the song... yes, THE song
Well, I told you all a while ago that I try to write something for each of my journal titles. Well, this is my first try at the lyrics to the song I'm writing for my journal title right now. Call it a soft rock ballad. Really soft rock. More like a cry for help, I'd say.


And every one of these decisions seems to take a little more of me away.
And every one of these sweet things, pleasures, treasures, all will soon be gone.
So here I stand, a man unchanged, but yet a man deserted;
A man of clay, hollow and unmoving.
And so today, I seek the sun's last rays.


Comment, flame, whatever you want about it.

irrationality
Alright. I have no idea how we got onto this conversation, but my mom told me that she (and apparently many other teachers) don't like when I walk accross the school grass. Now, I understand that some people are very anal retentive, but they can exercise this at their own household. I don't believe I show any disrespect by walking across grass. Grass grows just fine after someone walks on it, yes? But apparently I'm saying, "I hate this school" whenever I walk across that damned grass. Welp, I hate that this school thinks I hate it, and I certainly think the administration should lighten up and give its grass fields some use. Now excuse me, but I need to go disrespect my house now.

bleha!

How to make a silversoldier

Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 3 parts self-sufficiency 3 parts instinct

Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of lustfulness and enjoy!

sorry for the no update and such
well, today I went highway driving (and did rather well). Then, I didn't eat dinner, headed off to soccer practice (AYSO season... some of the guys on my team are really hot :P ) Then, I came home and realized how much I fucked up my stomach by not eating (it was about 8:45 at that point, and I need to constantly eat... my metabolism is strange, and I get serious cramps from my stomach and *strangely* kidneys from not eating) .... Well, I wasn't dealing well with pizza, so I made myself a peanut butter sandwich and took dramamine... So now I'm here operating the really high-tech device while drugged over. You'd be amazed how much I've used the backspace throughout this post. I should go to sleep.

ACRONYM!!!

S	Sophisticated
I	Insane
L	Light
V	Vigorous
E	Enchanting
R	Refreshing
S	Smart
O	Outrageous
L	Legendary
D	Dramatic
I	Innocent
E	Earthy
R	Relaxed

School's done... eh...
Yeah... the last day of school holds little significance to me anymore... I said my goodbye's... well, actually, I only said two or three. Shows how much of a relationship I've developed with that school. There were a few people I didn't say anything to that I would have liked to, but there's next year (hell, there's summer). So after school, I rode home w/ the mother, ate some lunch, then walked over to the mall. (ah, yes, I didn't tell y'all that I walked home on Wednesday. That was an extremely long walk. Hot, long, delirious.) Anywho, at the mall, I went over my list of CD's to pick up this summer @ Sam Goody: Romeo + Juliet soundtrack, Hands on a Hard Body - Garbage (whenever it comes out), Good News for People Who Like to Hear Bad News - Modest Mouse, The Buzz, whatever the new Muse cd is, and Gran Turismo... Well, I realized I had my Hastings gift card with me, so I walked there to pick up Gran Turismo, since I didn't have money to spend at Sam Goody. And on the way to Hastings, I saw Kevin, a graduate that is REALLY good looking (he works at Herbergers and is one of my sister's friends...). He fell asleep on the couch downstairs as I was working on my Water Is Wide essay last week (very cute, I must say).
I did well in classes this year, in fact, I think I was at the top of the class for several subjects. I'm still worried about my gym grade, though, because I'm not sure whether or not Darko knows who I am. He looked right at me while taking role last class, I acknowledged I was here, and he had to recall my name, because he didn't see me as being here. So, seeing that we're using the mile and pacer tests as a majority of the final grade, and I did not improve because of my knee, I could be screwed in that class.

I think I might have figured out some possible meaning to my dream today. In band (the period I have with TJ) Sarah asked me to play my district piece on the piano *one last time.* I went over to play the piece, and TJ came over to listen. Coincidental? most likely. Do I care? not really... The kid's cute, but he's not the kindest of them all.

interesting stuff...
As much as I should be updating on the last week of stuff that's gone on, I'd rather not. Instead, I'm going to write down the *relatively little amounts* of the dream I remember having last night.
First, I was in my room cleaning, as the only three things I do in there are clean, sleep, and listen to music. Well, I had my cd player on, and it had the most beautiful piano piece I've ever heard. I can't even remember what it sounded like now, but at the time it was very familiar... I loved it, and now I'm greatly annoyed that I didn't write it down or something... that's dreams for you.
Then, my sister was having some sort of party, so I was allowed to bring one guest (a very un-Spencer thing to do at parties). So, I brought TJ, of all people, and it seems some other friends showed up, anyhow. Now, I don't have anything against TJ, we just haven't hung out much this year. But he is EXTREMELY cute, and in the dream he and I were sitting on each other's laps the entire time... Cheesy? yes, but assumed love gets that way at times.

negative space
So... at the drama awards last night... well, first off, I was inducted into the International Thespian Society (yay!)
Alisa broke up with Ben last night, which really brought the evening down for her. Yeah... she was not the easiest to deal with today either.
To the point of this, though, my dad gave some great closing words yesterday about nothing.
First, he explained the difficulties of teaching negative space to his art students so long ago. One cannot draw what is there without the recognition of what is not. Likewise, we cannot appreciate the great moments in life without the recognition of all the low points in between. We will live life looking back over the time to the last high point, and we realize that it is the time in between these high points that we truly go about living.

Well, this is a somewhat more complex theory of what I came up with earlier this year. Of course, I was relating it to afterlife... I'm still not sure what to expect as a heaven or a hell. For if heaven is to be the point of all high forever, then either eternity is but a moment, or we come to exist in nothing more but stagnancy, that there is no glory or pain. The good becomes normal, and we drift away into nothingness (consequently, the whole point of Buddhism). So, maybe we are supposed to become part of the stars, or part of the space between. And we will achieve full nirvana in the coming of whatever the end is for us. For an afterlife of pure joy, or of pure pain, becomes an afterlife of increasing less feeling, less existence, and eventually the negative space.

The next year is ending soon
I'm such a dolt... I was going through my old journal entries again last night. One year ago yesterday, I was one really fucked up kid. I have thought for the longest time that things have been getting worse, but I just realized that this year may be the first year of recovery. There are a lot of changes that went on, a lot of bridges that were rebuilt, and a lot of buried skeletons. There's still a lot of changes that are yet to happen, but the time's aged things well thus far.

On to the semi-important items of the week...
In English for the entire week we have been reading "The Water Is Wide" by Pat Conroy. It's an autobiography about his time teaching on an isolated island of close to savage blacks. Mildly interesting.
In biology we have been working with chicks. My group's chick Butters was being taught to recognize green, which it did rather well. However, it also recognized males and hates males. Wonderful. That chick would peck at my hand until it was raw, if it got the chance. It's been fun watching Jarred work with his chick Jesús. It was supposed to come to the sound of a bell. Instead, it went cross-classroom to the chicken cages most of the time. But, of course, I was watching Jarred a lot more than his chick :P.
We had two tests in Algebra this week; one over quadratic equations and functions, and the other being the district assessment test. Then, we started on our small trig. unit. Lunch has been uneventful. I don't remember if I told y'all that we got our long lunches back. Well, it would be nice if we weren't required to stay in the cafeteria to eat at school... that leads to a lot of free time on my part.
We've covered many subjects in history. The five major religions (plus Confucianism) of the world, the problems with Israel, and modern terrorism. I don't think Cislo's even worried about what's on the final right now...
Band has left much to be desired. The group is playing horribly (bad, because we have a concert next week), and I'm not even doing well (bad, because I'm lead for our section). Dacia and I are extremely happy that we get into Symphonic next year (which reminds me, there's a really interesting story about that later).
Spanish... let's see, we've conjugated about twenty verbs, learned some foods, and done a general review for the year. Well, its been more Sra. Holland that's been doing everything, as we're not too interested in having any more work for the end of the year.
P.E.: running, softball, wiffle ball, mat ball, all that stuff. I can't say I'm enjoying the class anymore, mainly because rules have become superficial.
In health, we've been working on the first aid unit. Not the most exciting, I feel, because I've done this a good five times already.

Beyond school, things have been extremely eventful.
First off, I've been to many musical events recently. I showed up at the BoB, though there wasn't much to listen to. I went to our choir's production of "Elijah," which was slightly of interest. Then the Symphonic Band, Chamber Orchestra, etc. concert on Monday, the choir concert on Tuesday, and my piano recital on Thursday (which I might say was one of my better times). Since we're on the subject of music, I think I'll throw this anecdote in now. Mr. Kellogg called me in after school Thurday about Symphonic. I already have a slot in for trumpet, but he asked me if I would switch to trombone. Apparently, Conrad (the best trombonist, other than the seniors) is not doing Symphonic next year because he wants to take honors English and German 5-6. This coincides with the Symphonic timeslot, so he'll end up in Rustler band. So, Kellogg needs someone who can switch to trombone quickly over the summer (apparently, the existing trombonists are not well-to-do), and he picked me.
Great great great news!!!! I was told that I accumulated enough points to make Thespian this year!!!
That's about it for now.

So... I haven't updated for a while....
At this point, I don't even find it rational to try to recall what's happened in the past week... I'll just go over the absolutely huge events. Last Thursday (22) @ the play rehearsal, we spent the whole evening doing characterization... two hours of that... I was really tired after that one. um... Saturday, went to the church play/musical rehearsal... lord I hope it goes well (the production is this Sunday, I don't exactly encourage you to come, though it would be a lovely and extraneous effort by y'all). Sunday: oh wow, the big day... I've been baptized and confirmed. I officially belong to a church (mind you, I still consider myself agnostic). Wednesday: went to the final youth group meeting for this season... we had a dance... I headbanged Kate in the boob. It was hilarious for the few (very few) moments before she fell over on the floor in complete pain. Also on Wednesday, B. (the overall director and leader of the drama department) came to watch our show. Kelly, who had not been there for two rehearsals, screwed his lines and his blocking... throwing the rest of us off... It was not a happy time. This Thursday (29) I decided that all hope of having a good leader in student government would be hopeless. I had even disbanded my thoughts of creating a nihilist terrorist group, realizing that that would not be considered civil disobedience, and thus, I would be expelled and possibly sent to counsling/JDC. I also became very angry with my history group (this continues today, though the anger is directed more at our teacher now) because our project may be due next Friday, but today was our last chance to work in class... we are making a powerpoint... the title slide is the only completed slide...
Skipping over the rest of yesterday (might I say, the end of the year has become the annual insanity of my life... I burst with creative energy, am generally limited/failed in school, people become even more superficial, and my passions become very fuzzy)...
Today, Friday, the Thirtieth of April, Two-thousand Four.
I don't think I've ever written that out before.
I came to school early (probably the last time this year) and did... well... not much. In English, we were working on decorating packages for our May Day (actually, day after) delivery for the Cadre (yet another service project)... Yes, well I just realized that about two months ago I was asked to write a letter for this, and I completely blew it off, just like Ms. Notti had expected. She, however, has not noticed this, and thus will be out on a limb Sunday, as I have too much homework to be able to spend time working on that. Also, I saw in the Hot Ticket that our ad for the show is in (center fold). How nice to know that Jordan (he represents our play) was in the front of the picture, as Reena looks like a big fuzzy column in the background. Anywho, I can tell you all that my show will definitely be on Thursday, and I believe Friday... but don't go by that until I tell you again, because I still haven't heard schedualling plans. Biology: we worked on taxonomy/dichotomy keys... wonderful... Math: equations with radicals... amazing....
And, at lunch today, I was informed that my vote for student body thusfar is only worth the expenditure of six Tootsie Rolls... suddenly I feel absolutely jipped, finding out that I have little over 20¢ (if that) of value to our student society :P. History: Cislo had to use the disk drive that our powerpoint was saved on... so we didn't get any work done today. Band: though I am likely to destoy many people in my band right now, I managed to enjoy today thoroughly. Spanish: clothing....
Health: the booters came today. I became really uneasy when I found out I was sitting five feet away from an ex-meth user (paranoid by nature) and self-proclaimed addict to violence (he was, apparently, a predator while in jail)...
And, for the relatively short (30min.) play rehearsal, I felt rather well about how I did today, unlike most instances thus far.
I'm not sure how many breaths I took while typing this... but it seems like not many... not that this is much relevance to you... you stalkers... you freaks who wish to know my life...

parents screw me... eww... incest
I was going to say how crappy my inability to locate myself is really a depressing subject. But then my mom came in, and I couldn't update... so this is all I'm saying.......... yay?

so... I'm back...
Thank you much, Michelli0!
Let's see... I've got 'til May with this brace... Oh.. I got one with even larger hinges, so as I walk around I occasionally knock out my other knee on them...
Um... play rehearsal!! I love our cast (and I'm not specifying how...) But... Kelly and I haven't quite developed the brothers/rivals relationship we need for the play... yeah, I need to work on that... oh... It was really interesting last night. He's like, "So Nick, have you ever done the hard stuff?" And I'm just thinking, oh lord, another one... Well, I told him sure, because every time I'm around iodine I tend to make myself pretty high... I doubt that really counts, though. But he told me he thinks it'd be wicked awesome to have a rehearsal where the cast was stoned... now there's a thought. Molly (our director) was already having the hardest time talking last night (ex: You need to express it like tharg... slarberargan... SHARON!!!)... so we've decided we don't need drugs to get an interesting rehearsal.
My pig and I have been getting some real quality times recently... Yesterday, I pulled out his heart. Today, I cut it in half (it oozed blood... it's not even supposed to have blood anymore... but it oozed... out of the muscle walls, not the normal holes...), and cut open its stomach. Then, after school, I took out the intestines and unwound them (225cm).
Oh... my strange dream (first dream I've had in about a week):
First, I was walking around town (amazing how much one can walk in a dream), and then people started going insane and were doing the general *I'm insane and possibly a zombie act*, so I came home and got on the computer. Then, Lucien showed up and we drove around in his truck (speaking of, I haven't seen him in a few weeks...). And suddenly, I was in a basketball game in a very crowded field house... but I was playing against mentally challenged folks... strange indeed. I woke up as someone was tackling me.

oh, I should be asleep...
It's amazing how much a little injury like this can tire a person... I'm having an extremely hard time making it through these school days...
Let's see... We're watching the mod-version of Romeo & Juliet (with DiCaprio), because Notti doesn't think she'll have enough time to prepare for parent-teacher conferences... yeah, we've done much more than the GFH groups have done... seeing as we haven't even read the prologue yet... oy...
Biology... I was all alone today, since the Sophomores had to take the NCLB tests... so I peeled away skin from the throat and chest of a pig... what a great way to spend my free time...
No math today (NCLB tests in McLean's room)... very nice... I saw Lucien at lunch today... He's given up on his mission of flirtation with me. I'm kind of happy... I wouldn't want to be with much of an older guy right now... hmm... social studies... I am so friggin pissed at Cislo... he lost my research paper on Serbia during WWI... that took so long to do, and I don't have the files saved on my computer (a fact that goes beyond my understanding). We listened to our recording of festival... The band may have sounded good... but we could have used a better percussion group... oy... Questions in spanish.. that was about it... and we did coloring in health (!)?
Then, we started blocking for the play today... that didn't work out so well for me, because on my first two entrances I hop up on this box... and I really can't do any hopping for another week or so... so we're just faking it for the time being... I'm so happy with the cast I'm with... it sounds like we're doing much better than any other one-acts. I think we could take the show! so happy... so tired...

luck did run out...
I've gotten this bad omen building up all week... first, I make symphonic, then, I get a part in the play, next, our band and my solo do well at district... I just kept thinking, god, something really bad has to bring this all down...
Well, yesterday... First game of the Thunderbolts season, not more than five minutes into the game, this kid just rams into me ('twas very illegal, too), knocks me on my ass, and I hear something in my knee pop... not to mention as I walk off the field the pain and the strange sensation that one of my leg bones feels very loose... Well, I went to get it checked, apparently nothing serious, I just strained my MCL, and I have to wear one of those huge ass braces for the next week and a half, and every time I work out for the month after... good thing we don't have games next week...