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2005 27 May :: 10.26am
:: Mood: excited
TODAYS the LAST day OF school!!! YES.
I have a job interview at Rite Aid today at 2:00.. I'm really nervous!
Wish me luck!
You Are A Cypress Tree |
You are strong, adaptable, and striving to be content.
You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it.
A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times.
You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed.
A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times. |
3 fake smiles |
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2005 19 May :: 8.25pm
:: Mood: depressed
the drops of rain they fall all over
this awkward silence makes me crazy
the glow inside burns light upon her
i'll try to kiss you if you let me
(this can't be the end) tidal waves
they rip right through me, tears from
eyes worn cold and sad. pick me up
now, i need you so bad.
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2005 16 May :: 11.31am
:: Mood: melancholy
So.. I think that I'm finially ready to talk about it.. even though it's been almost a week.
Wed. night my mom called me at 11:30 and blamed me for all her problems and told me she was going to kill herself. I heard her taking the pills while she was on the phone with me.. and she kept saying how I have a new mom now and how that I don't need her anymore. Well during all this my Uncle Don and cousin Bridget were standing by me. I just sat there the whole time not saying anything to her. I just sat there and listened. Then she said "Bye Jena, make sure you tell Gabrielle that her Grandma was an asshole." and then she hung up. I called 911 and they sent the police over. The police officer called me and told me that she was fine.. "a little drunk, but there's nothing that we can do about that." I told him that I heard her take the pills, but they still didn't do anything. Yeah, thanks a lot assholes. ya know? So I tried to call George.. no answer. Yeah, WHERE WAS HE WHEN THIS HAPPENED?? So I tried to call Dustin, then I tried to call the house, then Matt.. finially I got ahold of Matt and he didn't help any because he was at the bar working and he didn't know where anyone was. Well then after I tried to call Dustin and George again.. my mom kept calling me. Bridget answered the phone and kept telling her that I didn't want to talk to her. She kept calling and calling. 911 called me back, they said that if there were anymore problems to call them back. It was about 12:45 or so when I called Dustin and he answered- he said that he was home and that mom was okay and I felt like he blamed me for doing this to her.. but he didn't come directly out and say it. He told me that he thinks she's okay and that if anything happens he'd call me. Well he called me. About a half hour later. "the Ambulance is on it's way. But I need you to go to the hospital they need to talk to her since she called you." So Bridget called Leah then her and her friend Mike came to pick us up. He took all of us to the hospital, we waited for about an hour before they called me back for her information. Then the nurse called Bridget, Leah and I into the back "The doctor will be in to talk to you in just a minute." The doctor walks in, I remember this part so clearly.. The doctor walks in, sits down and just says "She took a bottle of Flexeral [muscle relaxers] She's in critical condition and her chances aren't looking good.. she's on a ventalator right now.. if you want to go see her you better go now because she could go at anytime." He asked if we had any questions I shook my head then he left. I told them I didn't want to see her. I remember just sitting there, I don't remember how long we were in that little room but I know that I won't ever forget.. I just sat there and didn't do anything. I didn't cry until later that night on the car ride home. I broke down. My mom tried to kill herself because of me. That kept running through my head that my mom is almost dead because of everything that I did. How could she put that kind of responsibility on her child? I don't know, but she did.
I didn't cry after that the whole night, until the next day in school. I went home and just watched tv. By that time everyone was up trying to talk to me.. but I couldn't talk to anyone. I just sat there. I was kinda stunned. I remember trying to sleep but just laying there, not doing anything. It was 3:30 when the phone rang. It was my Aunt Diana, saying that my mom was going to be okay. I went to sleep at 5:00, got up at 5:45 got ready, and went to school Thursday. It was 2nd period when I went down to see the guidance counsler, and told her everything. She made my Aunt Loraine come pick me up and go see a counsler. I'm going once a week to see her now.. Karen is her name. She's nice.
Life now? I still don't talk to my mom, I don't ever want to talk to her again. I just feel bad for my two little sisters because they have to deal with all the shit that I grew up with all my life. I don't want that but what am I going to do? I have a daughters life to consider now. I just hope they know that I love and miss them.. because I do. A lot.
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2005 12 May :: 10.12am
:: Mood: depressed
It's funny how people can talk about me behind my back, but not say anything to my face.
You don't even know half the story, so you don't have any room to say shit, bitch.
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2005 8 May :: 11.12am
:: Mood: dorky
Prom was great, we all had a great time. Chuck and I slow danced.. aww. Randi, Amy, Becky, Chuck, Jake and I danced together and had so much fun. Everyone looked really cute and I'll post pictures of it later. I have them on my cousins digital camera. Becky left early for some unknown reason and didn't say bye. I'm still waiting for her reply on that to see what happened.
Kennywood yesterday was fun to, it didn't rain like it was supposed to.
Happy Mothers day! (It's my first!) Very cool.
Right now Amy and I are dying my hair BLONDE underneath.. scary. I gotta go rinse it out. <3
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2005 4 May :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
whoaaaa.. best night EVER!!
2 fake smiles |
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2005 3 May :: 10.11am
:: Mood: cold
I'm cold.. and I look like crap. Buuuut anyways.
Jim and I are going to Kennywood after prom. I got my dress, Becky and I went to get ours together.. mine is dark blue.. I'll put a picture of it up sometime next week.
Kelly and I have been going to Drivers Theory everyday from 5-8:30.. it's so boring sometimes, but we always end up ordering pizza or eating something. So that's cool. It's a small class- which is good because I hate big classes.
Jim and I? I don't know what to do.. we're so good together, but I can't ignore that I like someone else. Should I ignore the feelings and just get back with Jim? I mean, he's trying so hard to do everything that I want him to.. I wish I knew what to do.
Gabrielle is 7 months already.. I'll have to put up a picture of her when I put up a picture of my dress. She's getting so big.
Sunday=Mothers Day!!! It's my first Mothers Day! Awww.
I'm so bored right now, Becky told me to update because I never do anymore.. I'm so busy. Weekends I try to please everyone and go out with friends, with this one guy, Jim, my Aunt Loraine and it's hard. Weekdays I'm busy with school, then going to Drivers Theory.. I hardly get to see Gabrielle anymore.
I don't know whether or not to send Darlene (my "mom") a Mothers Day card.
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2005 29 April :: 10.23am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: papa roach - done with you
I count the days that we have spent apart
I've got a bad liver and a broken heart
Theres no salvation in the comfort of you
I finally realized your tearing me apart
So help me, save me, tell me that the end is near Help me, save me, tell me that the end is near
I am done with you
You make my life completely miserable
You drove me to the edge,
you've caused me all this pain
But I've always loved you
cause your oh so special
I'm broken and I'm alone and I can't maintain
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2005 26 April :: 10.13am
:: Mood: dorky
I have the worst cramps.
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2005 23 April :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: depressed
Okay, sorry about the last entry, I was just upset. I'm okay now? But anyway..
Jim came to pick me up at Beckys and we talked. We're still just friends, and we're both okay with that. But he does have a date tomorrow with some girl. I'm happy for him.. He was like "Jena, I do still love you. You know if anyone hurt you, I'd kill them." then he paused and said "But I know someone already hurt you by the way you're acting." Haha, it was cute. We went to Sheetz around 7:00 to get some gas, then we went out to the mall. I got a whole bunch of cute things and spent all my Kennywood money since I don't think I'm going anymore.
Yeah, I love you Becky and Amy.. thanks for being there for me. I know I let things get to me more than I should. But I'm okay now. :-P Love you girls..
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