ladybug04
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2006 21 June :: 10.57pm
Where are you?
Well.. nothing is new. I've been running a lot lately and spending more time in karate for blackbelt training. I can't wait until my test.
I hope everyone's summer is going really good.
11 days until my bday.
I'll never have what I really really want.
drops of time
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m&ms487
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2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed
It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.
Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.
There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.
What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.
But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.
michelle
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ladybug04
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2006 17 June :: 11.36pm
Just got back from camping like an hour ago. Yesterday was Alyssa's 18th birthday.
Happy 18th Birthday Phil!
and in only 15 days it's my birthday. (but I'll only be 17)
4 memories made |
drops of time
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m&ms487
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2006 16 June :: 7.52am
Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.
I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.
michelle
2 memories made |
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m&ms487
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2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed
The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.
It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.
The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.
Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.
I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.
I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.
I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.
I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).
Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.
Or I could go to school.
Choices, Choices...
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore
-michelle
1 memories made |
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ladybug04
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2006 8 June :: 1.27pm
I have been doing lots of PT this past week. Black belt training started last Saturday. I have a demo tomorrow in Rockford at 6:30. I do have a new partner this year though, he's 12 years old and bigger and taller than me, and he's not as good as my last partner, but he's learning. (wow that's a runon sentence) but oh well, that's my update.
24 days until i'm 17!
1 memories made |
drops of time
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 6 June :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: softball world series
ARIZONA WILD CATS!!!!!!!! They could go all the WAY!
So, I'm almost sad we don't have school anymore, but not at the same time. It sucks not seeing everyone as often, but then again there are things and people I'm glad I don't have to deal with daily anymore.
This week has been so deadly... and it's only Tuesday. I've had tennis camp and softball practice the past two days. Plus yesterday I did tennis then softball then more tennis. It wore me out. Today I had tennis from 7:30 to 9 this morning and then softball from 10-noon. I didn't even get to go home between. So when I got home I ate lunch and ended up falling asleep on the coach... but that only lasted around 10 minutes. Then stupid Steph woke me up, so I went up stairs to sleep (I was WAY tired). That nap lasted 2 hours. This is like a milestone people. I do NOT take naps... ever. Ask JD, he always got annoyed because I would hang out with his family or just watch TV instead of taking a nap with him. It's not my fault though... it's just not normal.
So yea, I'm pretty much in get-over-him-quick mode now. I'm sick of being jealous when he likes someone else... and I feel idiotic playing the jealous ex-girlfriend role. It's so not my style. But you wanna' know a secret... I have a crush on Caleb. Yea, JD's best friend. What can I say? I liked him freshmen year, we had a biology fling... of course no one will understand that unless they were there. But yea, I told J that, and he said it was cool. You could tell he didn't like it much, but he did predict it. When we were dating Caleb described his dream girl and J said it was me to a T. He said if there was anyone he'd be glad to see me end up with besides him, it would be Caleb. Only issue here is that Caleb is (or at least was) in love with my best friend. Gotta' love crazy triangles of crushness. Yea, fuuuun stuff.
Oh my gosh... do you know what makes me mad? Well, not mad exactly... just annoyed. Work. That place is evil. Beth is making me work on the 4th of July since I've had so many days off. But that sucks because I actually started to go to the fireworks and stuff as of last year, I was suppose to go with a coulple friends... and I can't if I'm at work. This job is seriously gonna' start to suck when Ken and Phil leave. Carl already quit, and Kati (I think) did too. Jamie's gonna' be my only friend there! Well, none of the afore mentioned people was really my friend, just people I had fun talking to and working with. Kyle and Drew can be fun too, it's just that I don't feel as comfortable with them. I don't know, if I had another option I'd take it... but I don't. So all I can do is hope it's not that bad. I have the farm too anyway... so we'll see.
Okay, I should jet now. Have a beautiful day loves.
-Jaq-
P.S.
ARIZONA WON THE 2006 WOMEN'S COLLEGE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!!!!
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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.45am
So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.
1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.
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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused
So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.
I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.
I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.
I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.
I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.
I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.
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m&ms487
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2006 2 June :: 9.29pm
"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"
It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.
It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.
Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.
A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.
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m&ms487
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2006 31 May :: 3.49pm
You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.
Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.
It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.
I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.
drops of time
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 27 May :: 12.01am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: silence
bonfires...
I'm never going to get what I want, am I? I'm never going to be able to do stuff that I went, have a late curfew, have a guy love me back. I'm not going to get what I want ever. Why can't I just except that? Life is not going to work that way... it never has, and never will. His friends are always going to talk badly about me, they're always going to think I'm a loser, a bitch, a controlling freak. I'll never fit in, and he'll never let me. I'll never kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, or feel his touch again. I'm always just going to be his friend. I'm going to be his friend in the way that Jamie is, not the way Katie is. I'll never be the one he hugs and messes with and gives back rubs. I'll never be the one he flirts with and laughs with. I'll always be the one who's making him look like an ass. I'll always be the one trying not to cry. And in the end I'll always end up going home repeating over and over to myself that he doesn't matter, and that I'll find someone better.
I'll never be what he wants, but I'll always be what he needs. And I'll always love him... even though I won't always like him. I hate the pain I feel... it hurts worse than anything ever has before. And trust me, I know pain... I really really do. Physical pain is nothing compared to this. I just want to be the one he wants. I want someone to want me too... and I want it to be him. Why do I have to still want him? Why do I still have to love him? Why can't he just still love me?
Why am I even asking? I'll never know the answer... but I'll always wonder... and I'll always miss him. Always.
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 22 May :: 8.45pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: The Real Thing :Bou Bice
Tell me that it's fate drivin' me insane.
So, I really cannot get over him. I just can't. I literally cry myself to sleep a LOT thinking about him. It drives me nuts. What I like, however, is that he hasn't gotten over me yet either. He kissed me tonight. We had a serious talk, which ended in tears, then I showed him my scrapbook and pictures of us. (Amazing pictures!) Then I asked if I should do a page devoted to us or not, and he kissed me. That was his way of saying "yes" I suppose. We just laughed after that. We wrestled and laughed and talked and had the BEST time. I wish he could hold me forever. I wish he could kiss me forever. I just love the feeling being with him gives me. Yep, *sigh* I'm in love. Funny how that's not always good though, huh?
Anyway, I should jet. I just thought I'd gush about everything. But now it's sleepy shower time... and then maybe early to bed. Who knows, I could definetly use the sleep.
Anyway, I'll check ya' later loves.
-Jacqui-
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m&ms487
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2006 21 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: apathetic
School is done.
Now I get to look forward to working. at meijer. at the service desk. for six an hour. bitches.
It was fun while it lasted, i guess.
Now i get to go to college, that's the scary part.
Mine and Rueben's two year anniversary was Friday. It seems like we've been together forever....
He got me flowers and last night we went out to eat and then we fell asleep together. I love falling asleep with him. It's the only time when I feel safe. I can curl up next to him and know he won't let anything hurt me. It's a wonderful feeling.
i miss band.
3 memories made |
drops of time
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ladybug04
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2006 13 May :: 11.08pm
This is Disturbing
A German Man is sentenced to death for being a cannibal.. read on:
FRANKFURT, Germany - A man who admitted killing and eating an acquaintance he met on the Internet was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison Tuesday, following his retrial in a case that engrossed and appalled Germany.
Armin Meiwes, a 44-year-old computer technician, also was convicted of disturbing the peace of the dead. His lawyers had argued that the Frankfurt state court should instead convict him of the lesser offense of “killing on demand,” on the grounds that he was only following his victim’s wishes.
The retrial of Meiwes opened in January. It was held after a federal appeals court overturned his initial manslaughter conviction to allow prosecutors to seek a tougher sentence.
At the retrial, Meiwes renewed a detailed confession, telling the court his version of the grisly details of the March 2001 killing of Bernd Juergen Brandes at Meiwes’ home in the central town of Rotenburg.
Meiwes said Brandes — who had traveled from Berlin after answering his Internet posting under the pseudonym “Franky” seeking a young man for “slaughter and consumption” — wanted to be stabbed to death after drinking a bottle of cold medicine to lose consciousness. He testified that Brandes, 43, had wanted to “be eaten alive.”
“Otherwise, I would never have done it,” Meiwes, who captured the killing on video, told the court during the trial.
‘I didn’t want to kill him’
Meiwes also maintained that Brandes had urged him to carry out further killings after his death.
Still, the defendant claimed he had hesitated before going through with the act.
“I wanted to eat him — I didn’t want to kill him,” he told the court.
Police tracked down and arrested Meiwes in December 2002 after a student in Austria alerted them to a message Meiwes had posted on the Internet seeking a man willing to be killed and eaten.
In early 2004, a court in the city of Kassel convicted Meiwes of manslaughter and sentenced him to 8 years in prison, but prosecutors appealed the verdict.
Federal judges overturned the original ruling last year and ordered a retrial, arguing the lower court, in rejecting murder charges, failed to give sufficient consideration to the sexual motive behind the killing.
2 memories made |
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