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the two sides on my brain need to have a meeting....

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:: 2004 7 February :: 12.45 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: beatles- hard day's night

arghhh

soooo i've been sick for like three weeks now. it's really starting to annoy me and i just wanna be healthy. i haven't been able to work out at all and it's driving me nuts. i'm gonna be the size of a whale on spring break if i don't get into the gym soon.

i'm also frustrated about a lot of stuff......such as, i'm sick of going to school and work, guys are assholes, my face broke out, i'm worried about getting my spring break money in on time, and i just feel all around stuck in a rut. i really wanna do something different today. either it has to be something productive or something really fun that i don't do that often. also it can't cost money cause i'm poor. anyways, i felt the need to vent my frustration so there it is!

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 30 January :: 3.45 pm
:: Mood: anticipating
:: Music: our lady peace- superman's dead

ahhhh yes..........

so i've had a really bad cold for the past week. it's to the point that if i cough, sometimes i can't stop and i feel my throat close up. when i went to the doctor last week, he said there was nothing wrong with me and told me to take over the counter cough medicine.

okay, whatever. so i had been taking the medicine all week, and then the night before last, i coughed so hard that i threw up. not just gagged, really threw up for like ten minutes straight because i couldn't stop coughing. so i went back to the doctor yesterday, and he's like 'oh, there's nothing wrong with your lungs, and it's not bronchial. i think your throat is just a little scratchy.' so he prescribes me claritin to help it, which is supposed to be for allergies. what a fucking moron. i've been taking it for a while now, and i feel no better.

i hate it when people think they know what they're talking about when they really don't.

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 27 January :: 12.35 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: steve miller band- stuck in the middle with you

snow day

soooo today school was cancelled! kinda ironic considering the fact that i was supposed to go on a field trip today. it's like the one time i actually get to go do something fun the school declares a snow day. murphy's law: what bad can happen will happen.

so anyways, people keep calling my house like i'm gonna die because i'm home alone with my brothers. my mom's in chicago, and my dad's at work, so they both have called like three times. my grandma called to see if i was okay, and my aunt helen has called me twice to make sure i was safe. she's like 'i don't want you driving anywhere, it's icy.' like she's my mother. i wasn't planning on going anywhere when she called me at six in the morning to announce the snow day anyways. then she calls at like 9:30 and was like 'did your dad call?' and told her he did, so she says, 'did he give you instructions for the day?' for the love of god, i'm 17 years old, not five. i know how to handle myself for a day. i feel so damn overprotected.

anyways, the woman my mom babysits for called my mom and told her that she needed a babysitter for today. so since my mom's out of town, i'm watching my little brother, the other little boy, and my other brother and friend are here dipping in his room. talk about disgusting. i got screwed on this snowday. hardcore.

so i'm playing monopoly junior with the two boys, and i get a phone call. it's a sergeant for the army and he's talkinga bout how they would give me $35,000 for college. i definitely don't wanna go in the army, but the guy on the phone was so convincing and nice, and the money is such a big issue that i ended up setting up a meeting with him this thursday to talk about it. talk about being suckered into doing something.

then i talk to my mom, and she says that albion college got my application and offered me $13,000 in scholarships to go there. i applied to albion because their coach wants me to swim there, but i didn't really know too much about it. i visited kalamazoo college on a recruiting trip, and the small school thing really wasn't for me. albion is just as small as kalamazoo, but for them to offer me that much money before they even give me my acceptance letter is kinda a big deal. my family doesn't have money at all, so having college paid for would be a big deal. plus, i would for sure get to swim, which would also be awesome. i'm torn between money and potential happiness at college. it sounds like an easy choice, because money is never what's important, but i also don't want my family to go bankrupt if i don't have enough scholarships to pay for duke or u of m.

i dunno, everything is really weird right now. oh well, i know it'll work itself out in the end.

*slammin sammy* (lol spring hill nickname)

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 25 January :: 5.58 pm
:: Mood: changed
:: Music: AM Drive

Spring Hill

so this weekend i went to spring hill with lauren, mary, and kallie, and a buncha other people. it was sooo much fun. coming from a person who has never consistenly gone to church i can say i had a really good time. there was so much stuff to do, so many cool people, and so much to think about.

our team won the broomball championship! when it was -17 outside! and our eyelashes were frozen!

am drive, the band there, was amazing. the fact that they can take christian music and make it so good that hundreds of teenagers wanna hear it is really cool. plus they're hot.

even though i went there with only the premise of having a good time, the trip actually made me think about my faith a lot. honestly, i have never really known what i believed in, and i'm still not sure if i do, but to see eight hundred kids singing from their hearts, guys on their knees crying, and just an overall sense of unity was overwhelming. i have never seen a group of young people so totally joined by their faith. if that many people can be so devoted to God and believe the doctrines of their faith so strongly, then obviously there has to be some fact behind it all. the problem for me is that i've always been sort of a logical person, so the idea of a holy spirit has never seemed believable to me. obviously, the universe had to be created somehow, but since i'm not really educated in any one religion, i've never really been sure of what my take on the whole thing should be. i was baptised catholic, and went to catechism and had my communion, then stopped going. i recently joined the youth group at the same church, and when i went back and sat through a few masses, the whole catholic thing seemed a little cult-like to me. some of the ideas were right, but i also completely disagreed with some of the other ways they chose to worship and whatnot. this camp was sorta a non-denominational christian thing, and i was totally touched by the things that the speaker and some other people had said.

the feeling that came over me was indescribable, but somehow good. i'm not really sure what to think now, but if anything i definitely took a deeper look into myself.

the atmosphere at spring hill made me not wanna leave. i didn't think once about school, work, family, or any other drama that plagues me back home. i was totally laid back. the people there were amazing. everyone was comfortable with themselves and so accepting and friendly towards everyone else. i wish people here could take their heads out of their asses and be like that once in a while.

not to be bitter or anything. that's not what i'm trying to do. in fact, i feel great. all of my stress has left me at least for a while, and i'm really glad that i went.

*samantha*elizabeth*

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 20 January :: 2.35 pm
:: Mood: rushed
:: Music: a mix of a buncha old songs...

finals week....

sooooo.....finals are finally here!

it's actually not that bad so far, cause my math final is just like a regular test and my world lit teacher says we haven't learned enough to have a final.....i am so happy about that you have no idea. if i had to take a world lit final i'd be screwed; her quizzes hurt my grades enough as it is.

after this week is over, i'm gonna have a fun weekend. i'm going to spring hill w/ lauren, and i'm really excited about it. we get to snowboard and do a bunch of other cool stuff, so i'm looking forward to having a fun, stress-free weekend.

anyways, staying on the topic of school, we are done with it in like four months!!!!! part of me is ecstatic, and the other part is totally bummed out. over the past few months, my thoughts about graduation have changed drastically. instead of wanting to get as far away from here as i can, i now feel like i just need a little distance, but not so much that home isn't reachable. i guess the reality of leaving is just hitting me.

spring break is in three months!!!!! jamaica is gonna be the most amazing trip ever. i'm gonna be in a beautiful resort with some of my favorite people. who could ask for a better vacation? the only thing is, paying for it is definitely becoming a source of frustration. i'm on the borderline of whether i'll be able to get it all in by the deadline next month, and it's causing me quite a bit of stress. i know that my parents would spot me a hundred or two if it came down to it, and then i could just pay them back later, but i don't want them to have to help me. they told me before i took on this responsibility that i would have to pay for it by myself, and i reassured them several times that i would be able to do it. if i can't pay for the trip by myself, i will definitely be disappointing myself and probably them too. i'm about 50% sure that i'll be able to get the money in, but we'll see what happens.

so yeah, there are two days left till our outside reading report is due for world lit, and i haven't even cracked open the book yet. i'm supposed to read 'animal farm,' and i heard it's a pretty easy book, so i know i'll be able to get it done on time. i really need to stop with this procrastination stuff though.

i haven't worked out in like five days. i feel like a worthless piece of crap about that. i just have so much other stuff on my mind that exercise has taken a spot on the back burner. the less i work out, the less i wanna do it, and the more i work out, the more enthusiastic i am about it. kinda weird how that works. i should be heading to the gym today, and i'm hoping i'll be able to work out every day this week, so i'll get back on track.

i have a problem following through with relationships. i'll meet a guy, and like him a lotttt, and talk to him for a while, then after a couple weeks i end up getting caught up in other things and forgetting about the whole ordeal. i'm on the borderline of doing that right now, and i'm glad i noticed it before i just threw another potential relationship in the trash. it's sorta like the working out thing; it just gets put on the back burner. i have about 50 back burners and one in the front....maybe i need to work on juggling my priorities a little better. or even my thoughts. as i speak i'm going off topic, so i'm gonna get back on it. the guy. i like him a lot, and i know that he likes me, and we talk and stuff, but then something new will take up the space in my mind that i had initially reserved for him. i need to step up, stop shying away from committment, and focus my attention on one thing at a time.

so my dad's work is going out of business in two months. it really sucks, and i feel horrible for him. i don't even care about the money, particularly the fact that we'll have less of it; i just feel bad for my dad cuz i can tell he feels like he's not doing a good enough job to support us. even though it's not his fault at all. he has put out like 20 applications to all these different places, but hasn't heard back yet. i really hope that he gets a new job. i hope it's better than his current one is, cause he works so hard and doesn't earn half of what he should. since his job is gonna be gone, so is our insurance. so my mom has been making appointments for my brothers and i like crazy. in the next week, i have an eye appointment, two doctor appointments, and a dentist appointment. although our situation is not funny, i think this appointment thing is.

i guess i'm glad that i'm able to make the best of a bad situation. i know that feeling depressed about any bad stuff that happens won't get me anywhere. i just need to smile, put my head up, and keep giving the world what i have to offer.

wow....ended on a sorta deep note there....haha

*samantha elizabeth*

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 17 January :: 9.46 pm
:: Mood: just sorta here
:: Music: britney spears-toxic

you can't handle the truth!

so i've been thinking about this a lot.....
did you ever notice how when you're in love, or when you have a crush on someone, the things that happen to you?

when you see that person, your palms get all sweaty, you have butterflies in your stomach, and your heart is racing

on an everyday basis, those would be bad things, like a sign of illness, but in the situation of love, they are perfectly normal. I guess that's why love can't ever really be explained, and why love changes so many people's lives.

so the next time you're frustrated because you can't understand what the opposite sex is doing to you, just know that it's perfectly normal. it might seem fucked up at the time, but life doesn't always make sense.

actually, love is the only logical act. i don't know of anything that could make me feel as wonderful as love. even that little inkling of a crush on someone makes the rest of the world's insanity fade into the background.

so for those of you who are too afraid to love because of fear of rejection, or being hurt in the past, or feeling shy, or whatever reason, you need to realize that having love and losing it is better than never having loved at all.

i sound like a book of cheesy quotations, but i really mean this. why else would we be put on this earth if love wasn't here for us? to make buildings, and create new technology? no. whatever higher power is up there wanted us to experience the amazing feeling of loving and being loved, whether it's in a romantic or familial way.

be happy that you have someone who loves you. some people don't have that. and for those of you who don't have it, go out and find someone who makes you happy and makes you feel like you are worth it. everyone has something incredible to offer humanity, and i also believe that there is someone our there for everyone to love.

go and show the world that you do have love in your heart. make someone's day. why can't people understand that it's not about the success, or the money, or any of that material stuff? the only thing that is of value is what you can give to other people. if you base your life by what you can receive from others, you won't get too far.

love everyone. everyone has something about them that is loveable, even if they don't show it. if everyone realized that the only worthwhile part of living was loving, the world would be at peace.

i just hope that before i die, i can convince people to see the good in the world

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 13 January :: 9.46 pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: incubus

should i or shouldn't i?

i'm having a little dilemma....
it deals with not knowing whether or not i should grow a pair and step up about something....
i don't really want everyone in the world to know about it....so that's all i'm gonna say
haha kinda worthless journal entry but i guess i felt like it

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 10 January :: 9.43 am
:: Mood: elated
:: Music: hootie and the blowfish

sigh.....

i have the most amazing life ever....i am so happy about so many different things!

yesterday, i gave blood! and you have no idea how afraid of needles i am. they are my biggest fear in the world. usually when i come into contact with needles i immediately pass out, but this time, i felt perfectly fine. a lot of the people at the blood drive were dropping like flies, but i didn't even get dizzy! i am so proud of myself for overcoming my fear, and really happy i was able to help someone.

and then there's this guy.... :) he makes me so happy, i'm not even gonna talk about it...so if you were planning on finding out any dirt you're outta luck...haha

*Samantha*

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 4 January :: 6.47 pm
:: Mood: conflicted
:: Music: sheryl crow- the first cut is the deepest

i am in a very weird emotional place right now.

one minute i feel like i'm on top of the world because i'll get so psyched about one thing or another, and the next thing i know, i start thinking about other stuff that really makes me feel sad. the emotional highs and lows are really wearing me down. i'm never a sad person, and i know i'm not severely depressed or anything, but some stuff has been bugging me lately. a bunch of personal stuff that i don't really wanna talk about with a lot of people. fortunately, the friends that know about it have done a great job listening and being supportive of me, so it's helped. i guess i'm just not used to facing a situation that i don't know how to handle. i've really found myself feeling like i'm standing in the middle of a field, turning in circles and looking around cause i don't really know which way to go next. i need a little direction in my life.

even though i'm a little sad, i know that everything that's bugging me will be better soon. i know that just like the good times have an end, so do the bad times. so while right now might not be the greatest, i'm doing my best to keep my head up and focus on living in the moment and preparing for the future. i think if everyone adopted this philosophy, a lot of people would be a lot happier. sure, the world is full of violence, prejudice, poverty, and immorality, but it's also bursting with kindness, acceptance, pleasure, and beauty. i figure that as long as i have something good in my life and someone who loves me, i'll be okay.

the only way you'll make it through life satisfied is if you make the best of every situation. i truly believe this, and i will always live by this rule.

give me some lovin!


:: 2004 1 January :: 11.51 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: party like it's 1999

wow
okay, last night was new year's eve....

there are so many things i could say about it, but to keep it short, it was an awesome time.

i'm not really sure what i should be feeling about the stuff that happened though....only a few people know what i'm talking about

anyways, happy new year everyone!!!

*samantha*

give me some lovin!


:: 2003 28 December :: 12.32 am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: jennifer lopez-play

i really feel like i need to write something right now.
do you ever get that feeling where you're so over everything that's going on and you just wanna forget about it for a day but you can't? yeah that's me right now. i feel like i have a bunch of creative energy bottled up inside of me.

not that i've experienced anything particularly inspirational lately. in fact, it's been just the opposite. it's christmas vacation, but nothing seems different. christmas was two days ago and it doesn't seem like it even happened. so many other pointless worries are floating around in my head that they get in the way of me trying to think. yeah that sounds weird. i should have been happy to be with my family, and for the most part i was, but then issues would come into my mind and push my family out of the way. my psyche is taking control of my brain.

once again, sounding like a crazy person. but hey, it's one in the morning. i'm tired, and i wanna go to bed, but i know the same thing will start again. i'll start thinking about certain deadlines i have to make, or certain relationship problems, and even though i know that at one in the morning there's nothing i can do to fix them, and that i'll have to wait till morning to do anything anyways, i can't get them out of my head. my stupid problems are getting the better of me. this isn't like me at all. i've had a tough time falling asleep over the past month or so, and while i'm sleeping, the people/things involved in my problems end up in my dreams. it's really annoying.

a lot of the basis of me worrying is my own procrastination or laziness. i'll lay under the blanket, disappointed in myself for not getting done what i said i'd get done that day. not just cause i didn't have enough time, but because my conscious mind pushed the important things aside to make room for more superficial pleasures, like shopping, hanging out with friends, eating, and a number of other unproductive endeavors.
then i worry myself sick because i haven't accomplished anything significant and i worry that i never will. part of it is a fear of failure. i'm coming to a turning point in my life in which i am becoming an adult, and i'm afraid that if i make a committment or decision during such a monumental period and it ends up not working out, that i am worthless. see, throughout my entire life, i don't think i've ever truly failed at anything. i've always excelled in school, because it was always easy for me, i've always done pretty well in sports, because i've dedicated myself, and i've always been satisfied with my social life, because i make an effort to embrace the good in everyone. so i've really never done anything big that could disappoint me or my parents. as a result, any minor failure seems huge and magnified. for example, when i don't do well on a test, i am disgusted. in my mind, it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and bring my destruction. or for another example, swimming. i get nervous for big meets like everyone else, but i'm exactly the same way for a little dual meet. we could be swimming against the crappiest team in the league, and i could walk into a race knowing i'm about to destroy my opponents, but the thought that i might not get a personal best time makes me nervous almost to the point of being physically ill. i can't eat for like four hours before i swim, and i can't eat during meets. i could be starving, but i know i can't eat at a meet because it'll all come up because of my nervous nausea. i finish my last race so completely drained of energy that i often can't get out of the pool, and i know i'd feel better if i ate, but i get too nervous during the meets. but now if i take it all into perspective, it doesn't even matter. a week later, i forget about it. but i get so worked up about the possibility of failing that i drive myself nuts.

now i've always been afraid of messing up, but lately the fear is getting to me. for the past year or so i've adopted the lifestyle of just going with the flow, and so far, it's been great. i've never been happier. but more recently, i haven't been 'flowing' as well, if you will. i've been letting the fear of making a bad decision run my life. it's kinda sick. and i need to stop. i think i'm afraid to grow up. i'm afraid i'll make the wrong decision and have an unhappy adulthood. but the funny thing is, i don't know what kind of adulthood would make me feel fulfilled and unhappy. i could see myself as a journalist just as easily as i could see myself being a housewife with ten kids. i'm afraid of not knowing what i want. i know that everything will work itself out, and i should just keep going with the flow, but i can't.

stuff that i have to get done just picks at the inside of me until i feel like i'm gonna explode. i close my eyes and think about it and it gives me the chills. as i'm sitting here i'm thinking about stuff that i should be dedicating my time to doing, and it physically sends a chill up my spine. it's almost painful. my brain is all over the place. either i need to get extremely stoned or meditate, because my mind is definitely not relaxed.

this nervous anxiety really makes me not wanna grow up. i saw the peter pan movie, the new one with real people, and i loved it. the way neverland was portrayed makes me want to live there, and never grow up, and forget about everything that i know. i used to think i was grown up, but the older i get, the younger and more naive i feel. i want to stay a child forever, free of worrying, stress, and problems. childhood is a place where sadness is only temporary. a child can't be consumed by an unhappy thought; the attention span of a child is too short for that. i wish i had the ability to still take pleasure in the simple, wonderful things in life. i mean, i still can, but it's not the practical thing for someone in my stage of life to be doing. i need to be focused on going to college, and getting ahead in life. at least that's what the adults tell me. personally, if the world was perfect, i think it would be nothing like it is now. for one, the competition to get into college or get a good job would be completely eliminated. humans are captivated by money, and i just can't take it anymore. i wish that people could take the time to lay down in a field and smell the flowers instead of yelling at someone on a cell phone or pouring over books to study for a big exam.
i just want to be a child again.

well, i feel a little better now, but i know this will never be resolved, because the world will never change. i want to go to sleep and live in a happy dream.

give me some lovin!


:: 2003 22 December :: 12.44 am
:: Mood: beyond confused...just plain frustrated
:: Music: beach boys- surfin usa

okay, i need some help with a serious relationship problem.

see, for the past year or two, whenever a guy starts liking me, i become totally annoyed by him. it seems like everything he does is another thing to add onto the list of actions that disgust me. this guy could be the greatest guy in the world, but as soon as he starts liking me, i don't feel like i'm being challenged anymore. it's almost like a game i play in my head that once i know i'm capable of getting that guy, it's not worth my time anymore. to put this into perspective, it's happened with about 10 guys at least.

i don't know how guys somehow fall under the impression that in order to obtain a girl, you have to be at her beck and call in the relationship. i don't want a guy who's whipped. i don't want a guy who's constantly doing sweet things for me. i mean yeah, it's nice once in a while, but when it's always happening, it's a little pathetic. i don't want to have the upper hand in a relationship. for god's sake, guys, be an asshole once in a while. go out with the guys. don't act like you have to please me all the time. you need to show a girl that you're interested in her by taking pleasure in her company and making her laugh, not by acting unceasingly sensitive and lovey-dovey.

i mean, i can't freaking take it. as soon as that guy starts the whole "i'm gonna be sweet to you" deal, i might as well be packing my bags cause i'm outta there.

i think the game works both ways too, because the whipped guy sees the annoyed girl as a challenge, so he continues to act more romantic in an effort to get her to like him, because logically that's what the girl would want, but it's not realistically what she wants. realistically she wants him to show interest but at the same time show that he has a life outside of her. revolving around one person is not the way to live.

if i'm going to like a guy, it won't be because of the sweet things he does. i would like him initially because of his personality, not because of his willingness to drop everything and put his masculinity on hold because of me. i don't want a girlfriend, i want a freaking man! wake up and smell the damn testosterone.

so anyways, back to the me not liking these dudes thing. i think i'm initially attracted to a certain type of guy, as most people are. the problem is, a different type of guy is initially attracted to me. so my personal preference for guys is working against me. i'm not just talking physically, either. the personality that i'm looking for is someone who won't be afraid to take the upper hand in a relationship. i'm an opinionated person, and i want someone who's not afraid to be opinionated right back at me and disagree. this goes right back to the guys liking me thing. for some unknown reason, every guy that takes interest in me automatically loses all sense of self and turns into a mindless 'samantha-loving' machine. it's creepy. this could either be because they think they're truly in love with me (doubtful because of the fact that we're not even together to begin with) or because they think that the way they act will make me like them more (not gonna happen, i wanna like someone for who they are). the latter especially annoys me when it's a guy who was already my friend. it's like, if i'm friends with you, and we get along great, then why would i want you to change in order to be in a relationship with me? the only difference between platonic guy-girl best friends and boyfriend and girlfriend is the physical aspect of it. doing nice things to show you care once in a while is great, but it's not special when it's unceasing. it's a sign of desperation and self-consciousness, and lack of confidence is a huge turnoff.

i guess what i'm trying to get at is that i'm scared that all guys are gonna act like this. girls are always trying to make themselves feminine and pretty, and boys try to be as masculine and strong as possible, but then once a relationship starts, the guy suddenly feels the need to be mr. sensitive. sensitivity is good in moderate doses, as is the testosterone-driven 'manly man.'

i just hope that i'll find a guy who knows how to balance it out. i sound really picky right now, and if i could help it, i'd pick the guy who is sweet all the time hands down. but this problem that i have is purely chemical, and it's a mind game, and until i find a guy who can just act freaking normal about everything and not let the relationship get weird, i'm gonna have to be single.

is it too much to ask to get a hot guy around here?

phew....

*samantha*

give me some lovin!


:: 2003 16 December :: 5.55 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: frosted flakes commercial theme song

sometimes i wonder....
uhhhh not really much going on, except

THREE DAYS LEFT TILL VACATION!!!

in case you can't tell, i absolutely cannot wait till it starts. i like being at school w/ all my favorite people, but i just need a freakin break. i can't wait to be able to sleep in!

anyways, on a less depressing topic, i have been extremely happy lately. not just content, like really happy for no reason. i guess i'm just enjoying my senior year.

plus my stalker hasn't talked to me in about two days. i think he's starting to get the hint that i'd rather gag myself than hear him talk about my 'purdy eyes' one more time.

one issue in my life: the blood drive is jan. 9, and i really want to give blood. i'm old enough to do it and i know it would be a really good thing to do. there's just one miniscule little problem. i have an overwhelming, irrational fear of needles. i don't just get squeamish around them, they are seriously my biggest fear. like when i was 12 i practically climbed under the doctor's examining table to escape the nurse who was trying to give me a shot.

that's when my fear began. see, the nurse came in with this tray full of shiny needles, like you see on tv. so i say, 'is this going to hurt much?' the nurse responds, 'oh, this will just hurt a little bit, dear.' (mind you, this was in the most satanic, ungodly terrifying tone i have ever heard) so, i think i had reason to be scared. so i start crying and then it was all over. about two years later, i had to have my blood drawn and i passed out. last year, when i got my belly button pierced (i don't know why i did this, i didn't feel scared at the time) i almost passed out.

so now i'm worried about going to school, having them stick the needle in my arm, and me passing out or puking all over. not only would i be a little embarassed, but i would also feel like crap. i don't know how to explain the feeling i get when i have a needle in my arm. i get the chills and have hot flashes simultaneously, and my whole body beads up with sweat. it's almost like i lose control of myself. i feel like i'm about to vomit and pee my pants at the same time. maybe i'm so scared just because i don't like not being in control of myself.

i've decided that regardless of whether i want to or not, helping someone else will be worth the time that i feel like i'm about to die. so even though i'm scared, i'm gonna make myself go through with it. feel free to give me a pep talk so i'll be able to pull through it.

*samantha elizabeth*

give me some lovin!


:: 2003 11 December :: 4.22 pm
:: Mood: calm as a cucumber
:: Music: mariah carey- all i want for christmas is you

well, the days are narrowing down. that's right, christmas is on its way!!!

i love christmas, but this year i don't think i'm gonna be able to buy anyone gifts. see, since i have to pay $1100 to go to jamaica for spring break, it's kinda hindering my spending habits. i know it sounds selfish that i cant get my family gifts b/c of spring break, but i've already committed to it and paid like $300 that is non refundable. so yeah i feel bad about that.

what i'm most pumped about is vacation. if i have to walk into pdm or world lit a few more times, i'll probably cry.

so nothing much has been going on in my life. i still miss swimming like it's my job, which is why i've been swimming and hanging with the guys team as much as humanly possible. i try not to think about it, but i'm still really upset that it's over.

for some good news, i have a crush on someone!!! i sound like a 12 year old girl, but it's true. i haven't had a crush on anyone in a long time and it makes me feel all tingly when i see him :)

for some bad news, someone has a crush on me. someone sick, and obnoxious, and rude. i'm nice to him because he has a really crappy life, but it's getting out of control. he told me the other day that i have pretty eyes, and now every time he walks by me he says, "purrrdy eyes, purrrdy eyes, purrrdy eyes," in this little song tone that makes me want to vomit. the other day i was standing reading this thing that was posted on a wall, and i turn around, and he's standing right behind me. have you ever seen on 'hey arnold' how that kid with the glasses always stands behind helga and breathes really loud and stares at her? that's what it's like. i feel like i have a puppy following me around, but it's a puppy that bites and has fleas.

enough about that. i've been really happy with my life for the most part, except the aforementioned issues. i really don't have anything to complain about, so i guess that's about it.

~*~Samantha Elizabeth~*~

give me some lovin!


:: 2003 3 December :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: I'm too sexy for my shirt

wow haven't written in a longgg time

well, swimming's over now, and i am extremely depressed about it.
i mean really depressed.
i'm going to miss the girls on the team so much, i don't even want to think about it. i just can't comprehend the fact that i will never get to practice or have meets or team dinners or sleepovers with them ever again. i go over it in my head, but it doesn't seem to register that i'm not a member of ths swimming and diving anymore. my coaches are no longer my coaches, and my teammates are no longer my teammates.
i just wanna cry when i think about it. i really do. i honestly don't even know how to describe the way it makes me feel.
i think eventually other things will be happening to me and i'll forget about it for a little while, but the memories with my team and the fact that it's over will always reside in the back of my mind.
and then there's that one regret:
even though i trained more in the offseason than a lot of my teammates, i wish i would have trained harder. yeah i had my fastest season ever, and i had a ton of fun, but i could have trained more. so to all you underclassmen who don't really feel like going to that optional practice, it might seem like an inconvenience now, but later, you'll remember more about how fast you were able to swim than about how hard that one practice was. so work your ass off while you can, because before you know it, it'll be over

give me some lovin!

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