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werealljaded
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2004 21 March :: 2.31pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: lp
blahhh
i don't know how i feel anymore. like everything i think just contradicts myself. i like him, but i don't. i care, but i don't. what the hell, i can't even clear my own head out anymore. i think what it is- is that i do like him and care but i am trying so hard not to that i am like brainwashing myself because i know that the second that i admit to myself that i do like him...then it puts me in the position where he can hurt me...and of course he will, b/c he has a penis. .
chicago comes in town soon. i mean it was nice of matt to be honest and tell me up front about her. he didn't have to- and i guess most guys wouldn't have. i mean, i'm not all that worried about it. if something happens, it happens. she's only down for a week, and he's a guy- i can't expect him not to take advantage of that chance. and we're not going out, so i guess it's okay. i mean with some people, it's just common curitsy not to be with anyone else when you're talking to someone- but i don't know how he feels about that. . i mean it's not really that big of a deal. but to be honest, it would be nice if he didn't want to. it would be nice if he thinks about me this next week. but i guess i can't really think that will happen. it's hard to think about some other chick when you've got your arm around another one.
this might be wierd but i am more worried about the cuddling then making out... i mean, i can kiss someone that i am not all that into- you know, just fun. but i can't hold someone's hand unless i care. guys that i hook up with...i can't hold their hand- i will even pull away (i know i'm a bitch). i mean, even with matt sometimes i feel wierd about holding his hand. like i am just picturing them cuddling at the warehouse and then as soon as shes gone i am back and all his friends are gonna be like...wow stephanie must be a dumb chick. it's all an ego thing.
i am just reading way to into this. i don't even know if i have a right to care. i don't know where i stand at all. for all i know, she is JUST a friend. then again he did tell me that he likes her, so i would be a moron if i really thought that. i really don't care. i guess i'll just have to wait and see. but i have to admit it will suck to be ignored for a week. and what about on friday at the show when we'll both be there...will he still be cute towards me or just be like..heyy....
fuck it...i really don't care. he's just a stupid boy.
and i'm just a stupid girl
with a smile on my face
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LOSERxDORK
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2004 21 March :: 9.49am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: a static lullaby
11 days that grandmas been in the hospital :-/
soo friday i did nothing. saturday i went to look at two apartments and then we went out to eat and then after that i looked at one in east rockaway and we liked it even though its a tad out of our range. after that i went to visit my grandma in the hospital and we stayed there till about 9 and we came home, got white castle (yuck) and i called brian to find out that he was out already and he didn't call me because he didn't know my number! grrrr. well, i came home, talked to derek on the phone for alittle,watched
'camp cool' and room raiders 'maroon5' and then fell asleep. today i want to get my nails done and we have 2 apartments to see today. oyyy school tomorrow and i cant forget to type up my economics project
iloveyouall
35 kissed me to die |
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 20 March :: 1.50am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: foo fighters
my fists are balled
my feet are sore
and so are my torn walls
i am doing to them
what you did to mine
tearing through
only the emotional pain hurts far worse
than the physical
dry wall is much easier to patch up
then the holes in my stone heart
you made me crumble
you broke through my hard exterior
and now that you're gone
all that's left is a few pebbles
i have nothing to guard my heart
i am vulnerable
and angry
i wasted my shield on you
and got nothing in return
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 18 March :: 11.04pm
the more things change, the more they stay the same....
with a smile on my face
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rachel
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2004 18 March :: 6.44pm
yeh.. stuff happens..
but life goes on
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 17 March :: 11.14am
:: Music: THRICE...can't wait till' the 27th....fuck ya
so far today i one of my good friends has come out of the closet for being a lesbian and another friend told me she was raped two days ago. wow....
i don't care that niki is a lesbian...it's only a little weird because of how many times this chick has seen me naked over the years...lol like a lot.
and about my other friend. that really sucks. guys are such assholes. i feel really bad for her, she balmes herself. how can girls be so weak minded? i'd chop off his wang.
things aren't looking so great for joey in the hospital. he's not even responded with hand shakes or blinking eyes anymore. i can't wait until i can visit him.
all this and it's not even noon yet.
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 16 March :: 10.35pm
what are friends for??
PrinceQuibble: uhm, any guy who has an opportunity with you ... and wastes it with ANYBODY else... isn't any good for you!
HopeGetsYouDown: lol ha
PrinceQuibble: it's the truth!
~~that was kinda nice
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 16 March :: 10.08pm
:: Music: nerf herder
burnnnnnn
today was pretty cool. it POURED, but i didn't mind- i love the rain. still havn't made out in the rain? i want one of those hardcore movie scenes (any takers?) haha, anyways. i went over to my friend jakes house after school and we made hot dogs and hung out. then we went over to my friend amity's... it wasn't what i expected it to be. nothing life altering...don't know why i waited so long to do it. it really isn't that big of a deal.
it's funny..i honestly think my friends were more excited about it than i. i've always been the one turning it down and just sitting there. i have about ten guys that want to hook it up. haha at least i know i won't go broke over this......
i love my new job. it kicks ass. i wear what i want, i pop into the cd player whatever i want, and i can say anything i want. i actually look forward to going into work...it's been a while since i felt that. and the pay kicks ass. hahaha don't eb jealous
with a smile on my face
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LOSERxDORK
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2004 16 March :: 7.19pm
:: Mood: pissed
:: Music: creed
hmm...thinking about making my journal friends only
<3
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 16 March :: 12.24pm
:: Music: usher
i'm hanging out with Jake A.K.A. Idaho..... i like hanging out with him because he's just as retarded as me. we're making hot dogs right now. i'm so hungry. and i think i might do something fun today.
with a smile on my face
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LOSERxDORK
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2004 16 March :: 6.51am
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: nothing
i probably only have like 2 periods of school today because im going to the holocaust museum in glen cove. shiiiiit that reminds me of colin :-/ well, i'll update about the day later. hopefully someone wants to pick me up from school?
iwanthim<3
24 kissed me to die |
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 16 March :: 12.21am
three eventful things happened today:
1) found out that one of my Baltimore Boys
are in town.
2) found out that one of my old friends is
next to dead after a car accident this
weekend
3) realized that you don't care
with a smile on my face
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LOSERxDORK
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2004 15 March :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: rockell- in a dream
well, school was not too bad. besides for the fact i tried begging my mom not to make me go it was aright. everyone was like 'are you ok?' blah blah blah. i was fine. i felt shitty but i was OK. well, my mom couldn't drive me to school so i got off at the west hempstead stop and paris and mikey drove me home and hung out with me for alittle bit. i got home and blah blah LOL. tomorrow is tuesday and we're going to the holocaust museum in glen cove (about 12 of us) well, that should be fun - derek is going to call me in a bit so im gonna go wait :)
iheartyouall<3
with a smile on my face
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skittlicious
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2004 15 March :: 12.09am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: outkast // roses
How do you say goodbye when you never want it to end?
Okay, so somehow I managed 16, almost 17 years without ever having to say goodbye to a friend. But unfortuantely things don't always stay so good :-(. After work tonight I went over Stephen's to say goodbye, because he's leaving tomorrow. I got there, gave him pictures, a letter, and the damn RISK game. Shoes were thrown and then we played Simon Says. I had to leave at 10:45, to make sure I was back home no later than 11, and that was that. As I walked out, I was like wow, not that hard. And then it hit me, who knows when I'm going to see stephen again, so I got into my car, and just cried, I cried so fucking hard. I hate it, saying goodbye sucks. SO all in all, tonight sucked...hardcore.
=(
<3mandyy
with a smile on my face
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werealljaded
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2004 14 March :: 8.33pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: police...greatest hits
The Police f' in rock.......
and it's something my mother won't call "noise"
with a smile on my face
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