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2003 23 August :: 2.32am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: mudvayne - world so cold
just rambling
so um jim didn't come over yesterday.. i guess he just wanted to stay home for a night, or something. but he just didn't want to come over.. so, i couldn't give him the food i brought home for him from the resturaunt we went to yesterday.. but it's still in the fridge, so i guess if he comes out sometime today he can eat it.. if someone else doesn't first.. but my mom knows not to eat it, cause i got it for jim. and dustins not home.. so i don't really think anyone will eat it. but i don't know.
i went over kellys about 2 hours ago, and we watched a movie.. i think it was called 'the marrying man' or something? i don't really remember. but oh well. it doesn't really matter. so i got back over here a little bit ago, and i just came in, turned on my stereo and sat at my computer. in less than a second, i was crying.. [yeah, i bet you think that i'm stupid.] but i just really seriously miss jim. i don't know what came over me. i mean, yeah i do miss him when he's not here, but i usually don't cry. i just saw him yesterday.. i mean i stayed over his house. so i was with him the day before, but i don't know what came over me like i said. so i called him, and woke him up and just said hey.. i just wanted to hear his voice. god i really do love him more and more each day..
i really hope he comes over tomorrow.. i seriously miss him. =( i don't know what i'm going to do when school starts, it's going to be rough. i hope he gets his license soon.. so he can drive out to my house all the time. beacuse it's going to kill me not to see him for almost a whole week except for in school.. i doubt we'll have any classes together. ahh, i don't know what i'm going to do. it's going to suck so much.
ahh school. starts in four more days god. i'd much rather kill myself than go back to that hell hole and be around everyone again. god it makes me hate people even more. i don't know.
it seems i don't know about a lot of things. i've said "i don't know" about a zillion times. jeeze. who cares.
looks it's me.
 .. 
"I have taken the broken shards of my heart and pounded them to dust. I place each precious piece in my hand and let the wind blow them in hopes you will catch them and make me whole."
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2003 22 August :: 5.15pm
kennywood
well, there isn't much to talk about kennywood..
i stayed at rochelles on wed. and thursday morning kelly and i walked up to caseys and we waited until about 11:30 for jim and mack to come pick us up. the ride was okay, until we got to mcdonalds, then it was better. (oh yeah kelly. =D) we didn't go in kennywood until about 1:00.. because of um, traffic? lol. but anyway, we met up with rochelle a little later, and then rochelle and kelly went off, and i stayed with jim and mack. then i found randi, and she stayed with us. we walked around rode some rides, i saw a whole bunch of people i don't like. but then again, i saw some 'friends'. all in all, i did have fun. and i'm just so glad that jim was there.. he made the trip great.
so we left about 10:00, and kelly went her way, and i stayed at jims. rochelle rode the bus home.
i got up around 10:00 in the morning, today, and jim and i got a shower, and then we got dressed/ate. he was supposed to come with me to go school shopping, but he wanted to stay home.. i was really mad but oh well. i ended up getting my mom not to go anyways. but we did stop at this really really really good resturaunt, (i forget what it's called) but we were supposed to take jim there but oh well, he wasn't with us. it's his own fault. =( but i did miss him. soo whatever though, we went to a couple stores, then we went home. i didn't buy anything though.
i guess later tonight i'm going to pick jim up, and then my mom said she'd take us to centry three this weekend sometime. so thats okay i guess. though i really did want to go tonight. but something always has to mess my plans up. jeeze.
oh! i forgot to mention that jennifer is coming over on wendsday! =D (my brothers ex girlfriend that i very much like) soo jim will finally meet her.. because i've wanted him to but my brother and her broke up before jim and i were together. ahh i just really can't wait to see her. this is great.
but i'm bored now, so i think i'm going to just post some quizes i took.
-x|x- lonely.
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2003 18 August :: 2.07pm
:: Mood: i don't know
:: Music: silence
could it be
just a song today.. maybe i'll write later.
i just.. don't feel so good. but jims here, so i really am happy. i missed him so much..
Masochist
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
Well I don't know what to say
Because there's truth to what you say
I know it kills you I'm this way
There's something different everyday
Could it be that I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide
Could it be that sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could it be that I'm only being me?
Not easy living in my mind
A little peace is hard to find
My every thought is undermined
By all the history inside
Could it be that I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide
Could it be that sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could it be that I'm only being me?
I know I hear the words you said
Over and over again
I just can't get them through my head
There's just too many voices
Must be like living with the dead
Waiting for me to begin
To do the things that I have said
And for this I'm sorry
So there's some truth to what you say
Could it be that I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide
Could it be that sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could it be that I'm only being me?
-Staind
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2003 16 August :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: i don't know
:: Music: semisonic - closing time
Saints and Sailors
youre becoming solitude and soo loving your
apartment. its understandable. ppl suck, and
youve expected too much, now u expect nothing,
but then again you have no reason too..
what dashboard confessional song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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2003 15 August :: 8.56am
:: Mood: sad
lets see
how many people feel like shit..?
cause i sure as hell do.
-x|x- me.
p.s. IM me on aim.. i'm bored.
she ran away x is my name.
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2003 15 August :: 2.23am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: jim talkin in my ear
update from last entry:
i went over rochelles house with her around like 5:30, and we were just chillin and shit, then my mom called at 7, and she was like "where are you?" im like "rochelles, where else would i be?" she started like flipping out on me, because i wasn't home.. (when she told rochelle to make sure i was home by six the next day i mean, wtf? fuck you.) so i got home around like an hour or so later, and kelly came over and we were just talkin, then we went out on my back deck. (okay, now i haven't ate anything for about a day now. and i didn't eat dinner yesterday.) my mom was like "jena, do the dinner dishes" i was like WHAT!? I DIDN'T EVEN EAT HERE! omg, i was so pissed off. she said something else, and i just ignored her. then george was like "i hope your not planning on going anywhere until christmas" where the fuck do i go? that just pissed me off right there. i go about 2 places every fuckin 6 months. so fuck them. i hope i die in my room tonight. i called jim about 9:15, and i just cried with him on the fone for about a hour and a half.. i'm just about stupid. crying on the fone for a hour and a half.. jesus. i'll update what happens later today. god only knows what shits gonna go down.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Test
-x|x- =( i don't know anymore.
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2003 14 August :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: silence
i had the worst day yesterday.
kelly rochelle and i went to the fair yesterday.. we were supposed to meet casey, matt and jim there. well.. this is what happened:
we were at the fair for about 20 minutes or so, and jim called and just like started kinda yelling at me. so i yelled back and i don't know what happened, i guess we sorta hung up on eachother. well after that we went down to the rides and rochelle met matt at the ferris wheel, she stayed with him, while kelly and i went on the round up. i guess rochelle didn't hear my fone ring.. and jim had called ilke 6 times. he left a message.. so i called him back. kelly and rochelle went on this other ride, i don't know the name of it. we just like yelled at eachother, and stuff.. he told me that he didn't want to come to the fair and see me, and he was really mad at me.. we got off the fone a couple minutes later, and i went to get kelly and rochelle. they just got off they're ride and asked me what jim said.. and i just started cry. like freakin balling my eyes out right in the middle of the fair. i didn't really care though, rochelle hugged me and said it was okay.. but i cried for like 5 minutes. i don't know.. i kept trying to call him back, but he didn't answer the fone.. i thought he left somewhere with some girl. (because of what he said on the message he left me on my fone.) so i was trying so hard not to start crying again. but after that i wasn't even in the mood to be at the fair, i just wanted to go home.. :( you could tell that i was upset/sad. a little bit later we found matt again, and then kelly got ahold of casey, and he came down. so i was like all alone, while everyone was with someone.. i was really getting depressed and you could tell. but i didn't care. jim called back around like 8:30-9:00 i think, and said he was sorry or whatever, but i didn't care, it didn't put me back in a good mood. casey was tryin to make me smile, but it didn't work.. i didn't even have any money, cause jim was supposed to come.. but thankfully rochelle was there, and she paid for me to get in, and kelly and her got drinks for us and stuff. and that was so nice of them. (thanks you guys, if your reading this.) jay came down and walked with us a little later, and about 9:30 him and casey left with ben and matt left to. kelly called her mom, and she didn't even come get us until like 11:00. so we just messed around, and talked and shit.
we got home, and went online. we got hungry cause we didn't eat anything at the fair, so we made some mac and cheese. and i put the pot in the sink, and put water in it. later that night after kelly roach and me were done eating, roach put the dishes in the sink, and filled them with water. well about noon today, my mom comes barging into my room and shes like "IT'S 12:00 GET UP NOW." i'm like okay? wtf? (i've been up since 11:00, because my brother had the tv up so freakin loud, it woke me up.) so i was just layed there for about 20 more minutes, and she comes back in and like is all yelling at me not to sleep my life away and she wants me in the kitchen "NOW" so i'm like "okay.." so i went out there, and she starts yelling at me for the 3 bowls that are in the sink, and the pot. shes like "WHY DIDN'T YOU SOAK THESE? THEY'RE HARD AS A ROCK" blah blah blah. i'm just like jesus christ. we did soak them. (which we really did.) so she went on and on and on and on about it. and she was like "who was here last night? wheres jim?" i was like "kelly and rochelle, jims at home." and she kept pressing the matter "why isn't jim here? where is he? didn't you see him last night?" i just said no, and walked away.. went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out again.
i didn't even do anything, and i'm gettin bitched at for everything. i mean.. jesus. i'm goin to rochelles tonight, but i have to be back tomorrow night by 6:00. so i can help her "tag things" for the yardsale this weekend. i don't know. i have to get away because i'm gonna shoot someone in the fuckin head. (not you rochelle! ha.)
i hope i die in my sleep.
-x|x- fuck this.
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2003 13 August :: 3.32am
:: Mood: afraid
:: Music: staind - so far away
a song
-x|x- afraid.
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2003 10 August :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: me first and the gimmie gimmies - i believe i can fly
"I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself for it. So there's your psychoanalysis, Doctor Freud." -Kathryn from Cruel Intentions
I didn't really do anything today.. i got up at 11, and just layed in bed until 1. so i was being lazy. i got up and got a shower, and then i called rochelle and left a message, cause no one answered.. i got online and just did nothing then kelly called around 3/4 o'clock. i got a shower then we went down to the park for kellys aunts 25th wedding anniversary.. and we got bored so we went back home and got our bikes and rode them back down to mingo.. omgosh the walk back up this big huge hill was so bad. it took us like 30 minutes to walk up it! we were all out of breath, and sweating.. eww. "bike fest 03'" ahahah kelly.
we got home and got ready to go to richardson park to see casey. so we went there, at around 8:30, and got back home around 9:15
we're gonna go watch a movie in a bit. it's called "jewles" (based on a book by danielle steel) the book was awsome so hopefully the movie is just as good. i love reading romance books. they make you sorta just forget everything around you because you just get so tied up in the characters and whats happening to them.. it just kinda makes you feel good when you get done reading them. :)
-x|x- not all here
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2003 9 August :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: spunky-less
:: Music: sugarcult - pretty girl
i'm back?
so i went to bethany beach with the 'family' we can say that i was miserable. i don't like the beach.. let alone with my family for a whole week in the same freakin house.. without being able to actually go anywhere.. (as in kellys house, or up my aunts, or over amys/rochelles.) but with jim there, it was a little bit better.. i guess.
all everyone wanted to do was go the beach.. and i'm not a beach person.. it just really upset/pissed me off that if i didn't go, everyone got mad at me. especially jim, and i felt bad. :( so i went and sat there, and read a book.. thank the lord for sun block, or i'd practicly be the color of dirt right now.. :( i hate getting sun. i hate it. hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it. hate doesn't describe it enough. i would be much happier white as a ghost.. so hopefully no one would notice me. haha but who cares..
we did some things.. i don't really feel like writing a huge entry detailing every day.. that would be pretty boring. but we went to the beach, shopped, jim and i got out 'old fashined picture' taken.. we look freakin so damn cute if i do say so myself. i'm gonna upload it on my picture album, so i'll make sure i put the link back up on here so you can look at it. i love it.. other than that, we didn't really do anything. i read a lot of books, and jim and i went the pool.. went for rides on the bikes there. he went in the ocean a lot. i just sorta sat and watched him. i don't like the water. i'd rather be sitting inside doing something like watching a movie.
but no use in complaining anymore. it's not like anyone wants to actually hear about it.
i think i've lost my "spunk"..?
hmm.. it's the 9th.. :-/ :(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!
-x|x- no spunk.
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2003 31 July :: 7.00pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: chevelle - don't fake this
leaving tomorrow morning
i'm just sittin here.. i got off the fone with my baby jim. i'm sittin here starin at a picture of us that's sitting by my computer and talking to casey.. i'm hoping jim gets her really soon so i can just break down and cry on his shoulder. :)
i guess were leaving tomorrow early in the morning for bethany beach. (in delaware) we'll be back either the 9th or 10th.. (which is next saturday or sunday) thats a whole week. i'm so glad that jim's coming with me.. other wise i don't think that i'd even go. i hate the beach. i'm not a very 'beachy' kinda person. i'm more of a 'sit in the shade and read a book/listen to music' kinda person. but hey, what can ya do? hopefully jim won't make me go into the ocean to much.. i don't wanna get tan or anything. >.< we get the "den" which is cool, cause it's the only room downstairs. :-D besides the kitchen and the living room/dining room. so yay.
earlier today my mom my sisters and i went and got our hair cut.. i just got layers, it's a little bit shorter.. it's not really what i wanted, but fuck it. who cares? i can't believe myself because i almost started crying after sam got her hair done. it looked/s really cute.. and i just kept thinking to myself "why can't my hair look like thaT???" and i actually started tearing up.. i am seriously pathetic. getting jealous of my own little sisters hair? wtf, i'm dumb. but then again, everyone knows that.
i'll write when i get back.. i bet that'll be a long entry. ha.
-x|x- me
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2003 30 July :: 11.18pm
:: Mood: sad
can't handle shit anymore
it just really hit me today, that i can't handle as much shit as i used to.. i mean, i almost started crying when my mom yelled at me.. (for "looking" at underware.) she was like 'whats your obession with underware? i saw you looking at them like 3 times." meanwhile, i wasn't even looking at them.. i just walked through them because it was the only way to get outta the one isle i was in. all the other ways were blocked by people.. i mean, jesus. she had no right to yell at me.. i didn't do anything. i had to stop myself from crying til i got home.. then i just went in my room.. blah, i don't wanna talk about it.
jim and i got into a fight again this morning.. well, it wasn't even really a fight.. i just sorta hung up on him because i got mad. i don't know what's wrong with me anymore, i just get mad all the time, for the stupidest little things. i'm so pathetic. i don't know why he's still with me.. he can do so much better than me..
i guess were goin to the beach on thursday night/friday morning (we don't know which one yet) i don't even want to go. i'm miserable anymore. i should be happy, i love jim with all my heart, i really do.. but i just can't be happy. but i guess i'll just make the best of it, and try to have fun or whatever..
i have to get myself back together, i'm practicly falling apart.. :(
"She was a fake. It wasn't easy to admit, but that's what she was. She pretended to be strong, even when her guts shook and her palms grew clammy. She led people to think she really didn't need anybody in her life, even though her soul cried out for it at times. She pretended nothing bothered her, and if it did, she played games with her head."
-x|x- not all here
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2003 29 July :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: korn - i did my time
i hate younger people
if i had the chance to kill everyone in the grade down from mine, i'd do it in a second. i don't think that even 5 of them have any sence what so ever! they're stupid! jesus christ.. they all should just drop off of the face of the earth and eat shit.
I ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO SOME STUPID SHIT FOR ATTENTION!!! i swear to god, people that just "cut" for attention, give people that cut a bad fuckin reputation. it pisses me the fuck off. i mean, i don't ever talk about cutting.. ever, to anyone.. and it just pisses me off when people sit there and practicly SHOW THEY'RE "CUTS" OFF. get a fuckin life you stupid fucks!
jesus christ, you need to learn to be yourself, because there are a lot more people in this world with a lot more problems.
everyone just needs to stop doing things because you think it's "cool".. most likely what you're doing is pretty fuckin stupid.
-x|x- fuck off.
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