:: 2005 13 April :: 12.05 am

i need your sex!

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 10 April :: 10.27 am

i need you right now.. i need you somehow..

i think i might be crazy.. i just never stop thinking ever... and i bet you all know what about.. but it just consumes me and i can put myself in the worst of moods..

lizzy and i are in a fight i guess.. i havent talked to her all weekend...

things are getting fucked up..

gr..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 7 April :: 10.20 am

im so sick of being lonely..

a scent attatched
to the whispering wind
hits me like brick
i feel it land on the tip of my nose
and trail into my memory
a quick glimpse of what used to be
now circulates in my veins
its a part of me
now as it trickles into my lungs
it is encapsulated by tar
by hate, by envy, and by grudge
the connections are now made fully
and i see what keeps these things memories
and not the present
its the pain of how it was
its the thought of giving up
my stubborn thoughts spew out this scent
rid myself of what resounded in my mind
although i may push it out of my thoughts
i cant deny the scent
attatched to the whispering wind..

---

i look in the mirror
and i dont even see myself
just a blurry image
left dusty on the shelf
abandoned beauty
torn to peices all alone
she lives in a pristine picture
a painting hanging on a wall
of a broken home

shes crying another glass
half empty again
pouring herself
another shot of gin
she wont stop hurting
until she smells his scent
you wont catch her smiling
until she aint by herself

(chorus)
all alone in a world
that teaches us not to feel
we alienate whose different
and blame the one whose real
we idolize the incomplete
we love the one thats fake
yet we walk right by the ones like you
the ones who suffer through their days..

she wants to kill
the one who put her here
she screams her unmuttable screams
for everyone to hear
she points the bloody gun
towards her picture perfect face
plunging silently
to her imperfect fate

a soul wont go to heaven today
it wont be free from pain
shell wait around, watching those she loves
be showered with salty rain
forever with the burden
of the guilt on her shoulders
to take a life, couldnt deal with strife
couldnt move lifes giant bolders

(chorus)

her acid tears trickle down my cheek
eroding the beauty that people see
they want to be what they cant have
they want to be something just like me
but irony strikes again
as im bleeding for you now
what people want to be in me
slowly starts to drown

envied lover dying in your hands
couldnt be what you wanted
couldnt be the perfect ten
couldnt smile like the sunrise
couldnt be your heaven sent
withered leaves in the month of may
pain that never goes away
it eats away your pale white skin
and burries itself deep within

(chorus)

almost made it,
i almost climed up in your heart
but almost doesnt mean a thing
almost doesnt even start
i see an silent movie
a vision of your face
along your guided cheekbones
with my fingers i trace

i want so bad to be with you
i want so bad not to cry
but i wont ever get better
unless i rewind goodbye
i look in the mirror
and i dont even see myself
just a blurry image
you left dusty on the shelf


When I came along
You see it's good for nothing, good for nothing
A close look at something
so close
you never stop needing
you never stop needing..
It's too much of not enough
When all we need is just a taste
I strapped myself in for a safe second ride
Before it started I tried to be anything I saw fit
And it all seemed to fit but you came undone
When I came along
Blind white lies and shallow truth
Broken strings and stolen youth
I've seen too much of not enough but
You came much closer than they had before
You never stop needing
And it's good for nothing

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 4 April :: 12.23 pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: annoying ppl talking in study hall

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 3 April :: 3.42 pm

im finding it harder and harder to get through my days without feeling depressed.. and im also finding it harder and harder to take critisism.. im sick of ppl -- my best friend -- putting me down and im sick of fighting constantly.. i mean sometimes its fine but i just cant take it anymore right now id rather be sitting home by myself sleeping, singing, or talking online than be sitting here right now..

im going crazy and i dont know how much more of this town i can take.. florida is luring me all too easily... and i dont like it..

sometimes i feel
like im taking over myself
sometimes i feel
like these things that i feel arent real

dont know what to do
when im losing you
cant stand being wthout your smile

whens it my turn
to feel the things that they feel?
whens it my turn to shine?

living in the shadows of another
aint the life that i had planned
just wanna be something special baby
just want you to be my man

but i guess that wont change
i guess ill stay the same
i guess i cant feel
these things that i want to feel
i guess i cant see
these things i want to see
im blind to everything
except this pain i feel
oh its nothing new to me..
my heart is used to this pain

sometimes i feel
like im losing it all
cant touch the ground
theres no one to catch me when i fall

sometimes i feel
like the world is falling down
and everything around me
crumbles to the ground

theres nothing left
for me to hold on to
oh theres nothing left
for me to stay true to
no theres nothing left
nothing left thats real
nothing left to feel
except for this pain

oh its nothing new to me
no nothing new you see
im the same old girl i used to be
baby nothings changed
nothing is new to me
like these stars i see
i wish on them
they wont come true
but its nothing new..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 31 March :: 6.08 am
:: Music: owner of a lonely heart - yes

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 29 March :: 10.56 pm

BlckTangldHrt35x: how come those peeps are so decieving
CocoPuff0210: peeps?
BlckTangldHrt35x: they look at you all happy sitting in their little package just screaming to be eaten..
CocoPuff0210: huh?
BlckTangldHrt35x: and then you eat one
BlckTangldHrt35x: and you feel sick
BlckTangldHrt35x: and then you look over and theyre calling your name
CocoPuff0210: haha ew i dont liek peeps
BlckTangldHrt35x: so you eat another
BlckTangldHrt35x: and the cycle begins again
BlckTangldHrt35x: damn the peeps
BlckTangldHrt35x: damn them all
CocoPuff0210: hahaha
CocoPuff0210: HAHHAHA
BlckTangldHrt35x: and theyre peep conspiracy
CocoPuff0210: ur crazy!
BlckTangldHrt35x: its like a little mafia of purple bunny peeps
BlckTangldHrt35x: out to destroy human kind

damn the peeps and their master minded plans..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 28 March :: 10.07 pm

i feel this sudden sickness come over me like im suddenly broken.. suddenly smacked into reality. i just cant handle this im not built for this kind of pain and yet its constantly shuttled at me. i would rather not know the truth and just be happy the way i was.. i dont want things to end i dont want it to be over if it is.. once again ill be depressed and once again i will not have any purpose.. i dont have a purpose im here for no reason.. and nobody will have me.. nobody wants me.. nobody needs me and thats what kills the most..

please just take me..

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
Come on tell me.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go way.
You make this all go way.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.
Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

[Chorus]

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Think I know what you meant.
That night on my bed.
Still picking at this scab
I wish you were dead.
You sweat and perry ellis.
Just stains on my sheets.

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 25 March :: 12.30 am

and off i go and i dont even care..

"this could be love but my days are growing colder, as your love begins to fade. was there ever anything or was it all fake? did it tingle when we kissed, did it push futher when we teased? was it all a waste of time or for a worthy cause did i bleed? im getting somewhat sick of this, crying everynight. its getting a bit too routine, and im in need of light. i dont want to feel empty when i dont see you, i dont want to be gone a day and still start to miss you. i dont want to expect anything for you, expecting too much can break you down.. i want to smile and never frown. your sleeping now, and im lying awake. with a tear in my eye and cloth in my hand.. my soul you take.. this could be love, love for pain, this could be love, love for hate.. im losing my mind.. just slighting insane.. is the pleasure really wroth all the pain? this could be love.. you know.. this could be love.."

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 22 March :: 11.11 pm

"the more i wait the harder i fall, id give it up, id give it all. for just one kiss, for a sunny day for things to always be this way. id die for you and bleed painful deaths just to touch you, id reach all depths. too much to handle all tonoght the pain and sorrow has shut off the light. im blind to pain, but its still there, ive veiled my eyes so i dont care. your words fall blankly on deaf ears, fore' i need to hear your love to feel.."

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 20 March :: 9.56 pm

completely fucked weekend... damn...

ahhhh fuck me now dammit

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 March :: 9.29 pm

i dont understand how i can just melt completely.. after all the shit.. i just dont even care i just.. need it.. i dont even care about the consequences i dont care what i really want i need this.. and idk what im gonna do cuz im so weak to it.. i love it.. ahh

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 March :: 6.13 am
:: Music: think about it - A.O.T. ft. ME!

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 11 March :: 8.39 pm

Taurus - Your Love Profile


Your positive traits:

You tend to stick with relationships - through the good and the bad.
You are a great listener and tend to give valuable advice.
Cautious and careful, you never jump in recklessly... saving yourself from heartbreak.

Your negative traits:

Money is very important to you, so much so that it's a cause of arguments in relationships.
If your lover isn't loyal or attentive enough to you, your eyes start to wander...
You tend to keep things inside - so your partner may not know when or why you're upset.

Your ideal partner:

Is stable, serious, and ready to be committed to you.
Is successful and able to provide you with the lifestyle you crave.
A true romantic, who is willing to express their desire for your heart.

Your dating style:

Comfortable and traditional. You'd love to have a nice meal at a cozy restaurant.

Your seduction style:

Love comes first for you before you'd even think of intimacy.
Traditional: you're not a cold fish - but you're not into kink either.
Pleasing... you always make sure that your partner is having a good time.

Tips for the future:

Be willing to change your mind. Who you think is the love of your life may be very wrong for you.
Try listening to your mate. While your stubborn streak is hard to break, sometimes your partner knows best.
Ligthen up! The first months of a relationship should be about fun, not intentions.

Best place to meet someone online:

American Singles - peek in on how much potential dates make, and what they do for a living.

Best color to attract mate: Pale blue

Best day for a date: Friday

4 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 9 March :: 7.48 pm

i watched my bird flailing in its cage today and i thought about what what happening.. its greatest gift had been taken away, the gift of flight. a couple weeks ago my cat attacked it and it can no longer fly.. we never clipped its wings because birds are given teh gift to fly the ultimate freedom.. and now this bird sits in his cage, alone without its god given right.. its freedom.. and for that i feel sadness, i feel the world is unjust and i feel that nothing should be held back from what it is destined to be, or do. i watch and it struggle to fly.. struggle to get back the freedom the gift it was given and it doesnt understand.. it doesnt know why it cant fly.. it doesnt know why it cant be free.. i know why the caged bird sings..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 7 March :: 5.46 pm

I NEED SEX IM HAVING WITHDRAWLS!!

its like nothing else in the world matters to you.. no problems nobody else just you your heartbeat and the one your embracing.. its like the world is falling down around you and you dont seem to care. nothing is as important as that satisfying moment which continues for hours if lucky.. its like in that moment your wrapped in all the love, all the want, all the lust in the world.. for that split second your in love.. ofr that split second your happy.. and then as quickly as it came.. your back where you began..

read me

"why does the lonely bird follow? and why does the happy bird lead? why does the sky reflect beauty and freedom why do these oceans reflect hate. why does the sun set each day farther away making for a pain we'll regret. why does life keep on going, without regards to me, or people i havent met. why am i destined to feel, like im destined for nothing at all? and why does god let us climb up so high if hes going to let us fall? why does this earth continue turning, and why wont my heart cease to beat? why does the wind keep howling why do we sweat when in heat? why do my eyes slowly follow, your shadow as you enter a room? why am i forced to be different? why am i forced to be doomed. why is this fate all around me? its in me its in you its in hate.. why does it move like a sun beam, with no need to hesiatate. why does my heart reak of depression? and why doesnt the world overflow with tears? after all of this sadness, id figure itd happen over the years. too many people feel sadness, too many children know pain. too much has gone left unspoken.. too much is lost along the way. weve lost so much in translation. theres no hope in ever turning back.. weve stopped at this time lost here in space.. evolution is now what we lack.. why have we begun to regress, and fall further behind in lifes plan? why do the trees grow, the moon shine, the child wish? and why arent you with me today? why do we bleed when were broken? why am i kicked when im down. why can we be sad when we smile? but never happy when we frown? why does the world strive to be fake? why cant we just show whats real? in a world where bigger is better, why is it that we all must conceal? why do my words hit your earlobes so lightly, but your heart and head so strong? because these questions burn in your brain, in this time, in this world, and they have for so long.. your conscience will follow, but why will it never speak? never tell you what to do, what to say what to think, but make you feel bad at the choices you make, and the risks that you take. why does the heart know only one beat, and blue bird sing only one song? the people around you protect you.. and keep walking beside you on this web of life..until finally youve turned wrong.."



i need you here with me
wont you stay next to me
ill love you endlessly
tonight... ill take you for a ride

wont you come lay with me
ill give you everything
ill be your slave tonight...
ill take you for a ride

(chorus)
its like these warning signs around me
Cant be seen when im with you
like all that surrounds me
suddenly they hide behind you

im blind and maybe im stupid
ill let the whole world see
i just cant stand to be lonely..
i just cant stand to be me

i need to see you face
brown eyes so calm and collected
ill love you endlessly
i'll take you for a ride..

(chorus)

beat me
hide me
hold me
take me
rape me
save me
its on tonight

wont you just stop your games?
im sick of hearing names
of all the other girls
your getting with tonight

wont you just stop and see
all the happiness our life could bring
id love you endlessly
ill be your slave tonight..

(chorus)

--

silver and gold
it never
gets old
im trying
to grow
to go
to places you wont go

walk alone
and come up behind me
im all that you can see
walk faster
breathing louder
and you know that you can have me if you want

(chorus)
im not your average girl
im never gonna let you down
im not the girls you been with before
ill never let you down

black and blue
im falling into you
im dancing on the edge
the silence in my head
is mocking all my tones
its making me feel old
and cry all night in bed

run again
and your right behind me
stepping on the heals of my shoes
you need me just as bad as i need you
but you can have me any time you please

(chorus)

the heat is up
im sweating profusely
our bodies
collide
in teh night
all i want
is to feel right

in love
in hate
in life
its too late
ill come
ill wait
for your love
wont hesitate
all i need
is a kiss
all i need
is this fake bliss...

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 6 March :: 9.27 am

well last night was fucked lizzy was driving dereks car around memorial and its just our luck that a cop came and stopped us and took all of our information. and on top of that the cop was dan brogans dad!! ahh!! the officer came to the window and asked me what was under my jacket (cuz i had it over my legs) and if i was naked!! wtf? hopefully nothing bad happens to lizzy or derek :-[

hum. well im bored and i need to do somethingggggggggggg

im so stressed out i need to get high, get laid and get money..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 4 March :: 6.16 am

I want you to notice when im not around..

ok so.. its really early and im up and awake lol because i went to sleep at 9! ahh! lol yeah i was extremely burnt out :-[ hummmm well whats new...

i miss being around him.. but i guess i should take a step back.. if he doesnt even seem to care.. why should i? i mean why am i wasting my time? its so easy to say all this.. and so hard to do when your stuck on something.. bad habbits are hard to break and its like a nagging bad habbit an addiction.. and all it will bring is pain..


the heat it is driving me crazy
and your moving even deeper, within
to feel so good, from lust so wrong
is probably a sin
but i wont slow, oh you no
i gotta have you in me now
i dont care when or where
all i need to know is how
id be your slave if only youd let me show
you all the crazy things im thinking of
your days would never slow

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 2 March :: 9.50 pm

im so confused...

haha so my dad walked in on me smoking a cig and talking about drugs.. perrrrrfeccctt...

roar..

write more later

3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 1 March :: 7.57 am

i want you to throw your clothes
on the floor
lay me baby down by fire
i want you to, kiss my lips
with sweet red wine
your here with me baby now we got all night

(chorus)
your here with me baby
i kiss your lips baby
your telling me maybe
but that good enough
i need you now baby
your still my baby
your telling me maybe
but that wont do, tonight

walk up to me and slow down
i want you to go down
on me, you see, its ecstasy
hold me baby and tell me your true
i need your loving
and all thats inside of you
undress me baby no need to impress
im captive baby your heaven sent

(chorus)

the heat it is driving me crazy
and your moving even deeper, within
to feel so good, from lust so wrong
is probably a sin
but i wont slow, oh you no
i gotta have you in me now
i dont care when or where
all i need to know is how
id be your slave if only youd let me show
you all the crazy things im thinking of
your days would never slow

(chorus)

lick my
body
hold me
tonight
im here
on my own..
you take my body home

(chorus)

---

your kissable smile
your loveble lips
the feeling of my hips pressed on your fingertips
theres a look in your eye
i cant figure why
im doing these crazy things
your making me throw
out all the old
and bring in all new..

(chorus)
dont tell me baby that you love me
dont tell me that you need a change
i wont be fooled by that helpless look in your eyes
when you kiss me you trap me in between all the lies

you take away my worries
and make it feel like theres none
whether talking in the evening
or at the rising of the sun
you speak with words so gold and true
im tripping fast, and falling for you

(chorus)

im looking at you
you look at me
you see me baby and i need to be
in your arms, just kiss me again
touch my cheek and i wonder when
well be together later on
when the lights are finally gone
under the veil of darkness we can break away
todayyyy

(chorus)

im staring blankly
you take my hand
ask me baby do i really understand
i look in your eyes and i tell you i do
and kiss your cheek oh baby im stuck on you

(chorus)


gr im so angry..

i dont even know why i mean its a snowday i should be happy! but im in the worst mood because i just got to thinking about how shitty my life is and how shitty i am.. and how i hate myself and how nobody will ever like me - im so sick of being me. i mean sure theres things i like about me but every one is something in my brain not my physical appearance and i know im not saying i would like to give up my writing/singing/drawing ability i just wish that someday i would be beautiful and somebody would want me, as completely as i want them..

i decided im going on a diet and sticking to it.. because i need to look good for las vegas and im sick of looking like this.. and i have the power to change it so why sit and mope and be mad at myself when i am the one in charge of what i look like.. i mean thats all im not happy with -- its my god damn weight and thats changeable -- like i think that im an ok looking girl and id be completely satisfies with myself if i just lost some weight - even 10 pounds i just want to lose something.. i just want to feel good about myself..

more later -

HAPPY ONE YEAR SMOKING KATIEEEE

5 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx