SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 4 May :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: dizzy
:: Music: finally got new batteries, so it's once again Something Corporate
"The squeaky wheel get's the grease." ~Mr. Gilbert
I can't remember what I was going to write. I've been trying to get myself to go study history.. but things came up.
Kinda crashed a few times. Completely poured out myself to a girl I only met a few days ago. Told her lots of things.. but nothing that would connect me.
I am so very confused. I can't handle this. This control. This confusion. This chaos. Both roads.. they'll hurt me. But.. which one is extended pain? What can I risk... What am I willing to lose? To give up? How many times will I kill myself..
I was so going to post one of my new stories here.... but I was talking to her... and she sent me this poem. And now I think I'll cry.
I won't let myself understand, ya know? I honestly will not let myself see something, comprehend something, etc. There is no light.
This is not my story. I claim no rights to it.
The Giver was alone, and the Gift unused: the Giver felt lonely, and sought to find someone worthy of the Gift.
The Rebel came along and saw the Gift the Giver possessed, and desired the Gift for himself. Rather than ask the Giver for the Gift, or ask what the Giver wanted for the Gift, the Rebel decided that social rules did not apply to him, and simply said "Give me the gift."
The Giver knew that the Gift was fragile and would be destroyed if mistreated, and did not trust the Rebel; for how many of those who are impolite are also delicate? But the Giver did not wish to offend, and so said to the Rebel "I am sorry, but this Gift is for someone else."
The Rebel grew angry and blustered "But I deserve the Gift. I am special and I deserve that things be given to me."
The Giver, glad to have trusted her first instinct, merely repeated: "I am sorry, but this Gift is for someone else."
And the Rebel, still complaining, went his way.
The Giver sat under a willow tree, contemplating the Gift and wondering about the qualities needed to really appreciate the Gift; as she was sitting there the sun and the breeze and the sound of the creek below lulled her into a doze.
The Thief, who had overheard the Rebel and the Giver, was waiting for just this moment. Dashing out from behind a nearby bush, he made a grab for the Gift; grasping it he started to run away.
However, the Giver was awakened by this and reached out to stop the Thief. "Give that back!" cried the Giver. "It is not yours! You have no right!" So saying, she reached out, trying to retrieve the Gift.
The Thief said "I do not care if it was not mine, I have possession of it so it is now my property." And so saying, he pulled again at the Gift, hoping to wrench it from the Giver.
In the ensuing struggle, the Gift was fouled, battered, and broken. The Thief, deciding he did not want a damaged Gift, finally let go and said "You keep it; it is now worthless."
The Giver cried at the state of the Gift, which she had hoped to find someone worthy of; it was dirty, pieces were missing and scattered in the grass around her, and the intact parts were bent and dented. She began to believe the Thief's assessment of the Gift: perhaps it no longer mattered who it belonged to, worthless as it was.
But then she noticed that her tears made clean streaks on the Gift as they fell, and she thought that perhaps if some of it could be cleaned, all of it could; perhaps she could make her Gift have worth once again. She took the Gift and its broken pieces to the creek, where she began to wash them.
The Gift was easy to clean, but in trying to wash the pieces that had been broken from it, the Giver lost one. She began to lose hope again. Yet she was still determined to try to repair the Gift.
Hours passed as she fit pieces back together where they would stay. Some pieces she could not make stay, however. From behind her came a voice: "Perhaps this Glue could help you mend your Gift." She turned to see a Stranger, holding a small tube of Glue. She took the Glue and thanked the Stranger, then finished repairing her Gift with the Stranger's Glue.
When she turned to give the Glue back to the Stranger, he was gone. She thought to herself that this Stranger had thought her Gift worthy enough to donate his Glue, and not even demand payment, nor even ask for the Glue to be returned. Perhaps her Gift had worth after all.
And as she sat and contemplated her Gift, she realized that the Stranger was the type of person who would neither ask nor demand a Gift, nor would he take, but rather he would give. And she thought to herself that the Stranger was a Giver too. And who better to appreciate a Gift but a Giver?
So she sought out the Stranger, and when she found him, she tried to return the Glue to him. He thanked her, but said that she should keep the Glue, in case the Gift should break again.
And the Giver said "In that case, you should accept the Glue, for I wish to give the Gift to you." And so saying, she placed the Gift in the Stranger's hands.
The Stranger looked at the Gift, and said "This is too precious; I do not know if I can take care of this Gift." The Giver said "I believe that you can, and I will stay with you and help you care for the Gift when you falter."
So the Stranger and the Giver took the Gift together, sharing in it and sharing it, and held it as an example for all to see.
Yeah... I am so freaking lost it's rediculous.
~*~
3 lovers |
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 1 May :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Something Corporate ~ Leaving Through the Window
Back Through The Ages. Hoorah for the Uber Personal.
Today is a day of realizations. Or was anyway..
Took the SATs today. I had some periods of complete clarity.. it was great. I could zoom through questions. Then a stupid thought would hit me and my mind would get all fuzzy again.
I think I did better than last time.. Hope anyway.
Kyu was in my room.. but she seemed.. quiet towards me.. probably just cause it was early and stressful.. yes.
Then I had to drive around for Gulfstream Park. Then try and get a parking spot. One hour. I was so tired and not feeling well I just decided to go home.
I.. was doing okay on the way home.. Kinda trying to stay awake while driving.. thinking about changing the music.. then I took Atlantic to get to Federal from AIA... and the bridge was up. So I stopped behind this little black Passat and saw this decal on the back window. Upon closer look I could see what it was... IAFF. I got so sick..
And I was thinking about it.. while trying to avoid looking ahead of me and praying the bridge went down faster.. and I'm like..... why haven't I just sat and cried? Hey, why haven't I cried many times? What have I not comprehended...? What hasn't sunk in..
But that wasn't it.. it was what wouldn't I let myself realize and face.
I lie to myself.. it's quite funny. The way I played this one off... even I'm impressed. But.. the facade's shattered a good number of times even in such a short time.. Too many emotions to keep back. I lie.. to escape reality. As Erik has put it when I asked him his opinion.. because it's easier.
Then I wondered why I can not stand it when others lie to me. I guessed it was they were thus able to hide things from me.. they could 'pull one over on me,' could deceive me in that so what else did they deceive me in? Erik said it was because I hated it when they did it because I hate myself first, hate how I am.
The one thing that I cannot get over.. that one tiny fracture across the facade's lips.. is that he lied to me. Not about those things.. those things people know about.. but about that thing. I asked him if there was anything he didn't tell me about that Saturday. He swore there wasn't.. said no several times.. flat out.. Swore no all the way up to when I told him what I knew later on.. then he said he lied. The world crashed down and emotions broke through.. broke through for a while before I could catch them then forget what had happened.
With lying goes trust.. and.. I don't understand it.
Denver sent me something that required the pushing of F2. I couldn't remember which one shut down the program you were in.. so I was afraid to do it. I'm pretty sure he'd never send me something like that.... but see? Not definitely sure. I bet he was hurt by that.. [It was some little profile thing that said 'click and push F2 between the 2 stars' and it would open up and show a cute little text about being nice or something.. but my AOL didn't hide the text.]
I... don't trust.. people... damn.
Hooray for self-revealing solemn posts!
Now that I've had some revelations, which I am sure I'll have myself forget like I just forgot the last few hours, all of you must have some revelations today too. That way we can declare this day something.
And post them here! (Ha! Like you'd do that..)
Now.. my new question.. is why in the world did I post this here?
Do I want him to see it? He's told me he isn't going to read my journal anymore. Because I don't want you people to give up again? It doesn't matter any more.. does it? I don't know why I put this here..
Let's move back throught time now.
Friday~ 4/30/04
I was dead tired today.
Nearly fell asleep while driving.
History... what to say about history.. I'm scared.
Band was rather uneventful except for the minor brush-offs.
Fell asleep when I got home.. Dad got me up, I ate dinner, took a shower, checked up online, then went to bed.
Thursday~ 4/29/04
You know what pisses me off?
Being told I can't do something I have full rights in doing.
MAO. They told me I couldn't run. Me and Jeanna and a few others. Because of new rules enacted a week before the elections: Be in MAO 2 years, or have gone to all the competitions that year. Lucky me to have missed one for the SAT.
So me.. I ignored the situation for the entirity of Jeanna's debating it. She got a rude email. Mer fought some and got no where.
Last night, midnight I wrote an email petitioning my view. I'm rather proud of it, thought it may be a bit grandiose:
Lydia and other MAO Officers~
I contest the change in rules one week prior to elections. I'm sorry but they are uncalled for by any means due to the time in which they are initiated. I can rattle off my excuses for being in MAO for one year (lack of car and younger sister) as well as for not being able to attend all the competitions this year (SAT on the same morning) but you don't want to hear them (still I threw them in anyway ^.~).
I have not argued with the officers over this. Instead, I let others voice their opinions since I was so far taken aback and hurt by this initiation I was not about to go speak my mind and offend others. In response I've heard some reasoning for it: the undedicated members running for President and Vice President. Well.. if they're undedicated sophomores or freshmen.. they won't win anyway. Besides, President should be limited to a rising senior and Vice President open to only rising seniors and rising juniors in my opinion, with rising sophomores not allowed to run for anything without having gone to all of the competitions. People take the top two positions especially into account very heavily, I would not expect the people in math club to go about and vote for someone definitely not qualified.
The timing of these new rules.. absurd. One week before the elections you make it a rule that one cannot run without having been to all the competitions. That defies time and cannot work. If that rule had been in place prior to the competitions, then it would be in all fairness and I could easily accept it.
I have personally done my best to participate and be active in this club. I tried to help out if I could and learn whatever was needed, tried to adapt to the things not explained to me and worked on what I did not understand. I believe I have full right to be able to run for an office, especially that of a historian, and that the rules have no grounds in fairness to be able to count.
Again, I apologize for my lack of a quicker reply. And request reconsideration of these rules for those members dedicated and passionate enough to still wish to run for offices.
Thank you for your time,
~*~
That got passed around today. People liked it and I was happy. We get to lunch and they're pissed off and intend to not put my name on the ballot. I was calm.. write in ballots worked fine for me.. I had full right to run and would do so.
Got to the meeting.. and Jeanna had informed Mr. Power of the new rules. Seems it was the first time he'd heard of them. He lectured and yelled at the officers for like 20 minutes! I kinda felt bad.. for the officers that didn't do anything.
Well, then we were allowed to give our speeches. I got tongue-tied of course and my mind completely blanked. Joyous. Really.
Jeanna and the others got to run too.
The election voting though.. really made me upset. I didn't like who I was voting for and why I think. I dunno..
There'll be a lot of close calls.
But after the elections.. Michael stood up and addressed the club and officers, asking who had changed the rules. He was a bit too passionate.. too forceful.. but the club did have a right to be told and explained to... Well, they should've gone into it before the election.. so many speeches were done on the spot. And others like Wojcich (props to the yearbook for helping me spell that right, though I had to recheck it a couple times) wanted to run, but didn't realize they were allowed to until Michael said something.
It was a big scene.. with lots of drama.. but.. yeah.
Someone wasn't happy afterward.. at me. We argued about nothing for a while, agreeing pretty much.. I think they were mad at knowing we were fighting it earlier.
[And now I just read my email... and am really not happy. She's accused me of "discrimination" and having sent hate mail. So I sent it to the whole club. Whatever.]
I... couldn't focus this night. Trying to work on the math assessment and just... couldn't.
I blamed him. Still do..
Loss of apetite.
Lack of sleep.
Inability to focus.
Heart racing.
Ugh, I dunno what's up with me. My body's about to give out soon.. circulation I think is down... my arms or legs'll just start to hurt.. ugh.
So I owe Lauren a great deal. Still.. it took me the whole night. Natalia came on and we chatted a bit, wasted some time. She left to go sleep and lie to her parents to miss the first to classes. Go her.
But Kyo... Kyo never left me... he stayed with me for hours... cheering me up and tring to get me to focus and feel better.. I don't understand them.
So that was my third all-nighter ever. I was SO dead on friday.. rolled into saturday.. with the SATs.. it'll roll into sunday's cramming.. and then to the AP exam I'm sure.
My head hurts.. A lot of my body hurts.. but I think.. I think if I got passed all the lies and things... my heart would be in pieces and I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I can already just barely do.
Oh, and I got a hold of the MSPP (TCG) for 600K (though it was stolen from another guild and sold to me...) So Lauren if you want that 'Evil' avatar or if you want it on another name Amanda, let me know.
With love...
~*~
2 lovers |
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 30 April :: 12.19am
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: silent echoes in my mind
who to leave the blame to... I'll take the blame onto myself..
I was going to post my story... but it was too depressive...
So then I tried to wait for a happy moment so I could post something non-depressive.. but it never happened..
So now I post this that Denver just sent me. He wrote this for me of me, today in class. Sudden inspiration.
Titled Denver.
Dated 4/29/04
Blueyed Angel
I sometimes wonder how many days that I could go staring into your eyes wondering
what ever gave God the idea to strip an angel of its wings
What deed I performed to be worthy of her influence; let alone her presence continues to
allude me
A simple blueyed gaze softens a heart I have tried so hard to keep stone
The purpose of her crippling influence defying everything I have come to know and
understand I can't seem to grasp
Unfamiliar emotions entangle within a familiar rhythm twisting the a vividly unclear
elaboration of what was once the sad song of my life
My heart no longer cold, faintly whispers a chorus only an angel could compose
I think a tear escaped me when I read this.. and just when I'd given up once again.
Oh.. and a given.. if anyone (naturally none of you people whom I know reads this) copies so much as a word from this poem.. they'll die. ^__^
Hmm... don't take things too literally... He lives too far away.. and has girlfriends on and off.. nothing could happen.
With love...
~*~
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 25 April :: 12.22pm
:: Mood: sick.. like a feeling in the gut that says somethi
:: Music: Dashboard Confessionals ~ Aliya's Christmas Gift CD
'other then that, everything is peachy keen, just as it should be'
[Denver:] i wonder how many days i could go just looking into your eyes questioning what ever gave god the idea to strip an angel of its wings
( Now that's the kind of thing that'll give me sweet dreams. )
I typed up another story. I guess I'll post the draft here once everyone has seen the lovely update I made for yesterday below this one.
TOK comic:
'....So Bernice, Delta and I talked - and still ended up mad at each other.'
'But now it's for the right reasons. Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.'
[Steph:] we went for a walk around my neighborhood..and he told me to close my eyes, and he kissed me!!! and my thoughts went exactly like this 'oo wet..ooo nice...ooooo!!!my first kiss!!!' and then it started to rain so he kissed me again in the rain-- it was SOO ROMANTIC
I'll put the story in it's own post.
I.. couldn't focus today. Nothing new. I've come to hate weekends. Instead of waiting online for a certain few people to come around, I went off to watch some philosophy in the form of The Labyrinth.
One part that always hits me is the junkyard. The scene were the goblins of the junkyard reveal Sarah's insecurities in her attachment to her childhood items. How her safety and security is kept entirely in the toys and things she has in her room... they are a part of her in that they're the only things she can let herself love, feel safe with, become attached to. Yet when the goblin physically sticks them to Sarah just like other junk is stuck to the goblin, Sarah feels the real weight of such beliefs and realizes her insecurities. She realizes that the toys and memorabilia cannot return her love, affection, or attention and that they are.. in reality.. just objects. Tangible and dear to her... but objects. What is more important is her baby brother, a real-life human being that.. damn. That's as far as I'm taking that.
All that I’ve done, I’ve done for you.
I move the stars for no one.
~Jareth, The Labyrinth
~*~
Question of the Day
Should I marry Denver?
( This question brought to you by Lauren, parentheticals to you! )
: P
2 lovers |
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 24 April :: 2.53am
:: Mood: a melting pot of emotions
:: Music: Amanda's Spiffeh Mix
Gesundheit.
I am so pissed off. Among other emotions.
So I get up this morning. Rush over to Old School Square. Drive around for like 20 minutes trying to find a relatively close spot to park. Cart the second bass and another harness over to the event. And hang around for Paul to get there. Cameron and Vinh were already there. We wait and wait and when Paul gets here.. there are only four of us. One for each of the different instruments. Our playing is called off because the others who said they'd be there didn't feel like getting up and coming over there.
So they left and I wandered to hang with Allison and Kyu at the sand creation booth. Then they left. I wandered some more and found Ali. Talked with her a bit until the supervisor came over. Then I made to leave but I found Danny. That made me happy. So I helped him at the sand creation booth for a bit, then we got moved to the jousting and I made sure the little kids didn't fall and scrape themselves up.
I heard Carver's drumline. And some other drumline on the steel drums.
I wrote myself down as community service from 11:30-2.
Parent's went off again. Grades I think it was over this time. That and my 'contempt I outwardly show of them' to which I told him to go get a book on parenting teens.
They wouldn't let me enjoy the one thing that was supposed to make me smile and happy. Thanks for letting me borrow that episode Natalia, it really was funny.
I guess what I said could be considered lies now, Tom.
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Fire Paw' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
[Denver:] pain only hurts for so long then you get used to it
[Me:] that sounds like something I'd say hun
[Denver:] i know
[Denver:] i was wonderingif you would react to that
[Me:] silly goose
[Denver:] your cynicle commentary is useually kinda deep and remotely poetic as well as wise beyound what you give yourself credit for
( Goodness me he sees something through my masks. )
[Me:] what stopped you [from slitting your wrist and commiting suicide last weekend]?
[Courtney:] i thought of u
[Me:] did you really? that cant be all that stopped you
[Courtney:] yeah it was
[Courtney:] and i knew what u would say
[Me:] what would I say?
[Courtney:] not to do it
[Me:] you still have so much life ahead of you sweetheart life that will be good and hopeful and happy
( Should I be happy the thought of me made her stop? Stressed I hold that kind of power? Sad I was away when she needed me the most?)
[Leah:] just face your problems head on instead of ignoring them!!
( Don't give me attitude.. )
Didn't get much work done today... people harrassing me and giving no moments peace and such.
~*~
Question of the Day
Are men obsolete?
( This lovely QOTD brought to you from Amanda through Lauren. Props to both! Well.. Lauren you have enough parentheticals.. so I give your props to Amanda too. ^__^ )
1 love |
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 21 April :: 10.47pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Dashboard Confessionals ~ Amanda's CD
heaven's messages yearn to touch the earth
AOL Research & Learn Skywatcher Alert
See the Lyrid Meteors Tonight
You'll see the most meteors around midnight in the northeast above the constellation Cygnus.
These are them aren't they? The ones we'd planned for.....
Mer mentioned them today as she went on about Evan. Dagger through the drained heart.
I came home yesterday planning to press my flowers so I'd have a tangible piece of the relationship.. but the violets were shriveling up. Literally shriveling. The pink rose.. it was already dead at the core.. giving off that deep deathly smell. The red rose had bloomed to the max, like one massive effort to release everything as soon as possible.
They were all to last two weeks.
Such depressing vibes.
Thank God for my nice stalker friend. His name is Denver if I've never mentioned it before. And I officially relinquish the title 'stalker'. He's been there for me in a different way then each of you are there for me.... wow..
Nothing more to really say except that as much as I enjoy The Bell Jar... now is not a good time to read her many adventures and thoughts into suicide. I think I might explain that to Schilit tomorrow..
Night!
~*~
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 19 April :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Dashboard Confessionals ..I remember this sense much too well. danger.
They were really screams in the silent room. But the rain clouds let the tears fall annonymously and screams sound just so angry.
I have nothing I really want to say. But this space has been empty too long.
Hmm.. who want's to listen to the poet's voice?
I'm in the mood for one of those philosophical-type abstract conversations, my dear hawk.
Lo and behold I actually said 'yes' to the question 'do you want to talk?'
Isn't wonderful how time would not cooperate with me though? Lovely.
You know what I find hilarious but sickeningly upsetting?
Dad surprised me by saying we needed to talk about relationships. I laughed at him and told him he was a little late. He's like, I know the school taught you about sex and such but we still need to talk to you about relationships.
So ya know, I'll let him talk, it'll help me in the end. I'm sitting there eating dinner thinking it was like, talking to me about boys and what to expect from relationships and where to draw the lines and the like.
Me and Katie make a run for it upstairs and later mom comes in and is like, your father needs to talk to you about relationships. I said I was busy today. She's replied that this was the most important time for me in school and that grades were very important and I must put them first and do very well because this year determines my next 10 years. Katie was like... way to pile on the pressure there. I was just aghast that that was the underlying point of what he wanted to talk to me about. Glad they think about me here.
~~~
11:25 PM.
World turns upside down.
First.
First.
First.
First.
How many more?
A couple I'm sure..
Death.
Trust? Is that what it was? Opened up a shell that had never been cracked. Gave a key that has never been handled before. Crushed. The flower's fragrance turns rotten. The petals open as the flowers float beside Ophelia. Drowning Ophelia.
Back the hell off. Stay away before you see some sides of me you've never seen.
I apologize, to everyone. To those who wish to claim they were right, feel free. To those who don't then stand in silence. All that will come from me now is silence.
Silent screams in the silent room.
~*~
2 lovers |
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
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2004 16 April :: 11.57pm
I had a date with David today. I took him out to dinner and he took me out to a movie. We saw Hellboy. It's a really good movie. I love him so much. I don't know what to write I'm that speechless. Well, I'm going to go now. Beth is here and is spending the night.
1 love |
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
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2004 14 April :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: very very tired
:: Music: none
Well, I was told yesterday that my brother and sister-in-law are going to have a healthy baby boy. YAY! Last time they had a girl Victoria Grace but she had a lot of developmental problems. Her organs weren't developing and she had a severe heart defect. Only 1 in 800 babies get this and they usually never survive. She would have lived 48 hours after birth and if she would have survived she would have been a vegetable all her life. It was also going to be dangerous for Amanda. So, even though some people might not agree with this, they terminated the pregnancy. But now she's 20 weeks along and my nephew is healthy! I'm so excited. In September there will be a new addition to the family. WEEEE!!!!
Oh yeah I almost forgot....I am VERY taken now. *big smile and blushes*
I love you David.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
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2004 13 April :: 9.37pm
There's No "I" In Team
Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means
And I've got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you're up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable...ohoh
Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means
You never knew
well i never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let's end this call,
and end this conversation
there's nothing worse...
(that's right he said, that's right he said it)
I swear, you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
(that's right he said)
that you always had it way too easy
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friend thinks I pulled the trigger!!!
Best friend thinks you get what you deserve!!!
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
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2004 13 April :: 9.33pm
Your Own Disaster
Just think of this and me
as just a few of many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I dare you to forget
those marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
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2004 13 April :: 9.21pm
:: Music: Something Corporate- Konstantiine
Konstantine
I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams
and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so
and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me
and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
we don't have much room to live
I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy
then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
we don't have much room to live
and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no
this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
but this time im alone and I dont see those stars
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant
and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you? [x7]
oh god i miss you
and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live
my Konstantine
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 11 April :: 12.05pm
I got to spend time with David yesterday!!! YAY! He's coming over for Easter today too...woohoo!! I'm so happy! I'll write more later.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 10 April :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: VERY HAPPY
Jumping for Joy
I get to see him. YAY! *dances* You have absolutely no idea how happy I am.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 8 April :: 9.11pm
Missing Him
I miss him. I miss him so much that I start crying every time I see a couple. I can't wait until I see him again soon. Only a few more days.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 7 April :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: lonely
I miss him. I want him here so badly. He’s so far away. Hopefully his mom won’t be a bitch and will let him come over on Saturday after they get home. Even if it’s just for a little while it’ll make me so happy. Today was ok for me I guess. No fawz means no fighting. What a relief. He’s making up stories about my parents to Beth and she’s getting frustrated with them. I hate when he does that. It makes me so mad. Anyway…
Gosh if only I had him here. To touch his face, feel his lips on mine, his hand gently rubbing my back, and to just feel his warm embrace when I first see him again. Heaven….I’ll be in heaven. We have the whole week for next week planned out. We’re going to go to Walgreen’s Monday morning to shop for stuff. I can’t stop thinking about him. I never thought that I could love someone like this again. I love him so much, but I’m so afraid of hurt. Of hurting him, of getting hurt anything that has to do with a relationship and hurt and well…I’m afraid of it. I wish I had more time with him. I only get an hour and 16 minutes with him during school then he has to go to the Math and Science Center. He picks me up after school but I only get a half an hour or so there. The only time I get a few hours is when his mom decides to let him come over for the evening one day a week. I hold that time with him as I do any other time so dearly. It flies by so fast. Too fast. I just want more time, but that is something I will never get for a long time.
Yesterday was fun. Beth and I went to the mall and shopped for a little while. Then we went to Barnes and Noble bought a couple frappechinos and then read some books. Lol. Those books were very educational. I’m going to go now though. Maybe Fawz will share the damn computer and I will be able to get online. Yeah I wrote this journal entry on Microsoft Works first. Later.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 7 April :: 1.05pm
Your body is light. Yoou are giving, understanding
and you give advise out like mosquitos give out
bites. People love you and you love them back.
EVERYONE loves you...everyone except for the
darks. You are enemies with the dark, but you
respect them anyway. You are a big person and
your will find much in your life. Dammit...I
sound like a fucking fortune cookie..ignore
me--Your special name is Male: Sevian
Female:Haylorie You are most compatible with
water becuase you both have a love for helping
people.
What element is your body? Also, what body you are compatible with and your special names!Includes beautiful pics.
brought to you by Quizilla
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 5 April :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: chipper
Spring Break is going by too slowly. I'm bored and I misses me David. Man, you never really realize how much you love someone until their gone somewhere else for a while. *sigh* I guess I have my second chance too. That makes me so happy! I mean now I finally have someone to love me the way that I love them! YAY!!!! I have to go....Beth is spending the night and I'm going with her somewhere. Bye!
I wovs you David and I wovs woo ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
ttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssss much!
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
|
::
2004 5 April :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: distant and fearful
:: Music: whatever will bring me out of the fog
Crimson Vengeance
Slipping. I could sense it today.
Must be because I'm overwhelmed. So much happens at once.
The Great Neopian Depression.
Disaster.
..you know the login page? Well if you forget your password they have a page to click on where you enter your username. Well.. this time.. if you entered your username it displayed your email and password on the page instead of emailing it to you personally. Glitch. If it wasn't your username you looked up? Hacking. Hacking with the glitch... Thrilling.
Over 500 accounts totalled. Mass chaos. Clips from Borovan/Adam.. he semi-cursed. Macho.
Many left.
Hrobi and featheralley frozen for their protection.
I'm on the down low. Absolutely no posting anywhere.
So pissed. Nature and Deb tried to suspend the guild for safety. Bit reckless. Kicked out a few players. Guess who's lucky? -.-
Now guess who is back!
Post on the diary and she'll post back. I knew she would. Took me 76 days to do it.
>> Fourth!?! Yes, yes there is a fourth. Kris! ;.; *hugs really tight* Oh my GOD you scared me so much! I only got this hug and a big ^_^ and and and I looked for you, I did! I looked for you on AIM but you weren't there! I thought you did something bad ;.;.. T_T *clings*
That email I sent long ago. Though if her connection was down I guess she just recently looked for me. Not hard enough I'll say. And without a reply to the email.
That's Kai-chan by the way.
My military friend... God how I worry. He sent me an email like.. a month ago....... and I didn't reply to it. Couldn't.... But... he hasn't written me any others... no jokes or random emails without a message either..
I want to email him.. I do... but... mmmmm.
Snapping.
My stalker friend. He's so sweet and always makes me feel better. Been away often lately though. Last night he came to me with some relationship trouble. I think I could finally actually offer some advice on the subject..
Kyo's changed. It's in the way he responds to me. After I told him he was different but didn't say why... I think he figured it out. So we tried again. But he did the world famous: put the away message saying you've gone out or what not without telling me so that after like a half hour I have to check and see his status manually. Daggers. Push me further.
What else?
I have random, sudden, major bouts of being really tired. Like all of a sudden I'll just be at the point of if I close my eyes I'll be asleep. It's freaky and really aggravating.
State Solo/Ensemble is.. tomorrow. TOMORROW! Have we practiced? No. Is Leah really sick? Yes. Should we play? Dunno but I'm not staying in school.
States for Math are in less than 2 weeks. Missing school for that.
Other things like that.. trips and concerts and performances and going out on weekends and something.. there's something...
It gets hungry.
But it's never full.
Feed it?
Don't get near it!
It'll never leave you alone then.
Sacrifice for a friend?
Why get near it?
It'll haunt you now.
Be afraid.
I'm trying to write... I need to write... need to...
Fears.
..help......
With love...
~*~
Question of the Day
Where do you go to think?
~~Later
Oh yes.. my day.. today
Went to bed at 1:30. Woke up at 5 completely awake.
Math.. guess I did poorly on. Must have.
English.. okay I guess. Themes.. grr.
History. Yeah.
Band. Played the bass drum for like.. half an hour straight. Been months since I've practiced. Ouch. Straight into marimba for another half hour or so. Then to the timpani. No time to talk to Lerner about being drum captain.
Gilbert wasn't happy when I just could not do music anymore. Wow.. I felt so stupid and sad and just.. worthless? Whatever. The seniors are much better than I am.
Hmm.. Is that all to say?
I guess.
Hope everyone liked this update on my life.
Mhmmm.
2 lovers |
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 3 April :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: enraged
NO FUCKING WAY WILL I EVER FORGIVE YOU
FORGIVE YOU?! HELL FUCKING NO! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL! YOU RUINED MY LIFE WHILE PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND! WHY? YOU MADE ME WANT TO END MY LIFE. I EVEN TRIED TO BECAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE YOU?! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I SERIOUSLY LAUGH AT THAT AND AM SO FUCKING ENRAGED THAT YOU WOULD ASK FOR SUCH A THING AS FORGIVENESS! YOU DO NOT DESERVE FORGIVENESS! YOU DON'T DESERVE A LOT! YOU ARE A BACKSTABBER! YOU TELL ME IM GOING TO HELL AND THAT NO ONE LOVES ME AND RUIN MY LIFE AND THEN TELL ME YOU AREN'T TALKING ABOUT ME AND WANT TO BE MY FRIEND. I TRUST YOU, YOU TURN AROUND AND RUIN ME AND HURT ME EVEN MORE, AND CONTINUE TO DO IT BEHIND MY BACK! NO WAY WILL YOU EVER BE FORGIVEN! GO FUCK YOURSELF! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO AS LONG AS MY NAME DOES NOT COME INTO WHAT YOU ARE DOING. MY NAME IS NOT TO COME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AGAIN! AND IF IT DOES. YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE. SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER DO ANYTHING TO ME AGAIN! OTHERWISE THINGS WILL GET UGLY AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME WHEN I'M LIKE THIS.
*tips hat* Have a nice day.....
2 lovers |
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 2 April :: 9.51pm
Quotes for David
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."
--Anonymous
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
--Aristotle
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
--Erich Fromm
Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
--Dr. Karl Menninger
Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
--St. Augustine
We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first.
--Anonymous
The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.
--Tigress Luv
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
--Robert Frost
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
--Anonymous
I would die for you. But I wouldn't and couldn't live for you.
--Ayn Rand
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.
--Lao-Tzu
You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.
--Henry Drummond
Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
--Mother Teresa
It isn't enough for your heart to break because everybody's heart is broken now.
--Allen Ginsberg
The worst prison would be a closed heart.
--Pope John Paul II
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.
--Plato
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship, that makes unhappy marriages.
--Friedrich Nietzsche
Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight, it'll crush, hold it too loose, it'll fly.
--Unknown
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
--Friedrich Nietzsche
Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies.
--Oscar Wilde
When I look into his eyes, it seems all the problems in the world go away and I'm floating in mid-air."
When I see you, the world stops as if the only purpose in life was for me to please you."
Source Unknown
Being in love is what makes working all week bearable. It makes cruising with your windows rolled down feel like you're riding in a convertible. It makes you dance to the rythm of the copy machine and makes Friday night really feel like THE WEEKEND."
Julie Hintz
"It's not just a physical attraction, I love him for every single thing he is. Every word he says, every step he takes. This is something that will never die. I have tried to stay reasonable with this, but I just can't anymore. I just can't."
"I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go."
I love you more than any word can say ... I love you more than every action I take ... I'll be right here loving you till the end."
"Happiness is falling asleep next to you and waking up thinking I'm still in my dreams."
"You know you're in love when at those times you're apart, you find yourself gazing at the sky in the direction she lives and feeling some peace in knowing that you live under the same sky."
'When he is the cause of your inspiration, when the world appears under a wonderful new light, when suddenly the meaning of your life is obvious..then you are in love."
"If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it."
"Ishould tell you how I really feel, but I'm afraid of what you might say..."
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 2 April :: 9.50pm
Bella Morte - One Winter's Night
I think with teary eyes
Of you my love on this dark night
I recall my time with you
In lonely rooms of saddest blue
Love and loss entwine
To never fall into the light
And my feelings true
Shall never rest until I die with you
And hand in hand one life
Moves against the tides of time and fate
And hand in hand one life
Turns its back on those who cannot see
And from this dying world
An echo carried softly on the breeze
Sounds of the Reaper's grace
A silent tear falls to a grim defeat
I watch the candle's light
Dance in time across your face
Your soft pale skin on mine
Lost in your gaze I slip away
Embrace the night my love
For it may be our last
But let not this moment fade and our memory
Shall never know the grave
On a cold winter's night
Shameless to the eyes that peer in
Behind the curtains our silhouettes are grey
And the cattails sway in gentle mist
Beside the mirror's gleam
From a soul that shines like stars
In the heavens from afar
Every word rings true
I'll never rest until I die with you
On a cold winter's night
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 2 April :: 8.57am
:: Mood: better than yesterday
No subject for today really
Wow. I'm up early for being sick and eating such a healthy breakfast too. Hershey's chocolate with coke and taking my medicine. Damn sore throats. Other than that....YAY SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!!!! WOOHU!!! Well, I think I'm going to go now. Have a good day.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 1 April :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: ok i guess
Stole from Ben....again
[my name is]: Susan
[in the morning i am]: not always awake
[love is]: hurtful sometimes
[i dream about]: a lot of things
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: eyes and personality
[last person you slow danced with]: David
-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: not going to say
[easiest to talk to]: David, Beth, Nikki, Liz, and Ben
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: yep.
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: still talking to beth
[hugged]: David
[you instant messaged]: Liz
[you laughed with]: beth
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer]: not sure
[what's your favorite food?]: too hard to choose
[whats your favorite fruit?]: blueberries and strawberries
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional
[trust others way too easily?]: yeah....i still feel the consequences of this
-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken?] : a few times
[of hearts i have broken?] : none
[of boys i have kissed?] : 3
[of girls i have kissed?] : none
[of drugs taken illegally?] : none
[of tight friends?] : a couple
[of cd's that i own?] : ahelluvalot
[of scars on my body?] : a lot
[of things in my past that i regret?] : trusting the wrong people....no Ben your not included with this regret.
-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[i know]: i want to get better
[i want]: to love and be loved in return... ditto
[i have]: amazing people around me
[i wish]: i had my life back
[i hate]: a few people
[i miss]: my life
[i fear]: clowns and rejection
[i hear]: Beth on the phone
[i search]: for inner peace
[i love]: i don't want to say right now.....this is an area that....well. let's just leave it at this
[i ache]: to have my life back
[i care]: for David
[i always] : try to care for everyone
[i dance]: a lot
[i cry]: when i am sad
[i do not always]: smile
[i write]: with pens or pencils but mostly pencils
[i confuse]: David....a lot
[i can usually be found]: at home, the pool deck at Lakeview High, or at Dance In Motion dance studio
[have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]: yep...at the Super Bowl party with David, Matt, Nick, and a couple other guys that are close friends of David and I
[favorite place to be kissed?]: my lips, my back and my neck
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]:no....oh wait yes i have...i bet ben still remembers too
[druggie]: fuck no
[gang member]: yeah right
[daydreamer]: yeah...
[alcoholic]: no
[freak]: no i don't think so
[brat]: nope just stubborn
[goody-goody]: sometimes
[angel]: sometimes
[devil]: oh yes....i am nicknamed Lucifer by Sam. he made me mad one day so i kicked him in the shin to get back at him
[friend]: i hope so
[shy]: around people i don't know well
[talkative]: when im around people i know really well
[adventurous]: somewhat
[intelligent]: that's what i've been told
-Concerning.The.Friends.(You.Claim.To.Have)-
[impacted you the most spiritually]: ummm....definatley Ben, Nikki, David, and Beth. They all have helped me in many ways spiritually and stuff like that
[wish you saw more often]: Nikki, Cheslsey, and Dennis
[wish you could meet]: wait why would i have to meet my friends?
[most sarcastic]: Beth
[wish you knew better]:
[knows you best]: David, Beth, and Nikki
[best outlook on life]: David, Nikki, and Liz
[most paranoid]: Rachel
[sweetest]: Nikki
-Self- Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[your best feature (personality)]:i can usually make people laugh and make people have a really good time even though something started out bad
[your biggest flaw (personality)]: i can be very loud sometimes
[most annoying thing you do]: hmmm. im very critical of myself
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: trying to hold on to a runaway dream....i still do wish that it would come true
[describe your personality in one word]: that's too hard....genuine
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: I'm not sure....probably my eyes or my smile....maybe whoever reads this could give me what they like the most in a comment.
[person you regret sleeping with]: I don't regret sleeping with him....
[a smell that makes you smile]: David or just flowers
[a country you'd like to visit]: Hungary, India, and Australia
[a drink you order most often]: soda, water, or gatorade (even though most places don't have gatorade i drink that a lot)
[a delicious desert]: cheesecake and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
[a book you highly recommend]: The Cloud Sketcher by Richard Rayner
[the music you prefer while alone]: Emo and Heavy Metal
[your favorite band]: too hard to decide
[a film you could watch over and over]: The Butterfly Effect, Mony Python and the Holy Grail, and Keeping the Faith
[a TV show you watch regularly]: Judging Amy and Charmed
[you live in a(n)]: a house
[your cologne or perfume]: Victoria Secret's Rasberry
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: memories that i tried to forget
[something important on your night table]: pictures of my closest friends
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 1 April :: 6.56pm
:: Mood: bleh...but a little happy
Being sick sucks
I never knew that when I feel this sick and grumpy that a few words that I only trust very little can bring a smile to my face because I now believe that it's true. * sigh* Although I'm confused right now I know I will get through it. I wishI had someone to talk to right now or someone to be here for me to hang out with. That'd be great. Well, I think I'm going to go and find some random surveys to put on this dam thing. That way whoever reads this can get to know me even better than they all ready do. I better get going.
just breathe
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 30 March :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: depressed
Wish List
1) To have my life back.
2) Be free of feelings that I have that I don't want
3) Get out of my depression
4) Set myself free from the presonal prison of hell I put myself in so no one sees "me"
5) To truly believe I'm loved
6) To stop cutting
7) To not feel this pain anymore
8) To not care about anything anymore that way I won't get hurt anymore
9) To not get hurt anymore
10) To be able to start trusting people again
11) To be anywhere but here
12) For someone to rescue me
13) To feel free again
14) My heart needs to be put back together. It's still in a million pieces. I don't know if I can pick them up again and put it back together. I want my heart to be mended
15) TO get married and be happy with my husband
16) To have healthy children
17) Have a good college education
18) Have a good job
19) Get the friends back that I lost due to stupid people feeding them bull shit
20) To not be so hard on myself all the time
21) To like and respect myself as a whole again
just breathe
|
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 30 March :: 8.48pm
Bad day
Today was bad. I hope it doesn't get any worse.
just breathe
|
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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams
|
::
2004 30 March :: 5.43pm
:: Mood: Eh....
Stole From Ben
About you]
[1]name: Susan
[2]age: 16 (soon to be 17)
[3]birthday: 7/13/1987
4]location: Battle Creek, MI
[5]where were you born?: Albion, Michigan
[6]where do you wish to be?: anywhere but here
[7]whats your hair like?: medium short, curly, dark brown but soon to be red
[8]what about your eyes?: normal dark brown when moods change: anywhere from dark green to bright blue
[9]how tall are you?: 5'5
[10]you secure with your body?: well it doesn't go off and do it's own thing if that's what you mean. otherwise no i am not. i'm very self-conscious
[11]so what kind of music do you like?: All kinds. Classical to Punk so what does that tell you? As long as it's not country or rap ok
[Family]
[12]parents names: Frances...i don't know my dad's name though
[13]any step monsters?: adoptive monsters...Julaine and Frank
[14]siblings?: One that I know out of 8
[15]what are the bastards names?: Paul the other 7 I have no idea
[16]do you have a dog?: Yes. Casper
[17]do you have a cat: Yes. Reis
[18]any other pets?: ferret named Nadia, two fish Bubbles and Mr. Wiggles, and three mice
[19]what's your dream pet?: a dolphin or any other wild animal
[20]have a big house?: not my own, my parents own it
[21]do you drive?: yes....sort of
[22]if so, what kind of car do you have. if not, what do you want?: I want a 1977 Monte Carlo Black
[This or that: music]
[23]saves the day or piebald?: Saves the Day
[24]le tigre or bikini kill?: Le Tigre
[25]mushroomhead or chimaira?: neither
[26]barenaked ladies or blink 182?: Blink 182
[27]weezer or the strokes?: The Strokes
[28]sparta or at the drive-in?: At The Drive-In
[29]sparta or mars volta?: Mars Volta
[30]the white stripes or the b52's?: The White Stripes
[31]selby tigers or bangs?: Selby Tigers
[32]pedro the lion or dashboard confessional: Dashboard Confessional
[33]punk or emo: both
[34]punk or riot grrrl?: punk
[35]riot grrrl or emo?: emo
[36]pop punk or punk rock?: punk rock
[37]screemo or softcore?: screamo
[38]which core(hard, soft, queer)?: does it really fucking matter?
[Your computer]
[39]you have aim?: yes
[40]how bout yahoo?: nope
[41]who still has icq?: i don't even know what the fuck that is
[42]you have msn?: nope
[43]kazaa?: no
[44]winamp?: nope
[45]whats your winamp skin?: see previous.
[46]have a digi cam?: yep
[47]a webcam?: nope
[48]have a cd burner?: yep
[49]got a dvd player on here?: yep
[Love life]
[50]have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: Yes, David
[51]how about a crush?: yes
[51]does he/she know you like them? possibly?
[53]tell us about him/her: not sure what to say but i think they know who they are
[54]have you ever been in love?: yes....once actually and very much so
[55]do you still love him/her?: yes i do. i know that this person may not want to hear that but i do....i always will
[56]ever kissed someone of the same sex?: yes
[57]so you're gay right?: ask smarter questions jackass
[58]are you out?: of what? my ass?....lol i like that response so i'll keep it....
[59]how far have you gone..sexually?: i've gone all the way before
[60]when's the last time you had some action?: none of your business
[61]you're a virgin right?: see last answer fuck balls
[62]how about oral sex? it's been quite a while
[63]ever gotten your heart broken?: yes very much so....he feels bad for it though and i wish i could feel better and make him feel better too
[64]ever broken a heart...hearts!?: no....i've always been the dumpee
[65]ever been cheated on?: yeah...
[66]ever cheated?: no
[Friends]
[78]are you anti-social?: not really...are you?
[79]how many people do you consider true friends?: 4
[Currently]
[80]wearing: blue jeans, a burgandy t-shirt
[81]eating: Peanut Butter flavored PowerBar
[82]drinking: Water
[83]listening to: The stupid movie playing on the tv next to me while I try to zone it out
[84]talking to: I was talking to David but he left
[85]downloading any music?: no
[86]watching tv?: not really, a dumb movie is on, so i guess no
[Opinions ; Likes]
[87]whats your favorite color?: Blue
[88]whats your sign?: Cancer
[89]how about your chinese zodiac?: Rabbit
[90]is pop punk an oxymoron?: who the fuck really cares? punk as it was known is dead and has been dead since the 90's
[91]christian punk?: again, who the fuck cares
[92]girl punk?: no thanks. most girl punk isn't good....
[93]whats your favorite month?: July because my b-day is in july
[94]favorite season?: I love them all
[95]favorite song?: too hard to decide
[96]favorite band?: again
[97]favorite shoes?: flip-flops, sneakers, or any of my dance shoes
[98]favorite shirt? the one I am wearing
[99]favorite pants?: the ones i am wearing
[100]favorite....thing?: pool, so I can do one of the things i love to do most....swim
[101]favorite instrument?: Guitar, Harp, Piano
[This or that... again]
[102] Coke or Pepsi: Coke
[103] Sprite or Mountain Dew: Sprite ReMix
[104] Day or Night: Night
[105] Black or White: Black.
[106] Velvet or Satin: Tough one....I like both....ummmm...velvet
[107] Turkey or Chicken: oooh that's a tough one...Both
[108] Dreams or None: Sometimes I wish none because a lot of my dreams have let me down
[109] Fear or Pain: Pain
[110] Boots or Sneakers: Sneakers so I can run
[111] Hockey or Baseball: Hockey
[112] Easter or Valentines: Valentines because Easter reminds me of a religion I am forced to believe or something of that nature
[113] Relationship or Friends w/ Benefits: Relationship
[114] Cell phone or Beepers: cell phone
[115] AIM or Yahoo!: AIM
[116] Yahoo! or MSN: AIM
[117] AIM or MSN: AIM
[118] Snow White or Ariel: the gang rape victim lyying dead at the end of my street..
[119] Eyeliner or Mascara: Eyeliner because it looks sexy....my eyelashes don't need mascara really long all ready
[Random]
[120] Straightedge?: eh. if i didn't smoke occasionally then i would be totally sXe
[121] Alcoholic (or drink a lot?): no
[122] Smoke?:when i get really upset
[123] Smoke weed?: nope
[124] Go to shows?: wish i had the time to
[125] Play in shows?: wish i could
[126] Dyed hair?/ Color? red
[127] Turn ons?: light kisses on my back, slight touching on my back and stomach, etc. I guess all the really romantic stuff
[128] Turn offs?: being rushed and the person being rough about it before we start
[129] Do you like sex on the beach? (not the drink): I would love to have sex on the beach with someone......you know who you are....
[130] Soft comfortable screw?: ummm? a soft screw? never heard of it.
[ Colorful stuff... ]
[131] What color underwear are you wearing?: black
[132] What color sheets are on your bed?: They're mutli colored. Orange, Purple, Blue, Pink and Red
[133] What color is your car?: the car that will be mine is going to be purple
[134] What color is your dream car?: RED
[135] What color is your carpet?: beige
[136] What color are your bedroom walls?: sky blue with clouds
[137] Do you like purple?: really dark purple yes or lilac purple yes
[138] What did you think of when i say... GREEN?: sick
[139] Who's name do you scream when you see a bright yellow hummer?: No one's
[140] M+M's... what's your favorite color?: red and blue
[141] What color are your nails?: no color
[142] What color are your toe nails?: no color
[143] What color are your shoes?: ummm....I've been wearing a lot of different fli-flops what I wore today, they were blue
What time is it?: 4:49pm
What's the date?: 2.30.04
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2004 29 March :: 8.28pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Linkin Park
Rainy Days and Mondays
My car was the only one left in the lonely parking lot on this wonderfully raining, first Monday back after break, first of the fourth quarter day.
I was pretty happy on my way home.. since I was going home.
Now I'm pissed off. Twin promised me several times I was first on the list for this month for Korbats and what do I find? Top of the High Score: Atryeu: 15,754. We were even chatting when Twin was earning her that. I was ONLINE damnit! Liars.
She has a shiny new trophy now. I really am happy for her.
The parents..... don't get me started. They really can't handle anything.
Hmm.... did forget to say, that since that hugely open post and the answering of any questions asked, I was dazed for days. Still can't write a story and haven't updated my journal for the longest time.. It's sad, really.
Dear goodness the thoughts that've crossed my mind.. Boy, do I like to jump moods quickly. I think I'm actually quite dizzy from it. Whew!
That man who died today.. the playwright.. hmm.. what was his name..
Ah well, he's my new hero.
Because of everything he did in his life and everything he accomplished.
Kay.. can't remember what else I was going to write.. I hope everyone was pleased with the circularness and illusion to indefinite things written above.
To those who'd wish to see me lament further, they can not comprehend how deeply I am hurt and if they wish this, then they do no understand me as they can not see how I display my pain. Loveliness. I will certainly continue to lament in whatever consolant silence the echoes give me. And please, allow me to take all the blame and guilt since I am, as of now, not able to actually talk to those I should. Tried, but can't. It makes things easier on all parties if they just give it all to me and can then get over it.
"To err is human,
To forgive, divine."
"Forgive yeself before others might forgive ye."
"Forgive me God, my trespasses, so that I might forgive those who trespass against me."
Lost like a child in the world unknown.
The Abyss beckons once again.
Sparkles and flecks, is that what attracts me?
Nay it be the cool silence and solitude,
The definite to never be hurt.
The Abyss beckons once again.
To be safe in the darkness,
What better consolation?
To protect those in the light.
I remember the path to the Abyss.
The Abyss was always with me.
Let me return to my peaceful Abyss,
Where no one needs be hurt.
I swear you ought not try and follow.
You won't know the password to the keep.
Though speak and you might see, my friend,
Cowered in the stillness.
Rays of light will find me.
That I know quite well.
In a sane state I let those rays enter,
And now they will forever stay.
Leave in peace.
Let the child lay.
You'll forget my Abyss.
And transient time will pass all by.
Praise be to the poems that never rhyme.
Goodness me, I sound morbid now, don't I?
With love.
~*~
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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::
2004 25 March :: 2.48am
:: Mood: dizzy, worthless, lost, scared, distant, alone, un
:: Music: Sum 41
take up space. that's all I really do anyway.
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Coconut JubJub' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
( Props to Atryeu )
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Slorg' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Illusen Doll' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Neoquest II Weakling' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
( Unneccessary thanks to warelin )
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Uni Faboo' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
( Thanks to warelin and his super-fast connection )
Yeah........ once I figure out what to say... I'll post again..... yeah.
just breathe
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