:: 2005 16 January :: 6.30 pm

i turn you are a perfect drug offto try to regain some emotional stability
and it comes up with head over feet
YES. THANK YOU. SO GODDAMN HELPFUL.

knowing what the problem is re:corwin doesn't make it automatically go away
starting to deal.
still pretty messed up, though. it's been a long fucking day and all i want to is to fall asleep in jim's arms . . . closest i get is a fucking webcam and text message.
angstsighweepsadfaceaargh.
hff. good as it'll get. for now if not for ever.

myxomatosis

:: 2005 16 January :: 8.26 am

The Beatles --- In My Life.

Oh.

myxomatosis

:: 2005 14 January :: 1.19 am

you know. i never thought it'd bother me.
i never thought i would be so
"jealous"
but then i realized why
[i guess i always figured i'd be on top]
sucks being second. third. whatever.
it just sucks.
what the hell am i doing to myself?

myxomatosis

:: 2005 14 January :: 12.37 am

"McCormic's Vodka is the taste
of my love life falling apart"

someone else's words. someone else's world.
hits like a cement mixer, even so.
[uvblue]

myxomatosis

:: 2005 12 January :: 9.50 pm

&
it really did sound like it was about me.
[emokidemokid.cliche.]
but it never was, really. i can do nothing to or for. alas alas.
&
it's all just denoum[i can't spell it. the story's over, i mean. this is epilogue. i'm hanging on to what no longer exists.]
&
the part that hurts the most [sometimes. others at other times. whatever]
is the whole "life goes on" thing. i can't tell him to sod off. not strong enough for that. so he'll keep calling me every other day or so. and i'll keep falling into this fucking spiral. again and again and again
and
i really fucking hate being in love
and
i just want to be loved back for once
and
fuck it fuck it fuck it.

i don't cry, per se. but this is breaking me in two. as it always has been. and as it always will.
"give it a year," i keep telling myself, and i will in theory be over him.
just like i got over corwin.
just like i got over alicia.
just like i can't get over anything at all.

even if i never talk to him again. if one or other of us drops off the face of the earth. he'll still be there. back of my mind, memories, imaginary voices. dreams. still there.
and in a year i can learn to choke it down.
and in a year i can learn to accept my defeat.
and in a year i can be. "over." him.
99% of the time.
i'm losing by attrition.
my whole world is falling in love with you.

i'd thought i had it this time, you know? someone i could trust. with everything.
& he's fucking me over just as wonderfully as they both did. he doesn't mean to, no one does. but still.
"cock it", i'm bitter. & stupid. & & &.
fool-child. shhh.

myxomatosis