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2005 16 April :: 7.15 pm
What a day. My father is so incredibly obsessive about some things he shouldn't be. It makes me fall into a trance when I think about why she never left him when she had the chance. She makes it seem like he's the only thing in the world.. like she thinks he's almighty. I wouldn't ask him to do anything for me if it were my life on the line, there's not a chance in hell.
Anyway.. since my life revolved around his shit today, I hope you guys did have a chance to enjoy the wonderful weather.
Evan and Ellen, have a fun, safe trip. Good luck! I'll miss you guys.
-update-
I successfully pissed off another friend. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so deficient.
I'm saddened to think I may not have you around next year. You'd think I'd be used to losing people by now.. or just used to not having any around. I'm just the complete opposite.
I'm so contradicting. It's pathetic. Everything I hate so much I always make happen. Leave it to me.
Shoot Me |
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2005 16 April :: 4.45 pm
.[Everclear - Wonderful].
. I close my eyes when I get too sad .
. I think thoughts that I know are bad .
. Close my eyes and I count to ten .
. Hope its over when I open them .
..
. I want the things that I had before .
. Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door .
. I wish I could count to ten .
. Make everything be wonderful again .
..
. Hope my mom and I hope my dad .
. Will figure out why they get so mad .
. Hear them scream, I hear them fight .
. They say bad words that make me wanna cry .
..
. Close my eyes when I go to bed .
. And I dream of angels who make me smile .
. I feel better when I hear them say .
. Everything will be wonderful someday .
..
. Promises mean everything when youre little .
. And the world is so big .
. I just dont understand how .
. You can smile with all those tears in your eyes .
. Tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. I go to school and I run and play .
. I tell the kids that its all okay .
. I laugh aloud so my friends wont know .
. When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home .
..
. Go to my room and I close my eyes .
. I make believe that I have a new life .
. I dont believe you when you say .
. Everything will be wonderful someday .
..
. Promises mean everything when youre little .
. And the world is so big .
. I just dont understand how .
. You can smile with all those tears in your eyes .
. When you tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. I dont wanna hear you say .
. That I will understand someday .
. I dont wanna hear you say .
. You both have grown in a different way .
. I dont wanna meet your friends .
. And I dont wanna start over again .
. I just want my life to be the same .
. Just like it used to be .
. Some days I hate everything .
. I hate everything .
. Everyone and everything .
. Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now... .
..
Shoot Me |
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2005 15 April :: 11.45 pm
I have to write a report of anemia this weekend. Also, I was supposed to make a visual aid, I left it at school - it's not finished.
-and-
...as if my nose wasn't messed up enough. -thanks a lot "dad".. so much for promises.. the ones you break every-single-time I'm here.
I should go to bed since I'm sick and all. I don't trust him when I go to bed first. It's a rule not made to be broken, that's for sure.
I need to go somewhere to think but I don't think I could think over the sound of my breathing right now. I've the urge to check in on a few graveyards though.. they're fun. I can't clear my head better anywhere else.
When my mother used to get up at 4:00 a.m. -which she still does- and I was little, after a disturbing night I'd still be awake.. she always found me in front of my fish tank just watching the fish swim around, it's really relaxing. Maybe I need a fish tank again, atleast something to help me deal with this...
"...and it's a good night to die."
Shoot Me |
::
2005 15 April :: 5.00 pm
I hate life today.
I just have problems, most of them caused by your very own. I just have my hopes set too high. I just dedicate all I have to everything I have and when something fails I feel like nothing will ever work out.
Also, if you ever need someone to doubt anything, let me know.
I would also enjoy breathing right now, freaking sickness. Leave it to me to get sick just when the weather gets acceptable.
Shoot Me |
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2005 13 April :: 9.30 pm
"I'm fat, you're ugly, and I can diet."
Tonight isn't as bad as last night. Though I didn't leave at all for any reason it was still okay. And yes, just okay. I wanted to take a walk but I don't like walking alone. I didn't want to bother Evan because I was the reason Mathew, Chelsey, and Evan all got in trouble last night. I don't want that.
So.. tomorrow night is off to your residence. Thank God for that.
One month from today is graduation. Not just graduation, my graduation. It's just absolute craziness. SBU here I come... good or bad? I don't know.
I'm really tired. I wish my father would allow me to sleep. That'll never happen. I'm going to be dragging tomorrow. Actually, I think I have a lot more energy when I've not slept well. It still isn't good, though.
Hardly anything I do is good anyway, add it to the list.
...and I just remembered I had homework. *curses* I'm really starting to just give up trying at all. I always forget everything I was supposed to do anyway. I just do the crap no one cares about.
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Shoot Me |
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