SOMNAMBULANT RAMBLINGS

SOMNAMBULANT RAMBLINGS

:: 2007 3 November :: 4.23 am
:: Music: kevin and jessica

i think i'm a good person.

it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.

i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:

My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?

--------

all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.

it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.

fucking A.

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:: 2007 1 November :: 3.10 am

as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.

and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.

puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.

it's bullshit, i'm telling you.

and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.

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:: 2007 31 October :: 2.17 am

i carved a pumpkin tonight. it turned out well.

i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.

and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.

now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.

i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.

i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.

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:: 2007 30 October :: 5.41 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Cake

Paper

Wood pulp; sometimes I despise you.

Now how the hell do I finish it? Dammit. Maybe after a couple hours of sleep this will fix itself.

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:: 2007 26 October :: 2.17 am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection

we could make sweet music together...

i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.

i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.

interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.

but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.

'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.

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:: 2007 25 October :: 2.25 am

it's cold outside. and now my nipples are tender. i guess that's what i get.

maybe tomorrow i'll just go topless.

this deodorant smells awful.

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:: 2007 25 October :: 1.03 am

retrospective

"maybe i just don't want a relationship at all. i like being single and flirting with everyone. i don't know... when ever i start to get close to some one it is ok at first and i am all for it and then they start doing things that just freak me out. and then i run away. hmmm.... i need to find someone perfect for me, my personality needs to match their's, i can't be in a relationship where i feel like there is so much that i just can't live up to. why is it so hard for me to meet people i am actually attracted to. this sucks. i feel like i need to have someone, but i just don't want anyone i know. i need to meet someone new. which is hard. i'll try."

at least she's always known what she needs.

i have no idea what i need. or what i want. or what i have.

i'm a menace to society and myself.

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:: 2007 22 October :: 12.34 pm
:: Mood: not good

it's funny how quickly things change sometimes.

it's not funny how slowly i adapt to them. because just about the time i get settled in (if at all), it changes again anyway, and i'm just that much less interested in attempting to change for the next time.

funnier yet is how even when i don't feel like trying, i wind up changing anyway. it just seems like it should be more advertent and thought out.

this all adds up to me being listless and worthless, and me feeling all the emotions appropriate to those qualifications.

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:: 2007 21 October :: 5.39 pm
:: Mood: whelmed
:: Music: Extreme - Cupid's Dead

:: Romance Novel ::

Night is the time for deep conversations.
Staving off sleep for the value of a moment.
The haze tries to convince you to forget by morning.
Subduing it, you rise to face the afternoon, believing yourself a poet.