XxManifested.TearzxX

XxManifested.TearzxX

:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don’t get me wrong here, it’s not that I hate my kids, that’s farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is “stair-step”?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it’s hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I’ll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I’ll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I’m telling them or when I’m trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn’t know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren’t going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled “why am I angry all the time?”

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I’ll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I’m depressed.
I’m depressed that I didn’t think I’d be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I’m depressed that I’m not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I’m depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I’m depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - “So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”

Ephesians 6:4 - “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord.”

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it’s not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God’s children, do things we know we shouldn’t do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It’s one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you’re the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus’ parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I’m writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying “please” and “thank you” all the while wonder where they got the concept of “mine” and “no.”

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear “DADDY!!!” when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I’m gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I’d be sad if they were gone. I’m sad when they go to grandpa’s for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It’s stressful.
It’s repetitive.
It’s chaotic.
It’s got high heights and low lows.
It’s manic.
It’s lonely.
It’s depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it’s so worth it.

Tomorrow I’m going to make things right; expect an update.

https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mood-disorders/irritable-depression-when-sadness-feels-like-anger/amp/

jus4fun06

:: 2012 7 April :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: melancholy

I hold a cup of green tea in my hands. The warmth stimulates my palms, sends goosebumps up and down my arms. I hover into the warmth, over this little soure of heat. It makes me feel. Lets me know im still here. It creates a moment of silence in my life. In the shower, I scratch my skin and let the scalding water burn across the pink lines. That same tingling sensation. I like it. It comforts me and leaves no questioning marks. It is pain and I delve in every second of it.

I know everyone wants me to give up. I know everyone says Ill be better soon. I know everyone thinks that I will reflect upon this time and be like, what was I thinking. But I have my doubts. I dont give up. I dont abandon my dreams. I dont allow let people tell me I cant do something. Thats what drives me. Thats what forces me to reach beyond what others do. I cant be stopped. I cant be told no. I wont accept it. Thats why this is soooo hard. So hard to let go of something I fought so hard for. So hard to give up on something that made happy. So hard. So hard. And Im sorry. Not only am I letting you all down, I am letting myself down.

I feel so foolish. Foolish to waste my time with something. Foolish to still be hung up on this. Foolish to believe that what was felt was real. That someone would actually have me in their thoughts from the moment they woke up until they fell asleep. Someone would make me feel the way I did. That I could connect so strongly and quickly to another. I refuse to believe its done. I refuse to believe he has nothing left. I refuse to believe it was all for naught. Thats where the foolish part comes in. This is where I am dumb beyond reason. I think its because he has parts of me that I never really gave to another. He has pieces of me and now they are left in unstable hands.

Cant break me down | bury me bury me | I am finished with you you you you | Look in my eyes | youre killing me killing me | all I wanted was you | Cant break me down break me down

I keep thinking about how I messed it all up. I fucked everything up beyond fixable. It is all my fault. I destroyed my own happiness. And I am only making it worse when I try to make it better. I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed someone to see how emotionally unstable I am. I allowed someone to see the worst side of me. I allowed him to see my scars and my stress that I never share with anyone. There would be nights when I would go to parties with him. He would make me so nervous so I would drink more than I normally do to deal with it. Then A started insisting he take her to the parties. So he would bring her. I would watch the two together. Watch as she would cuddle close to him. Watch as she hugged him or ran her fingers through his hair. Then I would get jealous. I would get frustrated. I would get angry. Angry at him. At her. At myself for believing him. I would hate the situation I put myself in. I would text him.

This was the time when my life was falling apart. My fiance and I were done. I had to move out of my apartment and back with my rents. I had quit my job to move to MD and I was no longer moving to MD but staying in PA. I had no money. My car died. I had stress from my parents, my ex, the loan company... I felt hopeless, alone, angry that my life was unraveling before my very eyes. Now, I had debated my relationship with my ex before I met R, but R helped me affirm what I knew inside. He brought it to the surface, it was always inside me. However, he is still part responsible for my relationship ending. And for him to keep me a secret, not leave A and to have to ignore him in public was just too much stress. I took it out on him. I did. I admit it. And I know that is not the way you treat someone you care about. And for that I am beyond wrong.

I would say things like I was better than her. I could do X, Y, & Z better than she and he knew it. I would tell him how frustrated I was to like someone who didnt like me [even though he did, I wouldnt believe it] I would be torn since I knew what we were doing was wrong; he had his girlfriend therefore he shouldnt have me as well. Society told me to cut it off then and there, in the heat of everything and I couldnt. That was the the right move. It was. I was torn because people were telling me to tell A and I wasnt sure if I could.It was a lot of pressure and I broke under it. I completely fell apart, I am still picking up pieces. I did stupid things. I am still doing stupid things. And I am mad at myself for doing this.

I think what most people dont understand is that he was the first thing I did for me. I spent my entire life giving myself to others. I spent my entire college career being involved and helping others and giving myself to everyone. I stretched myself thin on many occasions, but I was addicted to the rush of being busy and ignoring myself. I wanted to forget myself, so I threw myself into everything and anything... leaving every minute of the day planned. I didnt sleep much and I was fine with that.

After college, I spent the year and a half maintaining a house, raising a puppy and a kitty, trying to mold myself into the perfect wife. The wife that would sit at home all day, cleaning, cooking, and entertaining her husband. I kept giving myself to my ex, hoping he would keep me happy and I would be content. But I wasnt. I was just putting a circle through the square hole. Yes it fits, and yes it goes through, but it doesnt fit perfectly. Then when I met R. I was selfish. The one time in my life, I was selfish. I did something for me. I did something that made me fully happy. A simple text, made my face light up. I guess thats what I did wrong. I did something for me. What did I learn? I cannot have something for me. I cannot be selfish. I cannot have him. He is the one person that made me feel safe. When he hugs me, I feel so safe in his arms. It seriously is the best feeling. Truly, I have never felt the way I did before as I did with him. And I am told that I will feel that way with someone else, but I dont want to. I want him.

I am too stubborn for my own good. Too ignorant to see the truth. I am foolish. But I think I want to be foolish. I dont want to give up. I will not text him. I will not contact him. I will not like his statuses. I will not go north to his college. I will not see him privately. I am ok with that. But I will not give him up. Maybe we just met at the wrong time. Maybe we are meant for another time in our lives. Maybe we just arent ready for each other. Maybe space and time is the only thing to heal us. I just want to fix everything. Im a fixer. But I am going to do the hardest thing I have ever done.

L e t g o. But I wont give up