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m&ms487
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2004 4 December :: 10.58am
:: Mood: cold
Happy Birthday to me. I'm seventeen now.
I don't feel much different. Well, maybe a little gray, from all the stage make up that has been applied to my face in the last two days.
If you haven't seen SCROOGE yet, you should go tonight. Last time to see it, folks. It's really a wonderful play, ask anyone that's gone.
Tickets are $7 at the door. Show starts at 7pm. Get there early, word is that tonight is going to sell out.
I'm celebrating my birthday tomorrow, because I have the play tonight, so really, it doesn't seem like my birthday.
I have one more year until I'm 18. That seems really old to me.
Time to leave the past behind, and look for what is in store in the future. My day has been going very good already. My mom bought me a dozen roses. They're beautiful. Tonight after the play Jessie and I are going to get shakes at arby's. Then I have the cast party.
It's been a long week, but the best is finally here, and being with everyone is what has helped me through it.
michelle
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Upchuck
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2004 3 December :: 1.58am
Okay Andy, how does this sound:
Saturday December 4
SKELLETONES
Cold Plymouth, Midnight Radio, I Must Have, Vigilantes.
That's all I've got so far. $3 cover.
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upchuck
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2004 1 December :: 10.37pm
Andy's list of facts have clued me into one important thing about guys like us. Our innoncence is not of our own choosing. If we had a choice, we would most likely wish to be engaged in all levels of debauchery. But some how, some where inside of us is this innate need to be the way we are. And it is annoying as all hell.
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upchuck
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2004 30 November :: 5.14pm
So, now I have this over arching sense that everything is going to be alright. Am I still pissed off? Well, yeah. But it's inside now and not such an issue. Everytime I think about it I don't want to cry. So I guess that's good. Whether she comes back to me or not is something I've thought about, but I really shouldn't. Only time will tell, and that is her perogative. Like I said, I'm still pissed off, but at least I know now that everything will be okay.
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m&ms487
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2004 30 November :: 12.10pm
I am such a selfish bitch.
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m&ms487
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2004 29 November :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: depressed
At play practice I was very hyper. Now I've crashed into oblivion.
Good night.
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upchuck
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2004 29 November :: 7.57pm
The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. She made me the way she doesn't want me to be now. She made me that way. Did I go to church before her? No. I was ready to do just about anything before she came along. And then she came along and encouraged me to be the way I am. And now she says she doesn't want that. Or rather that I can't be in that part of her life because I'm not that kind of person. She doesn't realize that I hate this part of me. I hate the part of me that is scared to ever do anything. To be honest, I can't understand why people do. perfectly normal people talk about it all the time and it doesn't seem to effect them. Why can't I be like that? Why am I internalizing this? I don't know. It's because that is what i do. I have to get this out before I start writing because it really sucks that I feel this way. I still don't know if I could ever take her back after what she said. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
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upchuck
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2004 28 November :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: crying
:: Music: "Tuesday's Gone" Lynyrd Skynyrd
ugh
So, I guess it all did matter, except for the fact that she loved me. Oh how I wished that that were enough. But it wasn't. It wasn't enough for her. Five months, let's pull the handle, flush, there it goes. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that her life turns on a dime like that. I hate that she's classified me in her life like she's somehow superior that she can do that. I hate it. I hugged her and I started crying like I'm crying now. It wasn't enough for her. It's never going to be enough for her.
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m&ms487
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2004 24 November :: 5.08pm
It's snowing outside.
It was a very eventful drive home this afternoon from play practice. I rear ended a guy at 17 mile road and white creek at the stop light, because, well, my car wouldn't stop. Everything is fine now, though. He just looked at his car, nothing happened because i hit him going like 10 miles an hour, and he drove off, and i drove home going 25 miles an hour.
What a wonderful day.
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m&ms487
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2004 22 November :: 12.15pm
:: Mood: blah
I'm sick, and I'm in modern business, and I just typed a paragraph at 109 words per minute.
I want to go to bed.
I should have never done what I did. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. But you know, now that I did, it's not going to matter, and it's just gonna be bad, and god, why am I so stupid? I knew if I just held on for a little while, it would all be fine, and maybe it would be an out, but no. Now theres nothing.
Stupid stupid stupid me.
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m&ms487
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2004 21 November :: 10.09am
:: Mood: curious
{the future of us all}
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a family and be a mother. I know it would be hard, but what is the purpose to all life? To create more life. That is the lasting legacy. Not to mention, getting there is also fun.
Someday I want a house and a family and maybe a cute little dog. Not right now, of course, because i'm still young, I still have a lot of things to do with my life before then, but unlike a year ago, I can picture it all now, and that makes me happy.
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m&ms487
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2004 19 November :: 10.17am
:: Mood: groggy
I'm sick today (I once wrote a poem called that in fifth grade...I'm a freak)
So, I stayed home today, because, lets just say, last night wasn't the most pleasant nights. I have the stomach flu or something of that sorts. It's very, uncomfortable.
I took off all my make up a few minutes ago, and now I look like a little twelve year old. Always fun, is it not?
Today is Rueben and I's 6 months. That seems like a really long time, it's half a year. It's the longest I've ever had a boyfriend. I don't even forsee this relationship being cut short anytime soon, no matter what anyone does, says, etc. I'm a very lucky girl. I think I can sum it all up in one quick equation:
Rueben = Very Good
I'm scheduled to work today, but I'm not sure if I'm going to. It's from 4-8:30. My luck, they'll put me on carts and I'll die. I already feel like I'm going to, so, I mean, what's the difference? And it's out of the question to ask NOT to be put on carts. In fact, if i did ask, then they would probably just put me out there for spite. They're all like that, you know.
We got our chair placements yesterday. I beat out 20 other flutes, and I am first chair. It's crazy how close it all was. I guess I got a perfect score on my sight reading - the best out of the whole band. I really don't understand how that could be, but I must underestimate myself.
Until we meet again.
Michelle
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m&ms487
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2004 17 November :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: calm
ONE thing made me happy today.
The FIRST thing all day.
Thank you, my dear.
but other than that the day sucked, starting at lunch, and ending, well, when i go to sleep.
The serpent never sleeps and is never far from pleasant dreams.
I've learned that by now.
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upchuck
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2004 16 November :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: "Hasta Nagila" (I hope I spelled that right)
Does the rules of the Computer Lab not state "NO CELLPHONES"?
Stupid people.
I reviewed my entries from this time last year, go ahead, look at them. Do the survey. Please!!!!! I am naked!!!!!! No, not really. Not that you'd look anyway.
Look, I'm coming up on that time last year when I fell for her hard. I'm glad I did. I'm glad we have what we have now. Despite the fact that I am turning my head. Despite the fact that I have seen her a whole total sum of 3 hours in the last three weeks. Despite my all encompassing desire to know her. Despite my efforts and my best laid plans (no pun intended). I still love her. The thought of that, for some reason makes me want to cry, it also won't let me type right. Are we better people for this? I'm not sure sometimes, but let's hope so.
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upchuck
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2004 16 November :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: none
none
Have you ever noticed that the word "none" is a combination of "no" and "one" without the extra "o"?
Believer to Believer, one has to wonder sometimes if this are just little tricks being played on us. That when we think things are as they should be, they really are not. When one thinks there is a purpose for a person in your life, and you embrace that, you making a grave mistake. Or maybe God's spectacular plan is just being played with by ignorant and stubborn human beings who are so selfish that they cannot possible comprehend the damage they are doing. Not only in their relationship with Him, but in their relationships with others.
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