hey justin, congrats on selling a bunch of accessories, tripling the repair numbers, selling more insurance, and getting more tech refferals than i ever have and my fucking comission check is still the same amount it was last month.
I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my child is 7 months old already.
It doesn't seem like she should be this old, and I know that the older she gets the harder it is going to be to deal with.
I am extremely happy that I have the chance to be a stay at home mom. She makes my life so much better. And no, I'm not just saying that because its expected. She really does make my life so much better. I love being a mom. When I feel sad or I am pissed off about something, just hearing her laugh, is the best thing in the world. I absolutely adore her smile.
She is so happy and innocent. I pray that she stays that way.
My friend offered to rent her spare room out to me in her duplex for awhile. So I'll be moving out of this apartment Monday sometime. And a big fuck you to my roommate will be all of the shit I'm downloading off of his internetz roiight meow.
Still thinking about moving down to G.R.
Thinking.
Hmm.
I downloaded the Foo Fighters newest album. The song "Rope" i must say holds some sort of nostalgia for me. Its pretty good though.
::
2011 11 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Love you till the end" By The Pogues
What Is Love
A love all-commanding, all-withstanding
Through a year is my love;
A grief darkly hiding, starkly biding
Without let or remove;
Of strength a sharp straining, past sustaining
Wheresoever I rove,
A force still extending without ending
Before and around and above.
Of Heaven 'tis the brightest amazement,
The blackest abasement of Hell,
A struggle for breath with a spectre,
In nectar a choking to death;
'Tis a race with Heaven's lightning and thunder,
Then Champion Feats under Moyle's water,
'Tis pursuing the cuckoo, the wooing
Of Echo, the Rock's airy daughter.
Till my red lips turn ashen,
My light limbs grow leaden,
My heart loses motion,
In Death my eyes deaden,
So is my love and my Passion,
So is my ceaseless devotion
To him to whom I gave them,
To him who will not have them.
::
2011 9 June :: 7.44pm
:: Music: Eisley- Smarter
dreaming with a broken heart
sometimes i wonder if i am always going to feel empty inside. I wonder if too much honesty is a bad thing. I wonder if i will ever find my inner peace. its all wondering, constant searching and contemplating and i feel as though I am just parading around like one of those poor horses at the fair- wandering in this dismal circle of sadness for the rest of my life.
Is it because I have too much empathy, compassion, hope for mankind, hope for myself?
Sometimes I can feel things that aren't there and I wonder if it is some invisible being trying to comfort me... a stroke of a finger down my cheek-- an embrace that couldn't be possible-- nothing makes sense.
how do you fight to hold on to something that was only an illusion to start? how do you believe in yourself when all the confidence you ever had walked out so long ago that you can't be sure you ever had it?
I just wish I could find happy... but it's always been such a fleeting idea. I've spent so long having to hide myself to make everyone else happy that somedays I wake up and I don't even know who the person is that is looking back at me.
Then again...
maybe I just have to face the facts, I never did heal oh so long ago and perhaps ever since childhood I have just been destined to be damaged goods. world you truly are a cruel, hateful place. we were never meant to be with each other-- you with your malice and me with my heart on my sleeve. and though i try so very hard my poor heart just wants love that for all i know will never be there, after all it rarely had been up until now.
oh bollox. i might as well just give up.
I've been contemplating suicide a lot more that I probably should lately.
I know its cowardly, but at this point in time I think I'm alright with being selfish for once.
I'm a 24 year old child.
I take one step forward, then three steps back.
I'm not getting anywhere.
