Great Neptune's Ghost!

:: 2010 8 December :: 7.25am

Your music is bad and you should feel bad.

m&ms487

:: 2010 5 December :: 8.49am

I turned 23 years old yesterday. It's hard to imagine that I've had this journal for about a decade. Almost more than half of my life.

I didn't really do anything 'special' for my birthday. It's the weekend before finals and I'm entrenched in some tough paper and exam writing--but I know that I'll get through it. I just keep chugging along and crossing things off my list and eventually it will be Saturday.

Oh yeah. I graduate from college on Saturday. I'm going to walk across the stage and everything. I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude (I think, whatever the second best one is). I get to wear a big metal, but not as big as the highest honors people get to wear.

Last week was a week of lasts: last undergraduate classes, last Kappa Kappa Psi meeting as an active Brother, my last band concert at CMU, last week of being 22 years old. I thought I was going to be a mess, but I'm actually quite zen about it. I will miss it, but I have the feeling it's just time for me to go--to move on, to do other things.

I will be a graduate student in January and I think being a graduate student is going to be easier than the last few years of undergraduate work. I'm only taking 6 credits, and they are both literature seminars. I'm waiting to take more until I get full funding at a graduate assistant. That is, if I'm still at CMU.

I'm almost done with my application for the joint PhD program (English and Women's Studies) at the University of Michigan. I'm scared to move away, scared that this could be a real possibility, but at the same time, it feels so good that I've come this far. They only accept 3 people per year, and that would mean that I would beat out out over 100 other applicants, most probably with Masters degrees already. We'll have to see. It would mean that Rueben and I would be apart for a semester, so that would be tough, but fuck, it's a PhD program with complete funding.

Exciting, exciting things happening. I can't wait until Christmas break when I can sit around in my owl pajamas and eat bon bons (well, okay, popcorn).

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 4 December :: 12.44am

We manufacture synthetic reasonings to justify our existence.

I don't need something else to validate why I'm here.

:: 2010 3 December :: 3.53pm

so,
there is this local bar that mike and i love to go to... they have the best variety of tea mixes (30+ flavors of long islands) and pretty awesome (and super sized portions of) food.
Obviously we will be eating there... but I am annoyed that now when I try to be social and ask my younger friends to go out they assume that it is for food. I asked them out to have a drink... NOT FOOD! so why is it that they want to tell me they don't want to eat there? That is totally irrelevant.
Stupid 21/ 22 yr olds. ugh.

Don't tell me i am antisocial-- I try to be social and you always reject my offers, so bite me. you are all ridiculous!

jedibumblebee

:: 2010 30 November :: 12.45pm
:: Music: Rufus Wainwright- Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Take a lot of sentimental valiums...
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental valiums
Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of Lessoon in Tightropes
Or surfing your high hopes or adios Kansas

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still there's not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish
A little bit Tower of Pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I'm a mess

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
Cigarettes and chocolate milk

10 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 28 November :: 11.07pm

Missed a stop sign and crashed my truck, this blows.

tuwang

:: 2010 22 November :: 5.09pm

this is the point in time where I usually pack it in and say fuck it.

but fuck that.... not this time bitches.

the question is is it really worth the effort its going to take? and on top of that, the amount of emotional energy its going to consume?

I really dont understand the situation at all, but clearly somethings going to have to give.

its so easy to give up when its two ways, but its so difficult to capitulate when its one sided.... why is that? I dont really have anything to prove, and theoretically speaking, Im sitting pretty otherwise. Its like Im 18 again... I dont like me at 18...

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 18 November :: 12.36pm

soo... life has been life
up until about 2:30 yesterday it totally sucked... but then I found out I didn't have class for the next 2 days (like today and tomorrow) and my life got better.

As usual mike and I are a toss up. I get sick of him being inconsiderate, and him constantly swearing (you don't realize how stupid swearing is until you hear it being used as every other word when someone is talking). I am sure he is sick of me "being a bitch" but I have always been a bitch so what are you to do? All I want is to be able to pay the bills and do my homework and get them both where they need to go on time. I mean is that too much to ask?

So thankfully I don't ave school again for like a week and a half, which totally rocks. I do have a bunch of stuff to get finished for classes still but nothing new to add to them, which is wonderful!
Leaving for MI sometime in the next few days, and doing lots of work at Dad's store but I enjoy actually getting to have the time to design and finish everything.

Sooo, if you are in MI and read this... I have the same number I have always had, If you want to hang out just call.
PS. I would love to visit east town and maybe drink, have some coffee or hookah... so if you want to do that you should definitely call.

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 28 October :: 9.27pm

Shoot
I could use a steak and a good beer right about now.

jedibumblebee

:: 2010 27 October :: 12.56pm

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone?
Oh, it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
Some world you must have crossed .

You said, You don't know me
You don't even care
She said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains

The essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts cross an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you

You said, You don't know me
You don't even care
She said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains

She said, I think I'm going to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
No one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly 'em out to Spain

I think I'm going to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 26 October :: 9.32am

of course it is my fault. it's always my fault.

if that's how you feel, i hope you enjoy the feeling of loneliness you will be feeling until I am able to split for good. I'm done.

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

valoth

:: 2010 25 October :: 7.31pm

I cannot stand pompous people. I cannot stand being belittled.

All the little walls, all the little rules, they mean nothing to me.

I deny you self satisfaction over a declaration of being better than.

Fuck you. Fuck the high horse you think you rode in on.

News for ya, your horse smells like shit.

valoth

:: 2010 17 October :: 10.39pm

Fuck this shit. Working 99hrs in 2 weeks sucks balls. Not looking forward to another like that again.

3 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

sugarjackj

:: 2010 10 October :: 12.16am

Still alive.

:: 2010 8 October :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: despondent
:: Music: Metric- Help, I'm Alive

I am in desperate need of sanity.
All i seem to do anymore is pull you down, make you miserable
I am nothing but a path of destruction and i don't think I can change.

:: 2010 7 October :: 2.39pm

I'm on music obsession kick.
I think I have gotten almost 150 new songs... with another 100 or so to go.
Things are so much better when I am home alone. I think before I start the next batch of music though I am going to clean more in case anyone comes over this weekend. I know, not likely- but i am crazy about having a spotless apt when people visit now, so i better do it or I'll be pissed if they do.

And bonus, all new music to listen to while I clean.

2 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 6 October :: 2.44am

i ought to be working on homework and I seem to be addicted to updating my facebook status tonight... So in an effort not to update it again, I am on here to bitch about my lack of motivation and constant distraction from my husband sleeping next to me... and rolling onto me, ect.

i hate writing intensive classes!

m&ms487

:: 2010 1 October :: 9.38pm

I took the GRE today. The testing center is in the basement of one of the old dormitories at Central. It was weird. And dark.

I earned a 550 on the verbal section and a 480 on the quantitative section. I'm going to take it again in a year if I don't get admitted to University of Michigan's joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies.

1 Little Tyke | Watcha got there?

skippi16

:: 2010 9 September :: 11.45am

so i have not been here in a long time, some updates... going to college finally for music ED>>> had a son on valentines day his name is zander currently 6 months old...

latley i have been finding no time for myself and it rather makes me angry. the worst is that no one cares to help. while yes i am 23 married and have a kid i could use some one else to think about me for once....OH WELL

life is good other then that i miss my dad like crazy, he has been gone for almost a year and i still can not get over it

:: 2010 3 September :: 7.40am

i don't want life handed to me on a platter, but i sure do wish things would go smoothly for once.

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2010 2 September :: 12.12pm

I really can't do this.

:: 2010 24 August :: 11.06am

life is a whirlwind right now. so many good things, and so many that i am freaking out about.
I just got back to WI and now I feel like I need to turn around and head right back to michigan.
f*ing pain.

m&ms487

:: 2010 21 August :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: calm

It's the end of the week, but only the beginning of the end. This is the Saturday before I start my last semester as an undergraduate college student. This was also the first week that I have been on educational leave from The Company since my freshman year of college.

I spent the entire week devoted to volunteering at CMU's band camp: meal set up, instrument sorting, wind suit dissemination, water cooler wrangling, to name a few of the tasks. Tonight, I and several of my Brothers went to see Jeff Daniels perform a concert in the streets of downtown Mt. Pleasant as volunteers for the Red Cross. They were raising money specifically for their infant pantry and I was able to collect the largest single donation: a $100 check.

Standing in the middle of the barricaded road with my Red Cross Volunteer Vest made me think about what I am doing. I intend to apply for a joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies at the University of Michigan this fall (for fall 2011 admittance). I want this degree because I think it will allow me to have a job in the eventual downfall of the University English Department; but the real reason I want it is so that I can understand. I want to KNOW. I want to examine those socio-economic hetero-patriarchal hegemonic power structures so that I KNOW how to turn them in on themselves. I want to expose them and say "AHA! I've got you now!" I want to understand why things happen the way they do so that I can make others understand. I want them to be empowered so they have a chance to make a choice for themselves; to be able to have some semblance of freedom (I know there are several hundred theorists which would, at this point, as if freedom is even possible; Janis Joplin would tell me it happens when there's nothing left to lose).

But, at this point in time, an academic has just so much hold. There is so much to do and not every woman (or man that cares about these power structures-yes, men can be feminists, too) is going to be going through a university class which others like me will teach. What to do? Why aren't there more of us helping organizations like the infant's pantry? Why didn't I know that the Women's Shelter probably needed volunteers? That's how I can start to make a difference.

I was thinking this as I stood there under the street light as the sun began to go down and about one hundred people crowded around the small stage to meet Jeff Daniels. I stood there, holding my donation bucket, smiling as everyone walked past me, guiltily looking away because they did not want or could not afford a donation. I didn't donate any money simply because I don't have any to give; but I have my time. I gave my time and my thoughts and stood there, smiling, hoping that at least each person walking by thought about what it might be like to be a woman or a man going into that pantry, how he or she got there, and why.

Why?

5 Little Tykes | Watcha got there?

:: 2010 20 August :: 9.13pm

Workin for the Man
New Exchange Administrator right here

just_peachie

:: 2010 17 August :: 10.11am

the hardest part to swallow is I chose it, it didn't choose me.

:: 2010 11 August :: 3.19pm

for some reason i just started thinking:

"lolly, lolly, lolly, get your adverbs here. Father son and lolly get your adverbs here..."

I have either been watching too much children's programming or the onset of school next month is driving me crazy.

jedibumblebee

:: 2010 10 August :: 10.08pm
:: Music: The Postal Service- The District Sleeps Tonight

I'm staring at the asphalt wondering/ What's buried underneath where I am...
Smeared black ink
Your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening
To last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge
A vinyl sticker with big block letters
Adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends
I am a visitor here: I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

The district sleeps alone tonight
After the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving
Into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

:: 2010 5 August :: 12.13am

somedays, when i see the wedding albums of all the people i know on facebook, i get sad. I am happy for the people... don't get me wrong, but i wish that i could have gotten those things.
no wedding cake
no pretty white dress
no pictures

i wish i could have that fairy tale.

:: 2010 3 August :: 7.25am

Power Slave (iron Maiden)

Tell me why I had to be a Powerslave
I don't wanna die, I'm a God,
Why can't I live on?
When the Life Giver dies,
All around is laid waste,
And in my last hour,
I'm a Slave to the Power of Death.

:: 2010 30 July :: 3.32pm

it's a bit messed up when i start singing songs in my head just to avoid these arguments. I want this fuck head of a "guest" not to come back.