:: 2005 8 August :: 10.39 pm
:: Mood: drained

i really suck at writing in this thing...

it's been awhile, and a lot has happened, but it doesn't matter

i got a new job...well, kind of...i work in the floral department now, and i make more money, so im really happy with it

i bought a new car, thats right, no more shit comments about my neon...i really do love that car, and i hope whoever has it next appreciates the fact that it never broke down on me...as for my new car...heck yes

had the most amazing girls night ever a few nights ago....kaylene, kayln and i stayed up until 730 just talking...about everything! it was insane, i couldn't believe that we kept finding new things to talk about...and it was nice to share a few things that ive been trying to keep under wraps...i got to say a lot of things that i thought, especially about people in my past and whatnot...i came to a lot of realizations though...i dont regret anything, and im glad it all happened, i wouldn't change it for the world...i hope you know that

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind this morning...such a good movie, i highly recommend it

i go in tomorrow to try on my bridesmaids dress...kind of scary..

school starts soon, im preparing myself for my first good-bye: Doug. He is going to be so incredibly hard to say good-bye to...its gonna suck a lot. Who am i going to play dorky video games with? Honestly...doug just understands sometimes. sad.

I think after doug is sara...thats gonna suck too...damnit, then maybe james...then the motherload leaves...megan, brian, ian, and nelson all at basically the same time...fuck.

I'm not ready to say goodbye...im not ready to not have anyone on a saturday night...sure theres still kaylene, and kayln, and daniel....but its not the same, and i should have been preparing myself for it, and i havent...i like my little bubble, i hate to see that its breaking

speaking of breaking bubbles...heres something that has been bugging me lately...i have never realized how much everyone hates everyone...honestly, i dont know how this group has stayed together so long...i mean, think about it...there are a lot of people that i hang out with on a regular basis that i really dont like half the time, and i know thats the case for a lot of other people too...but i mean, if we dont like each other, then why are we still "friends"?

i need to go read

crush me

:: 2005 19 July :: 10.50 am
:: Mood: derr

haha i forgot something, i had the best night two nights ago...i went over to dougs, and we played some video games, then i saw the coolest acapella thing ever online, it made me happy, then james came over, we played more video games, with me getting tackled like every 5 seconds, then we went to waffle house at like 1230...it was hilarious, coleman joined us when we got there, nice guy...grits are gross though...so much fun!!

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2005 19 July :: 10.37 am
:: Mood: sleepy!
:: Music: best of queen

crush me

:: 2005 1 July :: 2.11 pm
:: Mood: busy

ok, i have 2.5 hours...and a list of things that need to get done, ive already loaded up my mp3 player...i made a list of what i want to pack, i just need to take a shower, and write in this thing...so, we're getting there, im almost ready

so, i think ive got it figured out, theres honestly been a stick up my butt the last few days, and ive got two ideas of what the problem is, one is a person, but the weekend away should fix that, and the other is just something thats been running through my head...for the past few years it's worked, i liked it, but lately, its changing and i think im having problems coping witht the fact that it doesnt work anymore, so thats what i have to come to terms with this weekend, and im hoping i'll get there, becuase everytime ive come home lately, im just bummed out because its becoming more and more blantant that things just arent what they used to be...and i think the change is for the worst

anyway, now that that is over with, i am so excited about leaving today, i have second thoughts this morning, but i realized that theres nothing to keep me here, at least last year, when i thought about not going, i had someone here that really wanted me to stay, not so much right now, this 3 day absence of mine wont be hurting anybody.

it makes me laugh, when people go to other countries, they try to fake accents...why? just be content with being american...geez haha

its supposed to be gorgeous this weekend....sunny and 75...yes

i should pack.

crush me

:: 2005 28 June :: 12.19 am
:: Mood: contemplative

i dont know anymore, ive been sitting here for the past 10 minutes, just staring at my computer screen, i havent really done anything worth while, ive just been thinking

why? honestly, can someone answer that question for me? why him? why now? why always? i mean, whats so special about him? sara told me it was because it's right...it feels right, its what's expected, its almost too perfect. but its not, its not perfect, it hasnt been perfect for over a year now. it used to be...everyone used to comment on it...'you two are perfect together'...'just give it time...fate will bring you together...how could it not?'...i used to believe it all, really i did. then tonight, while i was on the phone with brian, it hit me...its not gonna happen, not now, now would be the worst time, i cant keep wishing for it, because all im doing is getting my hopes up for nothing, and i will not have my heart broken again by someone who decides to not return the feelings i have. i just want to go back to the friendship we used to have...remember that? it used to be easy, what made it so difficult? was it just me? becuase right now, im the only person i can point a finger at...why does that always happen, why can i never place blame on someone else, i always figure out a way to blame myself...maybe it is you...kaylene told me you're just blind. you cant see whats good, and whats right in front of you...i dont know anymore, i just pray that God will straighten me out someday soon, and i'll realize that you dont feel the same way, never have, and let me slowly let go of the hope i have...

crush me

:: 2005 25 June :: 10.54 am
:: Music: anna nallick

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2005 19 June :: 12.15 am
:: Mood: idk...contemplative, i guess
:: Music: modest mouse

crush me

:: 2005 13 June :: 11.43 am
:: Music: the turtles

crush me

:: 2005 13 June :: 9.34 am
:: Mood: tired

its been so long...i just never knew what to write in here, this journal isn't as easy as it used to be

so much has happened since i last updated though, i wont really go into a lot of detail though

my track career is now over, well maybe, i still havent decided if theres a spot for my on the college track team or not, it'll be weird to be on a team with the megans or amy or kelly...idk, but the end was bittersweet, i was ready for track to be over, but as i stepped out of the circle for the last time, im not gonna lie, tears started to form in my eyes, and coach and dad thought i was crying because i was upset with the outcome, but that wasnt the case at all, i wsas just sad because it was over. the track banquet was the other night...it wasnt as heartfelt as it used to be....people had exams the next morning and the nba finals were on that night...everyone was trying to hurry it along...idk, i guess i was expecting more, but coach had a lot of night things to say, and i got my fourth year letter, a nice plaque with my picture :) i'm going to miss track...

mom left saturday afternoon for florida....she grandma and vicky flew down, vicky and mom will be back thusday though, grandma needed to get back and tie up some loose ends...like picking grandpa up from the funeral home..that craks me up that he's still there, if he was still alive i could just here him complaining about grandma and her procrastination...'Jesus Christ, Betty, just go pick the damn thing up'...God, i miss him...i still tear up if i think about it too much

high school is now over...graduation had come and gone...and im still sitting here feeling like a 10 yr old. my parents still baby me, they still spoil me, i like to think i could go out there and take care of myself, but i really dont know...going out there and failing scares me, i know have to make that risk though, idk, its just weird to think about. the graduation ceremony was nice though, really warm, and pictures afterwards were crazy! i didnt find everyone i wanted though, i was really close to getting him, but when i grabbed for him i missed, oh well, whats meant to be will happen

after graduation we went to megans one last time for a 'friday night'. it was awesome, everyone was there, and everyone was in a great mood

saturday was insane. soooo many grad parties. megan, sara, kalyn, kaylene carrie and i all went around to each party...they were all very lovely...i really liek grad parties, you get a tiny peek into the lives of people you wouldnt really take that peek with....drew came and gave his final goodbye at DD&J's, i was so sad, i could not leave for the entire summer two days after graduation...he is one strong kid...i cant wait to go visit him

nelson's grad party was last night...daniel and i hung out by the fire and just chatted...i love daniel chats, we started out with a heart to heart, then moved on to college, then people, then problems, then life in general...it was awesome, then other people started to come by the fire, so we kinda had to stop...but at least i have daniel in college with me, so we can have a lot of those...daron too, i love chatting with daron, i just wish megan wouldnt be so far away...she's another chatter i love, and sara...ugh...i hate it when people leave....

i guess thats all...i'll try to keep this up a little more

crush me

:: 2005 2 May :: 10.45 pm
:: Mood: tired

i almost forgot about this thing...

well it's been too long, and so much has happened...

back in march, we all went to scotland, had an amazing time, i would go back and relive it all in a heart beat...first day was hell though, being up for 36 hours, after finding out that grandpa had died...i was a wreck, i dont think ive cried so much, pretty much ever. i got the phone call and dad walked in and i was just sitting in the middle of the dining room floor crying into the phone. i didnt know what to do, i pretty much refused to go to scotland, but i guess grandpa had told grandma to make us go no matter what...we werent going to be missing anything while we were over there anyway...gah, i miss him.

school has been hectic. loads of crap are coming at me, and i dont understand half of it most of the time, but its ok. im still getting by. AP test is thursday and after that, im hoping that class just coasts...i really hate that class...i hate english, i dont know why i even bother half the time...im a numbers person

track had been dandy...actually no. im not too thrilled with it. im not doing very well, and that's partially because of my toe/foot. im such a loser. but the season is winding down, and i only have about 2-3 weeks left...it'll be sad to leave it, but it's time to close that chapter

prom is this weekend, and thats all anyone can talk about...me included, im more open to talk about it too since i have a date and all ;) we're going to have the best group ever, no joke....so many people, but so many people that i enjoy being around :)

thats enough

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2005 8 March :: 10.37 pm

i think this is the first time ive sat down for more than 5 minutes, not including school

the past two days have been nonstop...track has started, and straight from track ive gone to work...that was hard, my legs ache

districs were on saturday...we played really well, a lot better than i expected us to, its like someone finally kicked us in the butt and we got it, right in time too...we got a 1, and we get to go on to states, but we're not going to because of Scotland and becuase Headley doesnt want to...hey, fine by me. instead we're going to do a Sousa concert, should be fun, i really enjoy concerts, and i enjoy being on stage, when i dont have a solo :) solos and me just dont get along, not everyone can be an ian

i've been thinking a lot the past few days...since Sunday actually...a lot of questions have been popping into my head, that i would really like to get some answers to sometime...up for it?

school has been a joke lately...

idk, i had a lot more i wanted to say, but im not going to because id probably regret it...so we'll end this now

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2005 2 March :: 8.31 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: keane

crush me

:: 2005 25 January :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: idk

do you ever wonder why we hold on to certain memories...why they are stuck taking up room in our heads when they really serve zero purpose? for instance...i have this memory from freshman year i believe, i was walking down the hallway...the cafeteria hallway, but i was farther down, like where it intersects with the library hallway...anyway, i stopped to talk to rachel gagnon and she said she liked my zip up hoodie, and i said thanks and that i got it for really cheap at wal-mart, and thats the end of the memory. why do i remember that? it means nothing. another one...im in third grade, in my reading group with sid, we were so far ahead we had our own reading group while others were forced to be with groups of 5 or 6, but i was assigned to read outloud, and i misread a sentence because i completely overlooked some punctuation, so it came out completely wrong, and i got repremanded for it. again, this serves no purpose, and it's a rather demeaning memory, because everytime i remember it i think of how dumb it was of me to have misread it. idk, its realy aggrivating, i mean, i know we all have those memories we wish would just go away, but i can understand those...we keep them with us to help us to prevent those sort of things from happening ever again, we use them as bricks to build up our walls if you will...but these memories that mean absolutely nothing, and prove no worth...its aggrivating, its like i could be using up my memory with other things that are actually worthwhile

i had another idea that ive been contemplating lately, but im too tired right now to share it...perhaps it'll appear in a later entry

crush me

:: 2005 18 January :: 6.55 pm

i had such a great weekend...friday night was the dance team fazoli dinner...and i went and i was healthy! im never healthy this time of year, and because of that i normally miss the dinner..but i went and i sat with paige and kayln when i first got there, and then i sat with brian, drew, ian, barber, nelson, kelly and daron...stevie showed up later...we went to the boys basketball game (so close!!) and then booked it to the eagles hockey game, and i got home at 1, and completely died

saturday i didnt really do a lot...stayed home, went to work, and then hung out with daniel and stevie for the night while we didnt really do anything, but it was still semi entertaining, which is all i really need after working

sunday...went to the eagles hockey game, made plans for stevies that night, went to work, got doug, went home then to stevies! i was so hyper, it was amazingly fun. i ate way too much, watched sara suck way too much at lion king, shatted with barber a lot...it was just tons of fun...the girls stayed up until 330..and woke up by 830, we're not very smart...but the next day we all met up again and went to the eagles championship game (which we won 7-6! woo!)

mr dunn invited the girls over to dinner...so we went, and we had sooo much food! brats, hot dogs for people who dont like brats, hamburgers for the rest, ceaser salad, potato salad, baked beans, cookies, chips, pizza bites and veggies...sooo good! i havent eaten that much in so long, i think im still full...went to megans after that, tried to do calculus, we couldnt, so instead we had a little vent session about things/people that aggrivate us...it was good...its nice to know im not alone in most of this :)

school was horrible today...no motivation whatsoever...boo exams

crush me

:: 2005 18 January :: 6.41 pm

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I`d love you to love me
I`m beggin` you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I`d love you to love me
I`ll shine up my old brown shoes
Put on a brand new shirt
Get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn`t I, didn`t I, didn`t I see you cryin`
Oh, didn`t I, didn`t I, didn`t I see you cryin`
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn`t I, didn`t I, didn`t I see you cryin`

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I`d love you to love me
I`m beggin` you to beg me
I`ll shine up my old brown shoes
Put on a brand new shirt
Get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn`t I, didn`t I, didn`t I see you cryin`
Oh, didn`t I, didn`t I, didn`t I see you cryin`
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn`t I, didn`t I, didn`t I see you cryin`

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I`d love you to love me
I`m beggin` you to beg me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me

crush me

:: 2005 5 January :: 8.01 pm

no school = lazy day for britt!

last night at work was crazy, because everyone was in buying their groceries so they wouldnt have to come out in the nasty weather we were supposed (and did) get. it started to rain as i was driving home, and by the time 7am came by, they decided to close just about every school around...it was awesome. i didnt really do much today, watched beautiful mind, i had forgotten how much i loved that movie, and then i watched part of sound of music. by then cable was back on, so movie time was over.

hmm...as for winter break, it was decent, nothing too exciting. going out has become really boring...we need to spice things up a bit. one of my favorite nights of break was probably the night at jeds...only because it was something new, and it was with different people. im not saying that my friends are boring...im just saying we should be a little more open into hanging out with other people. none of this closed invitation bullshit...remember when we used to plan a night, and anyone and everyone was invited? those were the "good ol' days"

i helped jamers with his basketball throwing a bit over break...then we got to play super mario brothers 3 and kirby superstars...ugh, greatest afternoon ever...i love video games :)

speaking of which...i bought FF1 and 2 for gameboy advance...i play late into the night, which explains why i can be such a zombie at school..but its ok haha, it's well worth it

little kids concert is friday morning...if we have school, i love the little kids concert...its just fun, really low key and we dont have to wear formal wear, which to me is always a plus :) then we have the real concert sunday night...i would say everyone should go, but i understand that our concerts arent exactly exciting, so come if you want...its not necessary

thats all for now

crush me

:: 2004 21 December :: 9.23 am
:: Mood: kinda blah

its been quite awhile since an actual update....

we'll just start at friday, because im pretty sure thats all the farther back my memory goes....friday was amazing! we (me ang ian adam and jake) all met at home depot at 6am to leave for camp. we got on the road around 615 and angie and i pretty much slept until i woke up having to pee. We all went into thedumoy gas station and 3 of us went in to pee (one at a time) and as we were leaving, the lady said "oh piss and go, i see how it is", jake was the only one who heard her though, we all had a great laugh about it, there was also a sign in the bathroom that said "you turn me on....turn me off", ang loved that one. we followed willie's sign erection for while, got the number for it, and then headed on our way to camp. we got there an hour early, sat around, i gave adam his birthday present, then jake ang and i went in to see if there were more people there or not, there were, so we went in for check-in, got our FREE shirt, and sat. stacie showed up after awhile, and then camp started. we started off with shot, i learned glide again, then we got lunch..yumm..then i got the option to either throw disc, or learn the inside version of hammer...ummm hammer!! so i learned that, i really wish we competed it now...then i went and i finally! learned full spin, i really needed to...now theres no reason i shouldnt beat stacie in disc this year...i could have learned javelin, but i needed to work more on my full spin, but angie learned it, so she cant teach me :) spent some time in the weight room, and the day was concluded...so much fun

the ride home was fine, called my mom to see how her mole thingy went, and she told me some unpleasent news about tara...poor thing. went out to dinner at steak n' shake...i wasnt the best company though, i still felt really bad about tara becuase i still didnt know if she was actually i the hospital or not, but they all got steak n' shake hats...i gave mine to adam...he has two now, and then we all left and finally got home :) called megan, ian and i had 20 minutes to make it to a movie, we might have been able to do it, if ian was psycho...the kid couldnt sit down! he sang about everything, sang while he shaved about shaving, sang about finding his pants and shirt, then he turned on i will survive and danced, then his mom came home and wondered what in the world was going on...then he found more paper hats and got excited, we got the rendevous and then went to the movie...20 minutes late, sat by ourselves, because there was no way we were finding megan brian kayln and daniel. after the movie, we went to ians, and i fell asleep, so i really dont know what happened there...

saturday...worked in the morning, came home took a nap, called daniel, he told me i sounded like crap, they were going to the basketball game...being spirited about our school was the last thing i wanted to do, so i opted out, then sara stevie and i went up to ians hockey game..see they play for eastwood, so i still wasnt being spirited about our school lol, got home from that, after making pit stops and two fast food places...

sunday...worked my first 8 hour shift ever! came home and slept :)

monday...did jack crap in the morning, sara and i went shopping, came home, engraved some shit for her, finished my presents for the girls, went into megans and exchanged gifts with her, met up with daniel, went to DQ, got hess and rishel, and then we went out to adams for his birthday, tried to stay quiet while everyone finished their movie (it was really difficult! i swear, we had alcohol or something) then daniel megan sara and i played some euchre, and then it was time to leave...happy birthday to adam

now we're at today...going shopping with daniel, because thats what we do...and then i have to work...booo

thats all :)

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 20 December :: 10.14 am

I'm so scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now a smile and a touch of your hand just makes me come unglued.
It's such a contradiction
Do I lie or tell the truth?
Is it fact or fiction?
Oh, the way I feel for you.

It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it?
Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know, but then again I don't,
It's so complicated.

Just when I think I'm under control, I think I finally got a grip,
Another friend tells me that my name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, it's so confusing,
I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losing,
If your answer wasn't yes.

It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it?
Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know, but then again I don't,
It's so complicated.

I hate it
Cause I've waited so long for someone like you.
What do I do?

Should I say it?
Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know, but then again I don't.
It's so complicated.

It's so complicated.
It's so complicated

crush me

:: 2004 20 December :: 10.08 am
:: Mood: happy because it's BREAK

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

crush me

:: 2004 27 November :: 11.50 pm

*FRIENDS* {most likely to..}
1.Fall in love: Sara
2.Become a Wall Street stock exchanger: Daniel…he just wants to be rich
3.Become a doctor: Douggie
4.Become a stripper: Megan or Stevie…like that one time in my front lawn..
5.Be seen in "Girls Gone Wild": that’s so megan!
6.Become a singer: Megan…all of these are going to be megan lol
7.Become a dancer: MEGAN!
8.Become an actress: not megan
9.Win on Survivor (and why): adam…he’s gonna be an eagle scout!
10.Be the first voted off on Survivor (and why): stevie…that giggle will cause people to hate her
11.Become a computer nerd: douggie…or joe
12.Make billions of dollars by selling overpriced water to people in the desert: Daniel..he’s mean, and wants to be rich..ian will be his partner, and barber will be there too haha
13.Become a druggie: hmm
14.Become an alcoholic: that would be me
15.Be seen on America's Most Wanted: Daniel ian and barber…for scamming people out of their money for overprived water
14.Become the creator of a sleazy reality show: Sara
15.To become gay: Daniel! Haha
16.Be on Jenny Jones: Stevie
17.Host a show similar to Jerry Springer or Jenny Jones: Megan
18.Be on welfare: Daniel..because he’ll get his billions of dollars and then lose it
19.Get married first: Sara
20.Never get married: Brian
21.Have a perfect husband, a minivan, 3 kids, and a big house: Sara or Megan
22.Have 5 kids by different fathers: oh geez
23.Marry a millionare: ooo I hope it’s me haha jk..we’ll say Daniel
24.Marry a nerd: Stevie
25.Marry a hockey/football/baseball player: me or megan
26.Marry someone they met in a bar: sara
27.Never marry: see #20
28.Divorce more than once: idk
29.Become a housewife: Stevie
30.Become an avid coffee drinker: megan..always on the go
31.Become a raver: ian lol can you imagine??
32.Become a police officer: Adam
33.Fail high school: Hess…poor guy
34.Never learn how to cook and/or use a washing machine: all me, all domestic qualities have skipped me
35.Become a comedian: not megan…
36.Be a good mother: megan…me…Amanda..stevie…sara
37.Live in the same city they were born in: stevie
38.Move to California: Sara
39.Move to New York: Me
40.Move to Hollywood: Megan
41.Move to a southern state: me megan and sara
42.Become a farmer: Brian…megan will try
43.Become a hairdresser: Sara
44.Become a sports star: Adam
45.Be a vegetarian: Sara
46.Wear only black: umm
47.Be the center of attention everywhere: Megan
48.Succeed in life only because of looks: umm
49.Never be labelled as a "dumb blonde": umm
50.Succeed in life: I hope all of us

8 heartless bastards | crush me