BILLY SHEARS!!!!
What would you think if I sang out of tune?

I hate school and I hate this study hall.

Nothing to do after school because Maria is blowing me off again. Oh well though. Damn 6th graders are annyoing me. Are you sad because your on your own?... i dont know. He was right because he is using me and i damn well hate that. Would you believe love at first sight? yes im certain it happens all the time...

No One Here Gets Out ALIVE
I like this song because it kills love. This is how I feel now. Love is dead to me. The first time I actually like someone and I think they like me, it's killed by 2 mortal idiots. I want to die when I read my last post. I want to die. I'm sorry. I'm a stupid lieing hypocrite. I hate myself right now. i had to tell them i that it wasn't true, but it is true. I'm in a fuckin puddle of tears in my mind right now and I'm having horrible headaches. Damn it. I hate it all. I hate him. I love him. I'm indescive.

Gonna Make It Baby If We Try
Holy shit. wow. wow. wow. wow. woah. yeah...okay...right...yeah...that's memorable. That was the best and worst rehearsal I've ever had. He just liked...yeah...and all I could do was laugh. But then he did it again. And he said that. It made me feel...like yeah...I need to talk to someone.... NOW. I wanna tell my mom, but I don't want him to be killed. It's not like he raped me. Hahaha. Mom would kill him though. Now, I wanna be everything he wants. I haven't felt that way since...him...yeah. And I did it, but that was different because I turns out I actually liked being that. I pretened to like phish and the grateful dead, but then turns out I really did like that stuff. But him, he listenes to that pop punk crap. The stuff I listened to in 5th grade. I can't pretend to like that. It's impossible for me. Love my girl, she's looking good.

I Try My Best to Do What's Right
Okay... let's start from the beginning...

Field day:
It was awesome actually. Much better than math. Haha! Andy was in Blue 7, so we got to hang out I guess. It confused me though. Made me feel stalkerish in a way I will NEVER tell anyone. But, when I hang out with andy like that, it reminds me why I love him, but also why I hate him. I dont hate him, he just tends to annoy me sometimes. Such a stoner. Hahaha, that's funny on a lot of levels. He drops his shrooms and smokes his acid. Mwahaha. But, he's nice and funny. Makes me laugh a lot.

Then after school came:
Okay, first nothing at all happened. I listened to music and that was about it. Then we went outside to play four square and steven came too. Shit he's hilarious!
Hey, Bitch you broke my flower!
He makes me laugh a lot too. And he's a very touchy person. As in he grapped me and pretended to hump me, but it was all in good fun. Like one time he just came up behind me and hugged me. That made me feel...good, but not in a sudosexual way. Just made me feel happy. My face was tingly. It's hard to explain.

And you know what, I never expect to date either one of them, but it all comes down to who do I want to be my friend? If I hang out with Andy, steven calls me a stoner and I dont like that. If I hang out with Steven, everyone hates me because they dont like him. Well, either way people will hate me because no one likes either one of them, at least in my class anyway. God, I hate choices...

When I'm In Your Arms Nothing Can Bring Me Down!

Were you born?:	Dallas Texas
Do you want to die?:	Califorina or New York
Were you happiest when you were little?:	my playground or backyard
Were you happiest during your teenaged years?:	...my room, sometimes school, but usually my room
Are you happiest now?:	my room...
Do you fear being?:	in a silent dark room, my room at night
Is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head?:	head...
Would you go if you could go anywhere?:	California or New York
Would you go if you could go anywhere in the continental US?:	Read last answer
Do you want to be married (if you do.)?:	...california...or maybe jamaica
Can you concentrate best?:	my room
Do you like to eat most?:	uno's pizza
Do you like to be touched?:	uh...hmm...my face i guess...
If you're touched, causes you to freak out?:	my stomach or legs, just because i hate them

Where... brought to you by BZOINK!

Stupid little quiz to past the time. I got really confused really quick. DAMN FIELD DAY!

I'm An Idiot. Like, I Don't Say That Enough
I think when you resent your own religion, it kind of makes you...the antichrist. I'm an idiot. Everytime he's here and I talk, I always think of something better I could've said, and then I get mad at myself. Maybe, she'll be sick tommorow. Who knows. I want the ben kweller cd, but I haven't seen julia. I think she's still sad. Wish I could talk to her, but I can't. Im bored, i think I already said that. ... hmmm yeah...

People Are Just Strange
You'd Go Way Back When, If You Wanted To Be My Friend.

I don't know why I act so stupid for him. I could've been happy and I couldve went out side, but no, I stayed in and acted stupid and I felt stupid. I havent seen him all day. My face gets tingling and stupid when I go with him. I dont wanna write about this with Julie right next to me. So innocent and young.

Whats long hard and filled with seamen?
A submarine. Duh, you pervert.

Im tired of being alone. It's a sickening feeling. Im gonna...yeah...

I'm Here All the Time
Wow. I didnt know the music could be so powerful. I reccomended a song to julia and it made her like, break down into tears and stuff. oops. Maria was supposed to stay at my house all week, but she went to another friend's house. She does that. Randonly leaves places and goes to others. She'll come back though. One time she slept at this place for like 2 days and then finally just left and went home. I can understand that though, who wants to be stuck in one place. I'm extremely stressed out right now. I hate it. I need to chill out, but i cant. More things keep coming up. I swear im just gonna go courtney on them one day. Yep. Just go courtney. I gotta...sleep...why not?

Dreamland Sorrow
NEW COLOR BAR! WOOOHU!!

Ride the Highway West
I've chilled out a bit lately. Im not all stressed about learning all that stuff for fine arts week. It'll be okay! My cousin Chaz is coming down friday!! For his dad's wedding. That's so awesome!!! That means's he can go to the minglewood concert with me and then I can stay late because he pick me up! AWESOMENESS!!! He would've loved last night. He used to beat me up when I was little, but he stopped. His dreadlocks are longer now too. He cut them a year ago.

Anyway, today has been very busy. We went to the store and got hair stuff for mom and I got these sweaters that were on sale for a dollar. They're really cool, I shall wear one monday. Then we went to Minglewood and I got catherine's present, which I meant to get last night, but kept forgetting to walk over there. I got her a pack of 20 Songs of India incense, which are my favorite, and a incense holder that has a musical staff and notes on it. She plays flute, so she'll probably like it. She's never burned an incense before. That's crazy. She put them on her birthday list because me and stasia were talking about them. But, Im happy to give her her first pack, and there awesome one's too. I'm tempted to keep them and give her the rain one's mom gave me. But no, it's her birthday. She canceled her party though.

Then we were gonna go to Lula's Boutique, but they were closed, so we're gonna go tommorow if they're open. Then we got home and Mrs.Joyce said I had to be at the church early to rehearse my reading thing for tommorow. Ergh. We got there and they were practicing this stupid dance, where this girl is jesus and these other 2 girls are pulling her back and forth. Right....Then she told me what to say and stuff. Then we had choir rehearsal, mom got mad because I kept taking off my shoes. Haha. But, in the end, no one knew what they were doing so I don't have to do my reading thing tommorow. Awesome. But, now I'm going to sleep, because im sleepy.

"Check Check Motherfucker!" New Favorite Quote
WOW.wow.WOW. It's been soooo long. I havent been to a minglewood concert since waterfront. I do beg you to go there if you havent. Love Said Demeter is playing next friday, but I doubt I can go to that one. I loved that. I love minglewood concerts! They're like drugs. You can't just go to one and then come home and sleep. You have to work off the energy. SOOO AWESOME!! First Cosmic Donkey (i think) played. They were awesome!! Especially the last song they played. The whole thing was awesome. Then Proteus played and of course they were awesome.

"People, We're Proteus, that means you can dance and that's fuckin cool or you can sit, that's fuckin cool too, really that means anything you do is fuckin cool"

SO AWESOME! The only thing is most of the people there smoke. I hate cigarrette smoke, but who cares. This one guy Pete, he took his shirt off and threw it at the drummer. He was dancing all crazy and stuff. I had to leave after Proteus do to my mother. So I didnt get to see This Is The End. I think I fell in love about 5 times tonight. With 5 different people. But, what can I say, I love guys with long hair, grateful dead t-shirts, jim morrison t-shirts, and sandels. Saw kevin. You know how when you're in 6th grade, you have a crush on that one really cool senior? Well, everyone else in my class like Alan, but me, I liked the guy with the blond dreadlocks and star tattoo on his ankle. I stole his bandana when I was in the 6th grade. I still have it. That's semi-stalkerish. And his necklace, but it made me break-out. His dreads were longer and he was funnier. He kept yelling, "Check Check Motherfucker!!" Then he'd sing or somewhat rap and end everything with Motherfucker. Then they made him say some anti-bush stuff and he said, "Hey man, if you're like 18 or up, like vote. I don't, but we gotta get this asshole out of office. Nader all the way, or something!" I fake voted nader last year. Haha. Man. I need to go to another concert or something. Now, I'm bored.

Never Let'm Tell You There All the Same
Going to the minglewood concert in an hour. Can't freakin wait. I have to get my "hippie" clothes out. T-shirt, patchwork pants, sandles or flip flops. There's a uniform. If you wanna call it that. I have to overcome this whole paranoid shy thing. NOW! I'm hopefully gonna hang out with Julia. I hope. Andy (formally known as ???) can't go anymore. Mom was supposed to pick him up because he didnt have a ride, but his curfew is 8:00. I could tell my mom why, which is, he brought beer on a field trip in february and has been on punishment ever since, or his mom caught him smoking pot. But, i'd prefer not to. I called him to see if he was still going. It took him 3 minutes to remember who I was, and another 3 to remember what I was talking about. He was getting stoned. Of course.

In case you were wondering, I didn't go with him today. I had play practice. But, did that stop him? Nope, he kindly invited me next friday. I would tell him no right away, but he's so nice and funny. Played 4 square with Steven (formally known as ...), Billy, and some other people. It reminded me how cool steven is. I dont see why half the school hates him. He's awesome. But, he hates andy and drugs. Basically, all my hippie friends, hippie music and everything. But, I like both. The hippie stuff and the punk stuff that he's into. Look at my band, we kindly mix both styles together. Ahhh what's a girl to do?

Whenever Your Artency Shows, I Start to Take off My Clothes
Wow. More woohu times.

Okay, so that whole thing about stoners not remembering things is a lie. He remembered. It's a lie. Maybe he'll forget tommorow. Who knows. I want this too go away. I still have 10 minutes before spanish. Bye.

A Little Choly Weed To Ease Our Grief
Okay...
A woohu moment like hell.

Let's start from the beginning...

Today is APRIL 5TH, 2004, 10 YEARS AFTER KURT COBAIN KILLED HIMSELF.



Okay, let's get that out of the way. Moving on.

So I made my homemade Kurt Cobain t-shirt and wore that today. No one really noticed except ... (Im afraid to use names now) That's was really suprising. No one's ever done that to me before. I liked it though. Just that. I don't know it's hard to understand. If only he didn't think I was a druggie...

Moving on. Study hall. Only with ???. It was weird. He passed me a note saying, I wanna smoke with you sometimes. God damn it. Had this been a month ago, I'd of screamed with happiness, but I dont want that anymore. He gave me the new Ziggy Marley cd. So now, I have plans to smoke with ??? on friday and then go to Baskin Robins to get ice cream because he knows the perfect ice cream for when you're stoned.

Now, keep in mind, I have never done drugs before. I'm just awesomely good at acting like it, and I brought this upon myself. But, I mean come on, that's really nice of him to consider me. But, now I'm starting to like ..., which is weird, and well I can't go with ??? If I like ..., you know. No you don't I need to think. I shouldnt be faced with these problems. I should be drawing sharpie tatoos on my arm with Hillary and Julie. Not this. Not this. Not this.

When I Neglect This Journal, Really It's a Good Thing
It hasnt been a woohu moment, but I have felt shitty. Just alone really. I want love. Thats all. Someone to hold, that's all. Spontaneous love, that's all. Just someone who has the same interest has me and we can stay up all night laughing and talking about music and politics, without artificial enhancers. That's all I want, is that really too much to ask? I dont think it is. Why is my door open? I should fix that, hold on...

Anyway back to topic, I want to be set free just so I can meet people. Im feeling things Im not supposed to feel until Im like, 16. God Im screwed up. I need help, but they never listen when I say I do. Or they think Im following everyone else when I say I need help. Well, I'm not. I really do need something.