::
2010 19 May :: 1.58pm
:: Music: Life After You - Daughtry
I used to think that I was going to be one of those people that lived alone with 50 million cats and grew old by myself.
Apparently, someone else had a different plan for me.
I never imagined myself being pregnant. Always swore it off and said it wasn't going to happen.
And no, I am not that girl that says "OMG! How did this happen?"
But something about being pregnant has changed me, other than the obvious things.
My outlook on life hasn't really changed, yet.
I still think the world is cruel, people are selfish, and I am more scared to raise a child in this world than I am to live the rest of my life in it.
I had to work my way up to taking a pregnancy test.
I was scared for the result, I had my hopes up for both possible answers.
Part of me knew what the test was going to say, but a piece of me doubted it.
Then for the next few weeks, it didn't seem real to me at all.
The only thing different in my life, was that I hadn't had a period and I didn't crave mountain dew.
At my 11 week appointment, the situation changed. I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and my hear grew a million sizes.
I knew it was real, but it still didn't feel real.
Since then, I have had cravings, ripped the ass out of my favorite jeans, cried an immense amount of tears about my pants not fitting, and grown out of all of my bra's in a weeks time.
I am becoming more annoyed with people, and have been having dreams that make it seem like I am smoking crack before I go to bed.
I had my 15 week appointment today.
I heard the heartbeat again, had blood drawn to test the baby for certain things, and scheduled my ultrasound.
Now things are becoming even more real.
I cannot wait to meet this little nugget.
I joke about my fears of ginormous ears, and reddish hair.
Now my BIGGEST fears are, that my child will hate me, be as shallow, selfish, emotional, and messed up as me.
I HOPE that my child is as athletic as his/her dad, as smart/funny as me, but knows that it has a HUGE family from both sides that will love him/her unconditionally no matter what.
I know I can't be a perfect parent, but I just want to be a good one.
I want my kid to understand that it's not always what you have in life that counts.
been feeling really weird and detached the past couple of days. not sure why. been more sober than usual (though still not completely) so maybe that's part of it. also, my dear seester is gonna be sixteen in a couple days. makes me feel fucking old.
also also, still no job. sucks ducks, man. need a job. handyman scheduled me for like 2 hours on friday this week. awesome. there's 10 dollars that i'll see in two weeks. fucking bullshit.
just not feeling very enthused about much of anything in general. would like to be excited about something - anything - soon, very soon.
almost done with school for the semester... thank god. and it seems funny to me how many people are now photographers that I know. at least we all have our own niche, which makes me not as bothered by it.
This week shall be filled with cleaning and rearranging... then off to MI for Garrett and Amanda's wedding. I need to find a job like asap, but right now i feel way too sleepy to even think about what i have to do for my exam in 30 mins.
everything will pan out... i have to believe that much.
i'm quite amused by the way that people lie to make others feel better after a breakup. Ah well, perhaps in the end we shall find that the truth always comes out... but i'm not going to be the bitch to ruin everyones day!
The end of the semester is nearing and I am ready for it. These next few weeks are going to be a flurry of activity.
I just finished my last French Oral Exam about forty minutes ago. I am actually sad that I'm not continuing on in French, but I don't have the time. It seems like a waste that I'm just stopping after all the work I've put in over the past two years, but I need to keep going. If I just stopped to work on whatever tickled my fancy, I'd never leave college.
I have to meet with my academic advisor in a few hours to have him sign a modification of my major. I just need him to okay a few switch arounds so that I can graduate. When you sign your major they make you pick what electives you want which is dumb because when you're a sophomore you don't even know what you like and what classes will be offered that fit into your schedule.
I have class at two and three-thirty and get to present a paper on The Role of First Lady shaping policies and attitudes in the United States. After that, I have a review for Ancient Literature and a close reading paper to turn in.
I have a review session for Social, Liberalism, and Fascism at 8pm to finish up a study guide.
Tomorrow, I get to go to the Office of Student Life at 9am to find out if I am in the top ten for CMU Homecoming Ambassador for next fall. Then, it's off to the final Kappa Kappa Psi meeting of the year to finish up elections and install new officers. Finally, I have an interview at the Writing Center at 5:30pm.
Next week I have four exams and the my surgery on Thursday for my acid reflux. I guess I feel a bit indifferent toward the surgery. I've been living like this for so long that I don't really want to get my hopes up. The surgery does work in most cases, but there is a chance it won't. At least it will be a chance for me to relax during my 23 hour hold and get some intravenous pain medication.
Then, in just three weeks, my summer classes start. It's hard to feel excited about the end of the semester when I'm not really going to have a chance to relax; BUT, I would rather be taking summer classes than working at Meijer forty hours a week killing my soul.
Whatever may come, may come.
Whatever will be, will be.
I will keep going, I will survive,
Because all I have is me.
