Great Neptune's Ghost!

:: 2011 7 November :: 1.56am

I think its happened. Ive clicked. Im over it. Its weird.

:: 2011 3 November :: 8.21am

in the now

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 31 October :: 9.25pm

i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.

i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.

i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.

i know what i was made for.

God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.

I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.

i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.

but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 31 October :: 7.35pm

who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2011 31 October :: 4.17am

Im not being mean when you talk about your plan for college. Im being realistic.

Common problem 4yr plan students face:
-money(loans or cash for needs during student years)
-finishing on time
-finishing with leads to jobs

Common needs:
-job(part time/summer/seasonal)
-money(loans or other finance)

You cant just brush that off. You cant tell me no, because your successful. Successful people might finish on time sure, but are you saying everyone Ive known is not? You dont really get to declare that. lol Thats unfair and pompous.

You dont even know what your planning to go for. How can you finish on time if youve not decided anything? What if youve already missed classes that file under things to make it out on time? Cmon now.

Oiy. You had me so happy earlier. Now you leave me on sour notes.

Just like Rachel. I dont like where this path leads. Need a better fork in the road.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2011 28 October :: 11.30am

yeah you're life's hard, tough shit, there's 7 billion people in this world and you think your issues are tough

first world problems

:: 2011 28 October :: 12.53am
:: Mood: depressed

Cope
Im trying so hard not to dip into the sea of depression again right at this moment.

Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad?
Do you know how hard it is to have everyone who knows what you want say its not worth your time? How you should just drop it now?

Do you know how hard is it when this is the second time around on this journey? The names and faces may have changed. The emotions are still ready to grieve.

I have the next 3 days off to dwell on this. 3 days to sit in the shower and sulk. 3 days with no plans. 3 days.

I need an outlet. I need a better one that is. I need someone to talk to. I dont have the person I trust and can voice my concerns to.

Oh wait. That persons the person whos causing me half my trouble.
The other option is now on disconnect because of a better situation.

I need medication. I need consultation. I need someone. Im prideful, but not so prideful that Ill let myself not admit to these facts. I just cant get myself to take the steps alone. It kills me that much more that I can openly reflect to myself on these situations. My innermost monologue is like a pet owner with a rolled up newpaper slapping me over the head as if Im puppy whos just done something wrong.

Im like that satalite a month back that was supposed to come crashing down to earth. No one knows my path or where Ill land. Ill skid off the atmosphere a few times and build into a fireball. Evaporate over a radius thats big and leave no traces once Ive landed. Ill sink into the ocean never to be needed again.

:: 2011 27 October :: 12.29am

A horse is not a home
"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!"
William S. Gilbert

Being sick is really annoying. My nose is raw now from tissue usage. My head feels like is ready to explode most times. The body ache sucks . I cant wait until the coughing kicks in...
To top it all off Ive been running into fits of this ache inside my chest for the past couple days. 10-30min of having the feeling of someones hands inside my chest just squeezing body parts. Im not good with anatomy but Id venture a guess and say kidney's. If not that then the liver. Just feels like hands are in there twisting them. I should see a doctor but I think I caused the problem with the meds I got hopped up on to try and get it under control once I started feeling sick. Popped a lot of cold/congestion stuff, zrytec, and some avil/ibprophane for headaches from sinus pressure.

Hope it passes.

Moving right along I seriously wonder how much longer I can stand being alone. Companionship is a necessity in the human life I think. Someone who can find a fulfilling life without it I applaud you. Im a lesser man who needs that person. I need someone to push me, challenge me, love me, and share things with. Daily. Nightly. The longer, more frequent, I come across these situations like with 'her' right now the more and more Im sure of what I want in a relationship. Which makes me that much harder to be with.

Im already not a super social person. This blows.

I should have been born in a different place at a different time. Im not meant for this age. I stroll through life hating myself with this current time. Modern convenience destroys me.

Love unrequited is love that harder for one and avoided by another.

:: 2011 23 October :: 7.40pm

All Hallows Eve
I miss the old version of Halloween. Everyone these days seems to be obsessed with the gore, guts, and violence version of the holiday thats starting to form.

Remember when it was about outfits from the colonial era and stories that scared you because they played on original fears? Fears of the unknown the unexplained. The emblematic stories!

Stories of creatures that went bump in the night. Werewolves, vampires, and headless horsemen. Creatures that were able to take victims then disappear into the shadows they came from.

These days all I hear and see is zombies and godlike killers like that of Jason. Its all about how much blood will spew from a wound, how many people they can kill, or how much guts they can show.

It all seems Psychotic murderers and stories of undead walking the earth.

Zombies are dumb. The idea of an apocalypse revolving around them is even more stupid. People who like them are stupid. Common sense alone would suggest that something thats dead doesnt make sense roaming around. The only case of undead walking is Jesus, and he didnt go around eating people now did he?

:: 2011 23 October :: 1.34am

I think I got across to her today. She might understand things now, even if it was only a few brief statements. That might be wishful thinking, but lets hope not.

Might go hang out with her soon.

She might show up for Thanksgiving still. Sounds like she was planning on that already, regardless of what she wont acknowledge or requite.

:: 2011 20 October :: 7.02pm

And it's gonna be hell to pay.

:: 2011 19 October :: 2.23am

SEPTEMBER 1st 2011 It all began spiraling downward
Why are you so callous about my feelings?

How many times had I brought the issue up. You make me want to flip the switch and ignore you forever.

I hate knowing you right now. What could I have done with the time Ive wasted on you?

"Men can never be just friends with women"

You can be coworkers, colleagues,related by family, married, divorced, or roomates. Never just friends though.

:: 2011 16 October :: 5.46pm

Ya um fuck.

Another downer day. Not as bad as last time but its on its way.

Today was a day full of more being pushed away and being scorned. I dont like being made to always feel like I should be apologizing.

Im more than setteled on this issue. I gave up. Ill be friends but not like it was. I cant let her use me like this. I wont be her emotional feel better about her self person. Fuck that.

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2011 13 October :: 11.29pm

I have conversations with Nathan sometimes, they are pleasant. We talk about our lives and the world.

:: 2011 13 October :: 1.40pm

At this moment, I feel like Im good on the withstanding issue. Ive contemplated the issue, Ive skirted the issue, Ive wrestled with it multiple times. I think Im okay now.

Im drawing the line.

Im pulling back now.

I may not be the most comfortable now but I think Im good baring some unforeseen curve ball.

Friends it is. I wont always try to be there. I wont try to go the extra mile. If you want it, YOU have to ask for it. I tried doing it and got nothing but headaches and heartaches. I dont need to walk around with those chips on my shoulder anymore.

I dont go out of my way for just anyone. I go out of my way for everyone in some fashion, but this one I cant go any further with. I will withhold.

You cant assume the privileges of a status you dont accept the consequences for. Take responsibility of your actions on my feelings. Express more than just a terribly overplayed statement.

That wont cut it. Return to sender.

EDIT: Ive been searching for the words on this kind of statement forever now. I cant believe it never came to me. Commitment. Bam! Make a commitment to me. Ive been alive 24yrs and seen plenty of stuff to know what I require out of this word. So get to stepping.

:: 2011 12 October :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: listless

Im going crazy. 2 steps forward one step back all the damn time.

Ugh. The thoughts racing through my head.

Take a step back Kelly. Stop jumping to conclusions.

Nope. Im drawn.

Spent

Oiy vey

:: 2011 11 October :: 10.27pm

Seems to be easier when you can distract yourself with work.

I feel a little better today. I hope this is the case for the next week or so.

Friday when I get home from Cadi I guess I have to set a show at the YMCA for the GR Marathon. Tear down on Saturday.

We'll see how things go. One day at a time.

:: 2011 10 October :: 1.52pm

Show me you care Marley. Go over the edge. Show me some emotion behind this.

If you want me around, make me see it. Go out of your way to show it.

EDIT: You wish you could fix me. You can. Ive given you the tools, use them. Dont skirt the issue and Ill be on stable ground way faster.

:: 2011 10 October :: 12.25pm

No gods, No masters

:: 2011 9 October :: 3.48pm

Just finished[still going] a 30min shower.

EDIT: Just finished breaking down

EDIT: Having a break down

EDIT: Broke

EDIT: Broken

Ya....glad Im alone at home today.

:: 2011 6 October :: 6.47am

Her responses are just so dead. I dont have a better word for it. Does she even know how much shes torn my heart?

Im really sick of being alone.

I had such high hopes about her. About us.

Thats been torn to shreds.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2011 5 October :: 12.54pm

Beans were spilled last night, albeit abruptly[read: poorly].

I probably left her in a mess around her friends. If I did I bet theyd say "dont go" "hes an asshole" or something of that nature.
Those sentiments really help right now...NOT.

I didnt mean for this to happen but it happened. I cant help that I feel this way about her. What I can help is whether or not I should bother trying to feel this way about her. If she cant tell me that, then I can try to decide.

Shes mad/sad about not having answers for me. Im mad because I need answers. I told her I would make them for her if she cant. I really dont like the answer Ill end up using but I know that its probably the best I can offer since shes "a free spirit" and she might "wake up one day and not like you[me]."

Isnt this what a relationship revolves around? Liking someone, then being with or without them over time. Changing with or without them. Then deciding if you dont want to be with them one day or staying with them for more days?

I really hate this.

This whole thing makes me think about Rachel and how I had that issue come up again and again. Makes me hate myself when my self esteem is already basically at rock bottom.

If bad things happen to good people, then do good things happen to bad people?

:: 2011 4 October :: 11.13pm
:: Music: The Beatles- "Eleanor Rigby"

Fleshed "IT" out
Thats just a dirty title. Ha....*empty laugh here*

All the lonely people
Where do they come from?
All the lonely people
Where to they all belong?

Im one of them. Where I belong is up to who I open up to. She is that person. So...I need to know if I put it away behind its lock or I make her a key. I cant just showcase it for everyone. That's not who I am or how I work.

Special attention, special treatment, and expectations from me are opened up.

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my a.d.d. baby

This is how an angel cries...

:: 2011 4 October :: 1.01am

While she tears her brains out over essays and tests. I tear my brains out over putting myself out there and tossing my heart around like a rag.

Seriously. Women continue to astound me.

:: 2011 4 October :: 12.51am

Skip Town
She really has a knack for flaking out. Seriously. She didnt tell me a time tonight. She offered to get back to me tomorrow on it. So, this is the 2nd time shes blown off a deadline of need to know.

She wanted to know if I would be mad. Ya. I would be.
-I got work off during the busy season on a week I probably could have taken overtime hours on.
- I have this huge issue of what "we" are....if "we" "are"
- This would be the 2nd flip out just before a visit
- 2nd girl that I get a fucked up relation with over long distance
-- after promising myself I wouldnt do this again!
- Wanting me/Wanting me a friend/Asking for more of me/Not being there for me in the way I need afterwords

UGH FUCK

Seriously Ill flip if she doesnt come. Ill straight out link her this damn emo spread and go full tilt on her about it. This is my stress. This is what youve done with my head. And its only whats being captured for minutes at a time on here.

Ill wall myself off from her to clam my feeling up. I might come back to talk to her. I might not. I certainly wont let myself open back up again to her even if I cannot wall myself.

Ill back off and do less for her. Ill be around less. Ill not try to be there fro her.

This is what shes doing to me. Tearing me apart.

:: 2011 3 October :: 2.54pm

Sometimes I scare the hell out of myself, I like those days.

:: 2011 2 October :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: The Black Keys- "Ten Cent Pistol"

So Frustrated
Im just so damn frustrated with myself about this. I want to shout and make a big deal about it to her but I cant make myself do it. Especially not in person, or face, and definitely not without knowing how shes doing with her situation there.

If I, and I probably will, take it out on her like that then I will feel 100000 times worse about things between us.

This is hurting me. This will make me clam up and wall off from her for awhile if things go bad. I cant see a solution with that not happening unless I get the outcome Im begging for.

:: 2011 2 October :: 12.39am
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: College feat. Electric Youth- "She never came back"

Loss for Words

At the start of the morning,
before the sunrise was yawning,
the dream was now fading,
like there she goes.

Ok! Where to begin.
I asked her to slate the visit. She wavered. It was more than unnerving.

Im not looking forward to the responses I get. Or rather I dont get? Its going to be so damn hard. I feel in my mind, I know the answers already, and they scare me. I dont want to have those ones.

Should I be upfront and get it off my chest the first day? Or do I show her an awesome weekend then talk about it before she leaves? Grr. I could use a seriously good talk with a trusted confidant right about now, but sadly I do not have one! I need a shoulder. To listen. To converse. To enlighten me.

I need black or whites. I cannot take grey.

Please

Please
Please

Give me the answer Im looking for.

If you dont know, and I dont know what you want, then you lose me. Plain and simple.

I find it will be the only option to wall myself off from you for some time while I decide how to cope and move on. Ive been one of the few consistent faces in your life for the last few years. Ive been there in shit days and good days. Ive helped you decide to take a leap now! Why cant you take one for me!? If nothing else, I think I deserve it.

Call me selfish on that. I think I deserve a shot. Even then, will that be enough? A title, a public title in words or cyberspace...will that satiate me? God, I hope so. It will have to do that and then some. Compensate me for the worrying Ill do about being faithful, fair, and true.

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2011 30 September :: 11.26am

BAWWWWW LIFE'S HARD

:: 2011 29 September :: 8.29pm

Tired of everyone's QQ on facebook