GRRR!!!
Damnit! Even when I want to be in a depression I can't do it. I torture myself over the stupidest things that will never make sense..... oh well...

so this is the way it is?
The school year's over, and I'm done with hearing the "I fecking hate CMR, you fag!" Finally, a little time to myself. Don't let me stay here too long, or I'll find a complacency that enraptures me in death and lethargy. Maybe Schylar will see what I told her. Maybe she just wants it to be her way. I'm not going to bend it that far, to make things work to be with her. That puts me in a regressive state. I'm not going to let go of either heart inside me, because they're both good, when they're needed..... Maybe we do learn control some day.... Maybe we were put here to find our imperfections and love them. Perfection leads to boredom, so I'm happy as a dysfunctional ass. Call my a schyzo if you must, but I've got my friends inside myself. The thing is, I'm really not an egomaniac, and I will not fall in love with myself. That's what I need everyone else for: a little love to every soul. Something's worth holding onto from everyone.

hm....
Why is it that I always make a discovery on someone elses journal. I finally figured out why I won't let Schylar and I be more than friends. Lots of sense.... yeah yeah... well, I'm bored and things... blah

He ha!
Well, I just did another **unexpected move.** yeah, I told Schylar the feelings I have. Yay for screw ups, because now we have some serious fireworks about to fly. She's being torn a lot of ways, but I don't feel totally bad for her. I'm finding myself to enjoy it more and more to have a manipulation over people.... oh, scary sentance..... But it is fun to toy with minds... I don't want to really hurt schylar, but I guess it's a turn-on to be able to see inside a head. yes, well, school's almost over.... yesh, I'm goin to CMR, and all my friends decided that's fine.... but I'm gonna miss a lot of stuff.... sad... well, bye

Yoshi!
Ok... I'm having too much fun.... I tried out my new form of poetry (random words in random places).... It's not finished yet, but It's entertaining! Yes, I hate Mr. Simon and his cult-like ways... but I got food today, so school is good.
At home here... YOSHI!!!
I named all the Yoshi's I have from Yoshi story!
Green- Grent
Yellow- Goldy
Red- Reddy Freddy
Pink- Pinkerton
Dark Blue- Bogart
Light Blue- Aquarius
Black- Cannonball
and I haven't gotten the white one.... yeah, well... that's cool... I'm out!

well yes...

I'd like to talk to anyone
Stuff has happened... yes, well... I didn't go to Jessika's party... oh I feel kinda bad...... that's how it goes.
Such a silly boy I am, to think the people I'm after will make the moves for me. Agression was never something that I was made with. I'm only seen as a flirt..... I don't know why, but I'm just that way.... Then there are the OTHER people (yes, roxanne!!) which I will never make a move on, because people will totally think I've changed into a crazy kid. Yes, well, that's how it goes.....

Fix me Now

Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Bury me above the clouds
All the way from here
Take away the things I need
Take away my fear
Hide me in a hollow sound
Happy evermore
Everything I had to give
Gave out long before
Fix me now I wish you would (Fix me now)
Bring me back to life (Fix me now)
Kiss me blind somebody should (Fix me now)
From hollow into light
Crashing silent broken down
Fallen into night
Who gave up and who gave in
I'll go without a fight
Cut me down or cut me dead
Cut me in or out
And kiss me blind time after time
Take away my doubt
Fix me now I wish you would {Fix me now I wish you would} (Fix me now)
Bring me back to life (Fix me now)
Kiss me blind somebody should {Kiss me blind somebody should} (Fix me now)
From hollow into light
Oh, oh, oh you (x4)
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Nowhere only down from here
Pick me off the floor
Take away the things I dream
One time one place one more
Fix me now I wish you would {Fix me now somebody should} (Fix me now)
Bring me back to life (Fix me now)
Fix me now somebody should {Fix me now somebody should} (Fix me now)
From hollow into
Fix me now I wish you would {Fix me now somebody should} (Fix me now)
Bring me back to life (Fix me now)
Fix me now somebody should {Fix me now somebody should}
From hollow into light
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day


yeah, I hope schylar understands things aren't totally over, just not started.... yeah....

hmm hah!
Ok, I hate some people... like tasha... what was she doing there... poor mrs. Kloppel, clueless of the students in her school...... Yes, well, I got awards, and I'm happy for that..... Jessika... hmm, I hope that all those friendly people realize they don't know shit about life. "I'm happy because my friends and I have a sleepover with makeovers and love everyone"..... until they see the groups of people I hang with... My parents are "non-judgemental" until they see these people.... Oh, but Jessika, have some fun, don't go insane with all the insane people... I know insanity sucks.....
Crap... High school's coming... Bye friends, I'll see you in eternity! Yeah, we'll see who really loves me fast.... all the people I want to help, all the people that are leaving.... yes....
In other news...... I'm still insane, I still hate some people, I'm still out of the circle, and things don't make the connections.....
OH!!!!! I really want to kiss somebody right now... But I don't want to tell them, or anyone else, cause they'd think I'd gone REALLY insane.... yes, I'll just admire when they don't look.... darn.... Oh, but they're soooo sexy and yummm...... darn....
Yes, so I'm going away now.....

IMPORTANT TO ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!
OK, I just finished finishing my profile... I still don't have pictures, but whatever.... anyway, I want everyone to read it and tell me if I forgot anything.... other than that, I've been in Missoula for the past two days, everyone thinks I'm dead, therefore they flood my inbox with emails asking if I truly have died, or if I just hate them..... Stupid teenagers think that one friend is so important... Why do so many people think I'm the one that is good at making them live. I believe that's what their brain was made for.... oh, emotions seem to fall off of me like I'm a teflon pan! woohu!! I'm gonna eat lunch now... and then do that GRR map!

IMPORTANT TO ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!
OK, I just finished finishing my profile... I still don't have pictures, but whatever.... anyway, I want everyone to read it and tell me if I forgot anything.... other than that, I've been in Missoula for the past two days, everyone thinks I'm dead, therefore they flood my inbox with emails asking if I truly have died, or if I just hate them..... Stupid teenagers think that one friend is so important... Why do so many people think I'm the one that is good at making them live. I believe that's what their brain was made for.... oh, emotions seem to fall off of me like I'm a teflon pan! woohu!! I'm gonna eat lunch now... and then do that GRR map!

sporks were made when man got bored
I haven't updated in a while... WOW!!!!
Yay... me and my suicidal friends... I guess it's just one of those things in life, we all were placed somewhere to do what we do... huh, just thinking that if I was born in a car and not at the hospital could greatly change what my life is.... oh, alternate universes... how fun!!
yes, well, I'm still pissed about this English project... not worth explaining anymore, except that our group totally fucked each other, meaning our grade went to the toilet. Then, every adult I meet wants me to explain and give their two cents that I don't fecking need. I've already thought about what they thought.
The fact is, people don't get it. I have almost no point in asking people for advice on a problem, because I'm most likely going to get: whoa, you've got it hard. WELL NO FUCKING DUH!!! My problems are "too complex" and linked in such intricate ways that I can't have people solve them for me, because they don't speak the language that the structure was built in. **enraged with anger ready to pound things** So, no, I don't ask anyone about everything, because they just say, that's tough, good luck! Go piss on a skunk, damnit! So when my mom says: I think you were just blowing off the last two assignments.... FUCK HER!! I had 50 other things, many pertaining to trying to keep people from dying... that I had to fecking drop just to work on some dumbass assignment that won't matter to remember. They fecking don't know what's going on... I WANT TO DIE AND BRING THEM WITH ME SO THEY CAN SEE THE WRATH THAT I'LL PUT ON THEM AND GO TO HELL. I can't fucking stand myself anymore. I want to kill... just need something to die... oh, these fucking idiots that think everything is alright.... let's all fucking kill the world. I can't do it any longer... let's just be me... but we can't... so screw yourself more nick! make it fuck deeper! FUCKING KEEP OUT YOU BASTARD!

Fuck me next
First I bother to say that I don't love schylar... This makes schylar rather unhappy, along with the old feelings she has for certain people... But then I start getting love feelings for her again..... So, I've screwed up, cause I still can't read what these entities inside me want. I'm certainly thinking that I'm no longer two beings... not at the moment.... I'm smoothing into one thing... with many faces and personalities.... You never know which one will get you somewhere.... Then, of course, roxanne is sad about something... I can never be sure what's bothering her, but I know that something is... It's strange with her... she's not like most people; she worries about random things, not connecting a worry for a long period of time... just a peculiarity to wonder on..... Then I went to read Jessika's journal.... I'm just barely clued in on what's happening with her.... I just know that something big and ... grey is coming from this. (grey, not dark) I just hope I can say something to her that makes things help....
Then, there's maggie, who still claims she doesn't *like* me, bu it's obvious that she does.... And I always worry when I say things to her, because she is ... hmmm.... I guess she definitely has some insanities to beat upon herself....
And the girl that I don't even know her name, but we're friends online, and I kissed her.... (chatroom kiss.... doesn't feel like much, yet so much at the same time....).... I don't know what to feel about her... she's such a treasure, though....
Kirsten is just the same as usual... leaning on me for *spiritual guidance* or something like that... But definitely more of a flirt with Zach.... I'll be gone next year.. I wonder what happens next.....
Then there's me... I'm such an insecurity. My grades dropping should have been some signal to my fecking parents... but no, since I tell them things are alright, then it must be true. *sigh*... I suppose everything is how it should be... if it wasn't, it wouldn't exist. I don't get why I act the way I do to people... the little grimace that scare so many of the people that I really like.... I don't know where I'm headed to....
Teachers decide during our most social period that we must get the most homework... god, I'm screwed so fast.....
I don't know what to say next... things seem to move slowly compared to before... I don't have that sharp intellect.. I just place my voice in a soft whisper, hoping someone will listen in and know that I've changed..... Someone who can find some real help for me now........

MANIC depression...
I seriously hate recitals... but of course, one of these days I must have a perfect perfomance (wonder how long I've gotta live for that)... yes, well the real point to this entry...
I STILL don't know what to do about schylar... because all of the crap that I signed up to do for the end of the year (I'm a feckin eejit) I have to put off things for a while. This week it was the recital that was important... Next week is the NJHS stuff that I'm doing about 20 things for.... so I want to just say no to her, but I know it's going to hurt... but now that I figure she may be reading this, I guess it doesn't matter.... Just things about life that I can't love her... It doesn't have to do with my rep. seriously. Just things that don't feel right about it.... hm... and now I have 2 (and most likely soon to be more) teachers on my back because my grades are dropping a bit.... hmm.... i finally started a fecking social life, and now I'm not allowed to have it because my damn fecking grades can't keep up. Suprized the parents don't notice this sort of connection, but no, I'm just *secretly rebelling*... Fuck it... i've got things to do... like die... so we'll see how things turn out...
Ah yes, "Deadwood" has a great deal of relation to what I'm feeling right now.... (note, that's what I put in the music box; what I feel at the moment relates)

so bye now... why do I say bye? I'm writing this for myself.... oh, society must have their ways... grr....