:: 2004 24 October :: 12.37 pm

lay around in the fetal position for over an hour, stop feeling sorry for yourself. feel like shit. call shillowe. she keeps herself busy. i should do that. barring the binge drinking and random sexxoring, of course.

i have six hundred dollars to fucking spend. i'm signing up for those goddamn classes.

my nanonovel is going to get finished this year no matter what. i'm not going anywhere. i won't be distracted by family, by my birthday, holidays. maybe it won't be fifty k but that fucking story will be told.

website. godsmack. etc.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 24 October :: 10.17 am

appendectomy. removal of a gangrenous limb.

or fuck the metaphors. i just told him i could never be with him. i never could, really, but dear god, it's nice to hear and pretend.

before i fucked everything up.
before i realized a lot about myself.
before, before, before.

and if i hadn't, i wonder if there still wouldn't be a "we."

but i did. fucking stabbed him. killed it like she killed fury. out of fear. the one good thing that'll ever fucking happen to her and she killed him as soon as she met him.

well. all wasn't, in the greater scheme of things, lost. euphoria ended badly but for however long it was they were great together.

except she wasn't really herself. that violence, effigy, the mask. it's her too.

too many goddamn metaphors. too many goddamn characters. and a voice in the back of my head screaming hysterically, whatthefuckhaveidone, whattheFUCKhaveidone?!

hole in my heart will never close, but it will stop throbbing eventually. you'll look back in a year, if you survive that far, and know how far you've come.

[into the grey.]

myxomatosis

:: 2004 24 October :: 7.24 am

i feel like i've had an emotional enema. drained but clean and empty.
no sleep, no dreams. no dreams, no wish to kill myself upon awakening.
mind you, the night itself was not in the least bit fun.
but i could tell. from the fact that i would take my cell phone with me, if i left. that it wasn't really the end just yet. just trying to send a message. get across how much this fucking hurts.
maybe i don't need to.
maybe it doesn't matter, but not for the reasons i usually think.

or, no. they're the same reasons. just viewed from a different perspective.
yeah, he doesn't love me. not like i love him, not ever. yeah, i fucked up and stabbed him in the heart, because i knew even if i didn't know how i would react. and yet i kept going, because of that fucking five percent.

everything says, that if you come out here, jim, if you marry me, it'll just be an escape. it'll just be a stopgap. a pit stop, not a destination. you don't expect for it to last, it's just the only feasible way you could be with me as long as i'm enlisted.

well. damn it. i thought that way too, at first.

and then i don't know. does sex change everything? does being around you again? does meeting my parents and realizing that, oh god, he fits in so well, oh god, i could spend the rest of my life with this guy?

was it just . . . the feeling of comfort and safety. for those first few nights when i'd fall asleep in your arms.

but you know. towards the end, you'd always turn away. and i was left to run my fingers down your back and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what i'd seen in folsom was the fucking truth.

you could never love me like her. ever.

and i've got to get out of this. before it kills me.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 23 October :: 2.36 pm

&in this dream we were both naked in a river, the current pulling strong back and under. [undertow] and i was scared. these dreams of drowning. but.

you held me and it didn't matter. in your arms, nothing can get to me.

then, of course, i woke up.

i love you, dear boy. i wish it didn't bring tears to my eyes to say so.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 19 October :: 2.46 pm

stupid. how i say i'll never give up. and then say exactly the opposite, that i already have.

but it's true, though. she's so hi~igh, high above me . . .

i don't know what her perspective is and i wish i did. if she feels anything for him at all, if she ever plans to act on it. if she'll fucking break his heart if she does.

there's nothing i can do about it from out here. she's there. he's there. i'm so very not. they hang out. he wants more than anything to be with her. he'll take me as a close second, but still . . . second best is second best. and he's around her.

i talk to him maybe half an hour a day. if that. they hang out and watch britcoms together for hours on end.

maybe she says she'll never have anything to do with him, but given the situation, how can i do anything but assume that i'm fucked?

it's just a waiting game but i can't see it turning out well at all.

myxomatosis