Great Neptune's Ghost!

:: 2011 24 March :: 2.57pm

I'm too fucking grizzled and stubborn to stay down for too long.

:: 2011 24 March :: 8.56am

life is making me not happy.
and yes, i have friends that are getting just as much crap life and more than me, but i feel like I am at the breaking point.

Maybe I've never been that strong... or maybe it just isn't worth it anymore.

:: 2011 22 March :: 7.03pm

Still feels like my mother loves my ex more than she does me.

There are some parts of my life that i just hate so much.

I'm looking forward to the future though

:: 2011 20 March :: 7.00pm

Waiting, this is painful. Sometimes you just have to roll those dice and see how they land.

:: 2011 8 March :: 4.12pm

there are some things in life that are just fucked up....

:: 2011 8 March :: 7.40am

just want to thank my ex-girlfriend for turning my whole family against me.

no, i don't have to kiss your ass to see my child.

:: 2011 4 March :: 2.28pm

WINNING

:: 2011 23 February :: 11.08am

I'm a grown ass man.

valoth

:: 2011 19 February :: 2.44pm

The rant to end all other rants...I had.
Ive been slowly working on writing something huge. Every event in my life that still haunts me in some fashion. Every event that I recall thats ever kept my mind awake at night frustrating the hell out of me. What I have already is about 6 pages long. So, I can only imagine how bad things will be by the end of it.

The good news is I think putting these things down somewhere will def help.

:: 2011 8 February :: 10.58am
:: Music: Presidents of the USA- lump

I am starting to think in a year from now I might not have any option but divorce.
I won't go into right now, because I have too much to do, but I sincerely am starting to just not give a damn about him.
Maybe I should have had the song as Elton John The Bitch is Back.

Also, I am seriously thinking about only writing my statuses as lines from songs from here on out. I feel like my emotions are starting to refreeze. Lord save us If I am returning to be the bitch I was in HS.

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 4 February :: 11.30pm

I feel lost like theres no real fit for me completely. My whole plan I've had my entire life may never pan out and so I'm just living day by day wondering if my life plan will ever come true.

I was so sure my whole life that I never once questioned it. Now who knows.

I also feel taken advantage of and under appreciated.

And maybe related, maybe not, I've been so paranoid lately it's unbearable. Especially when driving,i feel like I'm going to get in an accident at least once a minute. If someones following too close or hits the brakes too suddenly my whole body tenses up. Car wrecks play in my head the whole drive and I pull on my seat belt to tighten it throughout the drive. At night i feel like someone is in my back seat, which I've always checked for but usually just once, at the beginning of the drive, not 4 times throughout, turning on the light to check and even feeling like I feel someone breathing on my neck from the back seat.
I'm having a harder and harder time getting up during the night to pee or let the dogs out without being power petrified that my nightmare about the man behind my shower curtain trying to kill me isn't real. I can't open the curtain to check bc I'm so sure hes there.
These new developments on top of the always present anxiety and stomach upset every morning before work thats been going on for 8 months makes my life a lotta fun right now.

:: 2011 4 February :: 5.34pm

lets fucking bitch me out for everything i say and do.

:: 2011 3 February :: 5.08pm

i have zero motivation for life. my plants are all dying because there is no sun, my husband has no problem acting like i am being neurotic because he isn't returning my calls and I really could care less about school right now.
I am so sick of having to just drop money that isn't here and buy totally random shit for class that I will never use again.

I ought to get a job, but right now I am feeling so down on myself that it is pretty much impossible to "sell" myself to even get an f-ing job. I feel like my whole life I have just slipped between the cracks because I was never worth noticing and what the hell can i even do to change it? It all seems pretty lame if you ask me. I need motivation... something. give me one damn thing to look forward to please. I can't even turn up the music and rock out because I can't get new music. everything is just dumbed down, built up crap anymore. ugh.
wish i could go by some damn motivation... or something of the like.

:: 2011 28 January :: 10.49am

Kyuss and early Queens of the Stone Age

:: 2011 15 January :: 10.14am
:: Music: The Hamster Dance

Wow, I have seriously tried to give my hair volume for like half an hour and the only difference is the way my hair is laying... no height at all.

Interestingly enough I forgot some of the wacky music I have. Thank God for sounds to jam with.

In other news, I am in Green Bay this weekend. I forgot how much I love staying in Hotels. Going to hang out with my old roomie today, maybe tour Lambeau field... Adventures ahead!

tuwang

:: 2011 14 January :: 4.34pm

this weekend will be the 6th weekend in a row Ive gone out all night and come home on the first train in the morning. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that.

I had a dream last night that I went to a bar with my friend Benedict. I paid 2000 yen at the door, got my wristband and two tickets, and entered. When I got in, a fat lady with a poorly shaped bob haircut and thick horn-rimmed glasses stops me and asks me for proof that I had paid. I show her my wristband but she says, `that proves nothing`. I pull out one of the two tickets I had and I get the same response, followed by the other only to yet again hear how useless it is. She starts chuckling and I say, `what do I have to do to prove to you that I paid?`. She grins and replies `Tim should have given you what you need.`
`Then Ill go find time`
`Tim wont give it to you now, Im sure`
She is laughing hysterically and Im getting incredibly frustrated at this point. I start cursing in Japanese, to which she responds with laughter.
`Its no use really` she says and continues laughing, her belly jiggling rythmycally.

Its then that I pull out a Colt .357, cock it, aim at her face, and pull the trigger. I hear nothing but see a flash of white, at which point I wake up in a cold sweat.

what does this mean?

For a reality update, Im still alive. Thats nice yeah?

:: 2011 13 January :: 10.01pm

you'll never realize it but you are killing me

:: 2011 12 January :: 1.04pm

If I could wish any wish, it would be that my "friends" appreciated me more. I put that in quotes because there are people that I have deemed to be my friends and over the past few years it becomes more and more evident that maybe what I feel and how I see in the 'friendly' relationship isn't the same both ways.

I try to do anything and I am blown off. Idk, maybe we are just on totally different wavelengths or something. I am just sick of this dull ache that I feel because maybe I care more, or I just keep lying to myself that there was ever any relationship there what-so-ever.

I know this is my safe place, and I want to hash this all out in words, but Idk if I have it in me right now. Mike is def. right though... too much heart. I feel bad for the grinch, I was shut off like him too once... and then your heart grows and re-opens and you get hurt all over again, and that pain is even worse. idk anymore. none of it fits together or makes sense, except that is the explanation for the worst.

:: 2011 11 January :: 12.06pm

hello world... what movie do i want to watch today?

Thanks Liz for introducing me to Avatar. I am really wanting to watch it on my big tv now... guess I'll need to order it on Netflix.

clean, launder, eat. not necessarily in that order. this this the agenda for today.

:: 2011 7 January :: 10.21pm

so apparently I'm a worthless piece of shit and my husband deserves better. So glad that I try to be friends with his friend and get this in return.

I wonder why it is that I pretty well hate everybody and don't like meeting new people or making new friends.

Damn arrogant virgos. up until last month he did less than all that I am being accused of.
brushin' my shoulders off, never marry a country boy (unless you want to be susie homemaker with no life for yourself). keep that on record if your single. Once you do anything for a guy they will never want to do it for themselves again. remember that too.

tuwang

:: 2011 6 January :: 9.12am

back then they didnt want me, now Im hot they all up on me.

I wish it were easier to make apostrophes on this keyboard.

Bitches need to learn to take a joke, especially when the implied meaning isnt inately evil by any means.

my three thoughts for today.

Akemashite Omedetougozaimasu.

:: 2011 5 January :: 11.21am

gotta love classes that are truly a waste of time.
ah well, at least it is a fitness refresher... as long as it doesn't continue to make me fall apart we should be good.

day 1 strained shins
day 1 1/2-2 sore knee

no class tomorrow through next monday, so hopefully no more damage.

:: 2011 3 January :: 2.32pm

mike just gave me mail that i got from a teacher... it made my day worse, if that is possible.

please don't mind me crawling in a hole to die now. i def feel ashamed and disgusted that my teacher should have failed me because of how far behind i got but she still passed me.
i guess it was nice, but honestly now i feel like a worthless sack(again). not that he cares about any of the correlation to why my grades were soooooo horrible. it kills me, it really does.

thanks for waking me up to give me mail and making me feel like total shit. i will be spending the rest of the day in bed crying now. thanks.

:: 2011 2 January :: 5.09am

Dear beave,

Keep your stick on the ice

Love,
-beave

:: 2011 2 January :: 2.23am

So, I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions considering the change from year to year is really just another day, just like any other over commercialized day. This year however, I have resolved that I will run at least 5k, (I am supposed to run like a half marathon... but we'll see how the 5k goes first.) I am enacting operation marshmallow and untoasted marshmallow to fulfill my goals for the next few months.
My head unfortunately is not all together and I feel lacking but I am the only one who can make my goals happen. So, the plan is as follows:
1. I would like to lose at least 25lbs by my birthday and be back in the 160 range by next Thanksgiving/ Christmas. I think a year to lose about 50lbs is totally kosher.
2. Train to start running, this is part of step 1 but with my shin splints, I think it may take a few months to get to the point of really running. So, pool running, eliptical, pilates... you get the idea.
3. Get a job. This has little priority to me with the exception of the extra money. I have it hanging over my head that since I don't work (but do go to school) that I don't contribute, and this could drivel out to a big complaint about my living space, ect BUT I will not go there right now. Point is me + job= $$$ which will be nice because then I can have money to buy diamonds and pearls and all that glittery greatness that I want to design.
4. Don't hold your breath, but I intend to really quit smoking. I know I have tried and it goes well for a few days and then I get sooooo pissed that I say fuck it all, but with any blessing from God I will actually quit, which will be helpful with steps 1 & 2.

I s'pose that's about it. That is all I have really figured out, I also am happy to say that Mike got a dollar and 50 cent raise, which I hear is really good in this economy, and for the first year in quite a few Dad was extremely busy with Christmas. (This helped to make the job less of a matter to me because I made extra cash to pay some bills that were behind- score!)

Oh and technically operation marshmallow, ect are not resolutions because I have been attempting to do them and haven't.

:: 2010 24 December :: 8.05pm

Downtown Browntown

:: 2010 21 December :: 7.33am

USA #1