damn
well, i signed in with the hopes of writing a poem, because i felt like i had one in there somewhere, but by the time i sat down and got comfortable with my laptop, i was too sleepy to think clearly. i think it's because i've sorta been running all day today, and once again didn't get a lot of sleep last night. *big surprise* i've been staying up sooo late for no reason, then getting up and going to class. ugh. i need to go to bed sometime before midnight tonight. or even sometime before one would be good.

i played soccer and kickball today with some of the girls from the team, which was fun, but exhausting when you haven't run anywhere in about a year. i mean, i'm in decent physical shape from doing dryland and swimming, but the only running i've done has been on the elliptical and the air was still a little chilly outside today, so i'm pretty beat.

i literally sat down on my futon with my laptop five minutes ago, and by the time i got to this site to write a poem everything was all foggy because i'm getting sleepy. speaking of which, i'm gonna take a nap before i finish my homework...maybe i'll write a poem when i'm awake.

is there a god?
i've been seriously asking myself this question for a little over a year now, and the answer has consistently and logically popped into my head as "no". i'm having a crisis of faith...well i guess not a crisis, more like a continual void. i guess i should start at the beginning.

i was baptised catholic. when i was little, i went to catholic church every sunday with my grandma. i went with her because my dad's family is technically non-practicing serbian orthodox and my mom's side forced her to to go catholic church at least once a week for 18 years so she hates it now. anyways, i liked going to church back then. not for the religious aspect, but because i love my grandma and thought she was cool and wanted to spend time with her. i mean, i believed in God in a very abstract sense; in my four-year-old mind, he was a guy with long hair and a beard who was in heaven and made babies and animals and the earth and decided whether or not you could get into heaven once you died. okay, so, i went all the time, liked it, and made my first communion when i was eight. fun stuff. pretty dress, presents...the whole deal. after that, when i would go to catechism, my new teacher was a bitch, i hated the class, and i started to get a little bored by going to mass (since every single one is basically the same thing and pretty much cult-like to me now that i look back on it). soooo, i gradually stopped going to catechism, and i would go to church once in a while when i felt like going, but it was no biggie.

after that, my entire life, i remember believing in God but always wondering where the proof of him existed. Even when i was really little. i've always been one to question stuff like that. i mean, just because the bible says something doesn't mean that it's necessarily true...at least for me; i'm not the kind of person who just throws a bunch of blind faith into something. anyways. by the time i was in middle school/first year of high school, i pretty much never went to church or did anything religious. i was a busy girl.

in the middle of my sophomore year, my grandma told me about a youth group at st joe's, the same church i had always gone to, and thought i might like it. so, i took courtney and allison with me and went. they met on sunday nights when i had nothing better to do, and i could hang out with my friends and eat popcorn and stuff like that, so i didn't mind it. they didn't really force anything religious down our throats with the exception of the occasional church service or reference to god, which was good, because if they had started to force crap onto me, i would have been out of there. so i did that for the last three years of high school, and it was fun. whatever.

for the past year or so, i've seriously been contemplating the god issue. i mean, why should i believe in a religion (particularly catholic) that forces blind faith in and fear of god and says that any nonbelievers will burn in hell? that's just not for me. politics have influenced me a little bit, too. i do not in any way believe homosexuality is wrong; the whole gay marriage issue has gotten me fired up...why shouldn't they be able to get married? i also believe in a woman's right to choose whether or not she wants to have an abortion...stuff like that. basically christianity has completely gone against it and condemned those who don't, which is not my deal. the combination of those among many other issues have made me become pretty much anti-christian in the past year.

so, i had at least made some progress in figuring out what i believed, or didn't believe. i knew that i was not a christian, for sure. a while back, i heard someone mention the word agnosticism, which i was unfamiliar with, but knew that it was something about being unsure of the existence of a god/goddess and the nature of the universe. i didn't think too much about it.

this semester, in philosophy, we have been reading a lot of arguments trying to prove or disprove the existence of god. basically, every argument was either based on blind faith, once again, or so easy to disprove that it was totally unconvincing. further proof for me that i didn't have to believe in one. i had been riding the fence, seriously leaning towards atheism, until the past few days. i've been hearing agnosticism mentioned randomly and i've been thinking about it a lot, so i decided to just learn more about it, which i am in the process of doing. here are some of the things from the first website i came across:

"Definition of Agnostic:
Agnosticism is a concept, not a religion. It is a belief related to the existence or non-existence of God.

An agnostic is a person who feels that God's existence can neither be proved nor disproved, on the basis of current evidence. Agnostics note that some theologians and philosophers have tried to to prove, for millennia, that God exists. Others have attempted to prove that God does not exist. Neither side has convincingly succeeded at their task.

An agnostic usually holds the question of the existence of God open, pending the arrival of more evidence. They are willing to change their belief if some solid evidence or logical proof is found in the future. However, some have taken the position that there is no logical way in which the existence or the non-existence of a deity can be proven."

and more...

"Famous Agnostics:
Charles Darwin, a 19th century British self-taught geologist and writer. He attended a course in theology at Christ's College, Cambridge. Darwin wrote in two places in his book "Life and Letters" about his personal faith:

"The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us; and I for one must be content to remain an Agnostic."CD

"I think an Agnostic would be the more correct description of my state of mind. The whole subject [of God] is beyond the scope of man's intellect." CD

"Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear". --Thomas Jefferson ""

and more...

"Further definitions:
George Smith, the author of "Atheism" divides agnostics into two types:

Agnostic theists: those who believe that a deity probably exists;
Agnostic atheists: those who believe that it is very improbable that a deity exists.

Another category of Agnostic is "empirical Agnostics." They believe that God may exist, but that little or nothing can be known about him/her/it/them.

Still another category are "Agnostic Humanists." These individuals are undecided about the existence of God. Further, they do not really consider the question to be particularly important. They have derived their moral and behavioral codes from secular considerations. Their ethical behavior would not be altered if a deity were proven to exist.""

sorry if i'm boring you with information, but i'm experiencing a serious turning point in my life, and i feel like writing about it.

first of all, i think that charles darwin's and thomas jefferson's quotes are some of the most clear and beautiful and meaningful words i have heard in a long time. they make a lot of sense to me. if this website is really exemplifying what agnosticism means, then i am agnostic. i feel like i identify particularly strongly with the agnostic humanist category. actually, right now i identify perfectly with that group.

i guess it's more of an opposite to religion than a religion. it's not pretending to know everything (like almost every other religion does). i don't pretend to know anything about the nature of the universe and where it came from, and i don't plan on it until someone proves it to me. it's interesting to think about it, and i'm content with not knowing. some people might be too self-righteous or scared to admit that they're not sure how we got here or why we're here, but i'm satisfied.

i guess the feeling that's been in the back of my mind since i can remember is something that other people have felt and contextualized for years. that makes me feel really good. not because i can finally identify with part of a religious group (because agnosticism is not a religion), but because i know i'm not stupid or alone for thinking the way i do. sure, christians might think i'm burning in hell, and that's fine with me. i don't believe in hell, so screw it. other people can believe what they want, but i just don't want it pushed into my face anymore. it's the most stifling thing in the world...another reason that i feel gw should not be president, but i won't get into that. i'm just really peaceful all of a sudden. i guess i'm really glad that i can stop wondering what i identify with.

i mean, i'm still not sure. i've been looking into buddhism a little, and even though the initial history of it (siddhartha) is a little sketchy and mystical for me, i think the concept of impermanence, cultivating the good, eliminating the evil, and purifying one's mind are great. i could deal with that too. maybe i should start a religion called agnostic buddhism. who knows. i don't know why i feel like i should be part of some group, but i feel like i should. or at least, i want to know that other people think the way i do. it's a comforting thought.

i'm kind of afraid to tell people about it, though. i mean, i've sort of expressed my thoughts in a very very toned down way, but i don't want to deal with all the crap i might take if i decide to become agnostic or buddhist or an agnostic buddhist. ha. i know my grandma would probably have a heart attack or disown me, and i'm pretty sure the rest of my family would be weirded out by it. i dunno. i think i just need to be myself and forget about what other people want if i want to make myself happy.

uhhh

i haven't written in a little while, i guess. i've been busy having fun and whatnot. yeah, and by fun, i mean school. except that it's not fun at all. it blows, especially for someone who could make a profession out of procrastination. the year is wrapping up pretty quickly, and i have about ten gazillion papers to write, exams to prepare for, and presentations to give. and you know i'm gonna put them all off until the last minute. it's what i do.

anyways, while i've been working hard, i've been playing hard too. you can't have one without the other unless you want to go insane. with that said, in the past seven days, i have gone out four times. i could have gone out more, but i figured i should give it a rest and not have my body completely break down...which it almost did on sunday night. let's just say there is a two hour period that i have absolutely no memory of, and i'm not quite sure why. yeah....

i don't really know why i'm writing right now, because i don't have all that much to say, but i guess i just sort of feel like doing that 'stream of consciousness' rambling sort of thing.

my tv broke like 2 weeks ago, or so katie and i thought. after missing two episodes of the oc, we figured out that the microwave had bumped into this button on the wall that turned off the cable connection. yes, we're that smart. so basically i was looking up episode summaries when i could have actually watched it. yesssss.

swimming's been going okay. basically just cardio, dryland, and a few thousand yards a day, which isn't too bad. the ncaa girls did pretty well....14th in the nation! i'm proud of them. teenie and smitty leave for world trials next week. after that, the season is officially over for everyone, and basically it is going to be constant insane partying. i can't wait.

it's finally starting to feel a little like spring (knock on wood). today it got up to at least like 45 degrees. i'm seriously considering laying out if it stays like this. you wimps in warmer places might think i'm insane, but i don't care. i need something warmer than negative a million. the beginning of spring and warm weather is by far one of the happiest parts of my year, every year. i can smell the mud outside instead of the snow, and it just makes me want to do a cartwheel. i discovered this sometime around middle school. i mean yeah, everyone looks forward to spring and is happy when it's nice outside, but i've noticed that spring literally and drastically alters the chemicals in my body. i can feel it. i just really hope it stays this way.

basically i have nothing else to write about because i'm boring, so i'm gonna go.

libraries
so this sort of sucks i guess. i thought that life would be so much easier once swimming was over and all i had to do was school, but i was wrong. it seems like all of my teachers decided to make my classes ridiculously hard, right after i had just missed an entire week for big tens. i got a c+ on my last spanish quiz and a b- on my philosophy midterm. ugh. i did manage to pull an a on my english paper, the entirety of which i wrote the night before.

we had another paper due this morning, a research paper that needed eight sources, which i decided to choose a topic for and start researching at 9:30 last night. smart move. usually i can whip out a paper in a couple of hours with no problem, but i severely underestimated the dilemma that awaited me in the library. my paper was on italian immigrant assimilation in the 1920s. i know, fascinating, right? anyways, our teacher had showed us how to use the databases in the library to find the names of books that would help us, but she made it look much easier than it actually was. i now hate research.

basically from 9:30 until 11 i was just finding the names of sources on the computer, and after that, i had to actually venture into the libraries and fnd them. these libraries are so big, they actually have little cards with maps that say which call numbers are on which parts of which floors. crazy. so i started off in the ugli, which was hard enough for me to navigate in the first place, but most of the books i needed were in the grad library. big mistake. no joke, the grad library is as big as my high school was. maybe bigger. so i go into the front desk, and she gives me this paper that has a big map of the library and where certain call numbers are located. fun times. so i step into the library, map in hand, and look around, and there are a bunch of doors but not much indication of which one i should enter to find what i needed. basically i stood in this marble room listening to the echo of my own breathing for a minute to get my bearings. it was that quiet.

it took me an hour to find fve books for which i had the call numbers. i seriously could have gotten lost in the stacks. i think that you could kill someone in there and they would not find the body for a week. i figured this out while i was meanering my way through them. i found a book that i thought might help, so i started looking through it, and i realized that i had been in there reading for 15 minutes without having heard a single sound or noticing any sign of human life in the general proximity. this freaking library is that big. ginormous. i also figured out that it would be a good place to take a nap because you're surrounded by books, which aren't exactly going to keep you awake, and it's dead silent in there because it would take several thousand people just to make it so that there were a few people in each very large room.

i think i'm going to go there to study and do homework from now on. people always talked about going to the library to get their work done and i thought it was the dumbest thing ever, but now that i actually went, it makes sense. the ugli is social, and the grad library is pretty much the perfect place to study. so now i found a place that will force me to do work....or at least catch up on some sleep.

anyways, by midnight i had finished getting books for my paper, and i headed back to the dorms to write it up on the ninth floor. this paper sucks arse. not my writing, but the topic in general. it's so hard for me to come up for a theme for a historical topic. i hate facts and research books and stuff like that. the only purpose of them is for me to further my own knowledge on a topic, and personally, i could do without that knowledge. i don't need to know about the labor conditions for early 20th century workers in urban areas, and that's the bottom line. our teacher told us that the purpose of this paper was to learn how to research. i don't need to know that. the purpose of college is to become better in your chosen area of study, and i don't want to be a researcher when i get older. so there. research can suck it.

so i start writing the paper at midnight, and at that point i was on my second cafe mocha and my last nerve. by about 2:45 i was starving so i called bell's and had a pizza delivered to me at the dorms. i ate it upstairs at the computer center and ate one of katie's caffeine mints because i could hardly stay awake. at 4:15 i was sure that i was going to die if i didn't get some sleep so i went to bed without finishing it. i woke up at 8:30 to get it done before class.

by the time i was done with class and lunch, it was 1:00, so i layed down to take a nap. when the alarm went off at 2:20 for me to go to practice, i apparently got up and turned it off and went to bed. at least that's what katie tells me. i don't remember waking up, climbing down the ladder, walking across the room, turning off my alarm, and climbing back up but i believe that i was tired enough for it to happen. needless to say, i woke up at 5:45.

and i'm still tired. i hope i don't have mono or something. i feel like i can't keep up with all this crap anymore. i want to drop out of school.

sigh...
i'm feelin a little sad for my boys back home.

dan didn't have his best swims at state meet, so he didn't end up winning, and i'm sure he's upset. he did a great job this year, though. he's been working really, really hard, and he deserved to have a better meet than he did, but i'm still proud of him for getting this far!

kyle was playing in the state championship hockey finals today, going for a 3peat, and they lost by one goal in OT. from what i hear, it was a really good game, so i'm proud of them too, win or lose.

i just wish i could have been there to watch them. i sort of miss some of the hype and festivities that come along with trenton sports. the tailgating, signs on houses, and team dinners. all that stuff. i also really, really miss my trenton friends right now. particularly the girls i swam with. i think maybe it's because swimming ended a couple of weeks ago, and i'm not spending as much time with the michigan girls as usual. i don't know...the next few weekends are going to be a lot of fun, because of certain parties and whatnot, but i think after that i'm going to go home for a weekend and just spend time with people. i mean, i was home last weekend right after spring break, but i didn't really see anyone or do anything. basically i was just there for the night to sleep. with the exception of that day, i haven't been home since christmas vacation. it'll be going on three months now. that's a lonnnng time not to see the people you love.

this winter crap is probably partly the cause of me thinking like this. i just want it to be warm, so i can go outside and goof around. i sound like a big dork but i don't really care. i'm having one of those days where i just do nothing allll afternoon and feel bored and tired and want to hang out with someone from home. ugh.

if anyone from trenton wants to come up and stay for a weekend, they're more than welcome. i need to see a new face up here so i don't go crazy.

sam

ohhhh the irony.

this is really funny. so yesterday i wrote about how i smacked off ten meter, and how i jumped without thinking about what i was doing, and how i should have thought about it more. look at this part of a poem from my journal about a month ago:

i might as well be cliff jumping
tumbling out of control
choosing the temporary thrill
without contemplating the landing

isn't life ironic? i wrote about this, and then it actually happened. maybe i should look more deeply into my poetry before i jump off a four story platform.

queen of the platform
yes, that was me. the one who now belongs on a sports blooper show. i'll start at the beginning.

today was my first day back in the water in two weeks. we were swimming in the diving well, and katie and moosh went off tower twice and i really wanted to do it. soooo i ask katie to go up there and do it again so i can go too. we climb all the way to the top of the tower (yes, the 35 foot one that hides somewhere in the mist near the ceiling of canham natatorium). when we get to the top, i'm standing over the edge, looking down. i didn't wait too long because i figured i would chicken out if i did. so katie says, put your arms up and point your toes when you jump. so i jump and do what she tells me, but i'm falling so fast that all of a sudden my feet are swept from under me. i could not get them to point back down, and i realize that i am about to die. it's a lonnnng way down and a lonnnng time to think about how i was going to die, so as you can imagine, i was scared shitless.

and then there was the impact.

i hit the water kind of like i was sitting, with my legs straight out in front of me. the angle was precisely so that the entire backs of my legs, from heel to butt, smacked flat on the water. i imagine it felt similar to the way hitting a concrete wall at 30 miles per hour would. actually, a bed of needles might describe it better. either way, i realized what had just happened, came up from underwater, and heard a long, painful "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" reverberating inside the room from all the people who saw the jump. i would say anywhere from 15 to 50 people saw the actual incident. during the initial minute after the smack, i was sure that i was going to die, or at least have broken legs. in fact, i was not quite sure that i would even make it to the wall. chris, the diving coach, looked like he was about to dive in after me, and our trainer keenan came running across the pool deck to see if i was hurt. the girls' team, guys' team, coaches, and a group of espn workers saw it happen. not only was this experience the most painful of my life, it was also by far the most embarassing.

and it gets worse, folks.

not only did everyone see it happen, but my graceful descent from platform to somewhere near hell was captured on video. allow me to elaborate. a camera, complete with tivo, is always filming the divers so that they can watch their dives during practice. so my shining moment can be enjoyed by onlookers over and over again, even in slow motion if desired. there's also a pause feature that allows the viewer to stop at the impact and get a great stillframe of the splash.

fannnntastic.

but wait, there's more.

in addition to a bruised ego, my legs will be feeling the effects of the fall for about two weeks, according to chris. within five minutes my legs were bruised and bleeding, which chris called a skin tear (apparently it happens when your skin swells so fast that it just rips and starts to bleed). right now, it's about seven hours after the smack, and the backs of my legs and my inner thighs have attained an interesting, purplish green hue. and this is only the first day! i anticipate that by tomorrow or thursday they will be completely black and blue, which is going to look really sexy when i'm working out in the training room or stepping onto the deck in a swimsuit. plus it hurts like a bitch.

fortunately for me, my roommate had painkillers left over from when she had an earache(which i had this morning, so she had already given them to me), so at least i won't be in completely excruciating pain for the next few days.

now that the day is over, i wonder what it is about me that has to be brave and reckless all the time? i'm always the first to take a chance just so that i can have fun, impress someone, or have a new experience under my belt. i'm always willing to do things that most other people are afraid of. sometimes i wish i could be cautious and wimpy. a cautious wimp would not jump off of the tower precisely for the reason that pulsates through my swollen legs, but i realize that life would be boring if i was one of those wimps. i would regret spending four years here and never jumping off of the tower, and i probably would have ended up doing it another time if not today. maybe i wouldn't have hurt myself on a different occasion, but there's nothing i can do about it now. most of the people who saw me do it said something like this:

"omg sam, if i were you, i would never jump off a diving board again. just seeing you smack was enough to convince me not to do it ever."

the funny thing is, i'll proably end up doing it again when my legs are healed. i don't want to be afraid of something just because it hurt me once, and i feel like if i don't jump again, i'll just develop a fear. that's not what i want. now that it has become such a big deal, i want everyone to know that i can conquer the tower, as stupid as that may sound. more importantly, ii need to show myself that i can conquer it. i'm not even really afraid of it either. i know that it was me that allowed myself to smack and not the tower. there was no magical force working against me that day that caused my legs to be swept from under me. it was just me being stupid in a situation that i should have probably taken into account as dangerous. i mean, obviously jumping off the tower does not have to be dead serious, and i did it for fun, but i probably should have thought a little more about how i was jumping when i jumped. for now, though, i'm gonna have to ice my legs and my ego and deal with the pain. i'm lucky i have a high pain tolerance, because i have a feeling that most girls would have broke down crying and been terrified of heights for life. now that i know that i can deal with the pain if i happen to smack again, i know that i am going to have to jump again and do it right just to prove myself right. until then, i guess i'll just laugh it off.

and so, my dear readers, i ask that you do not pity me. do not feel bad, or act like you have to pamper me or make me feel weak; instead, just joke about it and smile. i figure it's better for me to laugh about it than it is for me to crawl in a hole and die or never talk to anyone again. even though a room full of people saw me make an idiot of myself, i am still totally awesome. if you see me limping around or emitting a groan of pain after sitting down in a chair, come over and giggle. i can deal with it. i'll even retell the story for you if i want.

you can even give lines like jim richardson, who so eloquently said, "we're going to play this at the banquet!" ( i hope he was joking)

i think what i learned today, and what i'm trying to say about life in general is that we should never take things too seriously or let small things cause a ton of drama. sure, for today, i can bitch or be embarassed about it, but in the long run, it will always be something i can look back on and crack up about. so even when stuff seems kinda shitty, or you're hurting or pissed or sad or whatever it may be, think about how that moment will actually affect you in a month, or a year, or ten years, and you'll probably find that it won't matter. don't sweat it. just do what you think will make it better and hope it works.

okay, i'm done being philosophical for the day. have a good one, y'all.

spring break 2005
all i can say is wow. that was a fun week for sure. i guess i should start at the beginning. we left last friday afternoon to drive to the sunshine state. it was a lonnnnng drive. 16 hours to get to gainesville to rest and pick up courtney then about another six to get to ft lauderdale.

we got there around 5:30 on saturday afternoon and immediately hit the beach. went out to dinner, got ready to go out, had a little mishap with an egg and headed back to the hotel, where we stumbled upon a canadian rugby team that was staying at the sea club with us. they liked me so much that they gave me an i heart toronto shirt and named me miss toronto 2005. lol my other given nickname is weyonce. we hung out with them for that evening, which turned out to be quite an interesting one ;) and for the next two nights after that. we went to a bunch of bars and clubs...the usual vacation type stuff, and layed out on the beach all day. it wasn't that hot, but it was better than michigan, so i pretty much spent the entire week in as little clothing as possible. courtney left on tuesday morning because she was really sick, so it was the four of us for the rest of the week, plus sabrina spending a couple of days with us. we went out every night with the exception of one. the first and last nights were definitely the best. thursday was al's birthday so we went to this club and danced all night, surrounded by hot guys. i can deal with that any day. this was just a brief synopsis of the week, but there are a few things i will never forget:

the hottest girls in ft lauderdale
orgasmic
florence y'all
six way showers
in the ocean, all in the sand
the bull named horny
miss toronto 2005
cheeks, weyonce, picky, chuckles, sandison
our nightly goal
big bone lick in kentucky
waffle house
lesbianism at its peak
weegie's erection and lynsi's superb groin
more naked men than i can count (fabio, old guy, mike, shea, reed, andreas to name a few)
allison and i in the wtsc
circles of hooking up amongst friends
someone who can't control their bm's
boobs popping out
but you said you SWALLOW!
what's my name, what's my name, what's my name
flashing in the kilt
flashing my brights
terruff
al and i going places with strange men
we need to go to church now
151: my one true love
the unknowing chasing with liquor
cooter

too many to name

sucks that we have to go back to school on monday, but i'll definitely hold on to the memories. can't wait for spring break next year.

bigggggggggg tens
wow, what a week. big tens is officially over. there were some incredible moments on the part of our team. we won all of the free relays, and 9 out of 18 total events, but still managed to take fourth, which is no big deal. it felt like first because of the way our team stayed excited and together. i'm so proud of every single person on our team and the way they performed inside and out of the pool. some of the swims this week were mind blowing. justine won all five of her events, and not just won, but dominated. foty fo sho, baby. not to mention sotc. lindsey's 50's 100's and 200's were all absolutely incredible. our 400 free relay won the event after being seated in the first heat, which has never happened in big ten history. we shattered a few big ten and pool records, and had so much fun cheering each other on and being genuinely excited when people had good swims.
i had the meet of my life. i dropped massive amounts of time in every event, and even though i wasn't even close to making it back in anyone, i'm really excited about it. i have a feeling i'm going to be even faster next year because i know how hard i'm capable of working and i know what to expect now. i know our team is going to be amazing next year, because we're only losing a few swimmers and we have an awesome freshman class coming in. i can't wait to start the next season.
sounds strange coming from someone who couldn't wait to be done a couple of weeks ago, huh? i was so broken down from getting the crap kicked out of me at practice, and i wasn't sure how it was going to pay off for me in the end. now i do. now i know that i have the ability to swim a hundred times faster than i ever thought possible, and that i have the most incredible team behind me all the way. this year has been absolutely great because of the people who shared the journey with me. i will never forget all of the hilarious memories of my freshman year as a member of the michigan swimming and diving team.
whew.

day one, summarized
today was the first day of big tens. just relays tonight, which were soooo exciting. our 2med relay did awesome and got second, and our 8fr relay won by like 2.5 seconds, which was amazing. i'm so proud of my team. i'm soooo excited to swim tomorrow and to watch everyone else swim too. the meet atmosphere is amazing, the food is awesome, and my team is the best. i hope we win.

i just got done shaving down. arms, legs, back, and everything in between....if it's visible, it's hairless (w the exception of my eyebrows and head) i love the feeling of tapering and shaving down before a big meet and then getting in between the sheets and feeling sooooo silky smooth. lol if you are not a swimmer, you have not experienced this feeling. anyways, today was really fun. mos def more to come.

sam

big tens, baby!
i am sooooo excited for big tens next week. i have a feeling this is going to be the sweetest meet i've ever been to, not to mention the fact that we're all gonna look ridiculously hot ;) i'm so proud of my team and myself for all the hard work we've done this year, and i know it's definitely gonna pay off and people are gonna swim out of their minds fast. there are only four days left till we get there, and all of a sudden it seems like it's RIGHT HERE in front of us....and that makes me really really pumped. even though i won't score in my events at all, i'm just looking for some personal bests and i'm excited to watch everyone else swim their best, too. there's been some stupid little dramas going on lately, and i think it's just because everyone's getting really worn down, but it seems like taper has been getting our energy levels up and we're starting to goof around and get along a little more than we have in the past month, which is a good thing. i mean, we were definitely really close anyways, there were just those little things that come upon every team at some point or another. anyways, i think everyone's starting to realize that this is our last chance this year to perform as a team and be there to support each other, so we're getting really into it. i <3 my team!

next week i'm going to be failing school because we're missing four days of it. not to mention the fact that i have two papers due next week that i haven't started...i should really get on top of that. i know i'll end up doing it at the last minute, but i hate being stressed like that. oh well.

i haven't been home in about six or seven weeks...i think my family's starting to miss me. haha. i mean, not that they don't on a regular basis, but in the past few days, my grandma, my aunt, and both parents have asked me when i'm coming home again. i've been sooo busy in the past month that taking time off of my schedule to go home is just not in the picture. i guess it would be nice to sleep in my own bed for a day or two, but i've been having so much fun here that i just sort of forget about it. that sounds really really horrible but it's easy to forget about home when there are so many other things on my mind. however, since swimming will be over in ONE WEEK, i'll be able to see some of my family and high school friends and whatnot.

i can't wait for spring break. it's in 14 days. i still don't really know how i'm supposed to pay for it, but i guess i'll have to figure something out. laying on the beach reading a book pretty much sounds like heaven right now. and since, unlike st. lucia, i won't have to worry about the double practices, there will basically be absolutely nothing on my mind the entire time. the only thing that sucks about our spring break is that we are one of only like ten colleges who are on vacation that week, so there won't be that many people down in ft. lauderdale. all of the other schools have sb sometime in march, so they'll get to enjoy the crazy partying. i guess it is actually for the best, since i'm gonna be absolutely exhausted anyways. i'll relax for a week, and then i'll party when i get back. haha.

samantha

trepidation
you swept the ground from under me
and i fell into a cloud of delicious ecstasy
sharing breaths and pillows
palms interlocked
twisting, laughing, dreaming
reveling in the simple extravagance of shared company

a cautious exploration of passion
filled me with infatuation
craving the delirious euphoria
afraid to reach for your hand
at the thought that you might draw it away
wishing i could read your mind


let me know what you think of it...<3

chicago and whatnot
sooo this weekend was the northwestern meet. we left for chicago on friday, and the drive there wasn't too bad. we got to stay in a hotel in chicago, which was kind of cool. most of the team went shopping when we got there, but a few didn't want to, including me, since i had no money and no desire to tempt myself with all the stuff i wanted. soooo i went and took a nap, then the team went out to gino's for pizza, and i ate wayyyy too much.

the next morning, we awoke to a white, frozen hell. it snowed about a foot throughout the night. we were going to go in early and do dryland before our meet, but we couldn't get the bus going, so we ended up eating breakfast at the hotel at like 8.30 and heading to NW at like ten. we got there, did dryland right before our warmup, and jumped in. i swam well in my 200, but not well in my 50 or 100. i'm beginning to notice this trend of events, and i hope it doesn't mean that i'll be swimming md next year. suze, caro, and nikki couldn't make it to chicago because of the snow, so we were missing three people and were all exceptionally tired. we lost the meet. i'm not gonna make excuses, because northwestern did swim really well, but once big tens rolls along and we're tapered, we're gonna dominate baby.

so we leave the meet around 3.30 to start driving home. we still hadn't eaten since breakfast, and we didn't end up getting food until like 9.30 at night, so we were starving. justine and i ate an entire large pizza in about five minutes. i guess i should say inhaled. we got home at 11.30 michigan time, which equals out to seven hours of traveling on what should be a four and a half hour trip. fun times. we watched about a hundred episodes of friends on the bus. we also watched napoleon dynamite, which was like the funniest thing of my life. it's seriously one of my new favorite movies.

sooooo we finally get back and we were in a huge hurry to get into the dorms and get ready to go to this 80's party. i think maybe it's the hottest i've ever looked. i wore a cut off gray shirt with a pink tank top underneath, black stretchy pants with a bright pink stretchy skirt over them, gray leg warmers, pink and black tennis shoes, and a huge side ponytail. i think maybe i should start dressing like that more often and see what people think of me. anyways, we basically got completely ready to go out in about five minutes. we pre partied at 213 and took a few pictures of our outfits and literally sprinted to the party because it was so fricking cold. sooo there we were on a saturday night, drawing attention to ourselves not only because of the fact that we were running and screaming about how cold it was, but also due to the fact that we looked ridiculous. it was fun. we get to the party, which was pretty fun...you know, 80's music, everyone looking hilarious, dancing, beer pong, etc....but it ended up being wayyyy too crowded, literally to the point of not being able to move, so we hitched a ride to dewey and stayed there for a little bit. we left pretty soon after that and went to brookwood, which was also fun. when other parties fall through, we always seem to end up there. so we stayed there most of the night, lost a game of beer pong, and just hung out or whatever. anyways, i ended up getting home at like 5.30 in the morning and waking up at 10.30...so i'm really tired and i'm going to sleep. just felt like talking about my weekend.

split personality
that forbidden heat
is so beautiful and awful
how can something so self-deprecating
make me feel so alive

sometimes i feel
like only a straitjacket will work
to control my body
my mind sure as hell can't

tie my arms back with ropes
so tight they draw blood
the discomfort in my wrists
is worth the pain spared from my conscience

lock me in a closet
so small my chest is crushed
suffocation is a small price to pay
to hush my screaming, scolding mind

this conflict of desires
is enough to shred my soul
i should burn its tattered ribbons
and blow away the ashes

the purity i used to loathe
now fuels my nostalgia
my rose-colored glasses
now tinted with that vile film

i might as well be cliff jumping
tumbling out of control
choosing the temporary thrill
without contemplating the landing

my unhealed wounds
are crying out in protest
but it is my own hand
that yields the salt

please take it away from me
take away temptation
bind and gag me
even if i try to get away

anything to stop my self-inflicted agony

every little thing you do...
so yeah. this weekend was the notre dame invite....we won and i swam horribly. well actually i shouldn't say that....i swam horribly in two out of three sessions. for some reason i always do semi okay in the middle session of our invites, and the first and last i suck it up. i wasn't even really that good in the middle one, to be perfectly honest. but the first and last, well, those were slower than i have swam since probably middle school. i have no idea what the heck happened to me. i don't really care all that much, because we're right at the peak of our workload and shouldn't be going really fast or anything...but damn, i sucked. i can't wait till taper. i have a feeling i'm going to drop a ton of time...like a huge amount. i'm in the best shape i've ever been in my life, and when we taper i'll be rested enough that i can put that athleticism to use. i'm really excited. i think i might even get to swim at big tens, or at least go, which was basically my season goal.

anyways, when we got back from the invite, we were really excited to go out, so we got ready really fast and were out by eleven. let me tell you, that was an interesting evening. every time i think about it i just have to laugh. we went to brookwood, played a few rounds of bp, and just have fun. it was good to be back. i can't even remember the last time i was there, which is really sad, because it's one of the best places to go on a saturday night, given that everyone shows up. brookwood turned out to be really fun, and i got to bed around eight in the morning, and woke up at almost four, just in time to see that the sun had started to get dim and was almost ready to set. i was awake for 24 hours and then woke up when the sun was going down. what a messed up schedule.

last night i went out with some people...it turned out to be pretty fun....pre-party and then went to oz for some dancing. it's funny how just dancing can make a night out so much fun. i just feel so good when i do. afterwards it was realllllly crappy because the coat check people were not good at their jobs. there were probably 200 people packed into an area smaller than my living room, all trying to get to the front of a line at the end of this hallway....and then there were more people trying to come in from the side. it was to the point that my feet were no longer touching the ground because i was totally wedged between about ten people. everyone was drunk and yelling and acting stupid, which made it take about ten times longer. basically i waited in line for 45 minutes just to get my coat from the check. ridiculous. anyways, we finally got out of there, and by the time i got back and into bed it was 3.15, which left me four hours to sleep before i had to get up for practice at 7.15. i thought for sure that i would be dying at practice this morning, but i actually felt really good. maybe even better than i usually do. by the end, i was dragging a little because i was tired, but it was weird what a good mood i was in during pretty much the whole thing....even the walk of shame wasn't so bad. only a select group of individuals know why my walk onto the deck this morning was one of shame, and i plan on it staying that way. haha. sometimes i wonder what is running through my head on saturday nights. i think maybe i just lose every sense of conscience and do what i want. whatever....it's not going to ruin my life.

listen to this: i'm actually thinking about going out again tonight. i figure i don't have class till ten, which gives me plenty of time to sleep before. i'm not planning on going and being out of control crazy drunk or anything like that, but i feel like the fact that there have been three opportunities for me to go out in a row is some type of record for being in season, and i must take full advantage of it. i dunno....i'm really exhausted right now, so i'm gonna have to take a nap and see how i feel.

considering the fact that my sleep has been ridiculously far off normal the past few days, i'm going to go and take a much deserved nap.