i hate life.

so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin.
i'll be alone, but maybe more carefree like a kite that floats so effortlessly.
i was afraid to be alone. now im scared thats how i'd like to be.
all these faces, none the same. how can there be so many personalities?
so many lifeless, empty hands. so many hearts in great demand.
and now my sorrow seems so far away,
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain.
but i turn them off and tuck them away,
till these rainy days that make them stay.
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs.
and the words still ring, once here, now gone.
and they echo through my head everyday.
and i dont think they'll ever go away.
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we cant go back we're on our own.

and i think i'll want to be alone.
so please understand that i dont answer the phone.
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until i can see nothing at all.
only particles, some fast, some slow. all my eyes can see is all i know.

it's amazing how its always overreacting or not reacting at all. being in a crowd and being all alone. having so much to say but no words to say it. keeping secrets from everyone. i don't think itd matter much if i happened to leave. if i smile, its fake. if im alone, then thats how i want to be. can you tell when i'm lying?

and so you'd soon be leaving me alone like i'm supposed to be tonight, tomorrow, and everyday. there's nothing here that you'll miss, i can guarantee you this.

so many things to say but i have no clue about how to say them or if they will actually be significant or not. let's outline the topics i need to cover (blame history and english for this). school, time, danielle, hurricane, insecurities. yess. i think i can do that.

so yeah, school. ok i feel like i can't say anything about school. danielle knows what i mean. lately i think she's really been the only one i truly talk to and the only one who makes me feel better throughout the day. i love all of my friends but everyone is so stressed out and i feel guilty because i can't help them. so i try my best to stay away from people who need to be alone with themselves because i dont wanna be all like "yeah i have 3 b's right now, i'm gonna die." because i know that they most likely have it worse. i'll just try to do my best to keep my mouth shut. i don't know how i'll do this quarter, really. i don't know if i can make straight a's. (yeah i know, dont even say anything) but i mean, i'm trying my hardest to remain hopeful and faithful so as not to crumble before i know the outcome. we shall see. maybe my parents will even be lenient. wow.

time. THERE'S NO TIME anymore. there's always something to do, somewhere to go, something to STUDY. i swear, it's freaking crazy. i don't know how some girls multitask so effectively. icc, snhs, art club, homecoming hallway decorations (mostly done by only yours truly because of this hurricane), nhs. is that it? i think so. i really am hoping to uhh be president of nhs. i signed up for... four committees? afterschool when kassie was helping me bring stuff to the car, she was all like "christina, you're really involved, you should run for office of something" and i told her about my nhs aspirations and she's all like "wow yeah that sounds awesome, you should totally do it, you should talk to kyle now." it was nice to hear someone who doesnt know me at all to encourage me. shrug.

danielle is possibly the most awesome person in the world. spending time with her makes both of us feel like sooo much better you have no idea. like it doesnt even freaking matter how long its been since we've spent time together, we can always find each other again. like yesterday, hanging out with her and then her staying for dinner and some good talks in the car. and then today like driving her car, getting mcdonalds, and lying in bed together. and she just makes me smile. then being with my funny parents and going to superwalmart and then seeing a nice movie... wimbledon. like its a really good end of the week.

can you believe this jeanne thing? it seriously pisses me off. i have sooo much work to do i can't even contemplate it. lets list it cause i have nothing better to do. study for FR of chem test, buncha calc problems, spanish hw, misc. english work, history reading/studying, 12 pages in the art journal. pppplus all the hall decorations i have to make in numerous quantities (such as stars, a marquee, movie posters, etc.). soooo yeah i got stuff to do. dunno where to start exactly. if i can get through it all... call me superwoman. sigh ...

im too tired to even outline my insecurities. lets just leave it to the future, when i'm sure i'll even have more to say.

i still feel alone in my heart. don't you?

tears falling down my face for reasons no one could guess why.

its so fucked up and i remember when tears were from a broken heart, not a fucking broken spirit and loss of faith in love. what the hell have i become? i know you dont understand what im talking about. its just so lonely trying to pretend like i actually feel passion and love when im just trying to fool myself. i dont trust people anymore

and you don't wanna look much closer cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed

dude crying is like... ugh. i dont know WHY i'm freaking crying. its not right. am i lonely, am i tired, am i frustrated? idk what the hell i am. i want for someone to just hold me for like hours but im too scared to ask my parents to take me down to boca when we're going north to eat dinner and probably see a movie. sniff. i dont know.

live just gets to ya sometimes.

=*(

i cry get upset for absolutely the weirdest things.

or for nothing at all!
mothereffing heart isnt functioning right.

sometimes i wonder
if people can see the welling in my eyes
if they can sense the tenseness in my face
if they know how much i want to go away
if they feel me drifting far off into myself
if they can hear my heart as it falls to the ground
if they know how much i love/miss them

i wonder what could happen if i could just end it all ? is there a place called heaven, or would i just go be reincarnated and start hell on earth all over again, but this time even worse? my life is great, ya know? it really is. i just don't feel great. so many times in the day i feel more like an outsider than i have in all of high school. you think that wouldnt happen since it's junior year, but its true. i don't see my friends, and when i do, i can't truly enjoy my time with them. the only thing i look forward to during the day is going home with danielle. if not for that, i'd be sobbing into greta's shoulder everyday. but that doesnt sound too bad every now and then either. it's simply asinine and unnecessary for me to put myself down and feel like crap all the time. but i dont know. i cant help it.

just forget everything that i said and wash out the wounds.

sometimes i really can't stand being me. being in this body, having this mind, trying to control this heart. i go from one end of the spectrum of emotion to the very opposite end. and i know i can't change it and i know it's what brings me to my demise at the end of each day. but what am i supposed to do? half the time i'm praised for being such a great girl, for being charming and lovely and sexy and attractive and intelligent and hardworking. but then the other half counteracts it. its usually from myself and then my parents and usually its unspoken. i need to work harder, i need to look better, i need to fix myself, i need to control myself. i know that you know exactly what i'm talking about. how it feels when you feel like you shouldnt be wasting the oxygen. we all get like this. but how do we rise from it? sometimes i forget. sometimes i dig myself so deep into my insecurities and fears that i can't do anything but hide in this hole from the world because sometimes i believe it'd be better off without my stupid complaints. i know that that's not true. my personalities conflict with each other a lot. there's the christina that actually loves herself and knows others love her even more. and then theres the one hiding inside who just wants to be someone else, anyone else, to know what it feels like not to be ashamed to be who you are. ok i'm truly rambling right now. but woohu readers wont mind because there aren't many. but ya know. i dont know what else to say. i think i'm done. the thought comes into my head "i wonder what my mom will say about how i look on my wedding day" and then a tear falls down my face. i'm sure you all have similar insecurities. just thought i'd share a little of mine right now. not that i havent before. forget i said anything.

stood there and stared at the grief in my eyes.
leave it to me to live out a lie.
so i sat on the curb and i cried like a child.
catching my breath, just walked for a while.
and i thought... what could go wrong?
i'm already gone. don't say a word. i can't hear you.
don't hold me close. i can't feel you.

i changed my woohu layout. it doesnt please me so much. =\ i need better programs pleeeeease. i think my lj is better. i shall never stop trying though.

i give up. i'll just sleep now.

=*(

these are my confessions.
wow, havent posted in so long.

summer school is like almost over. sort of bitter sweet. this friday i have to clean the house majorly for anne (my moms best friend)+ her family are staying at our house. friday night is steph wu's birthday dinner party. still have to get a card/present.

but anyways. what was i getting to... i think the purpose to this entry in my woohu to get out the way i feel lately. only like in the past few days. i haven't gotten an email reply from altan since last friday, and feels like forever since then. i take naps after school very often so i dont just sit there and start thinking about how empty i feel right now. without any of his words, the love slowly fades. yeah thats not supposed to happen. thoughts dont hold up much lately though. especially when i'm surrounded by such sweet boys in school. i swear, i have mini crushes on every guy friend i have. like... is that wrong? its definitely wrong. definitely definitely wrong. i dont like leading on people, but it seems like it just happens naturally. i dont know. i need therapy.

i was reading the notebook last night before i went to bed and i read until they finally gave in to each other and made love again. then i set down the book, turned off the light and cried one tear before i fell asleep. i always go to bed hoping that in the dream world, something i want to happen will happen. but nothing really exciting happens. i just remember one dream, it was the first day of junior year. and altan was in the class but i wasnt aware. and then he walks up to me and hands me this long (like 2 pages) note and he just holds my hand. weird thing was, it wasnt altan, it was some kid i knew from middle school. very weird. but ... i dunno.

i dont know anything.
someone please hug me and never let go.

dammit where the hell is danielle when i need her. oh yeah. nc. frickin family and frickin vacation. i need her HERE.

BiGmAc daDdy y13: u know what i have noticed about u
FallenNGAngel: what
BiGmAc daDdy y13: u have three guys wraped around ur fingers and u have no idea what to do about it
BiGmAc daDdy y13: its great

excerpt from altan's most recent email.
i miss you a lot. today he took me to a cafe on top of this mountain that over looked the city. it was beautiful. i wish you could be here with me. i wanted to hold you and watch the sun set with you. i miss you terribly. i love you so much, i think of you day and night.

nothing to do
another day passed by with nothing done except food eaten. thoughts thought. wishes wished. and music listened. eyes closed.

i should do some strumming.


my new favorite song. it makes me wanna go to california. or somewhere. to fall in love.

the best way i can extend the lonely words, i miss you.
i'll say it, but i'm sure you knew.
you're what i look most forward to, coming back to where i've been.
i'll just leave it at this.

i'm sure you always feel my eyes on you,
but i hope that you will never feel unwanted.
if you feel unwanted, wait for me to move out west.
it's ok if you don't. i hope you know you're my favorite thing about the west coast.
i wish i stayed, i hope you wait. so here i am...
counting down the days till california comes.