:: 2005 21 January :: 12.12 am

& i can envision us having this same goddamn arguement, and he becomes less tolerent with each iteration. i'm afraid, i'm afraid, i'm afraid, and he's endlessly pissed off at me for it.

i mean. i can understand why but.
well, fuck. no buts.
no excuses.

sab just choking the life out of me again. i'll be fine.

myxomatosis

:: 2005 20 January :: 10.51 pm

what am i doing and why? i think i'm leading this guy on . . . no, i know i am. halff-assed excuses about internet porn not meaning anything are so lame and i know it.

& retardedly, the only reason i'm doing it is because i can't get ahold of jim and i'm lonely.

i sicken myself, often and in a wide variety of new and exciting ways.

myxomatosis

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.39 am

he says, i really ought to fantasize about you. i say, what clever bullshit.
don't ever force yourself because of me.
don't ever hold back because of me.
don't ever deny because of me.
don't ever. anything. because of me.
and he says, i will grow to love you. and i say, don't hold your breath.

myxomatosis

:: 2005 17 January :: 8.50 pm

as long as we're throwing songs around -- as lovers go, dashboard confessional. something about inferiority.

it's really sad how long i could just watch him be.

myxomatosis

:: 2005 17 January :: 6.07 pm

trying to let go of all my old obsessions. funny how the one lets the other melt away. & jim? i dunno. something about eating apples under a tree.

getit?

myxomatosis