so, I have to apply for this class for my major. it's CDO 495 our clinic class. you have to apply and get accepted to get in. you basically ARE an slp and get assigned 2 clients that you have to do therapy with and everything. if you don't get in, they basically say you won't get into grad school. keeping in mind if i don't get in, i still have a back up plan and will STILL make my way to grad school..i really need to get into this class. my grades for the past year have been SHIT. (including an E, Incomplete and W's). HOWEVER, before that I had a 4.0 and am earning a 4.0 during this semester. I have to write a 300 word essay to turn in.
How can I express in 300 words HOW BADLY I want this and how much I have changed my life in the past year and overcome so many obstacles to do THIS. I was at rock bottom..i as in the hospital for 4 days, my dad was in the hospital, i went through two really rough life altering decisions that crushed me and I overcame these things to complete my schooling. I've completely taken myself off of anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I've lost 20lbs and exercise daily and meditate. I'm so much better than before. I am just upset b/c I KNOW my skills and abilities in academia and in a clinic setting and I'm confident in my skills and my ability to do it and do it well, but that's not going to come across in my transcripts. SO this essay could highly benefit me. I just am so worried that they won't see it. That they'll brush me aside, but I'm hoping not. I know I'll get some priority b/c I'm graduating in May, and they let people that are graduating have first 'dibs' so they can get it in. The essay needs to be about, 'What makes a good clinician"--I need more words so I can tell them what I think makes a good clinician and how I embody that. :/
I don't want to make excuses for my bad grades. Nobody cares about excuses because everyone goes through rough times etc..so, in my essay, I'm thinking writing 1-2 sentences tops expressing the fact that I own up to my poor performance and would just ask to still be considered based on my overall GPA and my experiences outside of class. IDK what I should say about it. I don't know if I should say, "yea I did crappy, but that's not the real me..blah blah etc.." or if I should just leave it out altogether and just let them wonder? Any opinions? I don't know what would be appropriate.
i need to not let other people's success in my field get me down (all my peers are getting into grad school etc).. i just need to let it inspire me to find my own path, my own way there,..maybe it won't be as easy and i'll have to take a detour..but i'll get there, in my own way. i'll forge my own path/adventure.
i wish joe never wrote that story, because i keep getting this look from all the people who've read it and i don't want that look. for fuck's sake just stop identifying with me, you assholes, i'm trying to get past that point in my life, i was the same person before you read that story.
and i don't want to watch videos of daniel and jacob playing Blackbird together. and i know everyone knows i've dated both of them. and fuck
i'm talented as most fuck and i work hard as all fuck and i am more than these very small elements of my life, so let's just all mooooove on cause i can't do no more!
::
2011 11 September :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Scott Butler (i need to get a hold of him....)
Fuckin' Fall!
it's getting to be that time of year. we're not quite there yet, but getting steadily closer. it's cooling off. the kiddies are back in school. hell, the trees were starting to turn colors when i went up north last weekend.
it's coming, people. and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.
every year, when it gets to be about this time, i get... weird. well... even weirder than normal. but i like it, okay? this is probably my favorite time of year, and a large part of that is because it makes me feel this way. i'm not entirely convinced i'm alone in this, either. i mean, i seem to recall posting this spring about how i'd seen all these people breaking up because the weather was turning nice, and it was time to go out and play the field for the summer. and now that things are winding down, everyone's looking to snatch up somebody (or has already... they've had all bleeding summer) to hunker down with and spend the winter months together. i could be imagining all of this, and probably am, but it seems like an interesting theory, just in the nature of humans.
as fixated as i am on this possible phenomenon (if it is in fact more than in my head), i'm not sure that it applies to me. i'm in a constant state of oscillation between looking for someone to hunker down with, and looking for nothing but my own satisfaction (which would invariably be complicated by involving another person). this inability to settle on one option or the other primarily causes me to want to beat my head against a brick wall. which, in all actuality, would probably be about as productive as the running in circles i usually wind up doing.
but fall makes it different. it's more intense. the smells. the sounds. the way the air feels. it all means that it's time for introspection and reflection. soaking up nature, and all of the bounties of harvest time. quiet time alone to think about shit. lots of shit. to think about. i get nostalgic. i have ridiculous romanticized fantasies for the future. but they're all hypotheticals. because i like the subtle ache of watching everyone else be happy together. i was never a part of their happiness. even if i pretended awhile. but theirs isn't what makes me happy. i'm happy alone in my head. it's where i spent the first 7 years of my life. and all the bullshit of this world that i've encountered since has succeeded in doing nothing but confuse and depress me. why can't i go back and just think on things, and feel the ache, and have people leave me alone.
but the rest of the world won't let me do that. i guess that's why they say i get weird this time of year. because, to them, it is weird. sucks to be them. i like it this way. it's the way my brain was designed to be. if that's not good enough for you, then go suck a bag of dicks. because that's as good as it's ever going to be.
Sorry for the self pity entry but I need to vent
I feel completely isolated and alone because of my lack of active friendships. I don't have a best friend, nor do I have any friends that I can just call and say, "hey let's hang out." It seems like everyone else has moved on or is far away or busy with their new lives.
I've been doing really well making positive progress lately, but the social isolation I feel is suffocating me. I had one best friend, we had so much in common, I felt so comfortable around her and we did everything together. Well she graduated (we used to have classes together) and she got a new boyfriend (now fiance) who she's completely infatuated with and is also pregnant. And I haven't talked to her in months. I try texting or calling once in a while but I never get a response. I am a fun, friendly person I feel and I NEED social interaction. I need to have friends who I can hang out with, go to things with or just talk to. I'm really depressed about the whole thing, I even joined a stupid "friendship" website, but there's nobody even on there remotely in this area. My mom tells me to 'be brave' and just go to the bar or whatever by myself and "make" friends. That doesn't work so well because everyone is already there with their "groups" and people aren't just accepting of a random stranger trying to join in. I just feel sad b/c I feel like everyone else has friends except me. How did this happen? I know I got depressed and probably stopped communicating with people, but I guess when I moved to CMU I just got a boyfriend and he was my only friend, and I didn't make any new friends. And then we broke up, and I was left with just people I work with, who I am not friends with anymore. And so I rely on Nic, who I should honestly break up with but if I did I would have nobody.
I know maybe it seems silly, but I don't know what to do. I went to a couple groups on campus but I felt like an outsider b/c everyone already knew everybody and I was the "new" person that wasn't established in the group. I just want someone NOW! someone I can call and talk to or whatever. I'm sick of relying on my little sister and mom for female companionship. Not that I don't love them..they're wonderful and are happy to talk to me. But it's not the same. I'm 23, I feel like I should have a circle of girl friends, like my sister does! She has like four "best friends" who always hang out and they always do things together. and if one is busy there are three other people willing to hang out.
Breakthough in therapy*
*It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.
I now view the world in a different way. This is why I was always depressed from 15 on. I've shifted my world view. Other people do not define me. I define me. Other people's opinion of me (or what I assume they think) doesn't affect me anymore. It's going to be a work in progress, but the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one.
I realize now I have a choice. Other people can not make me feel inferior, angry, frustrated, sad etc..unless I choose to let them. At that moment, I need to stop, choose how to react and let it go, b/c before, it automatically affected me. In that split second, I can make a huge difference in the way I live my life. Realizing I do have a choice.
It seems so simple, and I never realized I was doing it. Until now. Time to move forward..
is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irun, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles
and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it
internet memes and why i don't understand them
apparently we have a rapist?
i'll take the rapist for $200, Alex.
you should hide yo:
a. Kids
b. Wife
c. Husband
d. All of the above
maybe someday the world will make more sense to me. in the meantime, i'm just doing my best to enjoy the ride and not fuck shit up too badly. which i seem prone to doing at times.
i may be an idiot, but at least i'm not from the projects?
Something I foudn on StumbleUpon (my new fav. website)
Positive Affirmations for Self Esteem
1. I deeply and completely love myself.
2. I believe in myself apart from others' opinions.
3. I feel good about taking care of my own needs.
4. I am comfortable being myself around others.
5. I am a unique and valuable person just as I am.
6. I am becoming more and more confident.
7. I love myself just the way I am.
8. I like the way I handle challenges.
9. I feel good and good is attracted to me.
10. I openly express my needs and feelings.
11. I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful.
12. I love and accept myself.
13. I am healthy and happy.
14. I am inherently worthy as a person.
15. I accept and learn from my mistakes.
Positive Affirmations for Daily Living
16. I enjoy the adventure of life.
17. I'm responsible and in control of my life.
18. I'm in control of my attitude toward circumstances.
19. I learn and grow through every challenge.
20. I accept the natural ups and downs of life.
21. The Law of Attraction operates in my life for my highest good.
22. I am calm and relaxed in every situation.
23. I am discovering new meaning in my life.
24. I am improving one step at a time.
25. I am healthy, strong, and capable.
26. I am willing to trust others.
27. I forgive myself and others.
28. I am willing to relax, let go and have fun.
29. Everything is getting better every day.
30. There are beautiful things happening in my life daily.
31. I experience the excitement of growth daily.
32. I am at peace with the Universe.
33. I am safe and always feel protected.
34. I am willing to allow others to help me.
35. I am always in harmony with the Universe.
36. I am filled with the Love of the Universal Divine Truth.
37. All is well in my world.
Positive Affirmations for Health
38. I am healthy in every way.
39. Every cell in my body vibrates with energy and health.
40. I nourish my mind, body and soul.
41. My body heals quickly and easily.
42. I am in control of my health and wellness.
43. I have abundant energy, vitality and well-being.
44. I am healthy in all aspects of my being.
45. I love and care for my body and it cares for me.
46. My body is healthy, energized, and perfect in every way.
47. I am healthy, whole and complete.
48. The vibrant wellness in my body increases every day.
49. I am perfectly healthy in body, mind and spirit.
50. I sleep soundly and peacefully.
51. I am living a long and healthy Life.
52. I have a healthy heart and a strong set of lungs.
53. Healthy living ideas flow to me easily.
Positive Affirmations for Abundance, Wealth, and Prosperity
54. I am attracting the financial resources I need.
55. I am a prosperity magnet.
56. The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
57. I pay my bills with love as I know abundance flows freely through me.
58. Money flows to me easily and frequently.
59. I am eternally grateful for my abundance.
60. Wealth is pouring into my life.
61. I am getting wealthier each day.
62. I travel whenever and wherever I please.
63. I am successful in whatever I do.
64. I always have more than I need.
65. The universe brings me fulfillment and abundance.
66. Everything I touch is a success.
List of Affirmations for Work
67. I work with people I love, and who love and respect me.
68. Great things just always have a way of coming into my life.
69. I have a wonderfully satisfying job.
70. I love and enjoy my work and I receive the perfect pay.
71. Divine Guidance causes me to do an exceptional job.
72. I am a success magnet at work.
73. I am an expert at what I am doing
74. My work now fulfills and enriches me
75. My work is deeply satisfying.
76. I am a magnet for creative ideas.
77. New opportunities are opening for me.
List of Affirmations for Success
78. I am winning in the race of life.
79. I am successful in whatever I do.
80. My possibilities are endless.
81. I enjoy more and more success because I am the best.
82. My intentions unfold with ease.
83. I am clearly pointed in the direction of my dreams.
84. The resources that I need come to me with ease.
85. I am so grateful to be realizing my intentions.
86. I am a success in all that I do.
87. Everything I touch returns riches to me.
88. I am always productive.
List of Affirmations for Love/Relationships
89. I am surrounded with loving, caring people in my life.
90. I easily attract love into my life.
91. The warmth of love fills my world.
92. I appreciate those who love me.
93. I radiate love and happiness.
94. I am loving and accepting of others.
95. Healthy relationships are a wonderful pattern for me.
96. All my relationships are loving and harmonious.
97. My life is filled with love, fun and friendship.
98. I am loving and lovable, and I find love everywhere.
99. I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.
100. I love myself and I attract loving people into my life.
101. I am attracting emotionally available partners to my loving and giving spirit.
Rock Bottom
so i have this one friend, his name is chey. he's the only person i hang out with as a friend. he goes out of his way to be their for me and shows up on my doorstep if he thinks i need company. he gives me rides when my car breaks down and calls me to invite me and include me with his friends. he brings me smoothies to work for no reason. he makes me laugh.
well today was his last day at work and he's moving to florida in like a week.
why is it that the one true friend i have up here bails and leaves to a different state.
i feel so so so sad that he's leaving :( i guess i'm on my own again.
So many things going on. I'm taking classes and super involved in a shit ton of stuff.
Good things:
-I got my first poem published in an online Canadian Zine this past week. I don't write poetry much, so it was kind of a "I'll submit just for the hell of it and see what happens." It's nice to know that at least one person likes at least one of my poems.
-I'm the newest contributor for a fledgling online commentary website. No pay, but it's definitely more legit than just my wordpress blog. I wouldn't mind spending a few years of my life writing political and social commentary as a job. It'd be kind of fun, I think, just so as long as I don't get my voice totally edited out. We'll see. Maybe something will come of this, maybe something won't. Just another thing to put on my resume at the very least.
So much more is going on, but these are the things of which I am very proud. Sometimes it's really overwhelming, but I know that opportunities like these are what are going to make the difference between getting a job and having a career I love.
EURYDICE
Suddenly nothing is as it was
Where are you now, Orpheus?
Wasn't it always the two of us
Weren't we birds of a feather?
HADES
Hey, little songbird, let me guess
He's some kind of poet - and he's penniless
Give him your hand, he'll give you his hand-to-mouth
He'll write you a poem when the power's out
so apparently GR is in the world news because it has an asshole with a gun. what city doesn't have an asshole with a gun? our asshole is just a little more stupid than most. so, proportionally speaking, our assholes without guns should theoretically be smarter. but... they're probably not. i just think people pick up on this stuff because nobody has a life, and they have this morbid curiosity with death. i mean, face it, we're all dying someday.
and until then, we will spend our lives waiting for windows XP to actually work on this damn laptop. (or maybe that's just me)
honestly, though, i'm making progress. i got the OS on there with relatively few hassles. it was after i started trying to get my shit set up on there that i got pissed, because all the drivers were missing. and then i found the driver disc, so now i'm waiting for that.
see? i'm way more exciting than gatorade boy. i'm still flabbergasted that in all of my disorganized piles of random shit, i managed to find the 2 discs i needed to make this shit work. and it's a legit copy to boot. then again, that's probably why it's being a pain in the ass. if i had just used the illegal bit torrent i downloaded and burned in like ten minutes, i would probably be done by now.
