::
2004 17 September :: 12.30 pm
:: Mood: despondant, depressed, without hope...
I want you to hold me while I cry...
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 16 September :: 9.37 pm
:: Mood: tired...
Haven't smelled that in a long while...
Well, today was alright...part of it, at least...
School today was alright...it was humid, but tolerable...didn't have Psych today, so it was a little bit of a relief...I went to work, which sucked a lot...but Jackie stopped by a little bit before 6:50, so that was alright...we then headed up to Perrysburg to watch the girls play volleyball...they won, it was a good game...I was given Amanda's shirt on the condition that I would give it up when Mutt got there...I worked on my ABC paper while talking with Jax, Katie, and Mrs. Dever (at different times, though)...after the game, Jax and I went to see if Mr. Freeze was open, but it wasn't, so we came home...
Before work, Carmen called me, which was wonderful...and me, being the dope that I am. receive it with flying colors...why do I always do this? I am an idiot...I'm so glad you called Carmen, I really am...please don't hold it against me, how I act...I really want to do better...I swear...I can't believe this is how I truly am, quarrelling with you over the smallest things...I trust you and I love you so much...I just need to get myself in line...it's all my fault...please forgive me...I'm trying hard to knock it off, trying hard to make up for this summer...I love you, and don't want to push you away...I don't want to lose things how they are...it's only been 2 weeks since you've been gone, but it'll get better, I promise...I love you, so it will work...
Quote of the day:
"Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know what I'm doin'
Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night
Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know where I'm goin', yeah
Oh Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night
You really got me
You really got me
You really got me
Please, don't ever let me be
I only wanna be by your side
Please, don't ever let me be
I only wanna be by your side"
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 15 September :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: happy, but sad...
Hey hun, I'm smiling...
Well, saw Carmen tonight, after work...she was in town briefly, but I'm glad I gout to see her...I also met a friend of hers...seemed pretty nice...I often wonder what her schoolmates think of me, the way I call her and carry on...but now, I'm ina much better mood, and I ate dinner! 48 hours of not eating ended tonight...
I love you...4 days is even too long to go without a hug or a kiss from you...
Quote of the day:
"Wanna tell you about the girl I love
My she looks so fine
She's the only one that I been dreamin' of
Maybe someday she will be all mine
I wanna tell her that I love her so
I thrill with her every touch
I need to tell her she's the only one I really love"
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 15 September :: 11.55 am
I dunno...
I have a feeling of impending doom in my stomach...could just be that I've been too depressed to eat...I've snacked on a few things, but other than that, I haven't eaten anything...
Or it could be all of this insecurity I've been welling up inside of me, without telling anybody...I dunno...
I could be overworking myself...I'm working 5 hours now, except for Tuesdays and Thursdays...
Or I'm not getting enough sleep...
*Sigh*
I just want to fall asleep, and wake up to find you next to me, causing all of my insecurities to vanish...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 14 September :: 2.20 pm
Jesus, I need to stop being an asshole...I'm sorry how I acted last night, when I called...I'm working on not being like that, I swear...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 13 September :: 10.05 pm
:: Mood: ?
*sob*
I guess it is good...but the lack of talking bothers me a lot...makes me feel even more insecure, even more depressed...I'm sure how to get over all of this...there must be a way, but I'm not too sure...I'm the one who has all the depression...I'm not too sure who to turn to now...My number 1 person is too busy now a days to put up with all of this...it isn't your fault, and I'm not blaming you, I'm just trying to figure out what to do...
I need to cope, and stop holding you back (if I am)...
Maybe I just need something to reassure me...
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 12 September :: 3.35 pm
Well, yesterday was good...Carmen was back, so that's why...I had a good time with her, but even with her being home for less than a day, I managed to be an asshole...but beside that, it was a good day...Walked around BSAF for awhile, took a nap, ate dinner, etc. Only thing that didn't happen was seeing a movie or something, and when she did want to see one, it was too late to start one...there's always next time...
*sigh*
I'm so pathetic, I miss you already, and you haven't even been gone for more than a few hours...I love you...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 6 September :: 1.40 am
:: Mood: not good
:: Music: Blut Aus Nord
I miss you
Well...Friday definitely wasn't a good day for me...Carmen left around 11:10, and I wasn't able to see her off...and now she is gone, until she returns for BSAF on Saturday...I'm so proud of her, though...going to the college she wants, and coping pretty well with the change of scenery...I just miss her, that's all...but anyways, I'm looking forward to her coming back...but, that doesn't make me miss her anyless...and I do miss her something terrible...and it makes me feel even shittier for the hard time I gave her when she was missing Chris so much...such an asshole, I was...anywho, Friday night's band went ok...kinda lonely and such, but ok...
On Saturday, I went to work at 10, and got off at 3...after that, I did some things around the house, and then ate chicken for dinner...went to bassoon lessons, learned how to fix a bassoon (partly)....afterwards, went home and hung out with Justin, which was fun...we played the Dragonball Z fighting game...had some laughs with that...hopefully, I get to hang out with Justin tomorrow...after I came home, I talked with Carmen for awhile, and got to sleep eventually...
Today, we went to 8:30 service (which I had a hard time staying awake for)...after service, we got stuff together, and started to drive to Cleveland...it was an alright time...I was kinda lazy and depressed...the game kinda sucked too...Indians lost...game was boring...I read, mostly...it's funny, actually, I pay to go to a game, and I read instead...on the trip home, we watched "It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world" and on the trip there, most of "Doctor Zhivago"...
Je t'aime, et, quand je me dorm, je te rêve...*muah* *hug*
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 23 August :: 1.19 am
:: Mood: indifferent...
Bad Karma...
That's what it is, isn't it...karma, what goes around, comes around...only it was kind of in a different form this time...but still, I guess this is truly what I deserve, for doing what I did to you...I just wish I could go back and change what I did, make things right, how they should have been, how things would have brought happiness to us...but, I screwed up, and that's what I'll have to deal with...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 21 August :: 5.52 pm
:: Mood: confused...sad...
:: Music: Coming Down
Well, yesterday was kinda fun, even though it was pretty much a bust...everything I had planned didn't work itself out...well, except for the breakfast, that is...that was fun...got picked up by Carmen and went to the lab at 2-ish...helped out in the lab, got her driver's license, and a couple books (including my college book)...by the time we got done, it was too late to go to Ann Arbor, so we went up to Toledo...I didn't really shop for anything, but Carmen got her pants for working crew, and jeans on sale...had a fun time with that...came home, sat around bored at DQ for a bit, and then went home...went to sleep...
This morning, I stopped by Carmen's for a bit before work, and then went to work...which was rather eventful, considering the alarms went off...some girl pulled an alarm accidentally...after work, went home to help with the water heater, and then over to Carmen's...helped her clean her car out, and got some ice cream...when I got home, I went to Tireman to get my tires rotated, then walked to Smoovies to visit Jax...ran back to get my car, and here I am now, a few hours later, chores done, and leaving for Coomes'...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 20 August :: 1.25 pm
:: Mood: hmph
Well, the freshman breakfast was alright...I think most of them had a good time...they did more than we got to do my freshman year...whch was good...had a good, crazy time with Jackie in the car, driving around for about an hour, on little sleep...hilarity ensued...which was good, something I needed...I'm going to go up to Ann Arbor today with Carmen, and it should be a good time...unless me being cranky and tired gets in the way...hmm...I guess that is what one gets for getting very little sleep...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 20 August :: 3.57 am
Well, I'm up, awake, and leaving...it should be a good time...I'm waking up kids with Jackie, and we're taking my mother's Rondezvous...unfortunately, Mr. Headley has placed so many lmitations on us this year that we can't really have fun waking them up...the breakfast has food lined up, better than my Freshman year, I can tell you that...anywho, after this breakfast, Carmen and I are going to go up to Ann Arbor, and do some shopping or whatever up there...I'm looking forward to it...I also feel that things are going better between us now...but now, I must get going...
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 19 August :: 12.15 pm
:: Mood: ...
If it's not one thing, it's another...
If I'm not freaking out about you smoking tobacco, I'm freaking out about you drinking...if I'm not freaking out about you smoking weed, I'm freaking out about you staying out late...I'm not freaking out about the doubts I'm having, I'm freaking out about losing you when you leave...
It's just one things after another with me...and I'm sorry...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 17 August :: 3.16 am
Over and over and over do I shoot myself in the foot...I shouldn't be allowed think...or feel...or react to anything negatively...I shouldn't be allowed to be human...becasue humans aren't this negative...
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 17 August :: 2.48 am
:: Mood: angry at myself...depressed...without hope...
:: Music: Meat Puppets
Just FUCKING Great
It is a vicious fucking circle, and all the fuck that I can do is make it astro-fucking-nomically worse...it is all of my fault too, I don't have to speak what is on my mind, I don't have to feel what I feel...I've tried, and I've tried to stray from this, but I cannot...I try so hard, but all is for naught, obviously...all this shit with the other people in my life just builds up, and so it snaps when I get something to happen to me...
This is one hell of a way to help you out when you need it, isn't it? I'm so sorry...I'm being one hell of a friend...
It's one hell of a vicious circle, and all I do is make it worse...
Quote of the day:
"Waking up from my slumber
To misunderstand another
Though they call it terra firma
It dissolves beneath my feet
Looking through a pile of garbage
For some worthless piece of paper
That's been hidden there for me
To give meaning to my day"
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
|