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2005 17 February :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: confused
So I haven't written in a few days.. nothing has really been going on. I've been taking PSSAs, I went to school late yesterday, and the whole "Secret Room" at Bentworth.. I'm failing Geometery, Accounting and who knows what else. Do I care? No. I'm looking into cyber school, my mom called and we're waiting for the lady to call me back. Jesus, I'd wish she'd call back already. Well, I can't do anything but wait.
We get a half day tomorrow because of Act 80 day or whatever, I'm not really sure- nor do I care. As long as we get off. We also have Monday off, which is awesome. Except for the fact that I have to watch my sisters, so I can't really do anything.
Tomorrow when I get home from school around noon my cousin Bridg is taking me to Wal*Mart, to get some things for Gab.. then after that I'm coming home watching my sisters then I have I'm going with my Aunt Loraine and Gram to the mall, then if I can get a ride I'm going to Amys birthday party.. weeeee. She called me tonight and wanted to know if she wanted her to pick me up- but she couldn't because I had to watch my sisters 'til six, but I dunno she got mad because I was coming to her party late. *sorry, not my fault Aim* So I need to find a ride. Becky isn't coming, the thing for her Gram is tomorrow. *hugs* love you babe!
Out of everyone in my school that's had a baby, I'm the only one that's had a girl. Hmmm, cool. *random*
I dunno, I came home and crashed today. I get so tired I can't even help it- school takes everything out of me and I don't have anything left when I get home. So I feel terrible that I don't spend time with Gabrielle. There just isn't enough time in the day to do what I want.. I feel like I'm not a good mother because of it. I don't know, I'm just insecure about some things I guess.
Jim and I are going to see the school play on Feb. 25. **Jims 20th birthday!** Just thought I should inform everyone.
Well, this was another useless entry. I'm calling Jim and heading to bed- night.
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2005 15 February :: 7.50pm
:: Mood: moody
complete this sentance:
i am not: pretty.
i hurt: myself, and others.
i love: my daughter.
i hate: you.
i hope: everything turns out okay.
i hear: everything you don't.
i crave: to be loved.
i regret: everything I've done wrong.
i cry: a lot.
i care: about gabrielle and jim.
i always: act bitchy.
i long to: leave home.
i feel alone: all the time.
i listen: to idiots in school.
i hide: myself from you.
i drive: nothing.
i sing: alone.
i dance: at weddings.
i write: in my journal.
i breathe: in air.
i play: games on the internet.
i miss: being young.
i search: for myself.
i learn: something new everyday.
i feel: scared.
i know: things will be okay.
i say: whatevers on my mind.
i succeed: in nothing.
i fail: in everything.
i dream: of beautiful things.
i sleep: restlessly.
i wonder: about how things will be later in life.
i want: to loose weight.
i worry: about Gabrielle.
i have: a lot.
i give: all of myself for Gabrielle.
i fight: for things that I believe in.
i wait: for you to grow up.
i need: love.
i am: a bitch.
i think: about giving up.
i can't help the fact that: I am the way I am.
i stay: because I can't leave.
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2005 14 February :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: naughty
So today school was gay, I'm failing like everything, I'm behind ect. I wore my Valentine PJs, no makeup, and my hair in a pony tail. Hell yes, I love that look. The "I don't give a shit" look. Definitely.
Anyways, I came home to find out that Beckys Gram died. *hugs* I love you babe, if you need anything call me. I'll be there.
I wasn't in all that great of a mood when I woke up either. It's been a year today since my Pap died. Why is everyone that we love taken from us.. and on Valentines day. The day of "love". How can we think of love when you think of the person you loved being taken away from you.
My mom isn't doing well. She can't even get out of bed. I really think she needs to go to the hospital- but she's like "I don't want to pay the bills for it. We can't afford it." But it's kinda just like.. well yeah we might not be able to afford it, but I'd like my Mom to be there when I get married, have more kids.. and just grow up. But no one listens to me- so I don't know.
Jim and I went out today.. it was nice to just actually GO OUT. We went out to eat, to Pizza Hut [my choice.. I wanted it so bad.] And then we went to the mall. He bought me some gum, a purse [SCORE!] and a book. I got home at like 9:45.
"How old do you want me to be?" lol, Jim I didn't mean it that way. <3333
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2005 13 February :: 6.32pm
:: Mood: moody
So my Mom came home - [I still don't know where she was.. I haven't talked to her.] and passed out on the bed. Everyone came down, my Aunt Loraine and Uncle Don gave her a blood sugar test, everythings okay. They made her eat something- and made her go to bed. She can't stand up. They think she is just so tired that she can't go anymore. So she's still sleeping.
Maybe if someone would get a real job, then she wouldn't have to be working from 10 in the morning until 2-3 in the morning. Yeah.. whatever, no one listens to what I say.. It's not like I matter.
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2005 13 February :: 12.58pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World - Pain
So yesterday I didn't even write.. whoa.
Becky came over yesterday. We just chilled, watched some DVDs decorated our planners, made fun of each other.. haha. Definitely. Becky, I like YOUR sleeves.
Today I dunno, I woke up around 8:00 Gabrielle woke me up to eat. So I fed her and went back to sleep.. I was so freakin' tired. I don't know how Becky gets up at like 7:30 and stays up. That's like crazy. Anyways- I woke up about 9:30.. Becky left at like 11:00. She's dumb. :)
My sister Samantha came home at around 11:00 too, and she knocked on my Moms bedroom door and no one answered so she opened the door and just George was in the bed sleeping- uh okay? Where's my mom.. we can't find her. We've looked through the whole house, called people, and called the bar. She's not answering her cell phone. Okay.. no one knows where she is. So I'll update about that later.. I hope she's okay.
A little thing that has been bothering me- why do people put their numbers in their info!? I do not understand, do they WANT people to come stalk and kill them? Is it just me, or does anyone else think that's retarded?? I mean, yeah it's fine to put your number in your away message, but not with the area code. I swear, people are stupid anymore. But whatever floats their boats.
Today Jim is supposed to come over.. weeee- I hope he does. :-D
Tomorrow is Valentines day. Mmmmmmm. Y
On another note- I hate my hair. That's all.
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2005 11 February :: 11.28am
:: Mood: scared
soooo scared..
OMG, I'M GOING TO GET MY HAIR CUT.. OKAY. OMG, WHOA. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO DO IT.. I'M SO SCARED. THE HAIR CUT I WANT IS KINDA SHORT FOR ME.. OMG! WHAT IF I DON'T LIKE IT!?!?!???!! whoaaaaaaa, I'm like freaking out!
Here is my "before" picture:
Read more..
My "after" picture:
Read more..
No, I don't want to talk about it.
I hate it. It's not what I wanted.
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2005 10 February :: 12.41pm
:: Mood: apathetic
A little bit about Jena.
I love to eat tuna. It's my obsession- with crackers I'd die for it.
I have a daughter Gabrielle, and a boyfriend of 2 years Jim. I love them both very much.
If there was one thing I could change about me, it'd be making myself more likeable- because I can definitely be a bitch sometimes.
I love doritos.. any kind.
I hate warm cheese.
I don't like girls. Basicly because they're backstabbing little whores who try to take your boyfriend- but I do have a few girl friends that I adore and would do anything for. I love them a lot.
I love quotes, cards, and anything that holds a memory. That's why my room looks like a garbage can- I keep everything that anyone gives me.
I'm a perfectionist with some things, like my journal/info/planner [from school]/anything that I make. I don't know why. It has to look perfect before I'm happy. If it doesn't look perfect then I re-do it.
I like to change the look of things a lot, that's why I always change the look of my journal, and decorate all of my belongings.
If I don't like you, I don't like you.
I am definitly a bitch, and yes I'll say something to you if I don't like what you're saying/doing. I'm not scared of saying what's on my mind.
I miss a lot of school. I don't like school.
I love glitter, glue, markers, crayons, paint, all that kinda stuff. I love decorating things to.
OREO ice cream is my favorite.
I love snickers, snickers crunch, and Extra Polar Ice gum.
If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Don't write it in your journal- don't say it to a friend. Say it to me. Nothing pisses me off more than that. kthanks!
If I'm upset about something in my life, I tend to write a lot in my journal. Don't mind that- it's just something I do.. just ignore me.
I love pictures, I love stationary.. I love quotes on stationary with pictures on it.
I keep all my birthday cards/valentines day cards/any cards anyone gives me. Why? Dunno. It's something I do.
I collect buttons. I love them. I have tons. If you have any you want to add- just hand 'em over. I'll accept!
Yes, I do sleep with a stuffed animal. Mr. Floppers is his name, Jim bought him for me when we went on vacation together.
I have a thing with purses. I love them. I can't get enough of them. I change purses at least every few weeks.
I used to collect stickers, until my sister stole all of my stickers and I don't know what she did with them.. so I no longer do that. But I still have lots of NEW stickers. But I no longer collect them.. I still can't believe she took them. I'm still upset.
I used to have one of the largest braclet collections. Again, until my sister took most of them. *sigh* I no longer wear lots of braclets.
I collect tops of beer bottles/wine coolers/mikes/zima ect. bottles. I'm currently making something out of them so again- I'll accept any that anyone gives me!
I listen to all kinds of music, not just 'one type'.
I love orange juice.
It takes me a long time to write an entry, I don't really know why.. I think because I take my time. I do type fast; but I just will type something and then walk away for a bit or I'll type something and then go on a different site to look for something.. I get side tracked easily.
I love the word definitely.
My favorite movie is Moulin Rouge.
I don't have a lot of friends because I choose not to.
I don't write in this diary for other people, I do it for myself. And yes, this goes out to anyone who thinks I'm trying to make my life seem "harder" than everyone elses. You can say whatever you want to say about my journal- It's mine. If you don't like what I have to say;; don't read it. It's that simple.
I don't like smoking cigaretts, and in fact I hate them. I hate the fact that just becase someone else smokes, you have to pay for it to. No, I don't allow people to smoke around Gabrielle- at all. Go ruin your own life, not ours.
No, I really don't like people younger than me. I think they're very immature and need to grow up. Yes, I was like them at one time. But I grew up, and sorry maybe I do set my standards a little high.. but act your age.
I something's cool- I'll tell you. If something's not cool- I'll tell you.
Yes, I've smoked weed. Yes, I've done it multipul times. No, I don't do it anymore. I've grown up- I have a daughter and I take responsibility for her. I'm not going to put her in danger just to get high and "feel good".
I think underage drinking is fine- to an extent. Don't go get so trashed that you don't know what you're doing.. but I think it's acceptable to have a few beer/Mikes/Zima/whatever you prefer.
I love candles.
Driving is fun. Though I think I suck.
I've been in an AIR PLANE. WHOAAAAAAAa.
I've had sex. [obviously.]
I can't spell worth shit.
My Dad died when I was 6 months old from a brain tumor that they can now get rid of with the new surgery that came out about 5 years after he died.
I'm scared of getting stuck in an elevator- and I'm terrified of when I get in an elevator that the cables will snap and we'll go falling down and die.
When I'm on the highway I have to close my eyes when we're in the left lane.. when the wall barrior is on the left of the car and a big tractor trailor is on the right. I'm scared of the tractor trailor coming over and smashing us against the barrior.
I like stars.
I enjoy comments on my journal- that means everyone who reads my journal that doesn't have a journal on woohu.com. You can leave a comment to. All you have to do is click on "ok" and then click the little box that says "Anonymous". And then type something in the little text box. KGREAT. Now that I've taught everyone how to leave one, I should get some.
Well, I think that's enough today.. Yes I'm bored, tired, sick, in pain, and wanting to take a nap. Which I really should do because Gabrielle is sleeping. But I think I'll go wash some clothes then get a shower. Blah. I want to drive somewhere.
---****The doctor just called and was like "Is Ms. Pust there?" I was like "This is her" Well he said that the doctors were looking at the x-ray they took of my chest and that I have a slight case of phenomia [sp?] but that the new meds I'm on will take care of it, but to be patient- it'll take a little while. NO. I WANT TO BE BETTER NOW! That's what I wanted to scream, but I just said "Alright, thank you doctor." and we hung up. Will the sickness ever fucking end?!
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2005 10 February :: 9.15am
:: Mood: contemplative
If you never read anything in my journal, click these links and read. kthanks.
Think about smoking cigarettes?
Weed.
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2005 9 February :: 9.49pm
:: Mood: moody
So I woke up and after the whole staying home, not remembering what my Mom said ordeal, we went to the Sand Bar.. Matt my Mom and I made cabbage and noodles. Mmmmm, sooo good. Then my Mom made me some tuna. That was really good to. Around 2:00 Dustin came to get me to take me to the hospital for my ribs, but then he was like "Oh, well I have to go to Chucks- I thought I was just dropping her off.. I'll be back in an hour to take her." So my Mom got mad and had Matt take me. So I got there at 3:00, my Aunt Loraine gets off work at 3:30 [she works at the hospital.] and she came down and stayed with me. I was there for 5 1/2 hours.
I got there, got registered and everything and they didn't even take me back into the ER for 2 hours. Then when I did get back there, I wasn't seen for about 15 minutes. I had to give them a urine sample to make sure that I wasn't pregnant- I told them that I wasn't, but the nurse was like "Oh well we have to just to make sure because you're getting an x-ray." THAT WAS THE LONGEST 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE. Okay, yes I knew I wasn't pregnant- but just the idea of it.. it scared me to death. I was sitting there and I kept telling myself that I wasn't pregnant I wasn't pregnant I wasn't pregnant. I don't know why I was so upset about it because I haven't missed a period or anything. I was just terrified. But finially after 15 minutes of horror, the doctor said "Okay, lets go get that x-ray." FINALLY. So I went back and got x-rays of my ribs to make sure everything was okay. And everything is okay- I have no cracked/broken ribs. I have a very bad case of bronchitus [sp???] and some Pleurisy or something that's making my ribs/that area so sore that it makes me feel like I have broken ribs.. so I'm very glad that all my ribs are intact. I didn't even get home until like 8:30. I have an inhaler that I have to take 4 times a day, and I have 2 prescriptions that I have to get filled. I know one of them cost $60, and I have no clue how much the other one costs.. I don't think I want to know.
So no school for me tomorrow because one of the meds I'm on makes me very drowsy. Ahhh, great. I hate this stupid shit;; I just want to feel better!!!!
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2005 9 February :: 11.00am
:: Mood: cranky
Well gee, where am I? At home. I called my mom last night to see whether or not I should go to school because she is taking me to the hospital today. She said to stay home. But I said "Oh, I think I should go because I've been missing a lot of school." So she said okay, and that she would try to get my brother to pick me up after school so I wouldn't have to go on the bus. She said that she'd call me and leave me a message on my cell when she gotta hold of him. Well I went to bed pretty early last night because I was exhausted. I guess she called me and talked to me and told me that Dustin would just pick me up and then take me to the Sand Bar and she'd take me to the hospital from there.
Well when I woke up this morning, I had no clue that she called me, and I do not remember her telling me that. So I tried and tried to wake her up.. but she wouldn't wake up. [Her and George closed the bar last night.. so they didn't get home 'til about 3:00] I just figure that I'd stay home just incase no one could pick me up because I can not ride the bus- it kills my ribs.
My mom woke up around 9:45 when Gabrielle woke up and started fussing came in my room and was like "Why are you home?" I thought she was mad at me; it turns out she wasn't.. but I guess she thought that she came in my room and checked on Gabrielle earlier and didn't see me. Hmmm..
I tried to call Kelly earlier this morning, but her phone went straight to her message box thingy, and I can't call her cell because she never has it. I probably fell back asleep though because my mom was like "Who was knocking on the door earlier this morning?" It was probably Kelly.
Hmmmm.. Becky's like the only one that comments on my journal anymore. Why have friends if they don't comment? I don't know.
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