.j.e.s.s.
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2007 28 November :: 10.24pm
oh and I keep getting these headaches again. I used to get these ... the last time i was getting them was in august-ish when i worked at the daycare but...
it starts out that my left eye-it's like i can't see... it's that thing you get when you look at the sun or a camera flashes in your eyes- you know, the little dot things. and so that happens but like over my entire left eye so basically i can't see and then about a half hour or so later i get an incredibly bad migraine where i feel like i'm going to die/throw up.
yeah so that's fun. except not. and then in the morning i wake up and my head honestly still hurts but it's just a dull headache
so i'm pretty sure i have a tumor of some sort.
and i have a lot of woohu reading to do but more importantly i have homework and i might be getting a part time nannying thing and also i dont know if i want to be a nurse so yeah.
fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 28 November :: 10.19pm
not kidding this time. i'm serious. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.
i even changed my school schedule all around so that i'll have more time to work out .
I MUST DO THIS
i don't want hi helen arms and thunder thighs anymore.
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runningfreak
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2007 27 November :: 12.04am
:: Mood: content
Portions for Foxes Lyrics
Artist(Band):Rilo Kiley
There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
And It's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"
And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you
'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes
There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too
And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news
That you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you
For some reason this sums it all up. For some reason.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 9 November :: 1.35pm
i dont know what is going on with my life. maybe this is the changing point. how long can you go on not knowing?
i'm scared that ..........blhe bandlkfjalsdkjflkgja;ldkgjasldkgjasldkgjsldg
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 7 November :: 2.56pm
me and jess tried on wedding dresses together today.
i'm not sure which one i want. she is though
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 4 November :: 7.45pm
sometimes i just wonder what would happen if i just dropped out of school. i hate it so much it makes me so frustrated. there really is nothing i enjoy about it. nothing i get out of it. i've learned a few things ..... the only class i really liked and i didn't even like it that much i just found it relatively interesting was medical terminology.
it is stupid. fuck. i should just drop out and i'm not getting anywhere anyway. fuck fuck fuck. i wish i could just move to florida with my parents.
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runningfreak
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2007 3 November :: 9.07pm
Just another day...
I really wanted to come to Ohio. Dont get me wrong, I am overjoyed to see my Aunt Betsy and the rest of my mothers side of the family that I so rarely see but at the same time I could have just as well stayed home and studied. I prolly wouldnt have done much studying but still. This is riduculous. Everybody is doing there own little thing with the people they ALWAYS spend time with. It is actually rather annoying. I could have gotten alot of things done this weekend. No big deal I suppose. The concert for my Grandpa is tommorow at 4pm so after that is a long way home. Hopefully I will sleep most of the way like I did coming to Ohio. Sleeping makes the trip seem less agonizing. Sometimes I wonder if not getting very much sleep is a good thing cause it really pays to be exhausted when travelling and you arent the one driving. Anyways, I watched my sister play at her volleyball game againest Ashland University in Ashland today. They won all three games. Ashland was ranked #9 in the nation and Hillsdale was ranked #13 I think but who knows now. She was happy to see me. She was happy to talk on the phone the night before as well. I think she misses me. Thats cool. I had a feeling that she would, sometimes I kinda miss her too.
I am still as bubbly as ever. I stop and think about like have before and that usually detours me from how I want to feel. But this time it hasnt and I hope that it doesnt. I was even told how it really wasnt worth pursueing based on how his life is and usually I would listen especially since it was coming from him but this time it didnt matter. I really like this feeling and I can only hope that it is going to stay for a while.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 28 October :: 8.49pm
so today .... was like the worst day ever.
except i bought a new camera. i know i know why why why but i can't stand not havin a camera. and this one is really cool i hope it's really as awesome as i think it is.
it has a million settings and stuff.
now if only my man would come home...where is he? work.......
stupid work and stuff. stupid stupid. what an awful day.
i thought wer were gonna see a movie today but ... doubt it.
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runningfreak
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7 27 October :: 9.04pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Our Song-Taylor Swift
Oh Goodness...
I am so very bubbly right now. I love it. I deserve this. I really do. My cheeks still hurt but I can definately live with that. I am so happy.
Oh so very Bubbly.
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runningfreak
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2007 24 October :: 11.39pm
:: Music: The Judds
Oh What am I To Do.................Brush My Teeth
I am still one happy cookie with homework up the wazoo and energy that is not being expended like it should be. Tommorow is another day and hopefully another one of smiling so much that my cheeks hurt. I have had a good five days of cheek hurting smiles.
I love it.
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runningfreak
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2007 24 October :: 12.04am
:: Mood: Fantastic
:: Music: Same song...I really like it
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMM...Olive Cheese.
What a great way to end my night.
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runningfreak
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2007 18 October :: 9.30am
:: Mood: seductive/tired
Change is good. But how much change and I willing to do before I say it is enough. Not too much more I suppose. I dont have much to change. Just little things about myself that piss people off but I cant help that. That situation is something that everybody has to work around. Eventually it will become a learned fact of what not to do when I am pissed off. Your best bet is to leave alone unless I look unto you for support or guidence but otherwise dont bother.
What about me drives you crazy?
I should move the horses back down to the barn. I dont like them being out in the pasture without shelter. The only problem is that their pasture is saturated with water and I dont want them standing in it. So basically it is a lose-lose situation. I dont want the horses be outside without shelter but I dont want to move them back to the barn and deal with hoof absesses. I suppose I should just go with the latter of the two. I would rather have a hoof absess than not have them at all. They are so fricken cute though. I love to snuggle with them. We miss each other. They may come running when I call but I know it is for more than just the carrots that I have in my hand. I am sure of it. But they do love me. Even Sierra. She is just a snuggler. Kind of dingbat sometimes but for the most part she is pretty cool. I am glad we decided to keep her. She is going to make and amazing horse when I get my butt going and keep her on a training schedule. Next spring is the big break. I will get Sierra going to start training her with the cows. I will keep Pete in the best shape of his life for showing and trail riding. I want to do alot of that with him. Trail riding. Keep the showing to a minimum, just because it is hard on him. He loves to show and I will continue to show him. Just not as much. He seemed to get tired this year but we also showed almost every weekend too. My plan is to also get Johnny back in shape and just casually ride him. He feels so much better when he is in shape. I love it when he runs around and plays because he feels good.
Everything happens for a reason, I just wish I knew what that reason was sometimes.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 11 October :: 12.33am
Tonight roman and i went out to east beltline- got coffee at beaners and then went into pet supplies plus and saw these bunnies and the woman let me hold one and then let roman hold the other and they were these dwarf bunnies and we want one really bad. i know that's bad- our apt is going to be all gross with pets but not really but we want one becaue they were so adorable and the woman said that they can be litter box trained and stuff and that they are good pets and you can let them out and hop around and stuff.
so yeah i duno. we might get a bunny i think.
and then we looked at halloween costumes . but we need to find something fun to do on halloween before we go and buy the costumes becaues they are expensive.
but if we do go somewhere we want to look all cute and costumey.
annnd then we went to the IMAX and saw transformers. i had never been there before so it was pretty neat. it was making me a little nauseous though because it is so big and stuff.
and other than that, i want to quit school because seriously i am doing really horrible and i studied hard and thought i did quite well on that last test and i did awful. i'm so pissed. at myself, at the class, at davenport, at the test. they are horrible tests. they are hard and confusing and stupid.
ugh
but seriously i don't want to be a fricken failure. i want to have a career. i dont want to just be a little housewife with kids. i mean, seriously- i dont care if it sounds pathetic to some people but that is my number one thing i look forward to - i look foward to having a family and raising our kids and being the perfect mother and wife. that is number one on my list and always will be but i reallly feel like i won't feel like i accomplished as much as i could have. i'll feel like i failed or like i didn't reach my potential. like... i have to have a CAREER too. at some point. you know? my mom regrets it so much and i don't want to have that same regret.
I hate school so much though. and i honestly really really don't have any idea what i would be good at.
but i'm shadowing this guy's that my dad knows daughter. ( i know i wrote that all wrong i dont care right now) and she is a nurse so i guess i'll find out then if i could handle it or not. which i know i probably can't. ughghghghgh hwhatever.
and anyway i like midnite sun and cruise and getting tan and sexy now if only i could get myself to start fricken working out . seriously. i need to get serious about that. i really really do. i just feel like a moron in front of all those muscley guys. eww and i don't want to run on the tredmills and fall on my face like on a tv show. i'd be so embarassed. and it would hurt. i can't run on those treadmills. i'm not coordinated enough to do that and listen to my earphones and sing MY hUMPS in my head and watch the tvs with no sound and worry about what people are thinking of me and check my heart rate all at the same time.
HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT. HOW DO YOU RUN ON TREADMILLS.
and that m y friend is the question of the day. how DO you people run on treadmills.
SHIT.
shoot.
well goodnight. any advice is welcomed.
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runningfreak
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2007 10 October :: 7.08am
:: Mood: fidgety
:: Music: Sara Evan: As If
Interesting...
Petey ran a flawless Pole Bending pattern!!!! It was absolutely amazing. I wish it were captured on video because just riding him felt just incredible. He raced down there turned perfectly, had flawless flying lead changes and manged to keep him speen through the entire event. I can even begin to explain the rush of excitement I got. He may be old but damn he still has it. I felt like I was riding a professional rodeo horse. I dont know what that feel like but he was it if I knew. We ended up taking 7th or 8th in Pole Bending but that was in an open class out of 32 riders. Hot damn!! The rest of the day went well, we took home a 1st and a 3rd. Had issues before cloverleaf but we soon worked it out. Texas Flag would have been perfect but we missed the bucket. I so want to have another show just to feel that rush again.
I realized somthing when I went for my walk after my run:
Perfection has been standing right in front of me, What I have wanted for so long has always been there and I found what I was looking for when I never even bothered to look for it.
How strange to think that everything falls in to place even when we believe that everything is falling apart.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 9 October :: 6.29pm
i'm quite sure one of the many reasons i am not doing well in this stupid one night a week, three hour class is that there are computers in here. this a fricken computer lab. not a classroom. dude. seriously. it's 6 at night-there are plenty of other classrooms but no they stick us in a classroom with computers with access to facebook and myspace and woohu and email. ughghghhh and then the boredom hits and i'm online.
i've never done so bad in school. i think it's a sign. i shouldn't be a nurse. i doubt i can handle it. i'm compassionate but i'm too compasionate i cry whenever someone else gets tears in their eyes. i'd be walking around crying 24/7 and my waterproof makeup wouldn't hold up and also would clog my pores.
fuck you davenport .....i have such mixed feelings towards you- you gave me so much money and a good oppurtunity but no choices.
i think maybe we should break up. how do you feel about that davenport? i think maybe you are no good for me and i am getting no where being with you.
is anyone good at statistics? i'm not.
i really should just leave this class. i think i may. there's no point in me being here. i leave with pointless notes that i never ever look at. they mean nothing to me.
damnit.
stupid college. What else could i do with my life? seriously i dont think i would be good at anything. i'll be a good mom and that's really pretty much it.
i duno. gotta check homework i'm sure i'll be back
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