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2005 1 February :: 5.08pm
Nothing ever seems to go my way no matter what I do, it always gets fucked up.
God, fuck it. I don't give a shit anymore. Everyone and everything can go to fucking HELL.
[Edit//6:45] I want some orange juice.. right now and I don't fucking have any. Why? Because nothing ever goes my way. Piece of shit. [//Edit]
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2005 31 January :: 7.21pm
So today was dumb.. I woke up went to school felt like shit, Kellys dad came to pick us up from school so Kelly could get her permit.. but the place was closed.. So we're prob. going tomorrow. After that I came home, did my chores [yes.. we all have CHORES now.. lmao] then I learned that my.. BIRTH CERTIFICATE came in the mail today.. I almost peed my pants. I can finially get my permit. So I'm going tomorrow with Kelly.. hopefully I don't fail. Teehee.
Wednesday is the RCL or RLC [I forget the order???] for FBLA.. Nichole and I are competting in Network Design. I'm gonna get all dressed up on Wed. WATCH OUT!
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2005 30 January :: 9.34pm
:: Mood: sleepy, tired of coughing
It's kinda weird how everyone agrees with me on this entry. And the notes I got about it.. But anyways.
Amy got a journal on here now. I don't think she's written an entry or anything yet. But hello Amy, now you can be cool like Becky and I!! Nice. And yes, that's cool because I said so.
Today was boring.. I woke up around 6:20 with Gabrielle, went back to sleep for an hour or so then my Mom woke up and we started putting away our Christmas decorations. Yeah, we just put them away today. Haha. After that I sat around the house.. then around 4:30 we all went up my Aunt Loraines to eat dinner. That was very good. Greg and Tiffany were up there [the ones that lost the baby..] they seem to be doing okay. I don't think seeing Gabrielle bothered them any. I was scared at first; but towards the end of the night they both held her; and I just hope they're okay.
My gram is doing great. My Aunt Diania on the other hand isn't. She can't have kids and her husband is a jerk. [as you know.. right Kel?] Well, she went home crying. I just wish things could be different for her. It's kinda hard to explain what exactly is wrong with her.. you just have to be part of my family to understand.
In other news my brother Dustin is going to jail on Feb. 18 for his second DUI. Jim called me a few days ago.. or maybe a few weeks ago; I'm not sure. But he called and told me. I just remembered today. He's in there for a month but he has work release.. which is a good thing. I'm scared for him; I don't know what it's like in jail- and I don't want to find out- but I know he'll do alright.. I'm just hoping for the best.
Back to school tomorrow.. I'm so behind in everything again. I doubt I'll ever get caught up.. but that's life for ya. Haha.
Tw1st3dxDr3ams (9:34:21 PM): pssh, I wanna be cool.
BECKY, YOU ARE COOL. Because I said so.
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2005 30 January :: 11.59am
do they win
if you sit there and take it?
or
when you hit the roof and flip the fuck out on them?
when is it they win?
How do you win?
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2005 29 January :: 10.33pm
:: Mood: sick, but in a GREAT mood
:: Music: Meet Joe Black [the movie] on tv
Well, if people don't care about what I say, why read? Why pay attention to just some 17 year old girl that makes everyone try to feel bad for her because her life is so much harder than everyone elses. I don't think I said or implied that, but I did imply that you shouldn't think that your life is so hard, because things could always get harder.
People do read, and I think some people get mad because I actually have the balls to say shit that normally would not be said. Is that wrong to say those things? No, I don't think so. I say what's on my mind.. if you have a problem, please don't read. It's not hurting me any.
In other [sad] news, a few days ago my cousin Tiffany lost her baby.. she was 3 months along. She's not doing well. I feel horrible about it; but what do you say to someone when something like that happens? I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I don't want to pry.. so I'm not sure what to do. I'm scared to even bring Gabrielle around them because I don't want to set anything off. I would feel more terrible than words could express.
In better news my Gram is home from the hospital. She was only in for 2 days, but ANY hospital time is bad. I don't like when she's in the hospital. But she's up and ready to go to the mall already. [lol Kel] So I'm glad she is. That's why Gabrielle's up there right now, she makes my Gram feel better.. and plus it will be a year that my Pap died on February 14.. so that date is coming up fast.. no one is going to do well then.
I still have a fever or 101.4 and I'm coughing non-stop. I've been on meds for 4 days now. It should be stopping.. but I don't know. My mom is getting worried. But I think everythings okay. This is the first BAD things I've actually had all year.. except for my kidney infection when I was 5 months along with Gabrielle.
Kelly and I moved our birthday party to Feb. 5. Because of just a whole bunch of things.
So for the past week or so, I haven't been calling Jim. He'll call me but I'll only talk for a few seconds. I think it's starting to bother him, because he's calling more and more.. today he actually asked me to his house. I usually just say "Jim, I'm coming over tomorrow" or something like that.. So yeah, I definitely like how he's acting really cute and caring.. like it used to be. Now all we need is some together time withOUT his mom, or my mom. Just him Gabrielle and I. That's what I think.. I'm going to call him as soon as Gabrielle falls asleep. Right now she's just laying in her crib talking, cooing and just making little noises. Too cute. Way to cute.
I know, this is probably stupid.. but I kinda miss Jeff. [Jim's brother] Yeah, he was a little pain in the butt sometimes.. but he was nice sometimes to. Things are a lot different since he's been gone. I mean we weren't close or anything. And I really don't think that he even liked me.. I think he kinda disliked me; but anyways he was so cute around Gabrielle. Almost like he was a different person. I liked that person he was around her. But I know he's not coming home for a while.. and I don't really know what even made me think of him..
Amber had her baby today, Mason Ryan. Congrats Amber and Josh!
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2005 29 January :: 5.25pm
once again.. read >>this<< before you read my journal. k thanks.
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2005 29 January :: 2.51pm
:: Mood: bitchy
Once you enter highschool things change. Your best friend becomes a backstabbing bitch, your boyfriend becomes a prick, homework goes in the trash, cell phones are being used in class, detentions becomes suspention, soda becomes beer, gum becomes weed, bikes becomes cars, lolipops becomes cigarettes, lipgloss becomes makeup, french kissing becomes sex. Yeah highschool does change everybody.
I think it's funny how little 9th graders like to use words like "Muah" and "hun" okay, those aren't cool.. and you're not either. Or how some people get a lotta slack basicly because they're sluts that play sports, or how people think because they "give it out" they can get any guy they want, or think because they have seniors as friends they think they're "safe"? What is "safe"? "Safe" from being beat up? "Safe" from what exactly? I think it's also funny how just because I had a baby that I'm now considered to be a whore; but I've only had sex with one person. Yes I've had sex with Jim probably a lot more than most people would with their boyfriend of 2 years but that's my business.. not everyone elses. It's great how just because you miss school you're considered "skipping" haha, I'm sick you whore. I have a fuckin' doctors excuse. Call me, I barely have a voice.. and when I do get it back; I cough so much that I loose it again. It's rad how when the tables are turned and your boyfriend is caught cheating on you.. kinda sucks huh? It's halarious how everyone thinks one/two months of dating someone is SUCH a longgggggg time. Grow up; try 2 years bitches. It's not as glamorous as it seems. Think you "hate your Mom"? Try thinking what it'd be like without her.. My Mom owns a bar and is never home.. when she is home she's sleeping in her bed and the only time you get to talk to her is for 2 minutes on the phone a day and the only time you get to see her is when she's leaving at 11:00 in the morning. Asshole, appreciate your Mom.. who knows when she'll be gone, and when she is; you'll want her back. Think schools soooo hard? Bitch, try having a baby, doing homework keeping a house in order, 2 little girls from killing each other and keeping yourself sane, fuck off because it can be a lot worse than just having homework.
Stupid little whores think lifes all about sex, drugs, and getting in everyone elses business. Grow up a little.
COMMENTS ARE WELCOME, GOOD OR BAD. Leave it Anonymously if you'd like.
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2005 29 January :: 12.14am
:: Mood: TIRED AS HELL.. ahhh
Read.
Yes, read this song.. it'll make you think.
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what’s not natural? 80-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural. But we got pills for that. We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is… people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now. Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs? What’s going to happen to our porno industry? These women don’t just grown on trees. It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. Terrorists masterminds. Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think? They’re not masterminds. “OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?” “Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…” “Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”
Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day. The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004. “How’d you get through it grandpa?” “Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle. I’ll sit at a drive thru. I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the back. Take it! Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft? Of course not. You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think, “You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”
We’re in one of the richest countries in the world, but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard. People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it. Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless. I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum. People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date. I’m predicting some problems during the interview process. I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy. Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.
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2005 28 January :: 9.49am
:: Mood: blah
all my happy birthdays from people..
daddysbaby414519: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
anna banana15330: HAPPY BIRITH DAY JENA!!!!!!!:-D:-*
anna banana15330: ps ilove you!!:-P
cutegirl1012006: HAPPY BRITHDAY !!!
ch3rriXkiss3s: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Caster Troy 2k3: Happy Birthday:-D:-P
Tw1st3dxDr3ams: Happy Birthday Love!!!
vanished x heart: happy birthday! love yaaa! :-*
honey7child: happpy birthday!!
x Trisha Paul x: Happy Late Birthday!
ajenkins2005: oh yeah Happy belated birthday!~
Penguinattack22: hey! sorry I didn't IM you yesterday, but happy birthday!
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2005 28 January :: 3.52am
:: Mood: sick, coughing, tired
I woke up about 10 minutes ago.. I woke myself up coughing.
YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY. and I didn't even get a happy birthday from ANDY. *sighs* I guess I'm not good enough. On that note; I didn't get an IM from anyone on woohu. I guess everyone hates me. *looks around* :(
I didn't have cake and ice cream for my birthday like "normal" people do for their birthdays; I got Pizza Hut Pizza and my mom took a piece and stuck 17 candles in it, they sang I made a wish then I only ate one piece. It really pissed me off though because I TOLD George to get the "dinner for 2" at Pizza Hut which is 2 med. pizzas and you can get 2 things of breadsticks for like 17 bucks, which is pretty good. Because I wanted there to be enough so I could invite KELLY OVER.. but nooo- what the fuck does he bring home? NOT WHAT I SAID. He brings home 1 med. pizza,[that cost $16!!!!!] and expects that to be enough? Ugh, I was so mad! It's like "No, don't worry about what Jena said.. she only FUCKIN' EATS AT PIZZA HUT EVERY OTHER FUCKIN' DAY!!!!!!!!!!! But NO; she wouldn't know what the deals are." So Kelly, I apologize for not inviting you over.. I have stupid assholes that live in my house.
So in other news I was quite upset that Jim hasn't even offered to help watch Gabrielle since I've been sick.. I would have THOUGHT that he might come over and be like "Jena, you rest you're sick.. I'll take care of our daughter." But what do I get?? Nothing. *sighs* He didn't even come over to see me on my birthday yesterday. But hey; he called.. yeah..
No school again today.. sorry kids. I'll be back Monday.
My Gram's in the hospital again. I guess she's dehydrated, and she's very weak because she doesn't hardly eat anything, so we're all praying for her.
Amber is getting induced today; good luck Amber!
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2005 27 January :: 8.19am
:: Mood: sick
today's my 17th birthday.
*sighs* i'm sick.
lets xx hug <--AIM SN; IM me and tell me how much you love me/happy birthday.. that'll definitly make me feel better. :-P
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2005 27 January :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: None
School-First day
You have no id...well....you probably do if you know me considering I tend to make friends with depressive institutional hating weird people....so....Ill just say that school was unbelievably a whole lot shitter than I had thought it would be. The teacher, took 45 minutes discussing what we MIGHT do in class over the coming weeks. MIGHT do!? Seriousley, has the intelligence of teachers fallen that much that now our school curriculum is a per chance thing rather than a planned schedule? *shakes his head* Also...I know curriculum isnt spelt right, but Im so tired and my brain isnt thinking so at current I dont know how to spell that annoying elusive word, any suggestions would be appreciated *winks*
Anyhow yes...so if school continues to be this shitty I believe Im just going to do correspondence...probably end up quite far ahead that way... At least ahead of them anywho....But yes, let us hope that my co-ordinators realise that I will attend school little unless Im in correspondence. Also, habe a meeting about that place on Monday, quite far away :-( Might be going to stay at Loz's on Saturday...I really hope that comes through, its been so wonderful being able to see her this much and then it comes crashing down when school starts, kind of really a downer... But I think Im taking the two singles off tommorow....just too tired to deal with it....that and I really want to call Loz....We might be going to see a movie Sat as well.
Anyhow...Im off to bed....going to dream about Lauren some and then hopefully fall asleep to images of her hmmm? Night all.
Fade/Matt
Remind me to write some poetry/prose next time.
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2005 26 January :: 10.27am
:: Mood: sick
A pictures worth a thousand words
But not worth the words I need to hear
I miss you so much that it hurts
And tonight, I wish you were here with me
So I could make you see
The stars, they lay across the sky so perfectly
They remind me of
All the times, when we used to sit underneath them,
those summer nights
And fall in love
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2005 26 January :: 9.04am
:: Mood: sick
..No school again, I don't have a voice because I'm coughing every 5 seconds. I can basicly only whisper. Kelly stayed home I think.
I just want to get better.
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2005 26 January :: 10.03am
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: AFI
*grins*
Well, it...finally...happened. Not that it wasn't worth the wait...The feel of it, the emotion in it for me, I cant speak for Lauren in this instance but...*smiles* Yes...It did however, hurt her to the point of a tear, and she said it kind of burned afterwards. You can be assured that this made me feel like utter shit. I was hoping I had done it slowly and softly enough to cause little pain...I do hope its going to get much better for her, it should anyhow, following human biology it's only natural. She also wrote me the most....wonderful...love letter, which I would like to type up on here one day when I have the time...
Alas, I am finally going back to school, as of tommorow I am again, a torturous slave to the system. *sighs* This long...long holiday...was so worth it though. The freedom I have been allowed, the independance I have experienced *grins* The wonderful people I have obtained *eyeballs Lauren* Yeah you...Its been wonderful.
I also am to be moving into student accomadation in High Street sometime within the following one to two weeks, unfortunatley I am to have a house mate that I do not even know... It is however fortunatley a female...which hopefully means not trillions of trampy slutty drug addicted girls running through my place....And HOPEFULLY she is shy and hard working so theres not trillions of dickheaded geeky guys running through my place ;-) So wish me luck all.
I also intend to start writing again soon, Ive looked over some of my old stories and poems from past times. Just need to find the inspiration when Loz isn't around. *rolls eyes* Thats almost an impossibility.
Should be going to the movies today with Loz. Blade Trinity *drools* Blade trinity people! Anyhow....Id best be off, my sister is cutting me off. She did however let me go on here....Take care all.
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