.

:: 2009 15 January :: 6.46pm
:: Music: Blue October - Ugly Side

I'm living just to watch it all go by.
-----
I only want you to see
My favorite part of me,
And not my ugly side..
Not my ugly side.

Hook up a C.B. Wave a way
For conversation flow.
I'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rage..
Don't let me go.
A kick and a scream is all that seems
To mean a lot thus far.
I won't let you on my stage, my page..
You can't know.
Yet you have to know.
-----

I think it is ridiculously hilarious how people just keep going with the shit that they know is fake, and the shit that they know is digging themselves deeper and deeper in. I think it's so funny, too, that they keep fucking people over with the same worn-out, obvious bull-shit that they have been using for years.
So funny.

It'll come back to them someday in some shape or form. No worries about that one.

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xxxxxxxxxx

:: 2009 9 January :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: Staind - Tangled Up In You

I don't understand it.
I seriously do not get it.
Why do I act like this? And why the hell do I feel like I can't get away from this FEELING?
It's beginning to go around in circles, and then back around for one more swing. To laugh at me, to poke fun at me.
It's not funny. It really is not funny. Life, you're really starting to irritate me. You really, really do sometimes. It's not funny anymore.

Hey, I know it makes no sense. I really know, I totally do.
I feel like I'm going crazy over here, trust me.
I don't even know why I'm typing, to be honest. I just need some sort of outlet, I guess. Some form of communication from myself, with myself so that I can read back all of the things I wrote the previous day and wonder if I'm really here or there.

I am feeling so ridiculously at the end of my wits. I don't know what to do about it, or where to go, or who to be with, or to even look at myself in the mirror when I wake up in the morning.
If this is some stage in life to 'find out who I am', it's not funny. Not anymore. Life, you need to just stop. For one second, let me catch up, and maybe I'll be able to give you what you want in turn for some peace of mind.

AND now I feel like I'm repeating myself endlessly. Just to sit back and realize that what I'm writing now is what I've always been writing, just slightly off key. Just a tid-bit different. Not by much, but enough to make a new post all about it.
Sometimes I disgustingly hate my ability to dig deep into the abyss of all that is 'me'. I know that I'm not the perfect girl. I know some people might not like me, and some people might even feel like they know me. Well, maybe they do. Maybe they've gotten to the bottom of the bottle. I hope they tell me what's going on down there, at the end of the tunnel! It better be a huge party.

I can't stand not knowing what's going to happen. I know it's strange. But life is full of that, and all of its 'surprises' and shit.
I'm starting to think that's why life's getting to me lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around wallowing in my own self-pity.. okay. Nevermind, I probably am. And it's getting old, even to me. The person who's doing the wallowing.

I'm getting desperate here.
Someone - with some good fucking advice, tell me WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
And the sad thing is.. I am being completely serious with all of this.

I just really want to know what someone else has to say.

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xxxxxxxxxx

:: 2008 26 December :: 4.48pm

For Jo-Jo
...What I got for Christmas.
From my mom, Shane, my grandma, Shane's mom, and Shane's grandma..

1. My baby, aka the Nikon D60
2. A fire topaz ring from Shane.
3. A purple-ish, cool sweater
4. A pair of jeans
5. 2 pairs of slippers
6. A HUGE blanket with a super-soft body pillow that I cuddled last night.
7. Another home-made blanky.
8. 2 Toblerone candy bars..
9. An awesome robe with stars on it.
10. Pj's
11. 2 memory cards for my camera.

..annd that's it, I think.
More than what I asked for, definitely!

--
Off to Holland now for the weekend.
Friends are what I need.

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acidtears

:: 2008 25 December :: 5.48pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "On top of the world" By: T.I. ft. Ludacris & B.O.B.

Christmas Day.
Today is Christmas, and suprisingly we woke up later than I thought we would. We were going to wake up at about 7:30, but, I guess it was around 9 when we finally woke up. It was alot of fun. It was us, the Grandpa, and Aunt Beth. She ended up coming over this morning. We had two stockings each this year. One from "Santa", and then one from Wolverine/YMCA cos they "adopted" our family to help us out. So, it was a good Christmas this year. I don't really feel like going into detail about the things I got right now, because I am going to go watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas" with Ava, but, I hope everyone had a a good and happy Christmas. So, no more countdowns from me. Bye.

-Samm d'Massacre.

365 more days until next Christmas. HaHa, Just Kidding.

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acidtears

:: 2008 24 December :: 7.40pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "On top of the world" By: T.I. ft. Ludacris & B.O.B.

Christmas Eve.
Tomorrow is Christmas; the day I have been looking forward to since about November. And now, it's all going to be over soon in less than 24 hours. Oh well, at least we are the kind of people that keep our tree up until the middle of January. HaHa. My Aunt Beth is supposed to come over tonight, but, we don't know if she's still going to. Then tomorrow morning she's going to be here and so will our Grandpa Bennett. So, I'm excited. I'm also really excited to see the reactions of Mom, Doug, Bri, Dylan, Montanna, and Ava when they open the presents I got them. I'm going to say what I got them all, but you can't tell. HaHa.
-Mom: A very nice photo album and I already put some pictures in there. Ranging from us kids, all the way to pictures of her as a baby.
-Doug: Two Stephen King books. The first one being "The Green Mile", and then "The Bachman Books", which is four novels in one book.
-Brianna: Fuschia Semi Perminant hair dye.
-Dylan: A Breaking Benjamin CD.
-Montanna: A Tinkerbell purse.
-Avalyn: "Parachute Pig". It's a stuffed animal pig that has a parachute with a back pack and all included. It's pretty cute, if I do say so myself.

So, that's what they got. Not much, but, I did my best.
Tomorrow, we will, of course, wake up early and have our usual Hot Chocolate and Cinnamon Rolls. We will open presents, enjoy them for a little bit, then chaos will erupt. We will have to all get ready to go to my Aunt Diane's for lunch/dinner. And HOPEFULLY we will be able to go to my Grandma Schrivener's tomorrow after Aunt Diane's. I love it up at my Grandma's. Especially around the Holidays. There's like 150 people packed into a double wide trailer(that's not the part I like, in fact, I loathe that part), and there's a million things of food, and as for dessert...oh boy. There's way more than enough to go around. There's everything from finger jello, to pies, to Ice creams, and more. I love it up there. Then the guest bedroom is always the official PS2 playing room. Everyone in the gathers and plays racing games, Guitar Hero, and more. Then of course, there is always Sabrina's husband Derrick and his Viking Hat while he's been drinking. HaHa. It's great times.

But, I have to try and stay awake because my mom and step dad need my help transporting the presents from their hiding spot to our house. And, I'm going to watch "The Dark Knight", and hopefully finish it because I have had it for 4 days and I have not been able to watch the whole thing. But, going to go do that. Bye, and everyone, Have a Merry Christmas. And don't forget to party hard. HaHa.

-Samm d'Massacre.
The strangest Christmas Enthusiast EVER.

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