<center> Serenity. </center>

Serenity.

:: 2014 27 March :: 7.55 pm

"I think society's emphasis on family forces us into relationships that are otherwise unhealthy. Sure, a long time ago, when people lived miles from civilization, family was all you had. There was a very practical purpose to sticking together. But now I have six million people in my backyard. Why should I be wasting time with someone I don't like just because they have the same last name as me?"

:: 2014 27 March :: 7.40 pm

the lies we tell ourselves.
Over this past week, I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching, you know that stuff that makes you cringe because it means you have to face your deepest hurts and fears?
Yeah. That kind of soul searching.

I've reached a few conclusions...

1. That perfection is the stuff of fairy tales and a waste of my time and energy. There are always going to be people who don't like me, who find my behavior annoying, who nit pick about this that or the other thing or who flat out just don't get me.

2. Being left out isn't always a bad thing, it just means you're different and sometimes that is okay.

3. Being happy all the time is impossible. Sometimes there are going to be days of grouchiness, sadness, just don't give a fuck, etc.
The important part is being able to be a functional human being even through those emotions.

There's more. But my brain just shut off. So I'm going to call it a night. I'm so tired.
I just needed to get something out there.

3 let | go

:: 2014 24 March :: 8.34 pm

critisms.
There is something about myself that I will never understand. I can criticize myself and it's okay but the second someone else does it all hell breaks loose.
Will someone please explain that?

Why is it okay for me to criticize myself for stupid stuff day in and day out but when someone else points it out, it's not okay?
Riddle me that.

I actually took the criticism pretty well. There were tears for about a minute before I told myself to tough it up, it's not the end of the world. It's just something that you need to work on.

"Progress is more important than perfection."
"Progress is more important than perfection."

In my head that sounds all nice and awesome but try and put it into practice my inner ego says "NO! We like perfection, we like striving to be something that we can never be. We like making you miserable."

Reality sucks. You say you can take it like a man but then it actually gets dished out and all you want to do is run into corner with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and just furiously stuff your face with it.
Oh you don't want to do that? It's just me?
Okay then.

I think the hardest part is taking the criticism for what it is, no more, no less. It doesn't make me less of a person, it doesn't make me any worse at my job, it just is something I need to be aware of and work on. That's what us humans like to do right? Grow? I like to grow at least. Or try to. Staying stagnate is boring.

Finding the balance is key here. I'm young in my career and this isn't even my true career. When it comes time for me to go to school, I have to get used to failing and just accepting it because I'm not going to have all the answers, nor will I have it all together all the time. I won't always know what to do and I just have to be okay with that. Professors and clinical instructors are going to let me know about things they don't like. And it's not my personality, it's not me per say.

Well, technically it is me but it isn't. There are behaviors and characteristics. Criticizing a behavior is different than a characteristic.
Behaviors ebb and flow with where you are in life, what you're doing, who you're with. Characteristics are those core parts of your personality that shouldn't change. They make up who you are. Behaviors are learned and unlearned. Characteristics are not.

My core is still the same, how I express it needs work.

And with that said, I feel more accepting of the criticism I took today.

:: 2014 23 March :: 4.25 pm

in exile.
There is always this denial in my head, that my world is always more rainbows and kittens that it really is.
You're doing fine the little voice inside says.
Most of the time that is true, however, in certain circumstances, it is not.

Like today for instance. No little voice in my head. The constant thoughts of food are NOT okay.
I am NOT okay.
And instead of fighting it, I've just sat with it and said "okay."
Because sometimes I get tired and need a break. The constant battle is a struggle. An annoying one at that.
Especially in terms of food and eating.

I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with getting enough fat, carbohydrates and protein. I think about food constantly and I would like to be able to think about other things.
According to this book that I've been reading, "Brain over binge" binge eating disorder isn't always due to emotional trauma or other issues, it is just a survival habit. It's the brains way of saying "Hey, you're not giving me enough food, let me eat all of this so I have something stored away when you deprive me again."
And the deprivation happens when there's a binge, so hence why the binge happens.
And it keeps going, in an ugly cycle.

Human beings are amazing creatures, we are built with this hard-wiring to survive and evolve. And our inner most primordial self has multiple ways of making sure this is always a possibility.
When my finances become troublesome, that's when I've noticed I binge the most. I don't think because I'm stressed out about it because I have money to pay the bills but I get anxious I won't have enough to eat.
Funny thing is, I will have enough, I just have to outsmart my brain and make it believe that by being more careful about my choices so I get the most bang for my buck so to speak.

I think one of my major faults as a human being is gluttony. If I had to choose one of the seven deadly sins to work on, gluttony would be it.
I am NEVER content with what I have, I am always wanting more or wanting a change.
I have a hard time just being.
I spend too much money on clothes, eat too much food, I am entitled to too much.
One of my friends was joking with me the other day when I said the running shoes I get cost $175 and he told me I'm high maintenance. But I realized it's true. I am high maintenance.
I love getting my hair done at the salon, even though it's way out of my budget.
I love buying expensive clothes, even though I could buy almost the same thing for a fraction of the price.

Part of me thinks it stems from not having a lot as a kid. Well, I had a lot but it was never what the popular kids had. I wanted the North Face jackets, the designer pants, the cute exercise tops.

And here I am wanting to get out of debt but I refuse to make sacrifices. That's my largest problem.

I am standing in my own way. I seriously have got to stop that.

:: 2014 16 February :: 6.52 pm

closer to love.
Sometimes I can't tell if I purposely make myself feel depressed out of habit. It feels that way but if that were the case, I would be able to pull myself up out of the mess or so I would assume. This morning I woke up and out of habit made a coffee-cake, while half awake. Because I wanted to eat, not go on the run that I had scheduled. And well since I was baking, I obviously had to make a point to watch Cake Boss: Next Great Baker. I spent too much scouring the internet for it until I found it. I made my coffee cake, ate a piece, thought hmm, this is good. And another, then another. And my stomach was like pump the brakes, I'm full! And brain said, nope.
This whole scenario continued for awhile, until I honestly felt so sick to my stomach that all I did was take a nap.
I then woke up and thought to myself, what the hell am I doing? This is a bad habit. Making coffee-cake while half awake is pointless, I enjoy the actual baking process so why take that away?

I figured out what happened. My brain was only trying to protect me. I was exhausted so it went on automatic pilot to give itself a break. Old habits surfaced and thankfully I recognized them. Pretty sure that's half the battle, recognizing.
So I decided I would try to take care of myself and salvage a piece of my day because that's what I deserve. I deserve to love myself enough to not let these bad habits rear their ugly heads.
I deserve love and care, from myself to myself.

Even though I went for a run, I still wasn't feeling out of my slump. I didn't want to go grocery shopping, like really didn't. But on my whole run all I could keep telling myself was that I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to eat fresh vegetables and fruit. I deserve to love myself enough to nourish my body.
I got my bum out the door and went to the store. Can I just say that listening to music while shopping is calming? You're in your own world, with time slowed down watching everyone else buzz by. I got what I needed, no more, no less. And decided to have a salad at Panera after. Not because I was rewarding myself for getting out but because my body was craving a salad and I love myself enough to give myself that.
One of my friends posted a picture with cupcakes that said "I'm not a dog, I don't reward myself with food."
That's my new motto. I don't reward myself with food. I nourish my body, I show it love and if eating a tasty salad does that, then it does that. (I honestly try to cook everything at home but there's something about that Panera greek salad that is absolutely delicious.)
That didn't even lift my feelings of blah.
My feelings of blah aren't lifting. They're just there, hanging in the air. I did all these things that make me feel better expecting it to go away.
I should stop expecting and just let it be.

1 let | go

:: 2014 10 February :: 8.59 am

madness.
I feel as if the fire inside me has gone out, not like someone dumped water on it out just burned out and died. How it happens when you leave a campfire before you go to sleep, slowly watching the glowing embers fade into black.
That's how it feels inside my heart. It feels black, dark and all enveloping. Not how I want to feel in my early-20's to be quite honest.
I had somewhat of a mental breakdown yesterday. I haven't been that depressed in a long time. The day before, I had a great run and had hoped that would have elevated my mood throughout the weekend, especially from Saturday on. But I should have known that something was amiss when after I came home from my run on Saturday, all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and ignore the rest of the world. I should have paid attention and taken better care of myself but I just ignored it. Which is what I have a tendency to do, ignore myself.
Then Sunday came and it was all I could do to get up. I got up showered, and then ate tons of terrible food for me. I was falling back into old habits and that should have been my warning. Sirens should have been going off going "weeoooh weeoooh!"
They probably actually were going off but I once again just brushed them under the rug. Cause that's what I do when I don't want to face things, just brush them under the rug.
After I took another shower, I lied on my bathroom floor. Unable to motivate myself to get up. I just lied there. I was trying so hard to do everything that makes me happy. Bake. Sing. Dance. Watch my favorite Disney movies. Watch Tomb Raider. Talk to an old friend.
And none of it worked.
I was pissed that I kept trying but it wasn't working.
I finally had enough and texted one of my friends who had recently opened up about her struggle with depression. She then invited me over for dinner and to snuggle with all her animals.
She didn't try to tell me to think a happy thought. She didn't tell me to do something I enjoy. She understood. I wasn't looking for someone to tell me what to do. Cause I know what to do and sometimes it just doesn't work.
I decided maybe I'd try to clean up again, I'd tried a lot earlier and it was a huge mess of fail. So as I was vacuuming, I broke. I just stood there holding the hose in my hand and started to cry. And cry. And cry.
I couldn't stop.
But it felt so good.
It was something I needed.
I didn't need to be happy, I just needed to let it go in that moment.
She's the one friend I have that doesn't make everything look sunshine and roses all the time. Because it's not.
I have been depressed for most of my young adult life. I remember it starting in my early teens and it hasn't fully gone away. It will come and go, ebb and flow, sometimes with reason, sometimes without.

I get so tired of people saying "Just think a happy thought, or do something you love."
Sometimes that doesn't work.
Honestly, when I'm depressed, it takes all my will power to get up and go pee for fucks sake. So do you really think I have will power left over to use on happy thoughts?
Nope. Not really.

It's real. It's a biochemical imbalance in my head. If I could honestly will myself out of it every time, I wouldn't really have much of a problem would I?

But in all truth, I feel like a fog has finally lifted from my head and my heart. I feel like I understand myself a little more and I can love myself a little more. I am getting inspired, I don't feel so dull and lifeless anymore. That's the worst feeling.
It honestly felt like there was a dementor sucking away my soul. I felt passionless, lifeless and just blah.
And no, it's not the winter blues! Because I get like this in summer too. We can try and blame every circumstance but the truth of the matter is it's something beyond our own control.

And I finally have a friend who gets that.

:: 2014 1 February :: 7.55 am

what may come
I did not fall asleep until 4AM this morning, thanks to eating a shit ton of bad food last night for dinner.

But I awoke having the most profound dream I have ever had. I am speechless about it.

I dreamt I was going back to high school after having graduated college and everything. I went back and saw people whom I knew but didn't recognize me. The classes I had were easy and I was happy with them. Except when I got to my math class. It was a logic class taught by one of my current coworkers, a PT whom I look up to and admire. I remember walking into the classroom that wasn't even a class room, just a small room with a treatment table of all things, a projector and a whiteboard.
I walked in, looked at the logic equation on the whiteboard and told the teacher I'm not doing this, I'm transferring into another math class, I've taken two semesters of calculus, I'm better than this. She looked at me and said, so you're saying I can't teach you something new? That you're better than this? I'm really offended.
Then she turned on the projector and it was a movie, of some Olympic sport, we were watching a famous athlete row it looked like. Except he had to get in the boat really quickly and put it into the water just as quickly. My teacher then asked me and the other two students in the class, did anyone else see him hesitate? Why was he hesitating? He shouldn't hesitate. I told her I hesitate sometimes, during triathlons, when I have to jump into the water or when I have to start running again after taking a walk break through an aide station. She then asked me what's the point of hesitating? Why not accept the challenge and just go?
So then I told her I'd be more than happy to take her class and accept the challenge.

I literally bolted up out of bed after having that dream.

:: 2014 26 January :: 7.49 pm

sometimes we just need to dance to the music we're given.
What role does music play in your life?

That's like asking me what role oxygen and carbon play in my life. Essentially without music, I feel naked. There's something about being able to listen to a song that matches your mood. Or a song that changes your mood or one that let's you be the creator of the story.
I grew up in a very music oriented household. Music was on all the time, usually classic rock, both my parents would sing to the lyrics. My dad especially, he would sing a lot. Once we were old enough, my mom got us into the music programs at school. She went out of her way to rent or buy us the instruments we needed. I remember being the most awesome kid in 4th grade because I had my own recorder. I learned how to play the flute and tenor saxophone and even tried plucking a few cords out on the guitar. I was never the greatest at it but I loved it all the same.
The instruments may have come and gone but my voice has always been there, that's one of the hidden talents I have, I can sing, and quite well. Not as well as I was able to in high school since I've been out of practice for awhile but I can still manage to keep a tune and not go off key.
There's something about music that is beautiful beyond comprehension. It can bring people together when words fail, it can expose emotions that usually remain hidden to the world.
My favorite part about it though is that everyone hears the same lyrics, the same rhythm, the exact same tune but takes away a completely different feeling or thought from it.
Music makes me feel more alive. It makes the world a more colorful place. I can't imagine what it would be like if it didn't exist.

:: 2014 25 January :: 11.39 am

things i've learned.
My friend posted a blog containing 25 things she learned and challenged us to do the same. So the past few days since reading her blog I've challenged myself to learn something new about myself. In between bus rides, long runs, short runs, sweaty yoga sessions and sitting still, I've learned a few things on my own.

1. I am introverted and that's okay.
2. I love to give without reason.
3. Winter is beautiful.
4. Yoga is challenging for me.
5. Probably because I have a hard time slowing down.
6. imperfection is freeing.
7. I have to talk to myself out loud to motivate myself.
8. Things are not always as they appear.
9. Chronic pain PT is my calling.
10. I listen to my heart more than my head.
11. I believe in karma.
12. The universe gives you a lot, even though it may not be what you want, you just have to accept it.
13. I would rather have one friend I can have a deep and meaningful conversation with than multiple friends to do things with.
14. I don't enjoy the company of really young kids.
15. Being alone calms me.
16. Death doesn't scare me.
17. Having my future up in the air does however.
18. We try to find meaning and connections in random things.
19. I love sincerely and deeply.
20. I am always optimistic.
21. And realistic.
22. I love giving people compliments and making them feel good about themselves.
23. Sometimes I wish someone would do the same for me.
24. The voice in my head is mean most of the time.
25. I tend to do things differently and take the long way home but that is okay with me.
26. Stillness needs to come from within oneself, not the outside world.
27. Silence is awesome.
28. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, always.
29. Little things upset me sometimes, like puppies chewing my shoes.
30. I don't like superheroes.
31. I don't feel the need to be rescued anymore.

2 let | go

:: 2014 19 January :: 8.15 pm

A love letter to all my friends:
To each and everyone of you, you are unique in your talents and in your gifts. It is useless to compare you side by side because each one of you has brought something different not only my life but the lives of those around you. Some of you have the gift of athleticism, while some of you have the ability to paint beautiful pictures, with words or color. Others of you use your voices for those who find themselves without. While some of you listen quietly and absorb the world around you, watching and seeking understanding. You all seek to make the world around you a better place.

:: 2014 19 January :: 6.39 pm

i feel the love.
Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not
come easily to you.

Ha. That's all I can say to that prompt, ha. Only because that is my current state of affairs.

I am trying to learn peace and balance. It is a constant every day struggle. Recently, a friend and I were discussing loneliness and how more often than not I just want to talk to someone. It gets hard to stay in my own head. There is company up there, company I don't want half the time. It comes in the form of degrading voices. Cannots. Not good enoughs.
I make a point to always run from it because that's all I know how to do. Run.
Instead of running, I am trying to learn how to sit and let the voice speak but not listen. It's as if I'm looking at that part of myself, shrugging and saying okay.
Who knew that one word would have so much power? When I finally am able to look at myself and say "okay", it's like the glass room around me shatters and the darkness is gone. Left is rolling green hills, blue skies and sunshine.

Along the same lines, I'm also learning how to not get upset with myself when I go through these dark valleys. In my head, I expect perfection, I expect happiness 24/7/365 and there needs to be the realization that as a human being that is not even remotely possible.

I have to let go of my perfection. That is what I am currently trying to learn and it's not coming easily at all. It's like pushing against everything that I am. It's a waste of energy I think, energy that could be put to better use doing other things. Such as taking better care of myself, physically. Doing activities that I enjoy, or putting it aside so I have the mental energy when I really need it most.

In order for this half-marathon training cycle to go well, I need to let go of my perfection and let myself be a human being. Flaws and all. I think that's what has been holding me back for the past few years, I've gotten wrapped up in the idea of a perfect race, a perfect training cycle, a perfect world, where everything goes my way and I need to learn to just let it go.

let it all go.
just give in to the universe.
free fall.

spread your wings.
give it a try
whispers your heart.
fly.

open skies
boundless above
eternal below.
soar.

fall
wild and free.
be you.

these wings belong to no one
no one else.

sun smiles, winds whisper.
we won't let you fall.
fall too far.
into the soft grass below.

catch me i whisper.
guide me.
let me fly.

:: 2014 15 January :: 6.37 pm

blurred lines.
�It�s never a good idea to discuss religion or politics with
people you don�t really know.� Agree or disagree?

This prompt is fitting, considering today during lunch, a few coworkers and I were discussing religion and politics. Coworkers whom I don't know that well but would like to know better.

I think that it isn't necessarily a good idea because you'll never know who will be offended with your point of view. However, I do think that it is something that needs to be done more often. We as humans have a tendency to live in our own little worlds and look throughout a finite lens. Everything we see is automatically colored with our point of view. Someone discusses a conflict happening in another area of the world, a side is automatically taken depending on who we perceive to be right or wrong. There seems to be a need to have an opinion on everything, to take a stance for every small problem. I understand the saying "Stand for nothing, fall for anything." But honestly, I think sometimes instead of standing and shouting, we need to sit and listen and acknowledge another persons perspective.
That is what makes us all unique, our ideas and perspectives. The way I look at the world is not the same as the person sitting next to me, nor is their way the same as the person sitting next to them. By discussing politics and religion with those who we don't know, we are not only opening our minds to the thoughts and ideas of others but we are offering them something that is difficult to come by nowadays. Compassion and understanding. When people have a voice, they have one because they want to be heard. They don't want to be judged or perceived as right or wrong, just heart. Just acknowledged. They want their opinion to matter, whatever it may be.
At least that's all I want.

Most days, I could care less if someone agreed with me and what I had to say. I have a voice. And I want to be acknowledged and respected the same way you'd respect me if I shared your opinion. We're all human, shouldn't that be common ground enough?

:: 2014 9 January :: 8.15 pm

fears.
You�re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe
what�s in the room.

I imagine an empty room, the only thing present inside is a mirror. Similar to the mirror of Erised, except instead of showing my deepest desires, it's showing my deepest fears. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm faced with the same image.
Me, alone.

Sometimes now and again I'll see darkness and a translucent light above, as if I'm deep underwater and unable to find my way out. But almost all of the time, it's me, just alone.

There is a difference, between being content with being alone and just being alone, alone.
In the mirror, I see alone, alone.
There is no warmth, no happiness, no love, nothing. It's as if the world around me has gone cold.
I fear myself getting stuck in the cycle of depression and not being able to get out. It's as if the ocean has over taken me and left me to drown.

I'm scared of falling back into where I've been.

:: 2014 8 January :: 7.06 pm

idols and ideas
Tell us about a teacher who had a real impact on your life,
either for the better or the worse. How is your life different
today because of him or her?

Growing up, I was always the favorite, according to my teachers anyway. I was quiet, studious, polite and sweet, something every teacher wishes all their students would be. It wasn't until high school that I met a teacher whom I clashed heads with.

His name, Mr. Corr. I remember when I got my sophomore schedule at the end of summer all my upper classmen friends told me to be warned, he was a tough as nails teacher and taught us high school kids as if we were in a college level course. At first, I didn't mind him because I would just sit quietly and mind my own business. We didn't start having an issue until the days I would cry uncontrollably in class and have to excuse myself in the middle of a test or quiz to get myself together. Mind you, during this particular year of high school, my parents were going through a rough divorce and I was a total mess as it was.
I actually have a vague memory of me screaming at him in class and then getting kicked out for the rest of the period. My mom made sure I had the tools I needed to pass the class. I've always been smart, I've been told on the border line of genius but for some reason, his class tripped me up on every science subject imaginable. Physics, I had a tutor, chemistry I had a tutor and even bits and pieces of biology, I had a tutor. It was difficult for me to admit that I wasn't the know it all I thought I was and that I actually had to study some material, I couldn't just coast by on my previous knowledge.
I was actually challenged.
And I was scared.

I met with him before class one morning and he bluntly told me that he didn't believe I was going to be able to become an MD as I had originally planned. That shook me to my core, teachers aren't supposed to say things like that? Are they?

But if it wasn't for my high school sophomore general science teacher, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. It was in that class that I first began to learn that crying in public is no longer okay and I began to learn how to control my emotions when they began to bubble. In my whole academic career, I've never had a teacher challenge me in quite the same ways he did.
Throughout college as I was taking my core science classes, topics would come up that no one else knew, except for me.
Because I learned it, in 10th grade science.
Because even though I got my worst high school grade ever in that class, I was forced to learn, I was forced to use whatever means necessary to keep myself afloat.
I had to survive.
And I did.
With a D out of the class.
But even though the letter grade says I almost failed, I feel like I succeeded.
I went to college the following year and excelled in ways I'd never thought possible. And now here I am sitting on a "high priority" wait list for one of the best PT schools in the country.

If only he could see me now. See what I've become. I think he'd be proud.

:: 2014 7 January :: 8.13 pm

round and round.
I think one of my new goals for 2014 is to write multiple times a week. It's something that I would enjoy becoming better at. I've always found words beautiful and have always wanted to express myself with them. It's never been something that I've been talented at, I can write a wordy thesis, or a cold-facts research paper but I've never been able to eloquently express my feelings.

Helpless
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at
the reins. When did you last feel like that �- and what did
you do about it?

Helplessness. That word to me sounds pathetic, weak, overused.
When did I last feel helpless?
Over the Christmas holiday. I felt helpless around my family, watching it all fall apart at the seams. Honestly, I felt the worst because Christmas and the whole vacation hadn't lived up to my picture perfect expectations. Whenever I go home, I fill myself with giddy-child like hope that this year will be the magic Christmas where everything falls into place. We all offer enveloping hugs and warm greetings, there's the smell of fresh pine in the air, candles flickering in the fireplace, home. But every year it's the same old story, there are sharp words exchanged, tears shed, voices raised and the child inside me dies a little.
I felt helpless with it because I didn't feel like I could change it. My inner child went and sat in a corner and pouted because she didn't get the tree, the lights, the wrapped gifts. My grown up self brushed it off with a shrug and a "Yeah, it's cool."
The power to fix it isn't solely mine and mine alone, I have to relinquish it to my other family members. Each of us has a piece of the puzzle that's important and without it, the puzzle can't be complete. You can look at the puzzle with it's little missing pieces and say "Meh, looks good enough, I can see the big picture." Sometimes though, the big picture isn't what counts as much as the small details. There are holes in our puzzle and I don't have the missing pieces anymore, I filled them all in.
That only answers the first half of the question though, when did I feel helpless. The second part, what did I do about it? Want to know the truth? Not an absolute gosh-damn thing. I could have turned that house upside and backwards, gone through pockets, under the couch, behind the bookshelves, I wouldn't have found those lost pieces. I usually think doing nothing is the cowards way out but in this case, there is more bravery in letting go. As I said, my family members need to find their own pieces of the puzzle and put them back. Maybe one day, just maybe when that occurs, we can finally have the Christmas the child inside me so desperately wants.