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2003 14 August :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: silence
i had the worst day yesterday.
kelly rochelle and i went to the fair yesterday.. we were supposed to meet casey, matt and jim there. well.. this is what happened:
we were at the fair for about 20 minutes or so, and jim called and just like started kinda yelling at me. so i yelled back and i don't know what happened, i guess we sorta hung up on eachother. well after that we went down to the rides and rochelle met matt at the ferris wheel, she stayed with him, while kelly and i went on the round up. i guess rochelle didn't hear my fone ring.. and jim had called ilke 6 times. he left a message.. so i called him back. kelly and rochelle went on this other ride, i don't know the name of it. we just like yelled at eachother, and stuff.. he told me that he didn't want to come to the fair and see me, and he was really mad at me.. we got off the fone a couple minutes later, and i went to get kelly and rochelle. they just got off they're ride and asked me what jim said.. and i just started cry. like freakin balling my eyes out right in the middle of the fair. i didn't really care though, rochelle hugged me and said it was okay.. but i cried for like 5 minutes. i don't know.. i kept trying to call him back, but he didn't answer the fone.. i thought he left somewhere with some girl. (because of what he said on the message he left me on my fone.) so i was trying so hard not to start crying again. but after that i wasn't even in the mood to be at the fair, i just wanted to go home.. :( you could tell that i was upset/sad. a little bit later we found matt again, and then kelly got ahold of casey, and he came down. so i was like all alone, while everyone was with someone.. i was really getting depressed and you could tell. but i didn't care. jim called back around like 8:30-9:00 i think, and said he was sorry or whatever, but i didn't care, it didn't put me back in a good mood. casey was tryin to make me smile, but it didn't work.. i didn't even have any money, cause jim was supposed to come.. but thankfully rochelle was there, and she paid for me to get in, and kelly and her got drinks for us and stuff. and that was so nice of them. (thanks you guys, if your reading this.) jay came down and walked with us a little later, and about 9:30 him and casey left with ben and matt left to. kelly called her mom, and she didn't even come get us until like 11:00. so we just messed around, and talked and shit.
we got home, and went online. we got hungry cause we didn't eat anything at the fair, so we made some mac and cheese. and i put the pot in the sink, and put water in it. later that night after kelly roach and me were done eating, roach put the dishes in the sink, and filled them with water. well about noon today, my mom comes barging into my room and shes like "IT'S 12:00 GET UP NOW." i'm like okay? wtf? (i've been up since 11:00, because my brother had the tv up so freakin loud, it woke me up.) so i was just layed there for about 20 more minutes, and she comes back in and like is all yelling at me not to sleep my life away and she wants me in the kitchen "NOW" so i'm like "okay.." so i went out there, and she starts yelling at me for the 3 bowls that are in the sink, and the pot. shes like "WHY DIDN'T YOU SOAK THESE? THEY'RE HARD AS A ROCK" blah blah blah. i'm just like jesus christ. we did soak them. (which we really did.) so she went on and on and on and on about it. and she was like "who was here last night? wheres jim?" i was like "kelly and rochelle, jims at home." and she kept pressing the matter "why isn't jim here? where is he? didn't you see him last night?" i just said no, and walked away.. went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out again.
i didn't even do anything, and i'm gettin bitched at for everything. i mean.. jesus. i'm goin to rochelles tonight, but i have to be back tomorrow night by 6:00. so i can help her "tag things" for the yardsale this weekend. i don't know. i have to get away because i'm gonna shoot someone in the fuckin head. (not you rochelle! ha.)
i hope i die in my sleep.
-x|x- fuck this.
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2003 13 August :: 3.32am
:: Mood: afraid
:: Music: staind - so far away
a song
-x|x- afraid.
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2003 10 August :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: me first and the gimmie gimmies - i believe i can fly
"I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself for it. So there's your psychoanalysis, Doctor Freud." -Kathryn from Cruel Intentions
I didn't really do anything today.. i got up at 11, and just layed in bed until 1. so i was being lazy. i got up and got a shower, and then i called rochelle and left a message, cause no one answered.. i got online and just did nothing then kelly called around 3/4 o'clock. i got a shower then we went down to the park for kellys aunts 25th wedding anniversary.. and we got bored so we went back home and got our bikes and rode them back down to mingo.. omgosh the walk back up this big huge hill was so bad. it took us like 30 minutes to walk up it! we were all out of breath, and sweating.. eww. "bike fest 03'" ahahah kelly.
we got home and got ready to go to richardson park to see casey. so we went there, at around 8:30, and got back home around 9:15
we're gonna go watch a movie in a bit. it's called "jewles" (based on a book by danielle steel) the book was awsome so hopefully the movie is just as good. i love reading romance books. they make you sorta just forget everything around you because you just get so tied up in the characters and whats happening to them.. it just kinda makes you feel good when you get done reading them. :)
-x|x- not all here
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2003 9 August :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: spunky-less
:: Music: sugarcult - pretty girl
i'm back?
so i went to bethany beach with the 'family' we can say that i was miserable. i don't like the beach.. let alone with my family for a whole week in the same freakin house.. without being able to actually go anywhere.. (as in kellys house, or up my aunts, or over amys/rochelles.) but with jim there, it was a little bit better.. i guess.
all everyone wanted to do was go the beach.. and i'm not a beach person.. it just really upset/pissed me off that if i didn't go, everyone got mad at me. especially jim, and i felt bad. :( so i went and sat there, and read a book.. thank the lord for sun block, or i'd practicly be the color of dirt right now.. :( i hate getting sun. i hate it. hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it. hate doesn't describe it enough. i would be much happier white as a ghost.. so hopefully no one would notice me. haha but who cares..
we did some things.. i don't really feel like writing a huge entry detailing every day.. that would be pretty boring. but we went to the beach, shopped, jim and i got out 'old fashined picture' taken.. we look freakin so damn cute if i do say so myself. i'm gonna upload it on my picture album, so i'll make sure i put the link back up on here so you can look at it. i love it.. other than that, we didn't really do anything. i read a lot of books, and jim and i went the pool.. went for rides on the bikes there. he went in the ocean a lot. i just sorta sat and watched him. i don't like the water. i'd rather be sitting inside doing something like watching a movie.
but no use in complaining anymore. it's not like anyone wants to actually hear about it.
i think i've lost my "spunk"..?
hmm.. it's the 9th.. :-/ :(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!
-x|x- no spunk.
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2003 31 July :: 7.00pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: chevelle - don't fake this
leaving tomorrow morning
i'm just sittin here.. i got off the fone with my baby jim. i'm sittin here starin at a picture of us that's sitting by my computer and talking to casey.. i'm hoping jim gets her really soon so i can just break down and cry on his shoulder. :)
i guess were leaving tomorrow early in the morning for bethany beach. (in delaware) we'll be back either the 9th or 10th.. (which is next saturday or sunday) thats a whole week. i'm so glad that jim's coming with me.. other wise i don't think that i'd even go. i hate the beach. i'm not a very 'beachy' kinda person. i'm more of a 'sit in the shade and read a book/listen to music' kinda person. but hey, what can ya do? hopefully jim won't make me go into the ocean to much.. i don't wanna get tan or anything. >.< we get the "den" which is cool, cause it's the only room downstairs. :-D besides the kitchen and the living room/dining room. so yay.
earlier today my mom my sisters and i went and got our hair cut.. i just got layers, it's a little bit shorter.. it's not really what i wanted, but fuck it. who cares? i can't believe myself because i almost started crying after sam got her hair done. it looked/s really cute.. and i just kept thinking to myself "why can't my hair look like thaT???" and i actually started tearing up.. i am seriously pathetic. getting jealous of my own little sisters hair? wtf, i'm dumb. but then again, everyone knows that.
i'll write when i get back.. i bet that'll be a long entry. ha.
-x|x- me
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2003 30 July :: 11.18pm
:: Mood: sad
can't handle shit anymore
it just really hit me today, that i can't handle as much shit as i used to.. i mean, i almost started crying when my mom yelled at me.. (for "looking" at underware.) she was like 'whats your obession with underware? i saw you looking at them like 3 times." meanwhile, i wasn't even looking at them.. i just walked through them because it was the only way to get outta the one isle i was in. all the other ways were blocked by people.. i mean, jesus. she had no right to yell at me.. i didn't do anything. i had to stop myself from crying til i got home.. then i just went in my room.. blah, i don't wanna talk about it.
jim and i got into a fight again this morning.. well, it wasn't even really a fight.. i just sorta hung up on him because i got mad. i don't know what's wrong with me anymore, i just get mad all the time, for the stupidest little things. i'm so pathetic. i don't know why he's still with me.. he can do so much better than me..
i guess were goin to the beach on thursday night/friday morning (we don't know which one yet) i don't even want to go. i'm miserable anymore. i should be happy, i love jim with all my heart, i really do.. but i just can't be happy. but i guess i'll just make the best of it, and try to have fun or whatever..
i have to get myself back together, i'm practicly falling apart.. :(
"She was a fake. It wasn't easy to admit, but that's what she was. She pretended to be strong, even when her guts shook and her palms grew clammy. She led people to think she really didn't need anybody in her life, even though her soul cried out for it at times. She pretended nothing bothered her, and if it did, she played games with her head."
-x|x- not all here
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2003 29 July :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: korn - i did my time
i hate younger people
if i had the chance to kill everyone in the grade down from mine, i'd do it in a second. i don't think that even 5 of them have any sence what so ever! they're stupid! jesus christ.. they all should just drop off of the face of the earth and eat shit.
I ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO SOME STUPID SHIT FOR ATTENTION!!! i swear to god, people that just "cut" for attention, give people that cut a bad fuckin reputation. it pisses me the fuck off. i mean, i don't ever talk about cutting.. ever, to anyone.. and it just pisses me off when people sit there and practicly SHOW THEY'RE "CUTS" OFF. get a fuckin life you stupid fucks!
jesus christ, you need to learn to be yourself, because there are a lot more people in this world with a lot more problems.
everyone just needs to stop doing things because you think it's "cool".. most likely what you're doing is pretty fuckin stupid.
-x|x- fuck off.
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2003 29 July :: 1.19am
:: Mood: drained
jim
8 months today baby.. i love you so much. i hope know we'll be together for the rest of our lives, and i mean that with all my heart.
you're my whole life baby.. you're the light in my darkness.. and if you weren't here, all i'd have is mr. bang.. and he just doesn't fill that spot in my heart like you do.
jim+jena
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2003 26 July :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: some rap SHIT
i woke up at like 10, and amy, her mom, sister and i went down the to the firehall to start doin shit for amys grams *suprise* birthday party.. but first we went to a couple different stores to get some other things that we needed (like balloons, and table covering and some other things) so we got those things and we went back to the firehall.. amy and i worked on covering the tables with the table covering stuff.. and we had to get all the same kinda chairs.. which doesn't seem like a big job, but it fuckin is god damnnit!! after a while we got tired of doin that, soo we started cuttin up the fruit for the fruit salad.. there is so much food for tomorrow. lol amy allison and i had a grape fight. it was fun.. lmao, i got hit right between the eyes!! (god damn you amy!! hahaha!!) later when we finally finished covering the tables, there was a little bit left over, and i was messin around, and made a cape for myself outta it.. oh man, it was great shit. haha.. we finally got finished with everything around 4:00.
we came home and helped amys gram wrap some baby shower presents.. lmao, SHE HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH THE SCISSORS ACCIDENTLY.. haha anyways, later we went to wal*mart and giant eagle.. (giant bird.. haha amy) and we got the rest of the things that we needed for tomorrow.. so we came home, and made pretzel salad, and jim came down for a while.. then amy and i ordered a stromboli from kuzins, and then here we are..
jim's outside waiting for me to get done writing in here..
i'm exhausted.. ahh jesus.
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