:: 2004 8 July :: 11.32 am

1. Call Dan Cramer
2. Call Jess
3. Call Mom
4. Call Dad
5. Call Brenda
6. Call Donna and Chub
7. Mow Lawn
8. Take Shower
9. Play Estelle
10. Stop Feeling Sad

5 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 8 July :: 12.06 am

What was the last...
time you cried::	last night
time you laughed::	a few minutes ago
person you hugged::	dani
time you kissed someone::	last tuesday
swear word you said::	fuck
song you listened to::	accidentilly in love-counting crows
book you read::	i don't remember, probably the da vinci code
word you said::	it
dream you had::	it was about a gun and caleb and a river and a lie
person you IMed::	troy
person you talked to::	rachel
person you missed::	caleb
person's house you visited::	jess b's
gift you gave::	i bought my mom a dragonfly nick nack
email you sent::	i forwarded a picture of aaron to aaron
person you loved::	caleb
time you were physically injured::	i scrapped my foot on the bottom of my dresser
time you were scared::	today
time you were mad::	today
board game you played::	scrabble
picture you looked at::	a picture of aaron
car you drove::	my neon
store you went to::	simon and shustersasdfd----the book store
phonecall you made::	i called matt yesterday
homework assignment you did::	probably something for history
person you told you loved::	what kind? cause i told jess wilde i loved her, but i don't want to do her. . .much
thing you bought::	a sad kind of book
thing you had to drink::	gatorade-fruit punch
think you ate::	breadsticks
movie you watched::	miracal? that hockey movie that broke
TV show you watched::	i'm watching crossballs right now
time you were annoyed::	today when i was folding boxes
time you were sad::	right now while i'm thinking about my
last candy you ate::	i had a black cherry war head at work
shirt you took off::	my stripy one that i got at pennys for five dollars
makeup you put on::	mascara
wish you made::	that this is just a break
present you recieved::	i don't remember, what counts as a present
thing you picked up::	a donut stick
person you thought about::	caleb
website you visited::	woohu.com
emotion you felt::	wasted
chore you did::	i cleaned the tub
time you got in trouble::	last night
person you danced with::	jess and i were freak dancing
time you went swimming::	monday
thing you drew::	pirates
time you brushed your teeth::	this morning
sport you played::	wrestled with kevin
child you played with::	sam
time you smiled::	like now
smell you smelled::	pizza-ew
job you had::	pizzaist
time you were shocked::	this afternoon
animal you saw::	dogs
lyric you liked::	the don't know they're lining up to go insane
thing you heard::	tv
weather you were out in::	warm
thing you regretted::	not running after the car or running in front of it
thing you were thankful for::	my friends
hair product you used::	vo5 oasis
socks you wore::	my turtles
pants you wore::	the leis that are too big
time you buttoned a button::	on my pants? or shirt? or someone else's shirt?
time you skipped class::	while i was in 10th grade
stuffed animal you slept with::	boom, but he made me very sad
time a picture was taken of you::	a couple of months ago
time you were lonely::	right now
time you were inexpressibly hyper::	when jess and i were playing the wheel
advice you gave/were given::	time heals all wounds. . .i wish people wouldn't say that
time you felt loved::	todayish
compliment you gave/were given::	you're nice?
law you broke::	i was speeding
radio station you listened to::	grd
person you had a deap conversation with::	deap? kerry, but i'm not sure if she counts. . .i'll say sam
time you stayed up way too late::	sunday
comic strip you read::	luan
toothpaste you used::	aim
card game you played::	killer
thing you wrote by hand::	a little note to myself
thing you sent by way of snail-mail::	my band camp app.
kind of gum you chewed::	koolers
person you had a crush on::	jessica benzer
reason you were stressed::	moving and so on
time you were glad to be done with a quiz::	never

The Last Time... brought to you by BZOINK!

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 7 July :: 9.50 am

No matter how much I try, I cannont hate Kelly Ripa. She's actually kind of funny.

And eleven is a weird number.


Also, some advice: If you're going to leave a gun on someone's bed as a way of saying that you actually showed up please leave a note. And leave it on the right bed.

4 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 6 July :: 8.25 pm

I can't believe it. It really happened. My mom was yelling at me about fabric softner.

And Ryland is talking to me. He doesn't ask to change the channel. So we watch dumb movies about mosquitos. Forget the pants.

I am white trash minus the tube top. In a few weeks I will be fat and I will be smoking.
I live in a manufactured home.
It's dark and it's not mine.


I went to the field and wasn't afraid of snakes. I think I died.


A boy called. No one knows who it was.

Because:
1. People answer the phone before the caller ID can pick it up
2. People don't bother to ask who is calling, they just ASSume.
3. If the caller ID does pick it up it gets erased and no one remembers to tell me that a boy called.

I can't breath and want band camp and my room and no sheets on the couch and a light bulb in the fridge.

I want to not hate my mom.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 6 July :: 10.48 am
:: Music: usher on vh1

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 5 July :: 8.06 pm

Thirteen


Okayaoakldjadf9asdfu

I love the 90's is in less than seven days
jess and I are going camping
i got a neat sunburn
payday is this week
i'm probably growing

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 4 July :: 11.47 am

Two weeks



COME BACK!

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 3 July :: 6.38 pm

What's now?

Like 15.

I've got a lot to say and not enough motivation to say it. You know. Crappy metaphors and junk. References to ambigous events. Lists.







i love the 90's is july 12th!

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 1 July :: 4.30 pm

17.

stomach hurts.

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 30 June :: 7.57 pm

someone come over to my squat hut.

it's really fun!

we can play in the gently lapping swamp or we can gouge our eyes out with something creative!

799-0733!!!!

free foot massages!

8 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 30 June :: 2.27 pm

Eight teen? missing.

frick.

I hate the new house. But we do get Bravo and Comedy Central.

Mom wants me to aid in the dismantling of our house. I want to. . .not.

someone needs to come to their senses and it's not me.


every feeling is normal and feelings don't last and there is no overreaction.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.08 am

The number one reason why I loovvee Jessie Wilde:

She respects my eyebrows while at the same time knows why I hate them


This week:
Monday-Emily
Tuesday-Gym, Kevin
Wednesday-Jess B
Thursday-Gym possibly Jess W
Friday-Phil? (working)

(twenty)

7 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 27 June :: 10.11 pm

I guess I'm just this skinny white girl from a town that no one has heard of and looks like she's twelve.

But people like to hit on me.


ha ha hahhhahahhahahahahaaa


NO MORE ASSHATS!!!

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 27 June :: 1.52 pm

Hooher! My mood is being enhanced!! Wowie!!!

Someday my daughter will be really sad and I'll tell her that I was really sad once too, but I turned out alright.

Then I will realize that I am talking to the lamp with a burned out bulb.



Je ne se quois. Having a purpose makes me feel alright. And when I'm not alone it all seems funny and normal and easy to talk about.

It sucks that there are so many constant reminders. Almost everywhere I go I get the slight upset stomach.

someone make me forget.

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 27 June :: 12.09 am
:: Music: m5

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 26 June :: 1.19 am

That's alright, I'd rather not do this. True to every sense, it's wrong.

Something smells like chicken feed, it's cold, and there are twenty-two more days of fun.

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 25 June :: 6.17 pm

No, actually I'm not okay.

I feel defective. If I'm such a hot commodity why would anyone feel compelled to leave?

Even the knowledge that he'll be prematurely bald doesn't make me miss him less.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 25 June :: 10.14 am

23 days today.

I still don't feel so great, but I've come pretty far. Esp. since it's been a cool week.

and i would also like to mention that Jessie the Wilde is the person who I am in lurrvvee with.


The Sarah says:
do you like how nothing i'm saying is not makcings sneses?

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 24 June :: 12.19 am

So now it's twenty-four and i'm being very not like myself. so much for a mourning period.

as long as it's just one of those things where that's as far as it goes then i'm pretty cool with it.

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 22 June :: 10.54 pm

so nearly twenty-five days.

new schedual:
monday-babysat, dozed, cried, went out for pie with mom, barb, amy, hutch. did not eat the crust. talked to a lot of people online.

tuesday- babysat, dozed, attemped to curl someone else's hair which was a failure, drove around a lot. realized that i am not so pathetic that i need to volunteer at the library, but i am a big enough loser that the librarians have me recomend books to other people because i am a prolific reader. ate a taco then went to matt's hoose. cried a little, but did not have any toast.

wednesday-i'm going to meet brenda, go to the gym, go to the doctor, go to walgreens, then have nature date with kevin.

THURDSday- mitch claimed this day. causual snuggling ensues. then off to work. also it's payday.

friday-still open. will probably go to the gym. unless someone else wants me. i'll start the bidding at free.

saturday-ellie date. then work work working

sunday-dad's hoose. i'll probably spend the night cause i don't have to babykill the babies on monday/tuesday for TWO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL WEEKS. The money is probably not worth the boredom.

and i have to find time to:
clean my car
practice estelle
buy hose/nozzle
bring money to robin (probably tomorrow)
wear contacts
take calcium tablets
buy new shampoo
clean room
organize a beach party

here's this for being realistic:
obviously he had to leave me because he is spider man and had to choose between being with me and, thus putting me in danger, or loving me from afar while keeping me safe from the green goblin. he's choosen the latter. I WANT THE FORMER.





boys are easy to trick anyway.

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 22 June :: 1.35 pm

at least i'm not posting lyrics. One of those three doors down songs is a good one though. but i am listening to b93.

TWENTY-SIXXXXXXXXX!

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 21 June :: 6.24 pm

Missing you fiercely. Still. Times 27. Come back now.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 20 June :: 9.50 pm

So I bought new clothes again. They make me feel better. And I had a really good time with Sam and Rob.

but i still feel scared being home and stuff.

and i'd go back.

and 28 days.



BUT WAIT!
Grandpa was being really funny. He said, "Sarah doesn't like horses, she likes boys."

and I enjoyed that


this week:
m-babysitting. . . MUST FIND A POOL!
t-babysitting and the zoo with sam
w-clean car, practice clarinet, go to doctor. . . hang out with ______? (someone fill in the blank)
t- hang out with ______? then work? i think. maybe i'll go to the gym
f- see thursday
s- see thursday
s- see thurdsay

m-start all over again.

9 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 19 June :: 2.22 pm

My tribute to Jessie Wilde


Good things about today:
1. My hair is not frizzy and I parted it on a different side
2. I bought School of Rock
3. I've been hanging out with my cousin and I almost felt fun
4. I'm going to Grand Haven tomorrow
5. I haven't cried and I'm going to put on mascara
6. It's very nice
7. Twenty-Nine days is only one day more than four weeks.

8 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 18 June :: 8.22 am

I don't think I take thirty more days of this. I hate this house. I hate myself.

This summer was supposed to be so great. Now everything is turned on its head. Once again it's like I'm just exsisting and not really feeling. And I'm not eating. I COULDN'T EVEN EAT STRAWBERRIES. I'm not hungry though. It just makes me sick.

I want to do something, but I'm too nervous. My mom sucks. I know I'm a lucky girl with everything. But I can't focus on that because it doesn't matter. I don't have everything. The person I want is not here. He'll probably never be here again. It's like he's dead, but only to me. I'm jealous of everyone who gets to see him. And any future plans just seem hazy now.



Let's Focus on these things:
1. I am not able to lay in my bed all day. Or sit and stare at things

2. I do have some mighty good friends

3. nothing. this list sucks.


Why couldn't he have hit me or been mean? I can't even get angry. That would be better than being sad. At least then I could release some energy.

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 17 June :: 3.17 pm

31.

Watcha got there?

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.55 am

I wasn't going to take a shower today. I have 32 days to take a shower.
Yesterday I spent some time with the floor. Screaming at it.

But here are some goals:
1. Start wearing contacts
2. Call Brenda
3. Prevent ostioporosis
4. Stop thinking/Distract myself with anything
5. Practice clarinet

Also things I won't miss

1. Waiting to be let down
2. Secrets and awkwardness
3. His mom
4. His driving

But everything else.

DEAR GOD! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE WINDOW AND OPEN THE DOOR AGAIN?

but i read the e-mail again. it doesn't hurt the second time. well not as much.

going to see the doctor today.

7 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 15 June :: 7.42 pm

I WAS okay. But now. God.

other people.

33 days until i die

5 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.06 am

I think my summer will be a bummer. There were so many things that we were going to do. And now? I'm dying. No not dying. Just sort of withering. I'm okay if someone is distracting me. Or if I'm working.

But this can all be very comical. Getting dumped. For the next 34 days I'm going to take myself on a magical journey to feeling better. That's right. . .deadline.

Thirty-Four Things I've felt in like the last five minutes.

1. Sad
2. Worried
3. angry
4. small
5. tired
6. overwhelmed
7. betrayed
8. rejected
9. abandoned
10. remorse
11. nostalgic
12. bitter
13. nervous
14.senstive
15. sick
16. dead
17. wired
18. clingy
19. scared
20. crushed
21. lonely
22. hysterical
23. mopey
24. wasted
25. disconected
26. vunerable
27. pathetic
28. lost
29. weak
30. ugly
31. quiet
32. desperate
33. uncomfortable
34. crazy

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2004 12 June :: 11.50 pm

Just 10 minutes and THIRTY FIVE ugly days until I'm whole.

Watcha got there?