wo de padre shi hen idioto
my parental is yelling so this has to be quick.

i dont remember my last update. it was probably forever ago, so most likely no one still reads this.

oh well.

basically,

i hate romeo and juliet. and my english teacher.
and rocks. and my science teacher.
and greece, but i like that teacher.
and prep. and all of those teachers.

i dislike school.

and i dislike thanksgiving. it brings mad amounts of stress and psychoticness. atleast it does in this house.

but

WILL'S COMING HOME TOMORROW
AND
RENT COMES OUT TOMORROW
AND
i'm going to the daycare for a very long time because we get out at 12 and they go till 5, which is exciting. even though gene was supposed to come with emily and me, but he isn't. emily and i will still have fun. with all the little cuties who are my HEROES because they're amazing.

and
exam week is coming. *gasp*
world civ is a take-home-test, thank GOD, or else i would fail it.
english..well, ooch, that wont be fun.
science, oh shit. basically, shit.
but, no prep test, cause that'd be weird.. so thats an easy a
and no gym test, but i'm failing that one anyway. i hate gym. its stupid.
chinese.. well.. hmm... i'm probably in a c range, but its okay, because i like that class. and it's going to be SO sad not to have it next trimester, cause i'll miss everyone.

anyways..

last night was, well, not so fun. thanks a bunch to you know who you are, cause you tried to talk me through it. by the way, i had basically no idea what was going on, or what you had said until i reread the convo.. so. yeah.

ANY WHO....


i guess thats all

adios

always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

wow

sometimes i think i can't live without him.
but it's amazing: i haven't seem him for an entire year.

and i'm alive.

wow.


((today was the worst day. i hated it.))

HOLY FUCK!!!!!


ADAM WAS ONLINE!!! EITHER THAT OR SOMEONE IS PLAYING A REALLY SICK JOKE.


I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!


and chris, i can't say i believe in heaven or hell, but i promise i'll see you again. i love you. always and forever. (4ever)


your friend,
:(shadow):

recap the last few days
what can i say?

it's the week of the ninth, and i'm doing alright, considering.

friday failed us out. no fun. 10:00. pathetic losers.

saturday: pretty awful. i forgot the tape so i couldn't film. and it wouldn't have mattered anyway because everyone blew us off. so ella and i sat in the basement working on our songs until add kicked in and we left. and i tried to make things happy but failed. and i spilled my rootbeer all over a tree. what a waste of a rootbeer. i fought with my dad. well, i didnt really fight. he just annoyed the crap outa me and i got frustrated and had to take a walk to cool off. i threatened to stab him. he woulda stabbed me right back if it weren't for ella being there. so we made mac and cheese and went for a walk. we chilled at the end of my street being silly (while the rootbeer kicked in, lol) for like two hours. then we went back to my house and basically fell asleep. crazily early. because we're cool like that.

sunday: not a lot. woke up. ella was still there. cleaned my room. went shopping. went to YAC "party" and was bored to death. went home. didnt do any of my homework. went to bed.

monday: started off okay. hated having to drag that bigass camera to school. but then we put it in sally's locker so it was all good. so. chinese was okay. nothing to write home about. there was a bit of that sarah drama, but i hardly heard any of it. prep fucking sucked. ally and crystal talked to whole time, but that's okay cause that's what we're there for. diana had the right idea when she slept through it. i want out of there so badly, but i can't because then they wont talk infront of me during study, cause i wouldnt be in group. so i'm either stuck there, or never going to make friends. not that i want all of them to be my friends. a few of them really bother me. anyways. english sucked, but it always does. i didn't do my essay. but ms. levine surprisingly didnt get mad. she just got in my face and smelled kinda bad. but thats okay, i suppose. i just have to write my essay tonight. so lunch. the worst part of my day. even though monday lunch is supposed to be good, because i have really chill people in it. it sucked because i suck at directing. no one would listen to me and i got really really frustrated and was about to cry by the end. only arielle helped out. so she wins. gene super loses. so does noah. and sean wins because he didnt make me cry. okay. so after lunch. more english. then (dun dun duuuh) earth science with mr. square-head davidson. oh goody. we had a test. i think i bullshitted my way through it. it was kind of hard because we've had 3 different teachers in that class, and we were getting tested on all of the stuff they'd been teaching us. then we took notes. but i failed at that. nothing of any real signifigance. world civ.: nothing. well, i got paired with monique and rich for the newspaper project. which isn;t bad. they're cool. and smart. after school i was going to go into town but i got sally to do a piece for my video. and then i shot with emily outside a bit. and then we were going to put the camera away when we ran into sally again and she was like, i want to do the whole thing over. so we re-did it. then barry and this random girl read a few quotes for me. so it was all good. then we got the idea to go out on the roof and film. so we did. and that took up the afternoon. then we went to stash the camera in sally's gym locker when we ran into this group of people. so we stopped to talk to them. and it was rosie and claudia and barry. and rosie was kinda yelling a bit. so we sat down. and then rosie left and sally followed and claudia barry emily and i were sitting there talking. and there was lots of drama. but emily and i didn't really fit in with it, so we left. then my mom was waiting at barts and it was all AHHHHH camera needs to go back now!!! so we left and took it back. whoopdidoo. then i found out that i was supposed to give it back at 4, and they weren't happy with me. but sally and i stole candy. then i drove sally home. then i got home and made myself a sandwich. and here i am.

i hope tomorrow is good. because the next day is wednesday the ninth of november 2005, one year later. and i have a detention.

add kicks in now. i'm leaving.

always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

p.s don't mock the insane

punk'd premiere
MY BROTHER PUNK'D MISHA BARTON!

could i be prouder?
nope.

not to brag or obbsess or anything.. BUT HOW COOL IS THAT?

okay. you'll all hate me if i keep talking about it. so i wont.

lalala mishabarton lalala

i love my brother.

okay. you all needed to know that.

bye.

always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

lost.

i don't know why.. but i feel the need to return to my old ways.
i feel the need to cry myself to sleep and not even ackowledge how cliche it is.
i feel the need to scream his name and have him hear me for real.
but don't go thinking this is about him.
i'm not that pathetic.
this is more about everything put together.
-homework issues. it's too much and i freeze before i can even begin
-friend issues. how many do i have left?
-home issues. 'nuff said. he scares me.
-ADD issues. too distracted to accomplish anything.
-old issues. how much did i eat today?
-lost forever issues. god i miss them.
-a few towns away issues. i miss you, too.
-halloween issues. please, please make this magic.
-the happiness in my closet issue. not so much an issue. just on my mind.
-health issues. my body is dying. no joke.
and of course
-him issues. i'm so fucking pathetic.

i don't know where to start. and dont even think about saying the 't' word. you know which one i mean. the rapist.

okay. i gotta go cause my mom is coming.

always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

AHH TODAY
can i just say that today was so awful?

okay. i will.
TODAY FUCKING SUCKED.

okay. so. i woke up. and i took a shower. and it was all normal. except that it was so fucking cold. like.. 2 degrees. soo... cold.. and yeah. i made the shower like a million degrees and burned myself.
and then. i was getting dressed and i fell over and was like.. fuck. i can't get up. so i tried to stand up and got all dizzy and fell over again. don't you hate when that happens?
then i finished getting ready because i really wanted to go to school. cause it's friday. and that's supposed to be my happy day. and we got progress reports. and i wanted to go to the bbq and game (yes. i wanted to go to the game). but no. i had to be sick.

and there's that other thing. but i can't really talk about it. but it involves my happy being abducted.

and my dad yelled at me. and made me go clean the bathroom. except that i could hardly move. and hes like I"M NOT KIDDING! GO CLEAN IT UP NOW!!! and so i got up (and fell down and got up again a few times) and walked (stumbled) up the stairs. and there was nothing on the floor. nothing. so i crawled in to the computer room. and i intend to stay here for a long time.

my head hurts.

and life sucks.

go emo.

woot.

always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

last night.
last night was so fucking fun. like, awesome to the max!

i was trying to go to emily's except she was at the mall with julz so i was sitting around sulking. then ella called and she was like "go to the mall with me" and i was like "aren't we fighting? you broke up with me today." and she's like "we dont have enough other friends to fight so come pick me up" so i did. and we went to the mall. and i got the story of the year cd AND ITS FUCKING AWESOME and i got it for a lot less than gene did (hahaha). then we went to target and i got a scarf because i really wanted one. yep. and ella got a few braclets. and we played with hats and it was fun.

then we went to the movies but it was friday night so the line was too long for our short attention spans. so we went to joanns fabric. lol. jonah herscu and his little friends were running around there and it was kinds strange. cause who hangs out in a fabric store? like, seriously. its a cool place though. theres these little plastic grapes and we took all of them off their little plastic vine. and then we chewed on them. then we bought a candle.

and emily called me and julia called ella. and we talked to them and found out that they'd been in the mall at the same time we were but we hadnt seen them. yeah so we talked to them for awhile then emily was like, "come over" so we did.

so we got to emily's and we chilled for awhile doing the normal things. then we decided to er.. torture emily. so we did that for a long time until she was er.. well, wicked horny. ((this sounds really sketchy, but it isnt as sketchy as it sounds. though it is still really sketchy)) yeah then we called benji and i talked to him for a long time and he should have come over but noooo he didnt want to bike 3 miles in the pouring rain

[i interupt this update to bring you a monkey]
......?!
..O(*.*)O
.o=(O)=o
....(( ))
...<><>

and we we're begging him to come over but he just wouldnt. but he knows he wanred to. so after an hour of "no, you hang up first" we left.
and had a lot of fun.

here's to -- ----- -----!!!! wow was it awesome.

yeah so we were kind of hyper crazy

*taps forhead* *falls over backwards*

yeah. anyways.

i don't feel like updating anymore.

always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

FUCK THIS SHIT
just fuck it all..

lily is dead. she didnt live to see her 11th birthday.
fuck this shit.

we let the birds out. they're FUCKING HOMING PIGEONS. they're supposed to come back. they didnt.
fuck this shit.

my mom is crying about the fucking birds. and taking her anger out on me.
fuck this shit.

colin didnt come. again.
fuck this shit.

my arm hurts like a mother fucker.
fuck this shit.

fuck. this. shit.

fuck this shit.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

your friend,
:(shadow):

lily's birthday
happy birthday to you.
happy birthday to you.
happy birthday dear lily.
happy birthday to you.

light a candle to remember.

and don't ever forget her.



it never stops hurting.
i hope heaven is treating her well.

lily wreck
1995-2004


always,
your friend,
:(shadow):

nia doesn't take naps.

Meant To Live

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

[Chorus]
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

[Chorus]

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

-switchfoot


so last night was.. intense.

about two seconds after i made my happy post things just.. fell apart.
yeah. so if i was talking to you and you were having a spazz attack or something of the sort, i apologize because i'm surei wasnt helpful. and i've heard that many of you were not having the best of nights.

yeah. there was just TOO MUCH DRAMA. about things i cant really discuss. yeah.

anyways.

scott caldwell has a secret.

and i just had funy conversation with nia. sort of. i'm going to post it for lack of other thngs to say.

deadloser540 (3:58:12pm): take a nap.
scoffsATgravity (3:58:30pm): no
scoffsATgravity (3:58:34pm): i don't want to
deadloser540 (3:59:13pm): take a nap right now young lady. (im invisioning a kindergarten teacher carying a screaming and kicking child to one of those little mats)
scoffsATgravity (3:59:45pm): i'm imagining you trying to carry me to a mat
scoffsATgravity (3:59:51pm): its not working
scoffsATgravity (4:00:10pm): i pick you up and put you in the trash can
deadloser540 (4:00:36pm): i give you a detention. stupid kid. go to the principals office.
scoffsATgravity (4:01:06pm): no bitch
deadloser540 (4:01:19pm): that's it! i'm calling your mother.
scoffsATgravity (4:01:26pm): i walk out of the building
scoffsATgravity (4:01:36pm): whores i don't need them
deadloser540 (4:02:50pm): you're five. you havent figured out how to look both ways before crossing the street. you walk out and are immediately hit by a bus. you die. now don't you wish you'd just taken that nap?

okay.
so. if you love me, leave me a comment.

your friend,
:(shadow):

iPOD
I LOVE SEAN EDDINGS!
HE IS AN AMAZING AMAZING KID!
REALLY!
and i would say that even if he wasn't letting me use one of his ipods (hopefully until chrismas when i can get my own..). heh.

yep.

okay.

yeah.
no real update. except that benji is about to be amazing. really soon. which makes me happy.

and comment if you think benji is hot. you don't have to tell me who you are. just comment.

and could i be more vague?

probably.

i <3 you. and you don't know who you are.


and. avenue Q weekend.. coming up.. soon. yay!

and. i hate world civ projects. they fry my brain. im not going to have any brain room left for the next 3 years, let alone college. mr. elliot isnt bad, though. he's a nice enough guy. and he's irish.
lol. anyone who had him knows why that's funny.

okay. bye..

your friend,
:(shadow):

p.s sean rocks.

p.p.s :) to ****

bye for real now.

D2

Locked down and alienated, confused and complicated
Now it seems you still have my heart
Shot down and unaccepted
Sometimes i get the feeling everything is tearing out my heart

But im scared of what i'll find
The search for answers just keeps going nowhere
All i know is that its killing me inside
As i raise this final bottle to the sky

Here's to promises that die
Here's to all the nights we said our last goodbyes
As we burned another day off all our lives
Here's to memories that will fade, like the photographs that scream of better days
It's all weighing on my mind

Locked down and alienated, confused and complicated
Now it seems you still have my heart
Now forced to breathe without you
Sometimes i get the feeling everything is tearing out my heart

But im scared of what ill find
The search for answers just keeps going nowhere
All i know is that its killing me inside
As i raise this final bottle to the sky

Here's to promises that die
Here's to all the nights we said our last goodbyes
As we burned another day off all our lives
Here's to memories that will fade, like the photographs that scream of better days
Its all weighing on my mind

But im scared of what ill find
The search for answers just keeps going nowhere
All i know is that its killing me inside
As i raise this final bottle to the sky

Here's to promises that die
Here's to all the nights we said our last goodbyes
As we burned another day off all our lives
Here's to memories that will fade, like the photographs that scream of better days
Its all weighing on my mind, weighing on my mind (my mind)
Weighing on my mind

-Allister

so..
this is yet another overdue update.
yes.

okay. so i really dont want to be writing this because i'm so incredibly stressed out and i could be doing something useful, but i'm not. i'm updating. because i have insane amounts of guilt because, well, this is a boring journal..

yeah. so. wow. last week was... basically horrible... very few people had good week. i know i didn't. everything seemed to go wrong. well, not everything went wrong, but nothing really went right. things with bigelow were like, crazy weird.. and then there's that fucking world civ project. and i couldnt find any information and i was freaking out, which contributed to the problem. because i drove myself crazy freaking out, so i was pretty much too focused on being freaked out to focus on the project. but i guess it worked out cause bridget gave me the book with all the answers and i started breathing again.
Yeah. by thursday i was so stressed and spazzy that i did dumb things. and then, to multiply the idiotic-ness of it all, i decided to go online and talk to people while i was spazzing. and well, you all know me.. i think. and if you havent noticed, i am seriously bad at censoring.. like..really really bad... if i have a thought.. i say it. even if i know i shouldnt. and lemme tell ya.. it get's me into trouble.

so i told somebody something that i should have kept to myself. and now there's more proof of my insanity.

okay. so. this is an update. i dont feel guilty anymore. i'm leaving. bye.

your friend,
:(shadow):

nia nia nia nia nia
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR NIA

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay
yeah


i'm leaving now.

your friend,
:(shadow):