DO THIS BEFORE READING MORE: Add "Jessa" to your list of intrests. Why, you ask? Because Jessa is the Coolest person in the Universe, if you don't think so You Suck!!! Love you Jessa.
::
2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica
i think i'm a good person.
it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.
i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:
My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?
--------
all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.
it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.
as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.
and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.
puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.
it's bullshit, i'm telling you.
and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.
Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light
Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes
I heal my wounds with grief
And dream of you
And weep myself alive
Sleepwalking Past Hope
I hid the keys to unlock love's heart
To hold you in my sweetest pain and suffering
Everything's unfair in our lust and war Redemption beyond right and wrong
In our hearts love keeps sweet-talking to despair
And goes on sleepwalking past hope
All is lost in this war
And all we can do is to wail and weep to the saddest song
Sleepwalking past hope
I unlit the light to embrace the dark
To be near but not to turn into you my darling
Forever we're lost in our souls' storm
Reflections of each other's faults
I gave up long ago
Painting love with crimson flow
Ran out of blood and hope
So I paint you no more
My hell begins from the 10th and descends to the circle
Six hundred threescore and six
And from there I crawl beneath Lucifer's claws just for one last kiss
i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.
and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.
now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.
i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.
i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.
I've decided I can't do art anymore.
Not...straight art anyway. Like..drawing and painting and such. I can't help but feel creative in most things. But as for just plain drawing, I don't think I can do it anymore.
And I've also decided that I'm going to give up on almost everything. Except for pure friendship. And see where I will end up.