Some people learn by

Some people learn by

:: 2010 12 March :: 10.41pm

it is a tenuous thread to which we cling.

that thread is the moment. that moment is life. we live in the present tense.

and yet, somehow, none of us is able to quite realize it at the time. you look back and say, "oh yeah, hey - look - we did a thing there just then!" that thing was a moment. a point in time at which you were doing that one thing with those one people. that was a good time. hell, even if it was a bad time, you still remember it. and it is something you share. memories have this unnerving propensity to decay over time. and that decay - that shelf life - is what gives those memories their value. valuable moreso for being unique to the individuals involved, and the lack of likelihood of their passing it on to a second party, and that party's then furthering the cause.

memories die over the ages. it seems sad that we only mourn them post-mortem.

that is why when i die there better be a fuckin' party. because i want the only thing people to be able to remember is that it was a hell of a good time. in homage to a life of good times.

2 Opened Doors | Choose my Destiny

spud

:: 2010 10 March :: 2.34pm

why the fuck don't i have a job?

it might have something to do with the current recession.

or it could just be that i live in michigan, and it snows a lot. i didn't realize that our frequent snowstorms were part of the economic turbulence.

then again, if you follow THEIR snowstorms link, it takes you to a page that references monthly surveys of businesses and households. at which point all of the statistics and graphs and bullshit they can muster don't apply to me, simply because i've lived here for two years and not once have gotten asked by any survey whether or not i am gainfully employed.

i always hated stats. calculus just makes so much more sense.

Choose my Destiny

spud

:: 2010 4 March :: 1.01am

so yeah. think i have a cold of some sort. that's pretty bitchin'. shan tomorrow, dad friday, kevie-poo early next week. weekend's pretty open, but the neighbors might be having a fire. that'd be fun. i like fire. and stars.

actually, i made a very important (personally) discovery tonight about the stars that i often look at. if you know the constellations cassiopeia and orion, then you can find what i'm talking about. because right in between them, there is this weird curvy group of stars. these are all visible to the naked eye on a clear night. when i first saw it, i was most struck by its resemblance to a parabolic curve. and ever since then i've wanted to figure out what constellation it is, and if i could find a mathematical equation for the curve that would best fit that group of stars (have them all be on or very near it). i'm lazy so it'll probably never happen. and i'm discouraged by the likelihood that someone else has already beat me to the punch. anyway, i discovered tonight (through the use of these programs) that the stars i was looking at belong primarily to the constellation perseus. obviously, there are some stars of perseus that i have omitted from "my" grouping, and may have stolen one or two from somewhere else, but it's still a cool pattern.

but now i'm pissed because the entire time i was trying to watch for perseid meteors, i had no idea where in the sky to look. i guess now i know for the next time. but it's frustrating that i would have been able to, had i known the name of the constellation i've been looking at for the past couple of years already. but now i do, so there.

5 Opened Doors | Choose my Destiny

spud	:: 2010 29 January :: 10.20am winter camp is better than you. high of like 20 all weekend up there. should be fun. : P 2 Opened Doors \| Choose my Destiny

spud

:: 2010 27 January :: 1.01am

cable television
it's sad that this is what my life has become.

i'm watching a movie on flix. i hit info. this is what comes up.

Snake Island (2002) (a rating of one star is always a good sign):
creepy nonsense about killer reptiles terrorizing clueless tourists.

lmfao.

Choose my Destiny

spud	:: 2010 24 January :: 4.40pm :: Music: explosions in the sky - welcome ghosts (embedded) 2 Opened Doors \| Choose my Destiny

spud	:: 2010 20 January :: 7.55pm vampirezombieraptor vs. robotcheney discuss. 6 Opened Doors \| Choose my Destiny

spud

:: 2010 14 January :: 5.05pm

i just made a post on farmville that contained the phrase "asexually reproduce" and they censored the phrase thusly: "a***ually reproduce"

what the fuck?

edit:

i realized i forgot to mention that over the christmas holiday, i was offered a full time position drumming with the machines (that band i played with in grand haven on the 18th). as of yet, we have no gigs lined up, and are still working on compiling a set list. if you have any suggestions, please shout them out at the top of your lungs. or just post a comment, if that's easier for you. i think we're trying to stick in the oldies/rock/blues-type area, and we need stuff that's kinda danceable. not necessarily slow, but danceable. and easy, did i mention easy? i mean, i don't want this to be like actual work or something. ; ) just whatever you'd want to hear a band play while you're out at the bar. and the bar is full of "old" people.

Choose my Destiny

spud

:: 2010 13 January :: 10.05pm

i have a subwoofer/amplifier combo that i need to sell, so i can get plates and insurance on my truck.

it's a JL Audio 12W3 woofer in a custom enclosure, matched with a 250/1 class D amplifier. they are awesome together, and i am very sad to see them go, but it's cargo i'm not currently using, and making money is hard without legal transpo. so there you have it.

i paid over $300 for this setup when i bought it, and have taken very good care of it. i mean, it gets pretty loud, but i've never abused it. just don't try and win any SPL competitions with it and you should be fine. it'll warm up the bottom end of your stock sound, and actually take some of the strain away from speakers that struggle to reproduce lower frequencies. and maybe even shake your mirrors a smidgen.

if you're interested, just let me know. offer whatever you feel is fair, and i'll see if i can make it work. amplifier comes with all original hardware and packaging, for your convenience.

here be some pictures of the goods:

3 Opened Doors | Choose my Destiny

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

ah..
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.

Choose my Destiny