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2005 9 March :: 4.15 pm
So.. my plans for after school today were absolutely crushed.
I had plans to go to Mrs.H's after applying for a job on grounds crew at S.B.U. My initial plan was to not come home tonight as well.
But.. I'm halfway to ElDorado for my appointment and I get a phone call.. my fathers voice is on the other end "Amber, we cancelled your appointment, we need you at home.. there's something to discuss." That scared the crap out of me.. and I thought I could get away from discussing anything but, look at where I am now.. *home* Yes, I am stuck.
So now my plans are set for tomorrow. I have an appointment at 3:30 here in Collins I should be home by 4 from it, get my stuff together and leave. Maybe for the night, like I had planned to do tonight. I could really used a night without violence and complete chaos.
Shoot Me |
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2005 8 March :: 10.00 pm
Damn it.
Why do I even freaking try?
I'm stupid for staying here. I might have to take you up on your offer. I just wanted to finish this year out at home if at all possible, If it gets any worse, I cant handle it.
I'm absolutely losing it here. Every single thing I say is completely jumbled, forgotten, disregarded, or simply wrong and it's thrown right back in my face. I can't win for losing.. and I'm a sore loser.
I'm so close to succeeding, proving them wrong.. but, there are so many things trying as hard as they can to keep me here, so many obstacles. I'm stuck without enough knowledge to make the appropriate decision. I don't know what to do.
[-was it life I betrayed..
..for the shape that I'm in..
..it's so hard to fail..
..it's not easy to win-]
Shoot Me |
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2005 8 March :: 5.00 pm
There is one thing I ask when attempting to become friends with someone - don't dismiss my feelings just because you dont know where I'm coming from. Talking down to me is the first thing to turn off a friendship damn fast. I've earned my spot here just like anyone else has..
I've been raised differently than most would ever believe because I never introduced it through my years with everyone. Things here have always been very combative. I've been pushed, shoved, body slammed, threatened, knocked unconscious.. the list is endless.
The most painful thing only a few of you know.
Some of you don't understand why I fight so hard to leave if I've hardly made it to where I am. I'm not the only one in danger. It's not only an issue of self.. It's so much more. I've fought for practically everything my entire life.. why would I stop with this?
I can't push away my past, it makes me who I am.
I cant change how I react, it comes with my experience.
I've seen more than most of you could ever imagine.. and more than I could ever expect anyone to understand. I try as hard as I can to be the best person I can be and I struggle with every step.
Most of the things I face each day weren't my choice or even close. I'm sorry if the way I react to certain things or the borders I refuse to cross seem too limited. But I have reasons, everything I do has an underlying explanation. Every-single-thing. The weaknesses I show only because I have the strength to let them out.
I've earned all I have today...
...tomorrow will be the same.
I won't break promises...
I won't lie to you...
I won't intentionally put you down...
I won't say what you think is wrong...
I will bring you disappointment...
I will cover things up...
I will tell you what I think...
I will explain to you why I disagree...
If you don't like who I am or what I'm doing.. I'm not asking you to stick around. I don't want to put any one in a position where they feel threatened to lean in my direction.
-the initial introduction to this post doesn't apply to any of you [at least that I'm aware of] I just needed a place to vent-
Shoot Me |
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2005 7 March :: 7.30 pm
Tonight lacks something...
...I'm pretty sure it's the lack of absolutely nothing good happening.
-but thats just me, make of it what you will-
Tonight would be hard to explain. For some reason it seems to be sinking in alot.. I don't know why. I don't like today.. not at all.
But, I'm sure my negativity doesn't motivate you, does it?
So.. the only other thing I have to put in this update is: I need to know what you need for the little one. You have to tell me something.. even if it's just a gift card or something.. Please!
1 Blank |
Shoot Me |
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2005 7 March :: 6.25 pm
[ if only you could watch me fall
i cannot feel it anymore
the soul you cut - the soul you adore
cannot feel you anymore
'cause you've run through me with destructive force
i think -somehow- i've got to see it straight
i've got to get you out of me
but i cannot get through to you
i can transcend you and mentally bend you
but i can't handle the shit that i'm into
i have been blinded and always reminded
of the things i've wanted but i never could find
i am a part of a world that i hate
i wish the end would come faster my world's a disaster
can't you see that i'm down and i'm drowning
what i'm really trying hard to get -down to words-
is the way i fit into this world
things i survived pushed me to the darker side
because of life ..as it was
the life that was yours should've never been mine ]
[ no more holding it in
how many years can i pretend
nothing ever goes the way it should
no more sitting in this place
hoping you might see it my way
'cause i don't think you ever understood
that what i'm looking for are the answers
to why these questions never go away ]
[ nothing bends it only breaks into pieces
i waited for hope to arrive but it never came
leaving me with only pain inside
i'm going off the deep end
holding on is harder than it seems
when you're reaching for so.much.more
seems so much easier to just give in ]
Shoot Me |
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