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2020 21 September :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Cascada - Evacuate the Dance Floor
OKay... We'll start small.
Gotta be honest right?... anxious and overwhelmed is not a new new feeling but talking about my feelings intensifies those emotional reactions. I am not even sure anyone will avidly read my posts. knowing people might read them at all intensifies my anxiety.... *deep breath* okay... um. My music is positive. That is a reflection of my emotional state past the anxiety. its not a bad day. Its nice out. I am getting around at some point and taking the dogs up north for a few days. I have no immediate financial concerns or responsibilities to deal with. I have kind of set myself up with a comfortable period for mourning. I know there is no right way to grieve but I feel what I have been doing is not working. I see a pattern of behavior developing that is dangerous for me and I need to try something else... so here this is.... I can already hear the little therapist in my head pushing me to share more... I will try to get there. Today I must start small. Today I miss my brother very much, Today I dont want to cry, but I will. I will also smile and love. Some parts of my day are gonna hurt. It all sucks right now and its so overwhelming.
So here are some of the major thoughts bouncing around my head....
I wonder how my ex is doing in a very passive aggressive way. I have a lot of anger over the person he turned out to be and didn't anything remotely like closure. But given the opportunity I cannot think of anything to say that would be worth the breath. part of me hopes he is doing bad cause I think he is a dickbag and its be nice if karma were real. but, also, part of me hopes he is doing well. Im not a soulless harpie who just stops caring for someone instantly.... I think thats all fairly normal after a break up.
I worry alot about how my younger brother is grieving and what he has lost. I stress about not knowing what to do or say to help him.
and there has been so much change lately I feel like I am left without a direction to move in. I cant even see whats out there my head is so foggy.... and I am afraid Im going to stay frozen... and overwhelmed...and not move anywhere.... and loose time.
time is too precious to waste like that...
so on that note. I am going to go pack for the woods. Just me and the dogs spending a few days in "sanctuary". That is what it is for me. Home. 20 acres in newaygo and a little pop up I renovated. I plan taking the dogs fishing in the canoe on Wednesday. its supposed to 77. post again when I am home.
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2020 21 September :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Mnt Joy - Silver Lining
Hello Ghosts of the Past.
... can you hear me?
I cant believe this place is still a thing.... I am extremely happy it is. I need a safe place to document all the shit floating around in my head before I drown in it.... So much dramatic change in such a short time. So much grief and emotion to deal with. It fucking sucks. That's the nature of the beast. Life carries on. Weather you want to deal or not. Its fucking hard... and this journal holds me grammatically responsible. I love that... no half thought out, momentary, spaz blabbery, posted out to a mass of judgmental, surface-deep, cyber sharks.... okay, maybe. ;)... fucking old school emojies <3.... a safe space. What is safer then an online journal from high school? where some of my closest friends and family could come read if they so choose? forcing me to open up the door just a bit to those who could most certainly be considered safe..... Wow... Where the fuck do I start? lol
Man oh man. Got my old job back :) I start tomorrow. Not a dream job, but it's income. I'm going to have to get back in the swing of using manners and people skills to assholes. Oh well, I did it once, I can do it again.
I've been doing alot better. Yeah, it sucks being secluded in a tiny town with no cell phone, but I now have a job, RJ has a job too, so things are getting alot better. I paint every day to keep stress, anxiety and depression at bay. And as hard as it's been, I still remain smoke free for over 4 months now. Things are coming together nicely :)
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2012 16 June :: 5.27am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Turning Pages-Sleeping At Last
I've waited a hundred years. but I'd wait a million more for you. nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do.
if I had only felt the warmth within your touch, if I had only seen how you smile when you blush, or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough, I would have known what i was living for all along. what I've been living for.
your love is my turning page, where only the sweetest words remain. every kiss is a cursive line, every touch is a redefining phrase.
I surrender who I've been for who you are, for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart. if I had only felt how it feels to be yours, well, I would have known what I've been living for all along. what I've been living for.
though we're tethered to the story we must tell, when i saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well. with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas. like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.
I cannot wait for spring! Why? cause that is when construction on our new apartment begins. I will finally be able to paint, put down carpet, help mom build a bathroom with a rainfall shower and a kitchen area. Not to mention the our own front door complete with lock. I am so excited and so tired of this basement!!!
My mom took me tanning for 10mins today. She thought it would help with my seasonal depression. Nope. I'm burnt. My back is on fire and I just want to go lay in the snow.
My poor lillyAna has an upper respiratory infection. His eyes are all goopy and swollen. It's pure torture to watch knowing the only thing I can do is keep him warm and keep his eyes clean. The general rule is if it doesn't clear up in 5 days then take him to the vet. I don't know if I can wait that long. He really isn't acting sick other then the goopy eyes. He still spent all afternoon playing with toys and eating twice his body weight. It just looks really nasty. I'm just at a loss.
Oh. for anyone confused by this post, LillyAna is my moms gender confused cat.
starting to get cabin fever. Its making me really short tempered. I have even less tolerance for Chase's poor "cinderfella" attitude and Derek's back-sass. This could be bad.
Remembered My Password.
Yeah... I need to start using this again. I don't know how much I will post but its nice to see whats going on is some of my favorite peoples lives... Mainly Raych, Beave, and Jordan. lol According to my friends list they are the only ones who still update. Love your faces.
Susie Home Maker <3
It's official, let the inevitable happen. I have become more domestic and wifey :) And you know what, I don't mind one bit. I honestly don't mind doing the housewife thing, I actually really like it. I'm surprised, I have actually caught myself wanting a recipe book for Christmas. Not one already filled with recipes, but one I can build as I go along. I want to cook, which is odd considering I've never had the urge to do so in the past. I'm eager to learn so that way I can be a good housewife. I don't know, it's a change from the way I was as a teenager, and I like it alot. Mood: Happy, Content, Joyful, Loved, Good in general :)