1. you feel so alone because you have no one to call your own. and you can't even recognize the face you dream about. there doesn't seem to be a reason to wake up in the morning because there's an emptiness in your heart and you can't understand why everyone else in the world can at least find someone to crush on whereas you don't know where the heck your heart is.
2. you don't know why the world is the way it is. deep down you know you love someone, but you watch them continue to live life without thinking of you. and it hurts more than anything to know that they don't care. and still you maintain to beat yourself up about not being good enough for him. not being good enough for yourself.
3. finally in love, and they love you back in exactly the same way. and you feel like there's something burning inside of you because days aren't the same without this person. you miss him when he's not there. and when he is there, you miss him because you know he'll eventually leave.

so i've definitely been in all three scenarios, and i really don't know which one hurts the most. because all three end up in crying yourself to sleep for lack of companionship. i cried because of two movies yesterday. yeah, i'm a freak. first, i watched now and then. that movie generally makes me cry like every other time i see it. when teeny is trying to save sam... yeah that makes me tear up. then i watched some of father of the bride. (no, that didnt make me cry)

eventually went to movie theatre where there was a horrible chain of events. i mean, first it was crowded like whoa. feeling claustrophobic, anyone? then the lines were SO long. the notebook was sold out. there was no more sprite in the machines for my mom. (yeah it amazes me too) and then stepword wives was muy crowded and i spilt the coke on myself (damn purse). that was just like so not cool. but it was an entertaining movie. if we had seen the notebook, i guarantee that i would have cried. i'm just watching the trailer over and over again. (which i do for a lot of movies.)

came home. watched bridget jone's diary. i haven't seen that movie since it came out on dvd. its very... interesting. it makes you feel ok for being lonely but then at the end, you feel lonelier cuz even bridget got her man. and thats when i cried. at the end. when they kissed in the snow. i dont know how i got so emotional. but seeing them kiss and him putting his coat around her. it made me miss altan. a lot. like a lot. a lot. yeah i'm crazy for loving him so crazily. but. its something i can't control. and i cried before i went to sleep. because i was just thinking about memories. like being able to share the warmth inside your body with someone else in an embrace. and being able to feel his hand in yours. and laughing and smiling and being happy. i'm not saying that i'm not happy now, but ya know. something missing.

shrug.

no one to talk to... where is everyone? don't tell me EVERYone went to go see the darkness. hmmph. guess i'll just be with myself tonight. or i'll cross my fingers.

always nothing more to say.

tonight i'd rather be in love. i'd rather it was you flowing through my blood, scraping through my veins, my everything. and you cling to every thread that clings to me. i live in notes and photographs and everything i'm holding back, but you're the words that weren't enough. you remind me of a song i used to love.

i need the recovery room
sigh. days are a lot different when you get the right amount of sleep. all school days should be like this, dont you think? today i took english and art exams. they were alright. tomorrow is spanish and precal. should study. but havent started. procrastinating majorly. oh well. <3 hmmm. i feel like i need to do a project right now. i have the perfect one in mind. but anyways.... yeah i'm happy. not THAT excited about summer, but its definitely a step up from school. however my parents are very... frustrating sometimes. they won't let me have a car.... wont let me even drive alone... so whats the point of having my license? there really is none. stupid stupid. so i have to have a babysitter wherever i go or be taken by someone else. isnt that great? ugh. they trust other kids to drive me alone but they dont trust me to drive alone? and insurance costs too much. understandable reasons i guess. im still pissed though. will i end up being the only one who can't drive? grrrrrrrrrr. sigh. anyways. yeah. cant wait for it all the be over.

i love this song so much, i'm almost angry/regretful that i'm not angry and depressed.


she stood there in her summer dress
wind caught her hair and failed to confess
i smiled as we raced through the night
my hand caught her wings then nothing felt right

i know that i left you for dead
don't give up so soon
because you know that we all have a bed
it's waiting for you in the recovery room

just forget everything that i said
washed out the wounds, walls painted red
waiting for you in the recovery room

i love NOT having homework. it's such a new experience. sigh. today in spanish i told branden, this freshman who sits in front of me, how his life is going to change next year. he wasn't as restless as he usually is, and he said he felt weird so i told him that he's growing up. and i told him to be ready for a sophomore year full of being tired and depressed. i think it's just a rite of passage for us PIBs. then he said ok next year tell me how being a junior is. and i said, ok if i have the time. i think we might all just become so immune to depression because we'll be so busy doing things. fun, right? yeah.

the future holds so much in store. this weekend is ashley's weekend and my guitar recital. then next weekend i'm leaving to go to houston rafter school. i will be so cleansed in houston. seeing my aunts, my cousins, experiencing the idea of NOT worrying and stressing out. like i can just sit on the plane and listen to music. and no homework to do. i just can't imagine how happy i will be to get away, even for just a weekend. i will miss people. but i need it.

mmm.. i think i like this guy's music. im not exactly sure yet.

i'm waiting up for you to rescue me to come around and cover everything.
relying on my best memories. to breathe for me, breath for me...
so much better than all this, all of this.
tired of singing all the sad songs in my head.
but i can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said.

and i can still smell summer in your skin.
and i can still remember giving in.
wrapped all up in your hips and in your sheets.
it felt great, falling, falling...

i feel so faded, so far gone. nothing surprises me anymore...

and sometimes i find i catch myself letting you back in.

i can't say why. scared for my thoughts. scared that what i feel is true. or maybe i'm just dragging myself down again. i just want so badly to run away and be alone because i can't stand this.


but this seems a little bit too hard.
and all the questions come running through my mind.
will i see this another way?
the simple truth is i'm falling down
and i don't want to drag you through the bottom.
and there she says

sit in front of me. turn around, you'll see.
i'm everything you want, all you'd ever need.
come back into my world. you know i'm always yours.

and she makes so much sense.
when she says

don't throw this away.

it's hard to know what's real when it all seems wrong.

ever get that feeling...

that you know you miss something, but you can't explain why or how? you realize that you still need it. you realize that life is different without it. you finally want it again. and you don't want to recognize it, but you know it's there. and that it's too late to ever get it back. yeah.

i only write about bad days and bad feelings, because that's usually the only time i need to vent in my journal because i'm tired of venting directly to all my friends. its a lot easier to just talk to myself than try to bring up my personal problems in everyday conversation. no one has to read it... it's just me being my moody self. k? yeah.

it's over. it's all all over. thank the lord. and i feel sooooooooooo much better. greta's dad is very generous. greta's sister is funny. i love greta. thanks for a nice winding down.

<3
sigh. great times from here on out.

can i just go to sleep and never wake up? goddamn i feel like i'm being crushed with metal plates... physically AND mentally. it hurts so much, and i feel so tired i just wanna lie in bed and be a vegetable. walking home, i felt like i was gonna collapse in the hot hot sun.

why cant we just do this shit without studying. i need rest and relaxation but noooooooo.

mmph. i hope these feelings go away for friday.

i don't know what is wrong with me. i feel like such a wimp. like i'm so weak. and i can't ... idk. i'm like sick of myself a lot. i feel like none of my work is paying off lately. what is bothering me? three things i can mention...

losing my beloved internship. all these teachers congratulating me. having to tell them all that i'm not taking it. a billion people offering to drive me, to find a way for me to get there, and i just had to decline. and it's done for now. but i'm still reminded of how much i wanted to do it. and instead i'll be going back to hell for a semester in summer. hopefully, the company there will make me happy.

feeling incompetent. govt is making me so stressed and so worried. and precal intimidates me a bit too. i feel like the more i study for govt, the more confused i get. however this weekend, i am truly devoting time to studying. either it'll help tremendously or do absolutely nothing. i'll be home all alone, while my family is having fun in orlando. yep. christina grounded herself. when i can't understand things, i get really upset.

my dwindling self-confidence. regardless of how much i know everyone loves me and regardless of the fact that i know i try the best i can, my self-image is just cracking and falling apart. like shards of a mirror, it seems impossible to put back together in order to make the right reflection. i wake up in the morning, trying to get ready. nothing looks good on me anymore. nothing i try on in the mall looks good on me. my own therapy makes me feel like shit now. =*( ... it's really hard to keep lookign at myself. cuz i hate what i see. and i feel like there's nothing i can do about it. i cant go all anorexic. i dont have time or motivation to exercise. maybe this summer i'll learn to love myself again.

or maybe it's all just in my head. and i'm just having a mood swing.

fucking chemical imbalances.

and then there's other things i dont care to mention.

i get so angry sometimes. i have this attitude and i have no idea why. i'm like back talking to my mom and brother and i feel like crying. because they're not even being mean to me, i'm just being irritable. and nothing hurts more than when you hate yourself. and i feel that a lot today. amongst other things.


the simple truth is i'm falling, falling down.
and i don't wanna drag you through the
bottom. then you say "sit in front of me,
turn around you'll see, i'm all you'd ever
want, all you'd ever need, come back into
my world. you know i'm always yours."
and you make so much sense when you
say "don't throw this away."
it's hard to know whats real when it all
seems wrong. but i promise you i'll find
outwhat's going on. i just need to follow
the sun before i know if i'll see this
another way. the simple truth is i'm falling,
falling down. and i don't wanna drag you
through the bottom.
please forgive me now.

the rain. i want to walk in it. but i'm so afraid that if i leave the house, i'll never come back. and i can't stand the feeling of being sick of life. it's just not right. my life is good. the norton is hiring me for the summer internship, i need to work out the hours though with my parents since i dont have a car. congrats to tina. so how come she's not smiling? because the mood is swinging back and forth and i'm getting so dizzy from it all. literally. headache.

sigh. this song brings me back to those pop days when songs about love were happy and hopeful. and they gave us the ideal of falling in love so easily, with the person who will always make us happy. but that won't happen til marriage (hopefully) right? shrug. i love emo heartbreak songs though. however, they just get me down. but i'm good. =)

my brother came home yesterday. it's like a breath of fresh air for me to finally have a friend at home now. we did all that nice brother and sister stuff. we all went out to dinner, an expensive one, and then my brother and i saw kill bill vol.2. i must get that movie on dvd. plus win a date with tad hamilton, peter pan, and chasing liberty.

yesterday was a pretty boring day at school. nothing happened and it didnt even feel like a friday. shrug. i got a B on my precal test. that was expected though. i'm gonna work my ass off for the last one. and i'm aiming for higher than a 95 to redeem myself from the disappointment of this one. i still have a 92 in the class, but it makes me feel so bad because i've never gotten a B on a precal test til now. shrug. every other class, i believe i am safe.

where is everyone this morning? out? asleep? idk. i'm planning on going to sunfest today. with the family... awww. yeah and hopefully adam will accompany me (maybe my mom too, but adam wont mind that) in listening to gavin and michelle. i doubt he'll like the music, but he's like my brother so hey why not.

all the yearbooks have gotten me into reminiscing about this year. it feels like so much has happened, but it's gone by so fast. i still don't feel like a sophomore. i'm 5 months away from 17! can you believe that? i can't. i've built so many friendships this year and many of them, i can't live without. every friendship has gotten stronger. there's a couple people i don't talk to much anymore and that i miss, but i still care about them. this year... i just need to say to some certain people that i appreciate them getting to know me, caring about me, and loving me. and DONT feel bad if i've left you out. because i only have so much time and you know i love everybody. cuz thats who i am.

danielle - you always come back to me. no matter how many new friends i get and no matter how far away you feel, you'll always be my number 1. i've said it before, and i'll say it again, that i never knew what a best friend was until freshman year. i have told you just about everything i ever could about certain things and people *ahem*. all the memories, all the moments with my family, all the laughing, and all the crying. it's all with you. and you're the memory i'll always cherish the most about high school and from now on. cuz i'll never let you leave my life. what would i do with you?.... DIE. *it's hard to say what it is i see and you wonder if i'll always be with you. words can't say it. i can't do enough to prove it's all for you.*

ari - you are so cute and so unique and you always make me smile just because you smile. last year, i only knew your name. but this year we got know each other's hearts. i'm glad i can trust you. our friendship will only get stronger from here on out. if ever you need to talk about a broken heart, the emptiness inside, or old pop songs. i'm here. for anything. everything. <3

christine - whoa. how could i have ever guessed that this girl had such a beautiful soul? i had no idea that we could connect so much. in our emotional ways, and in the ways them boys treated us. you'll always be able to bitch about anything to me. and i hope it stays that way. i'll always be up for late night talks on your roof. you truly amaze me. in your kindness and in your ability to care about my feelings. and i care about you. a whole damn lot.

greta - god. i feel really bad about always telling you my problems. and you never can tell me about yours. sniff. this year... after valerie left, my mornings and afternoons belonged to you. they still do. and i'm very thankful for that and i'm very thankful that i know i can always tell you. and you'll always remind me why life is good and why i put up with this world. thank you for keeping me from wanting to hurt myself. thank you for loving me. i love you.

vanessa u - i miss you bunches. thank you for that IM about my yearbook picture. it made me smile. and i miss being able to hug you and talk to you about life. i.... i'm just so sorry that our friendship has gone to this. i'm sure we can fix it. but seriously. if you think no one in this world cares, you gotta know that i do. i'm by your side in spirit.

rich - there's no words for how you've supported me. being with you makes me feel safe. and i know that you care about me more than any one of the males in this world. don't think that i don't recognize that. i only wish we could spend more time together. thank you, thank you, thank you for being my angel. and calling me. and poking. and towering over me. =)

lizzy - our friendship kinda fluctuates based on whether we're really busy, dont you think? but i love your randomness and your nonstop smiling. you always seem to want to take care of me. the concerts. you and kat planning that whole outing in boca for me. and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. hee hee. i'll always be in the crowd cheering you on. you're my favorite.

katherine - hmmm. what to say. idk if you'll read this or not because you dont really update your journals. but ... i feel like you're my little sister. my little sister who happens to be smarter than me. trust me, i'm jealous! but... i understand. and i know you have a lot of pressure put on you and people alienate you a lot. i never want to make you feel any less amazing than i know you are. hugs help. and hopefully so can i in the future. you music freak.

ashley - last but never least. there's.... there's like no words. and you're leaving us. =*) i'm so disappointed that you're going. but i'm so happy for you because you'll finally be able to run away from all of this. and we all wish we were you. sometimes you help me without even knowing it. i feel like there's just so many little things that make me smile. meeting you is the only memory of the first day of school i still have. bitching about people. bitching about school. walking together everywhere. rockin out. the something corporate concert.... it was all you, darling. and when you miss south florida, think of that moment. *you can be my punk rock princess!!* and you are the punk rock princess. how do you do it? you're fucking awesome. and you fucking rock. and i will play at your club. and i will be at your wedding, if you can find the guy! there's just not enough i can say to you to tell you how much i fucking LOVE you. sigh. the head nod. haha. anyways. i'll save more sentimentality for the end of school. til then. thank you for the love songs.

sigh. more to come... just give me your yearbooks! and give me time.

yeah, i obsess.
first time i've ever left a question blank on a math test.
and i studied. i studied. i studied. i studied. i really did.

isn't that supposed to mean something?

=*(

i feel like i've fallen. and i can't even imagine ... i hope it works out. sniff.

it's not that we're scared. it's just that it's delicate.
so why do you fill my sorrow with the words you borrow
from the only place you've known?
and why do you sing hallelujah, if it means nothing to you?
why do you sing with me at all?

we might live like never before when there's nothing to give.
well how can we ask for more?
we might make love in some sacred place.
the look on your face is delicate.

it's my turn.
watching disney movie, "ring of endless light". i guess mischa barton was always good at getting mad at the boys she likes. i see why she was casted for OC. she's great at being emotional. this movie even makes me cry too.

so that part when she and that guy were on the beach, dancing, and they kissed. and then later, she went inside and said "... wow."

yeah... i.
i miss that feeling.

i have nothing to do today. my parents are going to some friends party and i am left home alone with leftover chinese and no one to talk to. oh well. i could start on long-term homework. but will i?... not unless i'm SO bored that i can't stand it.

i wish i knew that someone felt about me like how the lyrics in this song are.

she's got a way about her.
don't know what it is, but i know that i can't live without her.
she's got a way of pleasing.
don't know what it is, but there doesnt have to be a reason anyway.
she's got a smile that heals me,
i don't know what it is, but i have to laugh when she reveals me.
she's got a way of talking,
don't know what it is, but it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere.
she comes to me when i'm feeling down, inspires me.
without a sound, she touches me, and i get turned around.
she's got a way of showing me,
how i make her feel and i find the strength to keep on going.
she's got a light around her,
and everywhere she goes a million rings of love surround her everywhere.
she comes to me when i'm feeling down, inspires me.
without a sound, she touches me, i get turned around.
she's got a smile that heals me,
i don't know what it is, but i have to laugh when she reveals me.
she's got a way about her, don't know what it is.
but i know that i can't live without her.

just doing the daily past time
=*(

i'm sooo tired and i'm so fucking pissed. and crying. and i feel like shit because i wanted sleep but every single time i was going to fall asleep, my mom calls me to go downstairs and do something.

it was a nice day with adam and danielle though. they make me smile a lot.

i'm soooo... it hurts so much. the tears just wont stop running down my face because my eyes and body are so tired.

tripping. hyperventilating.

i don't wanna be here in the future.
i don't wanna look much closer.
all this hope i sent into the sky had crashed.