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2005 12 December :: 12.06pm
i realized that i totally ragged on everyone who commented on my last entry. sorry, i know you were just trying to help, and i shot you all down. apologies. i'm just more than a little frustrated... whether it's with myself or with the situation. i really do appreciate the thoughts and help. it has not fallen on deaf ears, however deaf they may appear to be.
in other news, i just got my ass reamed at book buyback. seriously. i took 4 or 5 books from my HNR 215 class and got approximately $12. i paid like $50 for them USED! expensive lesson... but valuable.
and it helped to talk to hunter. i'm not going to cram. i'm not even going to study. i'm simply going to refresh my memory, and that will be enough. i've never studied for a test before in my life. why start now? i'm telling you. that kid is pure, undiluted genius. i need that from time to time. or all the time.
oke doke. almost done with school. time for lunch now...
3 Wasted Their Money |
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2005 10 December :: 4.39pm
due to popular complaint about my previous ambiguity...
WARNING: SAPPY ROMANCE BULLSHIT (please stop reading if you don't wish to hear my current situation. i won't be offended, honest.)
there's this girl that lives in my dorm. her name is katie. i like katie... she's funny and smart and cute and all that good stuff. upon logical discussion of the situation... i was "friended" by katie... friended being the opposite of "girlfriended". which from a logical standpoint, makes sense. it would be silly to get in a serious relationship.
so, my brain is hunky dory. but the situation gives rise to some very intense, internal, emotional ruckus. pushing me a little closer to insanity than i already was to begin with (scary eh?).
and so, i just like hanging out with katie, which we did last night (but not alone). i just have a hard time coping with the feelings generally associated with hanging out with katie... or rather, once we're done hanging out, and i realize i have to go back to my bed and sleep and be lonely like.
to add to the awkwardness, last night hunter was trying to convince me i need to hook up with his ex-girlfriends twin sister. now, i'm not saying that's necessarily a bad idea. but emotionaly complex... especially when katie is sitting right there, asking me what i think.
so, obviously something needs to happen to me to make me stop liking katie like this, or to push katie and i together... which just doesn't make sense to do. and so, honestly, i really want to stop liking katie. but try as i might, it's not working.
so that's where we sit. hopefully this clears things up some, for those interested parties. and anyone who's not interested... then just ignore me already.
9 Wasted Their Money |
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2005 10 December :: 1.55am
:: Mood: sleepy = sappy
:: Music: dave brubeck - someday my prince will come
someday...
someday my prince will come for me. but until then... i'm left to dream.
i had a lot of fun tonight. too much fun perhaps. it's amazing how difficult it is to just be friends. feelings suck. but yet they're the best ever.
and i inadvertently got buzzed off a double-shot of whiskey. whoopsy dupsy. i forgot i hadn't eaten... and i drank it kinda fast. oh well, it happens. and it was a fun half-hour or so, anyway. and the look on ellen's face when she had a sip was absolutely priceless. and katie refrained... at which point i felt like a bad friend. but she really didn't seem to mind. i don't know what to make of her. i really don't. mostly because i just don't want to believe it, i guess. i don't know what needs to happen for this to make sense, but i want it to happen sooner than later already. grr. whatcha gonna do, right?
just be friends... that's what you're going to do. and quit your bitching... you're going to do that as well.
one exam to go! then i'm done with my first ever semester of college. hopefully i don't fail college and they kick me out and never want to see me again. then again, it might be somewhat of a relief.
i'll do fine. but for now, i have to be social.
goodnight, lovebirds.
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2005 7 December :: 8.58pm
:: Music: RHCP - californication
seriously... this feeling can go away any time now... i won't mind, honest.
and just gar.
cut it out.
feelings suck donkey balls. and a chode. feelings suck a donkey chode punch balls ass cock penis rape anal dwelling butt monkey.
.
.
.
i still don't feel better, even after all that. dammit!
EARMUFFS!
5 Wasted Their Money |
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2005 6 December :: 6.57pm
:: Mood: shaky
:: Music: extreme - warheads
jared just came and sang "god rest ye, merry, gentle fags" to me. it was full of good tidings and cashmere. and armani, and something else.
i should probably get to work now. as always.
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2005 5 December :: 9.11pm
well, that was a blindside.
enter deloric/tracey stage left.
right. gonna focus. gonna do homework now.
may never speak german in here again, and save myself the embarrassment.
then again, it might help me improve.
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2005 5 December :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: tired.
hm.
well this weekend was lots of fun. friday i went to hunter's but didn't spend the night. watched planes, trains, and automobiles, which really kinda sucked. but i had fun anyway. i'm afraid i may have scared katie a little. been a little too forward. but she took it well. and it was fun to play ellen in pool. we'll have to do that again sometime.
saturday i took the car down to saugatuck after grandma's birthday party. got the pickup in cedar. went to dad's, dinner and a movie (christmas vacation) and crashed. sunday was church and grandpa & grandma's, then MIVE KK g2g, then S.O.A.P. downtown, because katie and jim and natey-poo were acting. after the show katie and shannon and i had dinner at the shawmut inn... which i hadn't been to in several years. the highlight was probably the drunk guy telling the bad joke about how the army was better than the marines.
today was class. and my appt. with Chris hendree. my brain is mush for some reason. i hate waking up late. it totally screws with me. i forgot to get the snowball tickets, but i'll get them later.
bunches of other crap. homework to do right now.
i think it would be fun to write an exotic story. then again, maybe not.
it would just be fun to write a story period.
well, i've rambled for long enough. oh, i also did my radio show last night. which is why i overslept.
g'night.
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2005 4 December :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Mudvayne - Patient Mental
Hope
Havn't really had anything important to update this thing about in a while now. Hm. Don't even know if I still have anything important to go on about. Since there is like... what maybe two people that read this? I think. I don't know. XD ...
It's sort of pointless repeating things that have been said, ect ect. But this is more of a space to let my thoughts run since I've had time to think or something.
...
First off all I want to get this off my head.
Christmas time. Bleh. Every year since dad married Robyn, they've gone over to Robyn's sisters house Christmas day. I usually have to go to that. I don't see any of her family much the rest of the year because I don't fit in with them. And they are a pretty close family, always doing shit together. Let me see.. there is...
Justin and Sonya. (Justin is pretty cool. He likes to snowboard.)
Mike and ____ whatsherface I forgot. Lol.
Deloris and George.
Charmein.
And then the three babies.
Add Robyn, my sister, and my dad.
That's a lot of people!
Since I don't see them often I don't want to expect gifts from them. I'm already unstable on the subject of recieving things from people. I don't like getting gifts. Because I either can't or don't give back. I knows its Christmas and they probably consider me a little bit family but still.. I don't spend enough time with 'em to get anything. So this year I'm not going to go. And I'm not accepting anything from them. Though I can't seem to bring up the courage to tell my dad and step mom this decision. Oh well....
Blah blah blah. I just want a relaxed christmas this year.
I'm thinking of just staying at my moms. Waiting to see my dad.
I don't know why.
Anyway.
In other news.
..So Dai's calls me up one night. Completely trashed I might add. I wasn't feeling too happy that day. But when I saw the name on my cellphone I smiled. To say the least that entire conversation was fucking funny. It made my day.
When she first said that she wanted to come spend christmas up here I was like holyshitnofuckingwayomfg. Then I was like wait.. waitwait. She's been drinking! And then that was beat down once I realized she was serious.
I'm still sitting here... shocked, for lack of a better word. I always thought it would be me going there, and a few years later. But apparently her sister said she'd buy her a ticket or somethin'. And I'm like.. O_O;; Eeee!!!
OH so fucking excited at the mere thought of her coming here to visit retarded 'ol me.
So I hope her mom's not a cunt and lets her come visit. I'm reallyreallyreallyreally hoping she can.
Cause I need a big hug. :)
End.
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2005 1 December :: 12.07am
:: Mood: pleasant
:: Music: incubus - out from under
Du gebeit mich!
shut up, okay! so what if i suck at past-tense conjugation? always naysaying. you fucking dick! you create something, you piece of shit!
anyway.
revising my paper. gonna fail my german quiz tomorrow. personally i suspect that "go-get-em" attitude to be at fault for my lack of progress.
but at least i'm laughing and smiling and regular again. fiber is a beautiful thing.
i think i'll go to bed soon. a couple more quotes. then more cleaning tomorrow during lunch. good thing my lunch is from 10am-1pm. \m/ !!!!
yum yum.
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2005 29 November :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: sexy
bowel movements
i seem to be doing much better. i think i'm finally becoming healthy again.
wrote my paper for my history class today. it sucked. i'll rewrite it and hand it in again thursday, and see if she'll give me a better grade.
speech tomorrow for COM, and the unit 5 test auf Deutsch.
fun times, fun times. i'm only slightly insane, honest.
and kind of... empty, somehow. not sure what it is, or how to make it quit. but it's seriously starting to irk me. maybe if i ignore it, it'll just go away.
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2005 28 November :: 1.10am
:: Music: somnambulant ramblings, on wcks.org
i have a microphone and you don't.
so you'll just have to listen to EVERY DAMN WORD I SAY!
yeah. thanksgiving was cool. i have the runs again. oversharing? yeah, i know.
i really should've just gone to bed.
i've been feeling kinda crappy for awhile now. physically and otherwise. just crappy. but apparently i'm losing weight.
oop. time to talk again.
later, b.
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2005 26 November :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: cold
So many things to do, so little time to squeeze them all in. Everything is crazy busy, and I need to get together with my english group. I have a feeling we're going to be half assing our way to a B.
I swear I can hear music comming from somewhere in this house, but everytime I walk around I can't find the source. Maybe I'm finally going crazy. Maybe my house is haunted. These things I do not know.
Whatever it is, it has a good beat.
I think I figured out the reason why I shake when I drink. See, I get cold really easy, and when you drink you're body thinks it feels hot, and your blood vessels open up to let off the heat, which isn't really there, so it cools you when you're not hot, making your normal body temperature go down instead of a hot temperature go to normal. Then I shake because I'm cold. Just shivering, that's all that it is.
This imaginary music is driving me fucking nuts.
I want to be done, I want to be out. I'm not quite sure what I want to be doing instead, but just not this. All this shit. I hate it. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, I want to do what I want. I guess that's what everyone wants, but, as in Ethan Frome, "only the smart ones get away."
I hope I'm one of the smart ones.
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2005 24 November :: 1.47am
i'm feeling much better now. thanks everyone!
and a happy thanksgiving to you as well...
Powered by
PhotoEcards.com
hope that worked. i thought it was a cool shot. ten points to anyone who recognizes where it's at.
3 times in one week is just too much damn harry potter. i'm sorry. but it's starting to grate, just a little.
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2005 22 November :: 2.00pm
that was a most unpleasant experience.
but i seem to be doing better now. and all my drink seems to be staying down. i just had a piece of bread. we'll see how that goes.
i'm missing my class. ugh.
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2005 21 November :: 4.19pm
check out the Solare website at www.soundclick.com
cool stuff. and me playing crappy drums. the only one that's semi-finished really is "kiss me".
but more to come, more to come.
i need to write a paper. and read several reams of stuff. and learn how to speak german.
by tomorrow.
smile!
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2005 20 November :: 1.39am
:: Mood: sleepy-weepy time
ghouls... i mean goyles. shit.
yesterday was fun. and so was today, for that matter.
yesterday i went shopping with ellen and katie. then we went on a bridge walk downtown (pizomp points), then we went to hunter's for pizza and a movie. we watched "love actually" i liked it a lot.
we also sang karaoke on this video game thing. it was weird. even more weird, my best song was "oops i did it again" by britney spears. oh well. the ladies were impressed with my falsetto. i think hunter was too, but he did a good job of hiding it. and honestly, he wasn't too shabby himself. a very good michael jackson - of jackson 5 no less.
i suppose i ought to join cuddle-sluts anonymous. population: us.
today i went with dad, libby, and kathy to see the goblet of fire at the IMAX. it was really cool and all. there was some stuff i didn't like. some stuff i did. i'm really still not sure how it all balances out, so i'm reserving official judgement. but it was certainly well done from a cinematic standpoint. neat camerawork and everything.
then rich's 40th birthday party. that was fun too. tomorrow is jackie and mom's and rob's and homework and radio show. monday is "write a paper and do german" day. and laundry also.
shit shit shit. i'll have to see if ellen has finished the reading yet. i just remembered it, and it's gonna take hella ever. oh well. no rest for the wicked, or whatever it is.
g'nightz!
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2005 16 November :: 5.08pm
:: Music: My Dying Bride: She Is The Dark
The Words Flow In Rivers Of Confusion...
...
Another entry for the day. In case you feel like reading some poetry.
I wrote these. They almost seem to be subtle echoes of each other.
1st: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25323767/
2nd: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25324806/
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2005 16 November :: 4.13pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Taproot: Lost In The Woods
The Structure Slowly Unravels
[ A nice friend wanted me to start a new journal so she could read what I had to write. I don't know why. I started one. Livejournal. Bleh. ... Whatever. I'll still be posting here though! I'll just take the entries I write and copy and paste'em. Why you ask? 'Cause I had a journal here first; for another friend. And I ain't just stoppin' for no damn good reason. Dai. <3 ]
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Fractures:
Nov. 15th, 2005 | 08:14 pm
mood: confused
music: Guano Apes: Break The Line
Entry #001 Status: Online
Uplink Status: Nanotechnology filtering through cerbral passages...
System Control Status: %99.7
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Upload Progress: %0.001
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Random input. Mind disheveled and sectioned into fragments.
It's easier to drift silently through the days this way.
All these emotions and feelings suddenly crashing down my walls.
If I don't keep areas of myself locked away I'm afraid I cannot function.
The world scares me. I do not wish to be here. But here I am.
And my being here means I have to do something. I cannot sit idly by.
Nor can I terminate my current existance. My options are few.
I do not know where to find comfort. I do not know how to lament unto others.
I cannot tell you everything that plagues me. The obvious surface errors are there.
But I cannot breathe if I try to swim too far down.
Is it possible to suffocate one's self with himself?
I am in need of a complete recalibration of self. I do not know how to do this.
There are things I must accomplish. I have goals. But I cannot seem grasp motion.
It is hard to make myself stand and move to get these things done.
They need to be done. They need completion. Why am I unable to?
I...
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...Hope \\ Less...
Nov. 16th, 2005 | 04:11 pm
mood: apathetic
music: Rammstein: Laichzeit
...laichzeit!
I don't know why. I've always just wanted to complain.
About this particular subject since it was brought to my attention; again.
About people whom make journals; and empty theirs heads in them.
This is pretty much what a journal is for in my opinion.
You jot down what's troubling you. Anything at all.
All these people get worked up over somethings. Like other's.
Lets say; the extremely "emotional" or depressed.
Sometimes one's only option is to spit it all out into text.
And behind their back's; though sometimes not other's ridicule 'em.
For fuck's sake. Who cares if you can make the entry private or not?
Maybe these kids post their torment so other's may read...
...And perhaps jot down a helpful note? They don't spill their lives
onto meaningless textual pages for other's to read for nothing you know.
But anyway. I think I might sound a bit unorganized. Oh well.
A journal is a journal. Anything at all can be thrown into one.
Who cares if it's made public? You don't have to thrown down ont the matters
going on in someone else's life. Fuckers. =D
...........
Whatever.
I almost forgot what I was going to make an entry about.
But I recall now. My dilema. *Sigh.* ...
Finding a job is so tedious and annoying. Not to mention very difficult!
I'm not a people person. I have problem talking and getting my words out.
It's hard for me to get up in the morning and wander outside to even walk
downtown; even though it is a mere few blocks away. Pathetic, I know. But.
As it is... myself. My options are limited. I will not work at a gas station.
I will not serve in a restuarant. I will not work a cash register. These things
I don't want to do because I can't talk to people well enough to do them.
I find myself in a bind. A real bad position. I wish I could bring myself to get
over it but I cannot. And it sometimes hurts. ... I did however go down to the
local post office today. The guy was real matter of fact when he said they
were not hiring. He sort of sounded like he was having bad day. Not my problem.
I will not work at a food store either. I need to find something I can do that
doesn't involve my interaction with many people. I mean, I'm not so closed that I cannot work with other people. But I can't deal with people, such as customers.
I'm just hoping that the local high school has some openings. Janitorial work most likely, but I can handle that. I worked there as a technology intern one summer. I know most of the people there, having gone there for nearly four years. I feel comfortable there.
...........
What am I to do?
[ End. ]
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2005 16 November :: 5.17pm
and i was having a good day too. why did i let it get to me?
good riddance to bad rubbish, i say.
gar. i have such a weak constitution sometimes.
this is seriously stupid. i've gotta stop.
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2005 16 November :: 12.34am
:: Mood: confused (perpetually)
:: Music: DMB - Typical Situation
gah. in other news, i'm incredibly lame.
but i squeaked out an 80% on that paper. obviously not my best effort, but i was glad just not to have sucked total ass.
i'm seriously slacking in the german dept. i did the software, but i need to study more for the vocab quiz in the morning. and i didn't do any of the book work, because it requires all sorts of internet research. which i translate into a lot of frustration and a 3am bedtime. no sir. chris needs his beauty sleep.
so, that's why i suck.
but i helped ellen out tonight. and i vacuumed. and i did dishes.
so i must not be a complete waste of space ;)
if feelings suck, why am i such a whore for them. it's that whole "i'm a little kid again" thing going on. just lots of stuff that i haven't felt. and i don't get it. and i don't know what to do about it. but i kind of like it. i just don't know if i'm being stupid or not.
shut up, brain! and slow down, chris!
be the tortoise, be the tortoise!
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