:: 2004 6 March :: 8.52 pm

AND THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP --

No, see. Last night I had this dream, where Sab was in the ceiling [omg shitmonkey i <3 uuuuuu] and she JUMPED down on this one guy and broke his effing spine, it was sweet. &so beautiful, I still have a still-frame of her at the exact moment of contact, all long and stretched out [she's like six feet tall, taller than she ever was, built like a supermodel] hair flying above her . . . everything just perfect. and the sound as she hits. brilliant.

AND THEN. I [playing myself for once] get up to go look in the hallway she just disappeared into like a bat outta hell, and she has her claws out and they're pointy as friggin' hell, like her fingers just terminate in rusty ice picks. [i can feel them when i look at them, needles] AND ANYWAY she goes into this hall and I know there's a guy in there and I hear these noises like a prerecorded puma growl. so I go check it out and I find the guy all over the floor&walls and Sab just disappeared BACK into the room i came out of, and I'm all, "stay in one place you #@%^ ape." SO I GO BACK IN and I see

Sab and like this, gigantic mideival knight guy facing off. And he's like, a demon or something, the camera does this pan&zoom to show off his eeeevilness or somesuch. Real intimidating. And Sab's just, well, Sab. Crouching across from him, tail like a whiplash, grinning&growling with her hand soaked in blood. [imissherimissherimissher] And she's all like, I know something youuuu don't knowwww, and she gets down on all fours and

this is rather hard to explain, it involves dream physics. You know how when you look at something once and it's one thing and then you turn away and look again and it's something completely different BUT THIS DOESN'T SEEM WIERD. because it's dreams. and Sab is lord of the land of dreams. so like.

BAM. she's a horse. no, she's CHAOS BREAKER. the gigantofuckinghuge unicorn with an evil streak. and I remember doing a slow pan up from his feet [he has awesome hooves, they're all I AM HOOVES AND YOU WILL WORSHIP ME] to his head and he does that pawing at the ground and snorting thing, just to show his contempt. and his horn is black. and huge. like a meat cleaver made of onyx. he is so beautiful. just like her in the still-frame.

so he trots forward and just buries his horn in the guy. past all that armor and demony evilness. past the arnold schwarzzenegger build and the deep booming PH33R ME voice. like soft butter. CB doesn't even have to try. that mofo is gone.

and anyway, then I wake up and stuff. but that was cool.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 26 February :: 6.31 pm

Feel that . . . sssssspike as well, when she screams, hyperventilating worm. I can see her real self, shivering in the heat. A fool. A fool. [Vague threats.]

myxomatosis

:: 2004 26 February :: 6.25 pm

:///Breathing too hard.
It all relates back to itself and it really doesn't matter in the end. [What was I just thinking?] She [youknowwho] is the magnet. The swirling marble on the face of the statue. The siren song the three the the the the. I have never had one. [Now you know why?]

Effigy . . . dear girl, screaming at the nonexistent boy-child, the fool who weeps in the corners. Screaming at the memory the reflection at herself. [I still remember Fury.] But I mean: Name. And elsewhere, a gask mask, a cheshire, a . . . . . . .

Neverland never was. The cat that can unbe can only undo itself. [What?]

myxomatosis

:: 2004 24 February :: 5.18 pm

It's the MYSTERY ---- agh, I wish I was someone's mystery. Anyoneanyone {that is a lie}. That's what love is -- when you find mystery in somebody and you can't pull away . . .

. . . ohyeah, I remember. Anti. Suddenly I understood why everyone always said they were afraid of her. She never seemed dangerous to me before, I thought Sab could {ha!} equal her in rage {stupidthoughtstupidchild}. But then I saw her, just a split second, a flash in the brain {this is your brain in a frying pan}. Shuddering. Not like muscular contractions shuddering, like the fabric of the universe shatters and remends itself in order that she may move. Nightmare creatures do that, to me, breaking reality to their whim. {Did I have a point? No?}

One aspect of the effigy matrix {I can't keep calling her one being, or she'll just split again, and that's a headache . . .} is {lackswords} the knee-jerk reaction to any sort of vaguely negative response, I blow it way out of proportion. She takes on a certain voice {she has lots of voices, they're all the same but with different tones--[?]} that's rather deeper than the others {masculine?} and screeches things like, what have you done and how dare you, you cunt and so on and so on . . . and it's like being beaten upside the head with solidified guilt. It really sucks, like. {No, still don't have a point.}

Whatever. Possibly more later.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 18 February :: 6.01 pm

but it's all just symbols. the symbol of effigy the symbol of the host. paintings on a cave wall by firelight. means nothing. worldless worldless. we're all the same in the end.

remembernovember? it's just a symbol too.

good NIGHT, effigy. {OL}

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