acidtears
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::
2008 4 December :: 8.53am
:: Music: "Someday(I will understand)" by: Britney Spears
Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby
Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 4 December :: 7.37am
Bitch, shut up.
You know, I tried to believe you when you said that you didn't really like him and that you were sorry for your actions. But, last night, hanging out across the street with you and the other two Sam's, that just got on my nerves. I really think you did it on purpose. Tried to hurt my feelings. Woo-Fucking-Hoo, you and Adam do shit. You better be prepared to hurt like never before because he won't date you just because you guys have sex. Some of the things you said last night, I just stared at you like "do you really think I want to know this?". It was just "me and Adam did this, Adam said this, We are going to do this, and look at what Adam did to my boobs" the whole time I was there.
Why in the hell did I find so much comfort in being friends with someone like you?
Why did I want your company in the past?
Last night made me realise that you are really a whore and a waste of my time and efforts. And today's your Birthday, but know what.. there will be no "Happy Birthday" wishes from me..nothing but sarcastic ones anyway. I save the real birthday wishes for my real friends. Then last night, standing there with you in Sam's breezeway, you told me what you were going to get for your birthday. "Adam's virginity". Then you smirked. Fuck you, you are nothing but a fucking whore. It doesn't really bother me that you and him are doing stuff, I got over that. What bugs me is that you continue to bring it up to get on my nerves.
But go on. Go on with your ways. Because I'm not going to be there when you turn around anymore. I'm done with you and your shit. You seem a bit pathetic to me and VERY obnoxious at this point. So good bye.
6 years means nothing to me. And obviously you as well. BFF's my ass. Peace out.
-Samm
2 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 3 December :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "It's all your fault" by: Pink
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful..
First time I talked to you in a few days. It was the first time you asked me how I was. Not the question I was expecting from someone like you. But, of course, the only reason you asked me was because I asked you. I hate that your only intention is to get laid. I hate that you only ask me how I'm doing if it's convenient for you. I do not expect a relationship with you. Why would I want one? You get jealous easily(and get this, we aren't even dating, imagine if we were), you think you are always right, you are a serial cheater, you are everything I need to stay away from. So why can't I easily break this chain between us? I don't even like you. So why do I feel stuck? To you. I think I might know the answer to that. I believe it might be because I'm afraid to be alone at night. I think that if I lose everyone else, and get rid of you, I will have no one to turn to. I know that's not true, but sometimes I feel like that. I cling to you like a security blanket and it's sickening. My friends know what you're like, and I do too. Why can't I listen to them and myself? But you know what's funny? Earlier when you called me "hun", it didn't make me smile like it used to. I didn't even smirk. I didn't blush. I didn't giggle. I think this flame has gone out. At least on my end. You're like poison to me. But I still continue to stay in your life, despite your toxic sentences and ways. I continue to say "I'm thinking of dropping him" to her, and she tells me I should do it. I know I should. And as bad as this might sound, I have someone else. Well, I don't "have" him, but things are going on. (Not what you're thinking) And I can't help but think, what happens if I lose both of you? I mean, getting rid of or even losing you won't be so bad. I could live. But, if things went sour between me and him, where do I go from there? I mean, he's the one who asks me questions like "How was your day?", "How are you right now?", "What are you thinking about?", etc. And guess what.. he doesn't ask me any of those things just because I asked him. He always asks them first. Makes sure I'm better than okay. And no, we are not "building a relationship", we are just flirting, but you know, at least he is nice enough to ask me those questions. Instead of just "What are you wearing?". I've dug myself this hole, and now I plan on getting out of it. It might be a little bit hard to climb back out, considering the hole is 11 feet deep and I'm only 5 foot 5. But, I am damn sure that my Bestie will help me out. She will reach her arm in as far as she can and pull me out herself. Because that's what we do for each other. We understand that we dug our holes ourselves, but we are still willing to pull each other out. And if she ever gets into a hole too deep, she needs to know I will pull her out. She's everything and more I could ask for in a Best Friend, and I love her for it.
So Jess....will you help pull me out?
Because I'm in way too deep.
-Samm
2 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 28 November :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Year of the Cat" by: Al Stewart
When your eyes turned grey, could it be I made them shine awhile?
I need to get away. I need to get out of this house...soon. I'm tired of being cooped up and bored. I need social interaction other than MSN and Eric on webcam. I try making plans, but it seems lately that something always goes wrong. Tonight, I need to get out of here. Leave for a while. But, I'm not sure how that's going to go. I don't like admitting this really, but, I don't have many friends anymore. I mainly have two. I don't have many others. Kayliegh, and Jess. I used to at least hang out with Aubri during the day, but, since that incident I don't talk to her much. My sister tells me things like "Aubri asked how you are...and she said hi". Whatever. But, I don't have much else to update about. Bye.
-Samm
5 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.
Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey
(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
-Samm d'Massacre.
5 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher
music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...
how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.
"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".
That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.
It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.
But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.
-Samm d'Massacre
2 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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acidtears
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::
2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused
I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.
Give her a warm welcome, everyone!
Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.
So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.
[edit :: 3:46am]
Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.
I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.
But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.
Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.
Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.
My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.
I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.
My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.
At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.
So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.
Thanks.
* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]
5 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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jaganshi
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2007 12 January :: 4.48pm
I live, ho-bags!
Anyway. I have not completely forgotten you, and there is still much love in my heart for Ye Olde Woohu.
I know several of you roleplay, so I thought I'd pop in and let you know that my forum has moved to a new, more accessible location.
how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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Jaganshi
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2006 31 July :: 10.06pm
Went to India for two weeks for a school trip.
I'm back. Our studies in ayurveda are basically going to bore you, so I won't bother you with those. Our touristy stuff I can tell you later.
I can give you a fairly good representation of one crazy day in India.
We were on our way from Delhi to Agra in a rented A/C taxi. Dr. Bauman had been chatting with the driver in Hindi, because that way they rip you off less and are less inclined to drive you to places you don't want to go just to get a commission from some shopkeeper in case you buy something.
He passed a roadside rather-shady poll collector. It's hard to tell the government officials because they look just like local people who are simply pissed that a road was built and want to take your money to get back at The Man. He passed it, but thought better of it and went back after driving about half a mile down the road. We were left in the middle of a dusty road full of other vehicles.
Dr. Bauman turns around. "So, since it's been a while since the first time I was here, what are you guys really finding interesting now that you're here?"
"What's interesting?" was the general response. "What do you mean, have we seen anything interesting?"
Then, the circus began.
A woman approached the car with a handful of beaded necklaces. "Beads, madam. Madam. Madam. Hello." She tapped on the window. She called through the window. She clinked the beads against the glass window where they rattled and clattered and jingled. No amount of telling her no in English or Hindi would dissuade her.
A man walked by on the side of the road followed by two bears on leashes.
By this point we were laughing hysterically, far too involved in how rediculous this was to actually pay attention to how many rupees the necklace woman wanted.
A fakir arrived on the scene, fully arrayed in robes, turban and beard, coming from behind the car with monkeys trailing behind. One or more of them leapt up on our van, clinging to my window (Reread. MY WINDOW.) and gyrating violently in a distinctly sexual manner. We now had the beadwoman, two bears, and a humping monkey seven inches from my face. The laughter contined.
When the fakir noticed that we remained unenticed by his monkey, the animal disappeared. He crept up to my window and began stroking it muttering something about rupees. I looked up and we all collapsed in laughter again. Noticing we still hadn't opened our window and given him money, he raised up to the window a damn cobra. A cobra, people. As Dr. McGrath said, "If he thinks showing us the snake is the best way to get us to roll down the window he has really misjudged his audience!"
The tears flowed, the laughter continued. Still probably not the reaction he was hoping for, but he really didn't want to give up.
Then our driver came back to rescue us as a clown (yes, a clown, in full getup and a plastic clown mask) walked down the street away from us. I guess someone told him that the circus was over and the foreigners were on the move.
See anything interesting, Bauman?
Nah. Who are you kidding. *whistles generic circus theme and walks away with her hands in her pockets*
2 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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Jaganshi
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::
2006 9 May :: 9.48pm
So. Obligatory end of year post?
Sure. I'll do that. I have to do something to give this year some closure, after all.
I've spent another year at Butler and found that some things never change.
One, I will never ever have enough money. I will be perpetually screwed financially, and the best I can hope for is to survive up to the point where being screwed by Butler is irrelevant in any immediate sense. This is a result of the fact that my parents are changing their legal residence to New Hampshire, where they live. Up until then, we've taken advantage of various military loopholes that allow me to be an in-state student. My senior year I lose at least four thousand dollars in state funding. However, I won't have to register for classes again, and maybe I can save up to help defray that. I won't know until the time comes.
Two. People are the same no matter how old you are or where you find them. Many people are worth talking to, spending time with, even loving. Others are petty, greedy, and generally not worth any of the above. The people I've found are often variations on the same theme. These don't beg for respect. They take it. They simply are to be respected, without any need for them to cry out, "I told you so." I've met a few of these this year. Some people are distractions, but these new friendships... they are the diamond in the ashes, which I take in spite of you.
Some things have changed, though.
One. I'm becoming both more selfish and less self-centered if that makes any sense. I consider what I want instead of what is expected of me. I will not be guilted, manipulated, bullied, or abandoned when another more useful commodity comes along. My autonomy is coming along a bit. However, with this growing freedom is coming the realization that I don't have to need people to be around them. I don't have to be using them as a means to any end. It's okay for me to value the company of another person. It's safe to value the needs of others if I keep my head about me and remain conscious that their needs are not my needs. I don't need to mortgage my identity to anyone else to be relevant, but I can lend the identity I've chosen to the causes I value. The distinction may seem small, but it's a step in the right direction.
Two. Summer vacation isn't looming on the horizon as a three-months span in which life simply.... stops. I can spend that time with a young man I love very much, knowing that he loves me and is glad to have me around. I can go to my parents' house just long enough to see my cat. I can go to India. I can go to Ohio and get a job so that I can stay with Brian. Small sacrifices in order to gain everything worth working for.
Three. As I become more expressive of healthy emotion, I'm learning the difference between what's helpful and what isn't. I'm becoming a little easier to be around, very slowly and very gradually... but I'm getting there. I figure it's the least I can do for the people who stayed. They deserve that at least. The others? Let them remember me as they wish. I do not regret anything I have done. I was not unjustified in my scorn or dismissals all these years. I still have not been proven wrong. I simply intend to treat the people who love me with more gentleness than I've previously been capable of.
How are those for some changes? I am the same as I was, but greater in many ways. I will make different choices in the future than I have in the past, but the past is still there where it always was. I do not regret a moment of it.
3 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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Jaganshi
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::
2006 30 April :: 2.34am
Blue Roses!
For my own record, but I really thought someone else might think this is nifty, too.
2 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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Jaganshi
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::
2006 28 April :: 6.16pm
You know what?
I've been away for a very long time, and now that I've come back, the things that were bothering me seem to have gotten a bit better.
The people I'm watching are writing entries that are more specific. They were always personal, but people are actually saying what's going on now instead of merely telling me why everything is pain and suffering when you're fourteen years old and damn doesn't it suck.
The grammar's gotten better. Even in journals I'm not watching. People are using English, and it gives me hope for the internet.
I'll still be on livejournal, but for those of you I used to know: I may be around more, trying to get to know you again.
4 punched that stupid owl in the face
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how many licks to get to the tootsie pop center?
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