【 Squallet's Sanctuary 】

:: 2006 7 January :: 9.29am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Funker Vogt [All Albums; on Random]

C�mpulsi�ns.
Funker Vogt - Compulsions:

"The dreams still come and go
Lying wounded on a beach
With shrapnel in my leg
My only weapon is a knife

And there is this golden fluid
A bag full of tiny bottles
It�s a promise for relief
The key for my survival

So I feel, yes I feel the need
To lock myself up in a room
Squirt some morphine into my veins
To leave this cruel world for a while

And when I close my eyes
I find myself somewhere else
In a world built on illusions
Where compulsions are expelled

Out of a need I had to use it
Although I never thought I would
And before I was aware
This need was present every day

A golden mirror for my soul
Will be injected through a syringe
Slowly creeping up my vein
To hit the center of myself "

:: 2006 5 January :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Norther - Last Breath

Revelations?
I need to stop posting song lyrics... but I can't help it. I keep finding songs that fit not only some into my moods, but... just more that fit into other peoples moods. And I feel the need to post them. XD I'm weird...

Not much going on. I was really excited about the new leather collar I got today. No, nothing fancy, just a normal leath dog's collar. It's comfy and I like it. I was bouncing around like a happy puppy... y'know how some dogs love having their collars put on... heh....

's bout it....

:: 2006 5 January :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Norther - Nothing

Lyrics Kill Me
Lyrics for Norther's song "Nothing" --

Every day the pain comes back again
The grief that tightens it's grip, day by day
Loneliness it haunts me, makes me cry
Feels like the world has abandoned me
I'm weak, I'm nothing, just a shadow of my life
My heart is dead and still I dream of you
Don't you understand you're the reason for my pain

I hear you calling me to come
There's no-on I can see
Just the nights cold breeze
Oh god I'm so alone, so alone

I fear the darkness that makes me blind
There's nothing I can feel
These tears are nothing without you
I'm nothing without you

Can you see my heart, broken like my life
Nothing to hold on, nothing to live for
This pain is too much for me to take
Holding on to you was like holding on to nothing

My trust for you tore me apart
I gave all for you from my heart

:: 2006 5 January :: 1.50am
:: Music: ben kweller

gunnie, you sick fuck!

I LIKE IT!

:: 2006 4 January :: 10.16am
:: Music: Soil - Unreal

Soil-(ed)
Another pointless... maybe... not so pointless update. Eh. I need to get more Soil. Jeff needs to stop by so I can copy some of his CDs to my computer. Heh... yeah... uh... shit. Here's some Soil lyrics of the songs I have. Because. I like them. So STFU 'n read 'em.

---

/Inside/ :
"Take your time take all your time baby
C'mon
Take your time take it anytime
Raise the line raise the line everytime
C'mon
Raise the line
Raise it above my mind
Everything that stains me and breaks me
It's just a gut reaction trapped in this aggressive action

I: Rise:

Everything is right here color me unsold
Everything is right here inside

Take the pain wash it all away baby
C'mon
Take the pain rip it all away
Take my hand take it anytime friend
C'mon
Take my hand take it anytime
Just like the king's men's nightmare
So low gotta see me to feel me
It's just a gut reaction
Trapped in this aggressive action

Everytime I give up something
I end up with less than mine
Turn around and see what's given
It's still less than"

/Need To Feel/:
"Tell me what you want to be, and don't hide it from me
Tell me where you want to be, and I'll take you there
Tell me how you want to feel, don't keep it from me
Tell me how it outta be through more than a stare
Show me what you wanna be, don't hide it from me
Show me where you wanna be, and I'll take you there
Show me how you want to feel, don't keep it from me
Show me how it outta be through more than a stare

I just want to see you
And I just want to hear you
And I just need to feel you
So stand up

Tell me who you are
Tell me where you want to be
Tell me how you feel
Show me how it outta be
Take a little piece of me and hang it from the right tree
Share a little piece of me and I'll keep you as a part of me

You are my all
You are my everything

Who are you, you're my everything"

/Breaking Me Down/:
"LET IT GO
How far will a falling star take me
How far can I go can I go
Gotta be what the nightmare made me
Gotta be gotta be what I see
Jump clear of the falling parts from me
How far will they go will they go
Can't give what you need from me baby
Just let it go

Bringing me down break me down sweet sugar
Bringing me down break me down
Breaking me down to the ground sweet baby
Breaking me down to the ground

Too much is made of what's in me
Not enough about how I strive
Keep an eye on your world it's cheating
Keep an eye keep an eye on me
Deep inside there's a little place for me
A little place for me
Can't give what you want from me baby
Just leave it be

Sweet razor wound
Deep down slice my groove
Sweet razor wound
Deep down C'mon and slice it

How far did the falling star take me
How far did it go did it go
Had to be what the nightmare made me
Fuck,..Just had to be
Jump clear of the falling parts form me
How far did they go did they go
Can't give what you want from me baby
Hell,..Just let it go"

/Halo/:
"I'm the man,I'm the king,I'm the one
That's pure inside
Everyday,everyway I smell of suicide
Bitter sins how they grow within
So you tell me it ain't right
I AM...ALL SINS
And you're my reason for life

I will stone you,stone you
Wrap my arms around you
I will stone you,stone you
My little HALO

I'm the man,I'm the king,I'm the one
That's broken from giving
Everday,everyway I swear just one last try
Killing me with the death to be
Something that's so right
I AM...ALL SINS
My hands are scarred with time

Feel through my eyes

I'm the man with the rock in his hand,got
the rock in my hand gonna stone you stone you

Make a change,gotta rearrange
Idle minds,crushing time
I AM...ALL SINS
And you're the reason for life"

/Unreal/:
"Sit back bare your cross to me
Oh won't I listen
God damn have I burned my hands
On what's been missing
I feel,.. Unreal everytime I try and stop to feel
Pick me up my friend
Let me start again

You fucked with me
Behind this garden
Don't fuck with me

Long before I could even see
You're what was missing
Twisting deep inside of me
Forever missing the glistening
I feel,.. Unreal
Everytime I try and stop to feel
Pick me up my friend
Hold closed your hand

Can you see all the clear skin in front of me
Can you see can you see what you wanna see
Can you see there's a little spot of light in me
Can you see can you tell I'm fuct

Bleeding emotions
Bleed emotions

Sat back gave your soul to me
But did I listen
God damn did I burn my hands
On what was missing, the glistening
I feel,.. Unreal
Everytime I try and stop to feel
Pick me up my friend
Hold closed my hand

You fucked with me
Behind this garden
You fucked with me
Within this garden
Don't you fuck with me"

:: 2006 4 January :: 1.39am
:: Mood: wanting to be sleepy. but it weren't.
:: Music: dav brubeck

went to the hookah lounge again tonight. hung out with rob. probably go up there tomorrow and play for awhile. i'm super excited about that.

winter camping thurs/fri/sat

move in sunday. class monday.

this is happening so fast. but since i know i'm not going to be ready, i'll simply prepare for my unpreparedness... which requires a surprising amount of advance preparation.

i watched the road runner dvd today. that was good. bugs bunny will be a good one too, i'm sure. i'd like to see marvin the martian and "hossenfeffer" and all those old things. it was fun to see speedy. and like i said, coyote today. and foghorn leghorn. and pep�. oh, so good.

maybe i'll remember to bring the lappy tomorrow or something. i have to get a bunch of stuff i've forgotten at kevin's. my blanket, sweater, cell phone, bag of candy, shock mount, etc.

i'm such a doof.

NOW GET TIRED, DAMN IT!

g'night.

:: 2006 2 January :: 11.29pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: that buddy rich tribute...

teh '06

well, as in a birthday, the new year doesn't feel any different. i mean, there are phases and horizons and beginnings and endings all the time. and no calendar can dictate when and where and why, as far as i'm concerned. but still, i'm looking forward to experiencing new things, and many of them are bound to happen at some point during 2006. but i have no idea what they are, who they involve, or precisely when they will happen. but i suppose that's the fun of it.

spent the weekend at kevin's. that was a blast, but i got kinda pissed at his dad. i'll try not to take it personally. i half-installed his cd-spieler, which i'd rate around 90% complete, but he's happy and that's what counts. and honestly, it was a fairly clean install... just not complete. i'm definitely getting better at it, slowly but surely. and the wiring junk was fun. dad said it sounded like he had factory "premium sound", hence all the bullshit. but the 6disc changer i'm half certain was aftermarket. it could really be either, i suppose.

i went to hunter's last night, and we talked for like 2 hours. i've never connected with anybody like that before, other than my dad. and it was just so different and so amazing, and i really want to do it again. i know, make your gay jokes, i'm totally setting myself up for them. but i mean this very seriously. i mean, c'mon, the kid's dad committed suicide. i'm not gonna start laughing about that shit. but it was just amazing. and he's helping me realize my own genius, but at the same time, he's even more brilliant than i could ever be, so it keeps my ego in check. it doesn't make me superior to the rest of the world. just different. and i think i like different. and all the different kinds of ingenuity there are. it's just so cool.

it's bedtime soon. a little more surfing to do, but i'm more or less finished.

possibly hookah bar tomorrow. rob's back in town. winter camp this week.

good things to look forward to. oh, i got some of my books today too. i'll have to go to ubs and brian's for the rest. meh.

g'night!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

:: 2005 30 December :: 12.48am

monseignor in town...

Your French Name is:

Sinjon Jacquemin

What's Your French Name?

isn't that exciting?

i went ice skating today at the amphitheater. saw tanya and julie and a couple other guys. they were celebrating megan's birthday. i thought that was neat, and it was good to see them. and i talked to jessie wilde on the phone for awhile, which was nice.

shopping tomorrow day. bowling tomorrow night. sex to follow bowling. then saturday is kevin's birthday. should be fun. not sure what's gonna happen. but i have a list. :) it's never going to get finished.

goodnight.

okay, one more:

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

surprised, right? oh, if only that were impressive.

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

8 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2005 27 December :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: lazy bastard
:: Music: SOAD - hypnotize

christmas, etc...

well, i guess i made the dean's list at school for the fall semester. here are the stats:

Communications: A
German: A-
EuroCiv 215: B
EuroCiv 216: A-
GPA: 3.608

okay, lumping christmas and birthday gifts into one (because i'm a materialistic prick...) here's the final tally:

jones soda holiday pack
various assortment of planters nuts
a collection of su doku puzzles
an electric razor (not a beard trimmer... but a real live shaver-shaver)
the worst-case scenario survival handbook: extreme edition
an aluminum water bottle (for winter camp)
an led flashlight (winter camp)
plier/ratchet multi-tool thing.
black and white plaid pajama pants (SCORE!!!)
some real winter gloves
a digital camera keychain (supposedly it really works... we'll try that out later)
a krispy kreme t-shirt & gift certificate from libby.
a travel alarm clock (WTF?! meh, whatever. bruce likes getting us useless stuff and then watching us try to pretend to be excited. he just thinks it's funny. i just get kind of annoyed.)
printer/scanner/copier with ink and set of USB adapters/cables
a bath sheet and matching hand towel. (SCORE AGAIN! DOUBLE TRUE!!)
a tin of popcorn with poker chips and cards on top (again, why? it's the thought that counts, right?)
ratcheting box wrenches for the car (on a scale of one to awesome, these are FREAKIN' SWEET!)
a pair of pro mark TX2BW drumsticks. yummy. with a gift certificate to guitar center. from grandma wright.
a couple of gift certificates to kohls (i guess that's why i didn't get much in the way of clothes this year)
and a whole bunch of dvds:
- queen: live at wembley stadium
- Experience Jimi Hendrix (a british documentary... should be interesting and cool)
- the ladies' man (to replace my scratched copy)
- office space: special edition, with flair (i still haven't seen it yet. giddy though)
- napoleon dynamite (oh, c'mon. self-explanatory awesomeness)
- the 40 year-old virgin (YES! YESS!! YESSS!!!)
- life of brian (date with the goyles, fo sho)
- Looney Tunes - Golden Collection: Vols. I & II (dad said there's a vol. III, but we'll wait a bit on that one. this is 8 discs of pure comedic ecstasy / nostalgia!!! i'm never leaving the house again.)
CDs:
311 - Music
311 - don't tread on me

and today i bought myself some new blank CDs, and SOAD - hypnotize. which i really like.

i'm sure there's more i'm forgetting.

went to the hookah bar, then morningstar, with kevin and teh fil. that was lots of fun. coffee and smoking; pretty hard to go wrong. and we also played a game of pool, which i won. but kevin really should've, i was not on my game, but still, it was good. come to think of it, i won euchre against him at the coffeehouse too. damn, now i feel bad.

i hate how now that christmas is over, everyone simply looks to the next holiday. maybe if people didn't start with christmas as soon as they were finished giving thanks, they wouldn't be so hot to get a move on.

i'm still celebrating, dammit! :)

love you guys. seriously. just keep it on the dl. we don't want to ruin my tough-guy image.

:: 2005 27 December :: 12.31am
:: Music: Zeromancer: Lamp Halo

?U?N?D?E?F?I?N?E?D?
"There's something inside... that's freaking me out... please don't... leave me alone..."

:: 2005 22 December :: 1.34pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: The Matrix - Lobby Fight Scene

I could be the one that comes to set this right. I could be the one to fucking KILL YOU.
"This is Reality"
-Thursday, December 22: 4am.

[ Part of a waking dream with the beginning. Leaning more toward the previous nights notions. The feeling I got in my stomach when I got that phone call... blah. ]

Broken arm
Swings with broken fist
The walls echoing with subtle vibrations
I can feel the spark of kinetics as I draw back
Only to press forward again
The quiet friction smiles in a sense
Bloodstained brick dancing with torn skin
An endless choreographed murder scene of emotion
With a musical score set to the drowning of anger
To pain, to pain
It withers

My thoughts lay strew across the sidewalk
Glittering breathless and beaten amid shards of glass
And more circle my head
To soon follow suit

Silent tears scream louder
Than the rage falling incoherent from my lips
I collapse unto the wall's embrace
I feel something inside has been forced past its breaking point

Praying aloud with no one to hear me
Aside from the wall and my own ears
I wish I could be there
With you
And kill off each of your fears
My heart aches and my stomach twists knots
Slidding to my knees with only remnants of your words
Clinging feverish to the corners of my mind
And an echo of your voice

"...I love you..."

The random picture you sent is all I have to hold
I find it beside me here
As I shake kneeling down in the cold

Pushing against the wall with lethargic attempts to get back up
Stuck here with the weight of the world
And this half ingested overload
I'll wait until the very notion of time is forgotten
For you

I know you've heard it all before
But I always want to say it again
With bile and a rising pressure in my throat
And the winds casting stones

I'm here
Seek me out
Broken hands
Hold a broken comfort
It would be made whole for you
I'll be waiting,
So.......

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2005 21 December :: 6.00pm

can't remember what i was going to say.

i'm super buff, but all this food is making me cushy.

last day of work tomorrow. gonna see hunter.

brain ceasing to function.

missing all my girls (kevin and addison included, of course.)

and my boys too...

later :)

11 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2005 18 December :: 6.18pm

birthday tomorrow...

stuff and the thing.

i work at 7:30 tomorrow. but it's good to get off my ass and make some dough.

it was cool to see dav and dorkus and allyson again.

i'll be chillin' at my crib until bedtime...

*smiles and sexiness*

:: 2005 17 December :: 6.14pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Amon Amarth - Death in Fire

...Dying...
Lack... of.... Dai G........ lack of... Orange Soda..... withering away.... choking..... cannot breathe..... .... ... .. . . .

:: 2005 16 December :: 1.37pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Catamenia - Blackmension

STFU K?!
Ah. I remember this conversation well. No one else may find this amusing but I did. And still do. I don't know why I saved it, or why I still have it... heh. Rosa and Dai. You make me laugh.

[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
-.-; gah damn
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
are you watching it?
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
go. find. the. speaker. cord.
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
or plug in headphones
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
SOMETHING
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
i so did not send that for nothing -.-
{**{Waffle Whore Chains}**} - SHUT UP, I banged your mum. says:
Shut the fuck up
{**{Waffle Whore Chains}**} - SHUT UP, I banged your mum. says:
Trying to watch
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
is there fucking sound?
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
it
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
it ain't the same without sound ><
{**{Waffle Whore Chains}**} - SHUT UP, I banged your mum. says:
YES FUCKING SHUT UP
[[::��???????��?c?ai?��?::]] - I wanna be Batman, all the ladies will *swoon*! says:
OKAY

:: 2005 15 December :: 11.22am
:: Mood: partially exhausted

i like books

i hung out with the gals last night. we went shopping at the mall and stuff. it was really quite fun. but we stayed up a little too late.

i think we went to bed at like 4... and got up at like 9, for breakfast. and i didn't sleep very heavily (probably because i was on the floor). ellen left for home at like 10:30. katie leaves tomorrow at noon. i'll probably leave in a few minutes.

or whenever i get off my lazy ass and get around to it.

it's probably bad that i'm such an open book. certain things shouldn't be said, yet i still say them. sometimes it's funny, but when you need to be serious... well, i'm just not your man, i guess.

:: 2005 14 December :: 11.07am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: 10 Years - Cast It Out

Just Woke Up?
Rawr.

I don't now. Havn't felt the need to update.
Just been lazy and not wanting to write.
Actually... havn't had the desire to write...
anything at all... for like the past couple months...
O_o;; Sucks.

Anyway. Random update.
About a dream.
Sort of.

First part... I dunno. Was back at my old highschool.
Me 'n Matt get into my friend Adam's brother's car.
"The Beast" ... it's a cool car. I can't describe it at the
moment though. Anyway. Matt somehow has the keys
and starts it up. But it drives odd and he ends up scratching
the paint and shit. So he's like.. "Oh shit, Emil is going
to kill me!" And takes off. I don't know why. I tell Emil,
since he is sitting outside the school with a bunch of his
friends. And they all take off after Matt. XD Lmao. Woke up
at that point. Fell back asleep.

Second dream.

Don't know what school I was at. Or what really was going on.
Me and a friend. I think it was Matt again, or someone. Can't
recall clearly at the moment. =/ ... All I remember is that
there was this classroom down one hall, in this alcove away
from others. And that's apparently where they kept kids that
went crazy and stuff. ... Before I got there though, me and whomever
were looking around for Dai. And we found Mary so I asked where
the hell Dai was. She said Dai had flipped out; gone crazy or something and was put in that class room. So me 'n whomever
book it over there. Starin' in through the window. Kids are seated like in a normal class. The one guy Dai is sitting next to reminds me of this guy David I used to know. So I get his attention and he eventually gets Dai's attention. Random hand motions and moving lips. And then school ends. Me 'n whomever go into the room; I think it was Matt at this point. I start to ask Dai why she was in there, and Matt's like "All right! Grab her! We're bustin' out of here!" XD ... And I was like "No! We can't." And the teacher lady came up and said that in order to get someone out or anything we needed a written consent of a parent that the kid could live with who ever. So... I was like... "Fine. My mom'll say yes. I'll be back." .. So I hug Dai and me 'n Matt start to leave. And I wake up. ...... O_o;;;; Pretty randomly odd dream.

So yep. That's it for todays random fuckin' update.

5 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2005 13 December :: 1.15am
:: Mood: bedtime... good times.
:: Music: SOAD - toxicity

penguins:

"Penguins shoot their poop appx 3 feet.

But once a year they hold an annual poop shoot fair and all the penguins gather to shoot their poop.

The penguin record for poop shooting is 11 feet, 3 inches, held by an emperor penguin which was rumored to have been fed White Castle for the week prior to the event."

- Rich (a.k.a. Buddha)

.
.
.

that pretty much sums it up right there. i spent a lot of time studying with ellen. i got to talk to katie 1 on 1 for awhile too. and i did laundry. all in all, it was productive and i enjoyed myself. let's hope tomorrow proves to be similar. i'm debating on whether or not i should set my alarm. i'm leaning towards no.

and i'm really thinking about a nice long walk through the scenic parts of campus. yepper. that's sounding super-fantabulous.

g'night.

m&ms487

:: 2005 12 December :: 3.38pm

I've been so tired lately. I've gotten an average of ten hours a sleep a night, and still it does not seem to be enough. I don't have time to sleep, I have too many things to do. Too much homework, working, blah I have to call them. Blah Blah.

I want to cry. My body hurts. All I want to do is sleep. I'm drinking a mountain dew in hopes of staying awake until five.

I have an essay to write. I hate fricken ap lit. what a bitch.