:: 2014 6 July :: 10.51 am

well i will.
So. Over. It.

go

:: 2014 4 July :: 4.05 pm

your own personal jesus.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

- Albert Einstein

You want to believe that people have changed, that you've changed. In reality nothing has changed, it's the same old shit, the same old story. Just wrapped up in a shiny new package.

The shine of the package lures you in, change, it announces, I've changed, the situation has changed. Look at me! I'm shiny and new!
After peeling away the wrapper you look with disappointment that it's still the same.
This isn't new, you look at it in bewilderment. I disposed of this long ago.
Re-gifted with a red bow, tied just right.

The perfect package, how could it look suspicious?
Deep down though, you always knew. You knew below that shimmering surface it was still the same deep dark water. Same deep dark soul.

You knew.

The lure of the bow was too much, you wanted to desperately believe that it was new.
Maybe, just maybe there was a clear pond underneath.
Not a deep dark place.

You lied. I believed you. What a fool I was.

Truth, it hurts. Truth is you haven't changed.
You told me awhile ago, you make your bed, you lay in it.

You can't change. No matter how hard you try.

I refuse to be part of that.

go

:: 2014 14 June :: 10.02 am

It's all fun and games...
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in an infinite loop.

I keep doing the same things over and over, the same way. I keep telling myself it's human, I mess up, it's true.
But isn't the point to learn from your mistakes and stop messing up so often?
Isn't that it?

I've been on medication for almost a month. And I'm not seeing the change I expected. I did at first but that's dying away.
Which is making something clear to me... it's not just my depression causing the issues. It's the behavior that goes along with it.
If you're used to being a certain way for a long, long time, it takes time to get used to being different. And it's uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. So you fall into the same habits that make you feel safe because that's what you know.
Which is stupid.

I have a new lease on life pretty much so why should I spend it acting the same way I did before?

I keep asking myself that question and I have never been able to figure out an answer.

I am standing in my own way.
I am afraid.
I am afraid of failure.
I am afraid of rejection.
I am afraid of it all.

I shouldn't be afraid.
But it's new. It's different.
I've spent my whole young adulthood being depressed and miserable. 10+ years.
It's not going to fix itself in a week. Right?

I think sometimes we need to face the hard truth within ourselves.

The nagging inside me is saying "Be better. You can be better. Fly. You have wings now."

And I'm just ignoring it.

Like I'm ignoring my true feelings for that boy.

I did just fine without him for 6 months. I did great! Now he's back in my life and I'm slipping back into old habits.
Waiting... waiting... expecting...
Because that's what I know.

For the first two weeks, we were great. It was new it was different. Then we went back to square one.

I deserve better than him. He's married and attached. I don't want kids, he has kids.
Sometimes I think our relationship is an abusive one because I can't let go. But then again my view of relationships is tainted since that's all I've seen of the world.

Can he and I still be friends and I stay arms length away?

Maybe.

I love him as a person. Just not the situation he's in. Not that I can do anything about it.
He has faults. I do too.

He wants me to come visit, part of me really really wants to. Just to know what we're like together even if just for a week. Or else I'll spend my whole life wondering what could have been.
But the other part of me knows it's not going to end well for either of us.

Stop thinking. Stop.

Just take it a day at a time. In every moment, you have a choice.
Make a choice.

Leave the matrix or stay in.
Red or blue.

1 let | go

:: 2014 31 May :: 5.40 pm

heads we will, tails we'll try again
Do you believe in the universe? Soul mates? Or do you believe that we make choices that determine our destiny and we could be with anyone we tolerated as long as we worked at it?

When do you give up trying to find a reason and let it be?

I'm not sure what I believe.

Most of the time we're able to get over our exes right? I mean I've had ex-boyfriends, intense crushes, etc. and been able to get over them, it takes awhile sure but I've managed.

Not this one though.

Which is why I'm confused if it's just me or if it's the universe. Part of me wants to say universe so then I'll have an excuse but the other part of me says that it's me which makes me feel guilty.

We hadn't talked for 6 months, around Christmas time we had a huge blow out. We've talked off and on for the past four years, we were something at one point but then I expected too much. He expected too much and we hit rocky road since then.

He's been on my mind a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just in a I care about him way because I deeply truly do. I honestly don't think I've cared about a person more than him.
Every once and awhile a thought will cross my mind to get back in contact with him but then it passes and I think nothing of it.

Except this past weekend. I felt like I needed to reach out.

So I did.

And I don't know what to do. Because he's changed, for the better so far. So have I.

He tells me no expectations, just friends exploring life together and we'll see how it goes.

He loves me for me. He doesn't say it directly but he does between the lines.
He calls me. Which never happened when we were a "thing".

Tangent. He's married.

It's either really dysfunctional or we're meant to be.

We've never met in person. We've talked, skyped, texted, all of that.

I'm so unsure.

But then part of me is whispering take a chance, open yourself up and see where it takes you.

No expectations.

We're friends.

I can live with that.

He's changed. I've changed. And as I told him earlier, the reason I think our friendship is finally working is because we've both reached a point in our lives where we've become independent people who don't need each other but who enjoy talking with each other and being in each others lives.

I give up trying to figure it out.

It is what it is. And I'm glad he's back in my life. Because he means a lot to me, as a person.

Universe, you win this one. I fold. I'll let what happens, happen.

1 let | go

:: 2014 26 May :: 6.34 pm

oh well, i guess we're going to find out.
If you could switch blogs with any blogger for a week, with whom would you switch and why?

Tough question, since I don't normally read other peoples blogs. I read silly blogs, such as Cake Wrecks, EPBOT, Bloggess, and my friend Jen's blog, her's isn't silly though. Well, sometimes it is but mostly it's pictures that have magically been painted using only words.

Her blog is amazing, which is why I'd probably switch with her.
Switching with a blogger means I get the writing that comes with the blog right? Because if I didn't, then it would be pointless.

Anyway, the second half of the question, the why.

Her voice is beautiful, she uses words in ways I only wish I could. Every sentence is a work of art, or a finely handcrafted piece of a puzzle that when put all together creates a breath taking picture.

It's like stepping into her world, even if just for a brief moment in time. To be transported to an imaginary world that is only found in stories. The words I'm using to describe her blog don't hold a candle to the writing itself.

I want to have that magical world inside my own head and be able to express it as eloquently as she does.

go

:: 2014 24 May :: 6.53 pm

so much to talk about.
So I am pretty sure that my friends are tired of me talking about this so I'm going to talk to you all about it.

It's been pretty apparent from my blog entries that I go through bouts of depression. Not just "ho-hum I'm having a bad day" depression. The curl up, zone out in front of the television, don't get up to pee or shower type depression.
Sometimes it would get so bad that I couldn't get up and function enough to go to work.
I had a seen a therapist for about a year and half before we hit a plateau and decided it was best that I try to continue on my own for awhile. In among all of that I also saw a psychiatrist who put me on anti-anxiety and depression medications. I hated the thought of it. I hated how the medications made me feel. I tried them for a week and said fuck that, I'm stopping these and going to continue soldiering on solo. Which was actually working, somewhat.
What I couldn't figure out was that I wasn't enjoying anything anymore. I was just getting through. My runs had become a daily chore and less of an enjoyment. I ate too much to make up for the dulled taste I was experiencing. Food to me wasn't enjoyable, it was fuel, that was it. I would be chipper at work and then come home and not know what to do with myself.
I was a mess. I had friends start telling me they wouldn't talk to me anymore because I was so pessimistic. Which was tough to hear because I'm usually a look on the bright side of life type of person. I would call myself realistically optimistic.

A friend and I had been talking one day and I told him I felt like utter crap and that I had seriously been rethinking medication. The cognitive behavioral therapy had done what I needed it to do but it hadn't fixed the whole issue. Skills I had learned were being utilized but it wasn't enough. And that was so frustrating to me. I'm a fighter. I don't give up. I power through and keep going, even when shit gets tough. I ran a marathon with a fractured foot for crying out loud! I don't quit.
But I felt like I had failed.

So I made an appointment, it was a month and half away from when I had called. Gave me plenty of time to chicken out.
As the time for my appointment came closer, I got nervous. A voice in my head was saying you don't need medication, you can do this by yourself.
That was stubborn me talking.

I had finally surrendered and faced the truth that I had been running from for nearly 11 years.

While I was sitting in my psychiatrists office she told me that I was worse off than when I saw her almost two years ago.
That devastated me. Because I had been trying so hard to get better. As I told her, I felt like I needed an extra boost. We talked and came to the conclusion I may have to be on medication the rest of my life. Or the same pattern will keep happening. I'll get better then slowly fall back into it and not even notice until it gets unbearable. I'll keep wasting energy on a useless fight instead of enjoying my life and living my life.

I want to live my life. I want to put my energy into running, not having to drag myself out of bed to get dressed.
I want to learn to be a better cook, I want to be able to taste and enjoy the food.
I want to have focus.
I want to be who I'm meant to be.

I am not saying that medication magically will make all these things happen because I know it won't. I want it to give me the possibility to make it happen.

For the past four days I have taken my new medication.

And you know what?

I finally feel like my true self.

I can't explain the feeling of freedom I now have. It's as if a light inside me has finally been turned on.

I was running this morning and the whole run sucked because I was sore. And tired, from getting up last night to see the meteor shower (that I couldn't even see because it was cloudy).
The whole thing was awful. I'll try to explain this the best I can but in my head I felt like I had more power to say "Keep going, it sucks but you can make it." which is what I would say anyway but for some reason it felt like it held more weight.
Only metaphor I can think of is when you're gaming and fighting a monster with just your sword. You fight as hard as you can and maybe you knock almost all of the life out of the monster but it's still crawling along, reaching out with it's dark claws. Your sword breaks. And then you go to bows and arrows and the monster is still clinging to it's last little bit of life. After exhausting all your options, the monster finally dies but you're out of energy because you literally used all your resources to fight said monster.
Now imagine you get a power up on your sword. You still have to fight the monster, but it's easier. It goes down without depleting all your resources and your sword isn't broken.

That's what being on medication is like. It's a power up for my brain.

And goddammit. I love it.

go

:: 2014 24 May :: 10.25 am

do you want to be part of the crowd?
Don't want to be just like you.

A few self-truths I've realized over the past few weeks...

1. Having blanket approval is worthless.
2. There is always going to be a hater. Always.
3. Anti-depressants make me feel better.
4. I need to be who I need to be.
5. Investing in a few friends is more important to me than having approval from society.
6. I really hate shaving my legs but the amount of hair that appears is embarrassing.
6 a. I feel more confident when I have less hair on my body.
6 b. Also. Women who have hairy armpits gross me out. But good for them for not giving two fucks about it.
7. I am more best friend than girlfriend material.
8. I don't want to have kids because I don't want them to get my crappy mental health genetics.
9. People who post about all the great things they do are annoying.
10. Religion drives me crazy.
11. Facebook is overrated. I seriously might just deactivate it.
12. I have anxiety issues and the medications are making them worse. But I feel so much happier.
13. I would love to live in England.
14. My little sister got high with my little brother and I'm jealous.
15. I still have a lot to learn.
16. I finally feel comfortable being uncomfortable and failing.
17. I love change. I purposely change up my routine every day.
18. I love clothes. I give up trying to not have a lot of clothes. I love having a way to express myself.
19. I make lots of mistakes.
20. I went on a shopping binge last night and spent more than $500 on almost a new wardrobe.
21. Society is annoying.
22. I hate having to choose.
23. I am honestly excited about what is going to happen. I feel like a new person on this medication, seriously.
24. I don't have to fight it anymore.
25. I am finally free. At last.

go

:: 2014 11 May :: 5.48 pm

a letter to my mother.
Dear Mom-

I don't get the chance to say any of this enough. I am sorry. I love you. I'm sorry for how I abruptly left. I understand how much that hurt you. I'm the one person you counted on for support after your and dads divorce. I'm sorry I wasn't there when my little brother threw his fit and hit you.
But I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go off on my own. I had to leave the nest. I wasn't going to be able to fly without spreading my wings. The wings you helped me grow. If it wasn't for your strength and for your sacrifice I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I am who I am because of you. I am strong because you wouldn't let me be anything else. I am optimistic because you said you always have to look on the bright side of life, that things aren't always as bad as they seem to be. My heart is big because your heart was big. You gave us everything and in return asked for nothing. You put yourself in harms way to make sure we were safe when things got violent. When I was being bullied you marched into that school and you demanded that they did something about it. You wouldn't rest until they did. And what do you know? A new policy was instated, because of you. Instead of putting yourself first after the divorce, you put us first. You could have bought yourself a new car or paid off all your debt. But instead you made sure we had fun vacations so we could try and move on from the horror that was now behind us. You fought so hard for us in court to make sure we wouldn't be in harms way. When I moved across the country, you were mad and hurt. And I understand. Yet you still made sure I had money to make my rent and the ability to put food on the table. I was so stubborn and didn't want your help, I wanted to make it on my own but you were there every step of the way. When I'd call you in tears, you'd be mad for awhile but then offer advice or encouraging words. Every year you come visit, to make sure I'm okay. You send me care packages of canned goods and treats. Almost every marathon I've run you've been there to see me off, to hold me up after the finish because I can't walk. You've always been my biggest fan, when things aren't going my way, you always tell me to rally and that it'll be okay. You don't give up. You work hard. You always try and do the right thing, even if it leaves you hurting.
You've supported me every step of the way of my journey. Even though we've fought, yelled and cried. I always know at the end I can call you when things get tough and you'll be there.
Being a mother is the most difficult thing I can imagine. Sacrificing your whole life to watch your kids grow up and not need you anymore. Well mom, I need you. I will always need you. Maybe not right now but the next time I fall down, the next time my wings break, I'll need you to help stitch them back together. I don't always agree with what you say or what you do but I know it comes from a good place. And I know you'll always have my back, no matter what my decision because you raised me. And you know that it'll all turn out alright.

I love you mom. Happy Mother's Day.

1 let | go

:: 2014 8 May :: 8.32 pm

I have this thing.
About religion.
Not spirituality or belief, but religion.

For as long as I can remember I've been a spiritual person, except for a stint in my teenage years I was "FUCK THIS! FUCK THAT! THERE IS NO GOD! ONLY SCIENCE! RAWR RAWR RAWR!"

To me you'd have to be quite silly to not believe in one higher power or another. It could be Mother Nature, God or even just the universe.
But that's just me.

Many of my friends are of the Christian or Catholic faith which doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when they become all righteous about it.
I understand what it feels like to be called to do something. I was called to move to Pennsylvania, no joke. God spoke to me about it. It was somewhat scary.
But did I run around and announce it on Facebook?
Nope.
Quietly I went about my business and made it happen, even now I don't tell people unless they really ask about why I moved here. School seems like a sufficient enough answer for the general population.

But I have these friends on Facebook who are always like "God has blessed me with such a wonderful man, I'm so glad Christ will be at the center of our marriage" and so on and so forth.
That's great.
I'm glad you're happy.

It always irritates me. Always. It could just be jealously but I doubt that is the reason.

When I hear people just talk about religion and how their life centers around it, I want to scream and shout at them that IT DOESN'T MATTER!

What you believe matters. How you love matters. Who you love matters. How you live matters.

It seems like tunnel vision to me, they can only see the world through their religion. Everything is filtered through that lens.
What if that lens was taken away?

This is what I think you can either agree or disagree.

There is evil in the world, always has been, always will be because we were given choices.
You want that cookie? You can either steal it or pay for it.
Choice is yours.

God doesn't tell you to take the cookie or not. Or maybe he does. Point being is you don't have to listen. I didn't have to listen when I was told to move 2,220 miles from my home.

Let me try again.

It annoys me when people wave their religion in my face. Flaunt it. Say God gave me this! Or I've been called to do this!
Instead of announcing it, JUST DO IT!
Or better yet keep it to yourself.

I don't even know anymore. This is something that has always bothered me and I can't express why!

All I know is every religious status I read, I feel this tension inside, annoyance.
Maybe I'm frustrated they have a purpose and I don't?

No.

Let's try something else.

I believe in God. I believe in the universe. I believe in love. I believe in chances. I believe in reasons. I believe in science. I believe in choice.

I believe. But I'm not religious.
Because I can't stand what comes along with it.

2 let | go

:: 2014 7 May :: 4.12 pm

i think i need a taco.
Because the only things I've eaten within the past 24 hours have been a banana, a pancake, a cup of applesauce and 2 chai tea lattes. A taco sounds delicious. Mmmh.. tacos.

Now we're going to completely forget about my need for a taco and focus on all the stuff swirling around in my brain. There's just too much so this is a random purge and fair warning, it might go from one thought to another. Like how sometimes you have to fly further from your destination to actually get to your destination? Eventually you always end up getting there but it takes longer and most of the time it's more confusing. Well this entry will be exactly like that. Except at the end there isn't some fun tropical destination waiting, there's just a period. Or possibly an exclamation point. Or maybe some wise tidbit of information that will show how old my brain really thinks it is. You'll know the end when you see it.

This week is only half over and it has been the most frustrating week of my life. My friend replied to a text I sent with the following.
"You're having a rough week kiddo."

Yes. YES I AM! Thank you for noticing.

Let's list the reasons why I'm having a tough week. Ready?

1. PGH Half marathon Sunday, had to take a DNF (Did not finish)
2. Mom and I got into a tiff before she left Monday.
3. Got sick Tuesday, powered through work.
4. Got even MORE sick end of Tuesday and had to take Wednesday off.

I guess today is only Wednesday so that's where we're at. I'm sitting in my sweats, refusing to brush my hair or wear a bra because I feel like absolute shit. Well, I feel better than I did earlier. Less more like I got run over by a mac-truck, more like run over by a smart car.

The race on Sunday was an eye-opener for me. At mile 2 I was already struggling to rally my brain to get with the program. Then around mile 4 I sort of got with the program then crashed at mile 6 again and then managed to mile 8 before I waved the white flag. My foot hurt, my calf on the opposite side hurt, I was annoyed, grouchy, the crowd wasn't pumping me up, my brain was just like #*%!_+$(%*!. It was saying "Fuck you" over and over. And I listened and gave in!
Can't win every battle every time. Have to loose some.
I was still ashamed I couldn't finish and didn't stick around the post-race at all. I honestly didn't care about how my friends did, selfish I know. Being wrapped up in one's own head does that.
I had two friends that ended up finishing close to what I had wanted to finish, sometimes I wonder if I would have gutted it out if we had all paced together instead of them taking off. Part of me says I would have but then would have injured myself even further.
It all happens for a reason right?

I feel like taking a detour...

Lately, I've been feeling left out? I don't know if that's the proper term but we'll go with it anyway. Making friends has always been a challenge for me, I'd rather have a few close friends, like less than 10 than a whole bunch of semi-close friends. Deep conversations are more important to me than going out and socializing. Always have been, probably will always be.
Do you ever feel like the friendships don't always match? That's the best way I can describe it. It's complicated and confusing and the chances that this is only my insecurities talking are great but it's been bothering me none the less.
Some people I consider my best friends but I'm not sure they see me the same way?
I've had friends like this in the past and I've just ended up getting burned.
Frankly, I think I'm reading too much into it and I just need to let it be for awhile. Be a better friend.

Swirly thought sickness is taking over again. Being sick sucks. The train left the station and took my thoughts with it.

go

:: 2014 20 April :: 6.04 pm

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

1 let | go

:: 2014 20 April :: 5.42 pm

introspective.
Everyday I figure myself out a little more and am able flow with the current of life with a little more ease. It's like learning how to sail, or kayak. Or maybe even rally racing. You get used to the directions, the maneuvers, what works and what doesn't work. You realize there may be rocks in the road, or a steady headwind that isn't letting up but you keep learning, leveling up so when that obstacle presents itself next time, you're ready.

That's how I've been feeling the past few weeks. It's been difficult but I feel like I'm finally starting to understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going. There are things in this life I can control and there are things that I cannot. Being able to tell myself there is an aspect of my life I can control has given me a sense of peace. I have noticed a huge decrease in my anxiety over the past few weeks. Not because I've been ignoring it or controlling it but because I've been welcoming it and saying "Okay. You're here but I don't have to act on you."
Thoughts are just thoughts and don't become actions until we make them so.

I have a tendency to zone out of my life because I don't have the energy to cope or sometimes even the skills. So I watch a lot of TV, eat a lot of food and do a whole lot of nothing. Which some days is alright but other days, not how I'd like to spend my day yet I do it anyway because I don't feel like I can get my shit together enough to do anything else.

I've been training for a triathlon, trying to anyway and today I had "Duathlon Sunday" which is basically hell. 2.5km run, 20km ride then 2.5km run again.
Yeah. What?

I was definitely dreading it and got up this morning with the attitude of don't wanna. Don't even want to try. So I fell back into my old habit of watching TV and eating copious amounts of cereal. Until around 10 I decided to get off my butt and do the dishes because that was at least somewhat productive. I kept telling myself, I'll go do my duathlon after I've cleaned my apartment.

I looked at the sink full of soapy water and dishes and thought to myself "I have a choice, if I want to change, I have to make the choice."

So I let those dishes sit there and threw on my running clothes and set off on my adventure.

Don't get me wrong, parts of it were miserable. Like the last run. My legs felt like jelly. And it was hot out and I was tired and didn't feel so good.

But I made the choice. I got it done.

My friend is running Boston tomorrow. I've wanted to run Boston ever since I first started running. It's a lofty goal considering my fastest marathon is a 5:08 and I'd need a 3:35 to qualify. But I was thinking about it and him and how hard he's worked to get to this point and I realized something.
He made a choice. He made a series of choices that lead him to this point in his life.

I always felt I was powerless and unable to make my own choices and decisions. I'd always tell myself "Well, your depression is due to a chemical imbalance in your brain and you're stuck with it." Even though I may be stuck with it, I can make conscious choices to make it easier to deal with. I don't have to make myself suffer. I don't have to be the victim of myself.

I can make choices. I can make the choice to keep up on my chores, to get organized, to workout, to accept thoughts as thoughts and not put too much stake into them, to be myself, to be free.

I can choose.

go

:: 2014 6 April :: 4.21 pm

this is really difficult.
Lately I feel like I've been having more difficult days than good days. For a few weeks I was doing really, really well and then it came crashing down and now I just feel stagnate. Apathetic really. Which is scary to me.

I don't feel passionate about many things anymore. Part of me just doesn't want to be bothered with any of it. Annoying as that is to me because I'm not used to being like this. It's not laziness that I feel, it's just this inability to care.
Maybe I'm not trying enough, I don't know. The only thing that I've felt passionate about lately is Top Gear. Which is silly but learning about cars is this whole new world for me. I've always been interested but this is different.
My love of cooking has gone, my love of running and triathlon training is falling apart.

I don't feel anything!
I would rather feel sad, mad or insanely happy right now.

I guess I should put more effort into my life and then maybe I won't feel so depressed. I decided to move away from Facebook because I think that makes me more depressed. The internet in general is probably the worst invention ever.

I have a problem and it's starting to scare me.

Sigh.

go

:: 2014 5 April :: 9.31 am

say something.
So lately my passion for everything has pretty much died. I don't feel this emotional fire for much of anything. I've just been going through the motions of life trying to survive.

I feel stuck.

And I don't like feeling stuck, it makes me feel inadequate. I feel like I should always be bettering myself and moving forward. I honestly am trying but it feels like I'm turning my wheels in mud.
The only thing I've felt passionate about lately is cars and travel. Thanks to watching Top Gear. It igniting my passion for something.

I've been training for a half-marathon and a triathlon but lately the passion has been... dead. So training has been tough.

I don't know if it's a level of depression or just a funk I have to shake myself out of.

The only thing I really want to do right now is go drive a car really fast. Or maybe run through the woods.

IDEA!

go

:: 2014 1 April :: 4.18 pm

when people ask.
Whenever people ask me what I'm good at, I always want to answer "self-sabotage." Because it's true, I'm not just good at it, I'm great at it, maybe even pro!

I'm not sure why I stand in my own way half the time, it's like inner me wants me to fail. Which makes no sense because failure sucks and you'd think inner me would want to avoid that uncomfortable feeling. I'm honestly squirming in my chair thinking about it.
So then I get in my own way which makes me feel even more uncomfortable.
I have no idea what inner self is achieving here because to me it looks like a lose lose.

Inner me, you're losing! GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Sitting like a lump on the couch is a lose for you because it just stresses me out later cause I didn't get anything done. Which in turn stresses you out because I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
So you wanted to avoid stress in that moment? Well, good job inner me, you did but you made yourself more stressed two days later.
That's really planning ahead isn't it?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Oh inner me you want me to eat all the food because you think I'll starve? Alright.
Oh we're going for a run? And probably throwing up all said food, therefore making it all pointless.

See, inner me, you're fighting a ridiculous battle because you obviously have no idea what you're doing!
Now I will give you credit where credit is due. But we have to work together as a team and you have to trust me when I do scary things.
Like clean my house on the weekends, instead of sitting there like a lump. Because I am using my foresight and saving us stress later.
If it's any consolation, I want to stay here just as long as you. So teamwork. We need to work on that. And trust. You have to trust me!

So got that inner me?
Trust and teamwork.

That's on our agenda for the month.

go