dim light in a vast darkness
This was an overall good day, and I'm happy. Yay happy!

This morning I went through my wardrobe to get rid of old/small/junky clothes. I feel so much better now, knowing that I have only clothes that I prefer. No more crap taking up space in my room... YAY!
Later, though, I had to go to the dentist, which is not a bad thing, dentists are good for life and it was an anual check up. However, the lady I had today must have been feeling a bit sadistic; when she did my flossing, she was pushing far beyond the end of my gums. I have quite a few cuts in my mouth now... But at least it's a clean mouth (?)

Then I ended up going to the fair tonight. Oh, it was so much fun. I went with our church group (which is hardly a churchy group... three of us are huge RHPS fans, two of us are bi/gay, one is acting as such, and we're all generally loud, raunchy, and very teenagerish), and had a blast. Besides our group, we met up with Sarah L. and her crew, and had a huge group there. Rock 'n Ride was fun, but this was a fuckin party. I don't think they appreciated us at kiddie land, though....
Sarah W. and I had the craziest ride on the Zipper. Seriously, it's the wildest time I've ever been on it. Insane, I tell you. Jon was freaking out on the Ring of Fire because he's pretty short and almost fell out of the restraints. And it was all fun.

cycles
My moods have gone through many cycles in the past few days.
Brief but true statement...

So, I enjoyed the fair, I enjoyed the people (those I was with and those I was looking at), I enjoyed the food (though I should really be at the gym because of it), and I enjoyed... well... I have no way of wrapping that up... but the fair was nice. And I didn't hit my head in the glass maze. How proud can I be??

Oh, as I forgot to say before, I'm done with my archiving of poetry (though there are still a few things I need to type up), so I can update my journal again. That was a long, painful process...

Today, I woke up late (oops!), and stayed around the house for a while. Then I read (I'm getting responsible!!). Then the sister, the mother, and I went to the mall. I got some jeans, a Morrocan-ish button-down, an orange plaid (sounds horrible, but looks really good) camp shirt, and a brown lightweight knit. Yeah... shopping is difficult. I'm too short for most of the clothes that I wear, but I have wide shoulders and, generally, my waist/shoulder measurements are sizes that would normally be used for a taller person. I just have a wide bone structure... difficult, but I can live on.

We went to Footloose tonight. Fun... but definitely community theater. The choreography was great, but the blocking was horrible. But it was fun... Not to mention Jarred Van-Heel was in a very revealing mesh shirt for his character. And I read in his bio section that he's been Rocky for RHS... Oh, I'm strangely retching right now, but it's out of an overload of lust.... I'm a dirty little Christian boy...

My voice has slowly recovered from last night... for the majority of the day, though, I was talking in precise monotone. It's a good thing that I don't sing for money because all the yelling I do for social events really has ruined some opertunities... Which reminds me that Ashley said I should join choir this year. They want to know how I sing... Well, I know I've got more talent than some people in choir, and I probably will try out for The Fantasticks this year... but no... for one, I don't have a period open, and I just don't want to be involved...

I should probably go to bed. I need to start getting up earlier so I'm ready for soccer tryouts (agh... another reason to get to the Peak...)

Just another manic monday...
I had full intention to go running this morning, but didn't. I meant to shave today, but haven't. I've yet to brush my teeth. And I've read nothing out of Once and Future King today. That's four negative points.
----
I've had a wonderful piano rehearsal all day, I got my trumpet back from the repair shop, someone told me they appreciate my poetic writing, which has led me on my excavation of old works to start The Morgue, and I'm looking forward to soccer. Five for the positive.
+++++
So today has so far been positive, it seems. Also, negative points tend to be separated by periods, while positive points get commas... slightly strange.
Without realizing it, I've pretty much told y'all my day. Lovely. Short and to the point. Disturbingly so.


Oh, wait. Our computer has been having internet connection problems lately, so we may get the modem replaced on Wednesday... I wonder how much of that has to do with me always erasing history and such on the internet... I'm assuming that could be a good reason... oh well.

sirens and flashing lights
I feel as though I'm in limbo at the moment. Time's certainly seemed to have slowed down, and nothing is happening here. Plus, my stomach is screwed up right now, and I can feel everything moving through my digestive system... interesting, but disgusting and somewhat painful.

But ignoring the state of the moment, things are looking... about like the state of the moment. I'm having a very melancholy time right now. We went down to Bozeman to visit my grandma. She's doing well, though she's smoking even more than usual. Not good for any of us who were there. My aunt Diane was there too, and she made for some good conversation. Dad and the dog stayed home because both were sick, and the sister was at camp, so *we* is really the mother and me. I intended to get new soccer shoes, but just about everyone is out of stock, so I'll have to order from Eurosport... We went to the soccer shop in Bozeman... sad sad efforts. Then we were driving back along main street and came upon the Crazy Days sales. Ended up stopping at a shoe store where I bought a new pair of street shoes, though they sadly weren't on sale. Then on Saturday, Mom, Diane, and I went garage sale hopping. Diane got a variety of things, my mom got a pressure cooker, and I got an oversized book of literature. 1000-some pages for 25¢... not too bad of a deal, I'd say.
But, despite our fun times, I've been feeling stripped away inside. I did a lot of window shopping for guys... Not the greatest morale booster. I'm feeling more and more shitty about my situation because 1. I'm being horribly dishonest with many people including my family and 2. I'm desparately wanting a relationship with someone... It's a big leap to try to fix either of those issues, and I don't have the will right now to do it.

We have one chance, one chance to get everything right. We have one chance, one chance, and if we're lucky we might. My friends, my habits, my family, they mean so much to me. I just don't think that it's right. I've seen so many ships sail in, just to head back out again and go off sinking... ~Modest Mouse "One Chance"

I'm wanting to fix it all now, and I know that trying to do that is going to make things worse. I have so many low-confidence issues right now. Each thing, one at a time. I live for a tomorrow and hope that I can accomplish one task in that day. One thing at a time, a slow evolution, a slower enjoyment... Life can be a painful process at times, and this is certainly a time.





I need a creative release.

Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you'll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.


What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

cleanup from a pseudo-vacation

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Well, as I've stated in the not too far past, my problems have shifted from schyzotypal to paranoid. How lucky.

Moving on. We took my trumpet in to get serviced today. What a great thing, considering the main tuning slide has been oxidized for.... about 4 years. I've needed this... It will help for symphonic band. Also, I've realized I prefer my piano over my instructor's, which is interesting in that she's got a great grand piano, while I have an old upright. Usually the grand wins, but right now I like mine more. I don't know why. Maybe her's is out of tune... it sounded so.
I'm realizing that I'm craving a relationship more than I used to. I think I'm finally getting over my inhibitions to get close to people (by the way, I saw Schylar at Blockbuster last night. She's got two lip piercings now.). And now, I want a relationship... or a really close friend.... which I have many, but most of them are away for the moment.
And I think I should go to one of the BMX races. I haven't been out to the tracks in... forever, so I think it would be a good outing.

another cruel realization
The people I hang out with have lots of problems. I have a lot of problems. We tend to make good friends, until we get mad about our problems, which seems to be happening with many people right now.

On a brighter side to that was camp. We had a drama session, in which we had improv games, seguing into a story theater about a girl who was raped in childhood who is reading a book (school assignment) about a girl who was raped (slightly redundant premise). Well, after the reading, one of my good friends was absolutely bawling. I was aware that something had gone on with her, in that she's often violent toward any forward males. Well, she was raped by her cousin in her childhood. So, we spent the next half hour or so talking about problems, she about dealing with her life, then me saying that it sucks to know about problems of your friends, simply because you want to share yours as well, but fear that sharing will only make their life harder, which ends up making your burden heavier. It's unfair to keep all the problems inside, it's unfair to only listen and not explain. Then Melinda and I cried together, just because the majority of our lives have been spent putting up these fucking intricate facades to keep the public unaware. Then, Cary shared about caring for her little sister who is autistic, a rather touching story, which explains her a bit more. However, I will still not go out with that girl (not that any of you know/care to know about her). Then Melinda and I did a bit more of tag team encouraging everyone in camp to just be real for the rest of the week. I can't say that it was completely effective, though I noticed some change in people. Really, what I'm looking for in life is not complete harmony, just the acceptance. I know that not everyone is in agreeance on issues, but I'd like to know that they accept that things happen. Somewhat of a nonchalant standpoint to not put any more care in than that, but it's all I'm really asking for, while I don't ask at all. Anyway, this camp has opened a good awareness to me of some of my beliefs/ beliefs of the young church. I'm quite happy with the camp, and it's extremely hard to explain the experience. It was fucking awesome, but not the easiest thing to share without first-person location and such....

So, we're a bunch of dropouts in many different aspects. It's good that we cling to each other, 'cause each one carries something different. A body is not complete without every part. The spirit is only filled by communion.

so I've been gone a while...
Well, for my birthday I went to Perkins (comfort food). I got $80 combined from my grandmothers. Today, since I'm back, I went shopping and bought Romeo + Juliet soundtrack, Dead Letters - The Rasmus, Good News for People Who Love Bad News - Modest Mouse, and Steppenwolf Greatest Hits. Other gifts: boxers, a T-shirt, a new garbage can (the old one broke), a new trumpet case, a new CD book, Chicago soundtrack, Blue Man Group CD, The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot, complete set of car keys, and that Twister dance moves game (apparently my family thinks this is a good alternative to DDR, a thought which I'm taking lightly... I assume I'll use the thing at some point).
Camp was amazingly good this year. I will probably give a description later, but I don't want to be on the computer much longer. It's nice to be back, but I'm missing a lot of people from camp already.

a few random notes

Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Sometimes lonliness doesn't equal sadness. But, for the most part I see that as true...
I've made a secretarial decision on my journals: My Woohu account will be for personal updates, while my LJ will be for community posts. yay me. I'll still reply to LJ posts, but will be putting none up.
It's looking as though I'm not going to do any birthday celebration. 1) I'm lazy. 2) I feel like poo. 3) I don't like celebrating myself on any occasion.

I've just been called for dinner. eeee.

Entrance of another change
Well, I've had complaints that my text is hard to read, so I might fix it at some point... might... I'll probably just do a color change.
I'm slightly pissed right now, because I came downstairs to see this Prokofiev piece I printed off yesterday spread out on the piano bench, pages folded over, out of order, and I'm thinking how could this have happened, because I'm the only one in the house that goes around the piano... annoyance.
Things were slightly uncomfortable on Tuesday. Tiphani was her normal self, which I've come to see as painfully analytical at times. Jessika was not so cheery and had a fork... not the best combination, it turns out. And Michelle and I exchanged sorry childhood stories. Lovely day, bleak mood.
Yesterday, I was cleaning my room, as it really could use it for the summer. Not in the best mood at all for cleaning a room, but one must live with it. I've just got this want to get out this summer. It's really interesting, as the last two summers I had little to do and didn't want to go much of anywhere, and this summer I'm doing quite a bit and still want more. Give the horse an inch and he'll try for a mile. I found my graffiti page from health and decided to start back up on it. It's not looking too bad at the moment. Certainly the most colorful art sketch I've done in a while.
I also had a game last night. I guess we ended up winning, but it felt like we lost. I worked really hard, because I was supposed to play sweeper, but my stopper played sweeper, so I played stopper/sweeper to cover for him. And in the fourth quarter I was played at center mid.... I never play center mid. I've played wing, because I can run the line and have a fairly good cross. But I don't play center mid. Plus, I had to cover as stopper as well, because the kid playing stopper then was also playing sweeper. I should stop with the rec league.
And on another soccer note, I'm going to high school practice tonight. I skipped the first two (not that they're manditory, though I did get a very friendly threat to show up in my inbox). So, I'm going to go die tonight, because I've had horrible reactions with my asthma recently, my knee problems have put me out of shape and out of mindset, my recent abdominal cramps (really a funny thing for me to say, but serious pain), and at the game last night my left hip started aching. I'm not doing so well at all. But I'll go try, boy0 yes. This could be a horrible mistake to go back.
I should probably get back to cleaning my room or playing piano so I seem somewhat productive around here. Now that they've taken down the plastic curtain in the kitchen my allergies have gone insane, because they never cleaned up their sawdust or any of that. I've yet to decide on birthday celebrations... I should do that today.

stuff
OMG!!! Family Guy is actually on while I'm awake.
Well, it was rainy at the parade, which made marching in a t-shirt and shorts miserable, but we amazingly did rather well. Then we went out to the Amigo Lounge for lunch. I never realized until today that there's a guy with a sombrero as their logo. I always thought it looked like a big angry tomato. Abstract mind, eh?
I'm amazed that they didn't say anything about RHPS during I love the 70's 1975 yesterday (I've never watched the 70's series... what can I say?). It's one of the biggest things ever, and it got upstaged by Monty Python. A close second in the movie world, but something tells me singing transvestites deserve a place in Vh1 productions.
Went to the city fireworks display and watched it from Central Bridge. It was an O.K. show, but not the best ever. I think they had some malfunctions in the computer system, because there were some good sized gaps in launches. Oh well, the finish was good.
Then, we came home and set off stuff in the rain. Um, the only problem piece tonight was a starball that shot into our bushes. And I got a few fuse burns, but nothing too special.
So, the mother's gone to Missoula for two weeks, I'm only here for one more week. Um... I should probably re-start Once and Future King... should...
I really want to choreograph a dance routine... but I'm not moving as well as I used to. That's certainly a setback. Not to mention I've got very few dance albums. Whatever, I'll find something to do.

Advancements in personal lifestyle
I really intended to update on Wednesday, but the huge-ass storm that came through on Tuesday (I don't know what it was like for you folks, but it was quite spectacular here) and screwed up our cable connection. The service man originally wasn't going to come in until July 12, but apparently he was feeling generous (or extremely underbooked) and came in last night.
The big news from Wednesday: I passed my driving test with only one minor (turned too sharply while backing into a dirt-turned-mud road and couldn't back up any further because of the condition of the ground). But, as is standard with Mr. O'Hara, I was told the one month or ten hours, whichever occurs first, of practice with parents should happen. Well, seeing that I can't get my license until I'm fifteen, which is precisely one week from today, I have to practice anyway. The other delay is, the Tenth is a Saturday, I'm leaving on the Sunday following for a week, and not getting back until the next Saturday. So, it will be at least another two weeks before I can go to the DMV to receive my license.
I've been watching Wimbolden for the sole purpose of watching Andy Roddick run around the court :P. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the result of the semi-final match.
Thursday:
Bought the Jamie Cullum CD to expand my relatively small jazz world. I don't know how I missed Michelle at the mall because I'm sure I was there at the same time as her. Also while I was there I bought the original Tony Hawk Pro Skater for a whole $3.00. Outdated gaming is extremely cheap. Unfortunately I don't have any controller paks for my N64, which is required to save a game on THPS (something that I was aware of, but had not the money to spend... a whole $5.00 more), so I tend to spend about two hours at a time on the game, realize I'm beginning to go cross-eyed, and decide it would be good to end my run.
Also Thursday I had an AYSO game (in the event that you don't know, Jimmy, AYSO is much less organized in Montana than in California).... Yeah, we won, but that's because we have people that have played club and high school league. Then I went off to Patriot Marching Band practice. We're going to look horrible, as always. Middle schoolers don't have the right attention span and discipline to learn how to march in two days, and since they make up the majority of the band (because most high schoolers are aware that this band sucks to be in.... I felt like doing civic duty for once and helping the poor children) there is little form to the band. It's a good way to build patience. I had both a band director and some kid who marches behind me tell me that I was off from the rest of the line, when in fact, I was the only person in my line to keep four-step spacing, while the rest tend to march up the ass of the person in front of them. Whatever. I know high school band is less stressful.
My parents have been out car shopping with my sister. I still don't understand the logic of this. She's going to Ashland, Oregon, for schooling. Well, USO is more than half of the town. She can walk from one end of the town to the other without breaking a sweat. But she's going to get a new car while I'm stuck driving my parents vehicles. A Windstar and an Intrepid.... They've got too much space for a high schooler. But my sister has to have something for the road. Their money, not mine.
I've been thinking about actually having a party, seeing that my birthday will fall when I'm in town for once. Actually, it has been for two years already, but for one we were painting the living room, and the other was when my dad developed kidney stones... Not the best time for a social gathering. It almost feels wrong to do something... It's not in my nature.
Cameron's doing well in BMX right now. I haven't had a chance to talk to him, but I've followed him in the paper.

sex is the lesser enemy
So I've reached another growing season with my thoughts. Damn trees don't grow the same fruit, and I'm stuck with random feelings and detached nature from my lack of consistancy. Not to mention thoughts spoil quickly. Much like a poetic statement. Not only does it have to be written in a short amount of time or it will mutate and become unstable, but it holds little weight after existing for a few days.
Sex is not the enemy, but it certainly gets in the way. I can't stand when I'm in someone's way and I certainly can't stand to be in someone's way, therefore I try to not be in anyone's way... unfortunately they do not do so for me.
So la ti do.

Tea, a drink with jam and bread. No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late I'm late I'm late. And a very merry unbirthday to you. And likewise, a very unmerry birthday, as all must be in balance.

Balance. That fucking control over all things small and large, the one thing I've come to associate Schylar with. For all the crap she's ever gone through, she's found something good to hold on to, and that one good thing keeps balance. Life on the edge of a knife blade, go one way or the other, and you fall. The breaking of the fellowship. The building of an army. We are not young here, we just choose to be. Our lives are determined by our own paths that may or may not be lain out before us. Let's just walk through the grass then, and make our own path. Oh, no, I'd hate to disrespect that damned grass.

Let's try this from a different perspective.

How
Do
Things
Work
In
Poetry?

Any thing can be poetic
If you know the way to form it.
This is not poetry, rather
A visual presentation of
My mind in motion and




space.






Sometimes I'd like to know what's going on. Sometimes I feel my life in my own hands and realize that my hands are no longer attached, or my control is not, at least. Then I see as things dissolve as I slide away into the pool below me, watching my life mingle in the netherworld we've created.

A funny thing, the line between life and death. Maybe dead people have simply decided to take a peaceful approach on life. Everything will attack them but they will do nothing back. Time takes full venegence. They never truly die, just become a piece of the background, not wanting to participate any longer.
Of course, when we ask to die, we most often live to tell of it.
Cruel cruel fate, to be given the contradiction of our wishes.
Maybe some reverse psychology? No. We don't work with human minds, but whatever gives us our contradicting power works with our minds. It's a game, a beautiful fucking game that we cannot live on. Cannot die on.
And it's all an illusion, be it what I've said, written, spoken, or thought.

Because all I do is pick fruit from my garden. And all it does is rot in realistic air. All I can see is what's been placed before me by some force that will always be greater than me. I can be no vixen, one because I'm male, two because I cannot achieve superiority to this force.

And sex is the lesser enemy. We can choose to give life or to take it. We cannot choose to be given life. And that indeterminate thing is our downfall. Our want for more.





A labyrinth works to lead it's users in an intended
path that might lead to distruction
but the path will go only as far as the follower
follows. Therefore a lab- yrinth holds no power
beyond the user. The creation holds little
beyond the created. the created chooses

to split or end a path altogether.



And so I eat what I can find of this gorgeous fruit, growing in it's own season, and I enjoy and fear each harvest knowing I might learn something.








Such is the way of the tree of knowledge.