:: 2004 18 November :: 5.48 pm

ohgod i'm shaking. is this right? how could it not be? ohgod. ohgod.
this pulling away. every time it throws me right back into the very worst of it.
and.
but.
i know that it's . . . not. and. i know that it's . . .

it's not impossible. but neither will it ever happen. and i don't know what i'm going to do with myself. it'll fade eventually, right? please say it'll fade. please say i'll forget how sweet the mornings were. please say i'll forget the rush of adrenaline when he kissed me in the theater. please say i'll forget the beach.

just let me forget it all. please.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 18 November :: 4.07 pm

When my lips twitches at certain concepts. When it overwhelms me and I arch my back, throw my head into my shoulders until the skin on my throat threatens to rip. Clench around my vocal chords in a silent scream and then cough, cough and then giggle. And my hands threaten to break themselves.

All of these neurotic habits that I thought would disappear when I killed Sab, when I was with Jim . . . she's back, and hating it, and the twitches are stronger than ever. I'm growling and not noticing it. I . . .

Here's what gets me: The Dog. Her wishes are as strong as they ever were. I think perhaps the brokenheartedness causes it, or makes it worse, or some shit . . . I don't know. I was the same way after Corwin ditched me.

It's frightening. Looking at girls that way. Feeling this beast writhe inside me, wanting out, wanting to use and abuse . . .

Feh. Continue later. Elsewhere.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 17 November :: 10.53 am

Then again there's something to be said for mindless sex. The only real problem with screwing Dan was that he had a girlfriend. And I knew it, and shouldn't have for that reason.

But really . . . I've got to just let myself live.

. . . After all was said and done [it's never done, idiot, you still] I kind of came to an abrupt realization of what a sort-of prick Corwin was . . . and I don't know. Am I blind where Jim is concerned? No doubt, but I mean. It seems like we click so hard, and that's what really gets to me. I don't get along with people in general. Friends are one thing. I have no reason to expect even as good a friendship as I had with Shillowe, and I flat-out refuse to ever angst to her. So what am I supposed to do with this person I can trust 100% and who I'll probably never find again. What am I suppose to do, settle for less but this'll linger over me?

And mindless sex seems like it would be the last nail in the coffin. It still makes me sick to think about. But I need to get that . . . freedom back. Except I can't.

I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. But living in fear is no good. There just seems to be no adequate way to break out of it.

It's to the point where, even if it were Jim, I still couldn't stand to be touched. A kiss is completely out of the question. Even the idea of holding hands makes me twitchy. I don't want to be within three feet of anyone, ever.

And damnitall, I want closeness more than anything.

Frustration.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 17 November :: 10.40 am

I just found my own journal through the random feature. teh lol 111.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 17 November :: 9.55 am

emotiondump is conspiring to tear my heart out. This is good. Cathartic.

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I don't have any words for this.

myxomatosis