:: 2005 26 May :: 4.55 pm

Well.. good news and disappointing news always seem to come together.

My job is going well, I'm starting to get the hang of it and the schedule.. everything. So, that's good.. I was really hoping it would all work out. I had hope it would though... since you were the one that suggested it the job had to be okay.

I'm not going to get to go with you this summer. I hate not being able to go.. it just kills me. I looked forward to it for so long. Again, another thing I never should have looked forward to.. I should've known it never would've happened. It's no one else's fault but mine that I'm not able to go, though. Atleast you know how many are going now.

I didn't work today and I came home this evening because of softball practice. Tomorrow I work. Monday I am off, Friday I have to take off because Jeff -Mr. I'm a special yearbook advisor- is coming and I have to be there to work on pages all day long until he arrives. Joy!

Well.. I'll think of more to complain about later.

[update]
It's time for a big spill of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about, I have a feeling that will be my next update. Just thought I'd warn you all...

Shoot Me

:: 2005 23 May :: 6.45 pm

Well, today was my first day of work.. it was actually quite okay. It was nice to come home and take a shower though, I was a bit dusty.

It's still kinda rough without anything in my system except the bit of Gatorade I can handle at one time when Tiff brings it too me but, I'm doing good... holding myself away from everything that I shouldn't be around and all.

I'll update with something valuable later.
Nevermind I've nothing valuable to say..

Shoot Me

:: 2005 22 May :: 1.15 am

I feel so horrible right now, I feel like I could just die.

Today has been so horrible.. I've never felt so sick in my life. I pray that none of you reading this end up in this type of situation..

I think I'm going to go take something to help me sleep, he's not here to knock me out for the night so I have to do something, I feel so dead, too dead to believe I'm still alive. I'm sure medication will be lovely on my four day empty stomach.. don't you think?

2 Blank's | Shoot Me

:: 2005 19 May :: 11.30 am

I don't know which way to go, or what to look for if I get there. Everything is so contradicting of itself anymore I just leaves me stuck in the middle of no where. I still don't understand what kind of purpose I hold on this earth.

So last night, one of my two favorite nights of the week my mother calls me and is just really upset because she wants someone's "support." So guess what.. she drug me to the doctor today [for her] because she needed "support." I just went through the same exact thing she went through today, same exact freaking thing.. I didn't ask for anyone to be there. I did have support behind me but, I faced the faqs alone. I don't understand why she feels like I owe her anything, she enjoys every minute of time she gets to spend in a complete massacre to destroy my dreams, hopes, and my future. But, I'm always there to pull her out of her troublesome experiences. I don't know why I care so much about what happens to her.. I guess it's just something that comes naturally between a child and her mother, I wish I had the same back.

I also don't know about this entire quitting thing, Tiff. This is going to make things a lot harder for me to take and handle appropriately. I do know it is best for me to stop using, though. Today is pretty rough without them, I've thrown up everything I've even had to drink.. it's lovely. I must not have been thinking of how hard it was to quit the first time when I decided to start again.

Anyway, enough of my complaining..

[update]
If you can understand this, you can pretty much figure out what is going on...

:: 2005 18 May :: 4.20 pm