:: 2004 27 October :: 6.53 pm

ack

myxomatosis

:: 2004 26 October :: 11.01 am

:///---/

myxomatosis

:: 2004 25 October :: 2.03 pm

i am spewing contradiction after contradiction.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 25 October :: 1.52 pm

it's.
& maybe i'm wrong. bold statements, and i never back them up.
wake up. she says. wake up, over and over. screams or whispers or just turning away and shaking her head, blowing steam into the wind.

this morning i felt like i could take on the world. i'd found that middle ground. but naturally, i slipped again. i'll stand up yes i'll feel better again yes but for this one particular moment it's all like drowning.

she'srightshe'srightshe'salwaysright. and yet. i can't just accept her perspective. her solution. gods know i've tried.

oxytocin is fighting back. it's not supposed to. it's that goddamn five percent, it's dogging me everywhere. i can't go five minutes without thinking about it. but i've got to. i've got to.

[tool] let this go . . .

there are no other options. there is no salvation. if i keep my heart where it is, the way it is, it'll just keep bleeding. i've been trying to cut it off completely but that's not working, obviously.i wish i could turn it back into the stone that it was before, it was great, it was great.

lack of emotion sounds like the worst state in the world, but believe me, it is so very freeing. a cheshire, a cheshire.

rejection of foreign tissues. i've lost my point.

no. if i stay like this i'll bleed and bleed and bleed. but i can't go back. but i can't go forward. i'm fucking trapped.

there is a narrow path to walk but it's hard to stay on it. not that i should expect anything less, not so soon. in a month, i pray, it'll no longer be tightrope walking. in a month, i pray, this shit will no longer bother me.

that's a bit too much. it'll bother me for a good while. but in a month, hopefully, it won't hurt. i'll be able to concentrate.

not think about jim all the goddamn time.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 24 October :: 1.23 pm

I've made lists before, but you know, post-it notes just don't fucking cut it.

1. NaNoNovel. Wrath of the Underground. I have no idea whether I'll make to to 50k and I don't care, as long as all that must be told is told. They are dead and this shall be their eulogy.

2. Godsmack concert, 2 Nov. Call the guy about tickets. Fuck the fear of crowds, of riding with people you don't know, of imposing. It's Godsmack.

3. Martial arts classes. Hapkido MWF, Taekwando TT. Thirty bucks each. Only reason you held off was money.

4. Get the phone line installed. Then finish your website. Be on aim and fucking talk to people. I miss conversating w/alicia.

5. Comic. I don't care what form it takes, how long it takes, whether it gets started before the end of the year. Just fucking do it already.

6. Find a Blockbuster. plzplzplz let there be one in this area that's easy to get to. Barring that, play lots of DDR.

7. Play video games. Read. Attempt to do so without stopping every five minutes to angst.

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