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2005 20 May :: 3.27 pm
:: Mood: happy
We get it. Thank you for prooving our point. Your entry says it all. I should have never believed you in the first place. Here all this time I thought you knew what you were talking about but you were just on a mission to bring me down. Everything I say you find a way to make it sound like I was born yesterday. Everything you taught me doesn't mean a thing now so I'm going my way.
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2005 19 May :: 9.31 pm
I knew you weren't going to. You don't even care anymore. I'm going to make this easy for you. So thank you.
Katy and Aaron had a nice conversation about me the other day. I feel so, I don't know what the word is but I guess I feel bad. I should. I screwed up. I'll fix it though.
The O.C. tonight was the best episode I've ever seen. I couldn't believe what happend...I cried..I just sat there like "omg" lol. It was just nuts.
I think Sam knows something that she shouldn't. Everytime we talk she looks at me like shes disapointed in me, like I did something that I shouldn't have, and she found out. Thats what I'm starting to get and I can think of quite a few things she heard/found out. Whatever it is, it's weird.
But tonight I had so much fun. You won't even believe who I ran into. Him and then I also seen little miss princess bitch.
but anyways I'm on my moms computer since mine is broken and she is mad at me anyways because we argue everyday now and it's her computer, so I guess I should go since I just got in trouble.
By the way- this just upsest me. I can't do this any more. I can't think about this. I have got to stop.
Seriously. It's getting out of hand.
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2005 19 May :: 12.07 am
What I really meant to say was I'm sorry for the way I am.
Here it is plain and simple, I love you.
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2005 18 May :: 4.17 pm
I don't think I care anymore.
So I guess he probably likes her now, so that means he lied. Oh well I guess.
But anyways Emily Sorensen and I are going to hang out with him soon since he's asked us like a million times now and we never could but we both want to so were gonna sometime soon. It should be fun.
Our computer at my moms is broken so that means I wont be online much anymore but it's not like I'm missing something or anything.
but I will update more later.
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2005 17 May :: 8.35 pm
:: Mood: sad
First of all I just have to add this in but Thank you SOOOO MUCH Jess for calling me. I didn't expect you to and you made me feel so much better and I seriously was crying while I was listening to you talk. I truly believe your right and I'm not going to listen to what anyone else says. I'm not giving up just yet and since I'm not you can't either...so you know what that means lol..but I love you and thank you, you have no idea how much better I feel. I was crying all day and now i'm crying because I'm happy and that never happens! Were now closer beause of that. <3 ya. Oh and btw remind me next time we talk that you have to listen to this song because it reminds me of your whole deal, or ours. w/e works.
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t.
Today seriously was the worst day I've had this year, by far.
So I guess this is it, over, done, w/e you prefer to call it. I cried today. Just like I knew I would. I couldn't help it. I was just thinking that I probably wont even see any of these people again and it made me start bawling. I never even said goodbye to anyone. I was bawling and I didn't want everyone to see me crying so I just left. I didn't even look back. I regret that. I only wanted to say goodbye to like 5 people and that would have been good enough but I didn't even see them all anyways. I hate crying, I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of being left behind, or forgotten.
And then today in 2nd hour Mr. A pulls me out of class and I had to go to the office and he wanted to talk to me. So I was thinking why does he want to talk to me because I didn't do anything wrong and then he was like "well someone told me you know things about the mercury incident" and I was like "umm ookk" so anyways I really didn't even know who told him so I just told him everything I knew and I never even wanted to be part of this, I was never going to say anything, I never cared but someone had to tell him so I had to write this gay thing up about it and if it goes to court I have to testify and then he's like "in a few days the cops might want to ask you questions" and I was like "okay w/e I guess..." so then I go to class and then later on in the day my mom calls my cell phone and she tells me that a cop wants to talk to me. I was like yeah this is really great. I don't even care about this. So then after school I had to leave and go right home and I was still bawling and I get there and the cop is there already and he asked me why I was crying and I was like "it's nothing, really" I felt so dumb crying in front of this guy I didn't even know so I pulled myself together and pretended not to cry, even though inside I was. It was just weird and this whole thing is a waste of my time and I like Ryan so I feel like I'm going aganist him when I never even wanted to but somebody told Mr. A.
So that was that and then----- in drama we are doing our final exams and our group was going to go a while ago but since we had 2 days off we couldn't so then H tells us we were going to go today and nobody was ready and Adrianne and Em were gone yesterday so they both got really upset that we had to go today and they were crying and screaming at H for making us go and I felt so stupid because I thought that they were making it a bigger deal then it needed to be and everyone in our class was just watching us like we are idiots but I really thought we could go today so I told them and we all had a meeting and decided that we could go and we did but we went over time so we didnt get out of drama for a while after the bell rang but it was my lunch and by the time I got changed my lunch was over so I didn't get to go out or buy anything good so I just bought chips and in 4th hour I asked Mrs. Ryan if I could eat them and she said yes so then I started too and she seen me and 10 minutes later she changed her mind or something and was like "why are you eating. Thats what lunch is for. Put those away" and im like "well I didn't get to eat lunch because I was in drama and you told me I could eat them" and shes like "NO I didn't" and Katelyn was like "yeah you did" and she made me go in the hall because she said I was making excuses and I had an attitude. I seriously think shes crazy. Then I got to come back in and I was talking to Matt, Bruce, And Katelyn and I was talking to Matt mostly and he sits directly behind me and she got really mad at me and said I was turned around too much so now my new seat is right next to her up front. She pisses me off. I never even do anything wrong and she always flips out on me. She needs to calm down every once n a while.
So today I sat in the hall, talked to a cop, argued, talked to Mr. A, and cried, a lot. Sounds like a great time.
I haven't laughed much today but Katelyn made me laugh. I'm talking to her and this is what she said.
RoxySurfBabe1892: its so gay..i hate this and tom. I will prolly too.
Nancek07: who's tom?
She didn't get the fact that tom. is short for tomorrow but w/e I guess it made me laugh.
and today I was cleaning out my garage at my dads house and we have a new neighbor and he is so hott and he is young and he has a hummer. So anyways he was outside in his driveway washing/cleaning his hummer and I was outside too and my dad walked outside and was like "what are you looking at?" and im like "the guy next door, hes so hot. you should go tell him I want him" and my dad was like "okay" and he starts walking over to the guys house since its really close to mine and im like "dad, I was joking, seriously please come back" and he kept walking and he walked into the guys garage and they started talking and I got so embarassed and then the guy waved at me. I felt like the biggest moron ever. My dad came back and was like "I told him, his name is Keith". I can't believe he would tell him but he is so cute. I love him, not really I just think he's hot. So now he knows, and now I feel dumb but he a lot older than me and I just think hes cute and thats all there is to it. Nothing else.
It's just not quite the same
Without you
I don't wanna go out
I just wanted to say
That I'm sick of these fights
I'll let you be right
If it stops you from running away
So just give me this chance
To make the wrongs right .
I miss you soo much and I can't stand it, I'm still hanging on. I feel like your gone and every day is the worst day ever.
hopefully tom. will be better. hopefully I will know soon. I'm sick of waiting.
Thanks Jordan for saying our group was the best skit, ever! The whole ever thing made it. I was so proud of us. We did the most unique skit ever, nobody ever has thought of this and H was amazed. Everyone was standing and H was so proud. He was like "THANK YOU"
anyways, I think that is enough complaining for the night. <3 Ash
5 shooting stars |
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2005 15 May :: 9.42 pm
that hurt me.
2 shooting stars |
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2005 15 May :: 2.24 pm
For once it would be nice if you would stop telling me what to do, if I don't ask for help then I don't want it.
Jess you were right. Exactly right about what you bet your life on. Thats why all along things are like this and I never could figure out why. Don't we all just know who our real friends are? *sighs* I love you Jess.
Could ya see I want ya by the way I push you away. Don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm acting today. Tape the words up with the actions, do it all for your reaction.
2 shooting stars |
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2005 14 May :: 10.20 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
Okay..
Well I am talking to my friend Greer Grammer right now (Kelsey Grammers) daughter that I know from California and she lives in Malibu and anyways we were talking about The O.C. and she missed last weeks episode so I was telling her about what happened and anyways I already knew Caleb was going to die before the episode airred because number one my uncle is close friends with the producer and Greer told me a while ago when they filmed it but anyways she always ruins things because she tellsme what happens but we were talking about the finale and how we think Marissa gets shot but im like "she can't die because shes a main actress in the show and they couldn't take her out because the ratings would go down" and she said :well i know that there is a BIG secret because they film it at my friends house and they got to see them film it" but anyways her friend Is Chase Bosworth and her house is the house that is Marissas, Julies, and was Calebs in the movie. It's the big orange house with the pool but anyways thats her friends house and they film it there but her friend wont tell us what the big secret is and Marissas room (the room she is laying in when Trey comes in and freaks her out) is actually Chases parents room. I find this all really interesting that my friend, is friends with another person who lives in that huge house and knows everyone from The O.C..but I'm obessed with The O.C. and one of these days on my little trips to California I'm going to meet Mischa Barton(Marissa) and Adam Brody (Seth) he is so cute.
How come each time I open up I can't seem to get past stage one? I guess it's time for me to close up and go back on the shelf because I'm done.
2 shooting stars |
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2005 13 May :: 10.36 pm
I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life. I should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time.
2 shooting stars |
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2005 11 May :: 6.44 pm
Today I got into my locker for Lisa, Shelby made me but Lisa wanted to see it.
I'm really mad that I don't have my purse or cell phone. I feel like I need my cell phone. I'll get it back on Friday even though I'm not sure where my purse ended up.
This is high school, Everyday we go to the same school, but yet we find it hard to make time for each other. We once were best friends. I'm sure you remember. We used to tell each other everything. We used to get along and not fight. We used to be there for each other. We used to hang out- we used to call each other, most of all you used to care. You used to have time for me you used to be nice, and you used to always promise me we would always be friends and look where we are now. I don't even know what we are. I doubt you can even call us friends. We've both messed up this friendship but now its almost too late. We've missed so much going on in each others lives it can't compare to anything else..You frickin wrote a whole paper about me before and you told me that I was your best friend and that you loved me. You told me you were sorry for all those times you hurt me and made me cry. You said that nothing would come between us and it looks like your wrong. I miss how you always used to sit by me, I miss how you always would make me laugh, I miss how we were never apart, I miss how you used to open my locker and leave me notes, I miss how we used to go out to lunch, even though I always got caught, I miss how you used to wait for me everyday and we would just go in the library and talk, I miss those times. I miss the times you would say hi to me in the halls and hug me everyday. We see each other in the halls and pass by like we don't even know each other, like nothing ever happend with us. I miss the times when you would come over just to say hi, I miss the times when I went to your house, I miss everytime. Today was the first time I think I've actually talked to you in a long time and you hugged me, yes you hugged me. Its a big deal since you haven't done that in a very long time. The truth is I missed you, I missed how things used to be, and most of all I'll always miss you.
This is high school, this is where you realize that in 5 years, you wont even know your "best friends".
And sometimes I wonder how I manage to say all that. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
I feel really bad, for hurting you. I hurt you sometimes and I don't even know it or mean to. I've never once meant to hurt you. I wouldn't do that. I don't want you to ever think that, I'll always care.
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2005 10 May :: 9.05 pm
Today was a pretty good day. In 1st hour we do the same thing everyday and it gets more boring as the days go on so Lisa and I talk the WHOLE hour, 2nd hour I sit by Brittney, Britt, and Katelyn so we talk most of the time, 3rd hour is drama so thats a whole new world in there lol, 4th hour was pretty fun I guess Katelyn and I are so dumb in there and we just hang out with Matt and Bruce. Bruce was mad at me all last week for the dumbest reason and finally yesterday he started talking to me, I knew he couldn't actually stay mad at me as hard as he tried and hes the one who wanted to sit by me for the school year so why sit by me and be mad? Makes no sense. In 5th hour I sit by Elyse, Tyler, and Britt and Elyse has been gone a lot so it's been pretty quiet in there and Mr. London came up to me the other day and was like "I see your not talking very much " and then Nicks like "No its just quiet because Elyse isn't here, she talks all the time" I was like "yeah she does talk a lot" and Mr. London was like "you talk just as much as her it's just your not loud, shes LOUD" and I told Elyse what he said and she started cracking up. He told her the only reason we are still sitting by each other is because he likes us and she plays golf and he still doesn't seem to get that even though we talk all hour we turn in every assignment and we both have A's in that class so he can't say much. In 6th hour its so boring we watch movies EVERY day. I swear we've watched them for the past week n a half. Last week we disected baby pigs and I named ours Gordy haha. That was my exciting day and about a million people asked me if I got my hair cut, and the answer is no I haven't got it cut because I'm growing it back out since I got 4 inches cut off of it about 4 months ago but it just looks differen't because I never wear it down.
The other day when anatomy was disecting cats I walked by and I seen Shelby and she ran out and she touched me and I was like "sick dont touch me your disecting a cat" and shes like "Oh I didn't touch it yet I swear" and she started to wipe her hands all on my face and shirt im like "your sick shelby" shes crazy sometimes and today after school Shelby always comes to my locker and I just cleaned my locker out the other day not to mention that in my locker that I brought home two pairs of shoes from when my friends borrowed them and then I never brought them home and a blanket and some other things were in there that I have no idea how they managed to get there so anyways Shelby was like I bet you can fit in your locker and so I'm like yeah maybe and so I fit perfectly in there and shes like let me shut it and I was like noo way I would freak out and shes like please and all these ppl were standing there and they were like forcing me to do it so I told shelby my combo and she shut it and for like the 1st minute I could hear her laughing hysterically and she tried to open it but she couldn't get it right and then she kept trying and I was like "SHELBY LOL SHELBY" and like 2 minutes later she got it open and now she wants to show Lisa so we have to do that again. It was quite scary in there lol.
Aaron thinks I'm mad at him, I think hes mad at me. He told me today that he doesn't even think were friends anymore and I felt really bad because I don't want him to think that ever it's just I didn't want to talk about what was wrong the other day and he gets mad that I don't tell him but I didn't even tell anyone but Lisa. But things are better now and we talked.
When I came home today my brother and his friend were in my room on my computer and I was like hmm way to be in my room n all but my brother always has friends over and they are always in my room, all the time. I swear they are all obessed with me and my room.
Brianna- you should tell her off. I wanted to today after school because she was just annoying me and I think she knows that I don't like her anymore anyways but thats too bad. Yeah Friday we are going and Dan is taking us. Ok.
Jenna- I have to tell you something about that girl lol whos better than us, remember? The one we don't like. Next time we talk remind me to tell you.
Isn't it just nice of her to pretty much ignore me for the past two weeks and then realize "oh I want to be friends again, I miss you blah blah blah" how thoughtful,more like, how unthoughtful.
But I just realized that I talk too much.
I think the thing that scares me the most is that I think I need you.
I'm starting to get the impression that I don't matter anymore.
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2005 9 May :: 6.54 pm
I forgot to mention that on Friday in drama our class was in the auditorium and I was backstage with H and there was a shopping cart that someone in a differen't class stole for their skit and H dared me to get into the baby seat of it to see if I would fit and of course I did the dare and I fit and he started pushing me around in it and he pushed me in the hall ways it was so embarrassing and everyone was talking to me and I was like "H bring me back" and he kept showing everyone and hes like "isn't this the cutest thing you've ever seen" and then Adrianne started taking my picture it was quite the adventure lol, Brianna knows, sorry he wouldn't let you push me lol hes mean j/k but umm make sure you ask Dan.
I think everone was mad at me today for not staying after school with them but I couldn't and I do have other things to do thank you very much.
I don't think I've ever felt this way before. It sorta makes me sad. It's like you gave me wings and told me not to fly, thats exactly what you did.
I just want you to care and I just want you to try but I guess that is just too much to ask from you, it always has been.
but this week is going to be rough I can see it already, but I'l try to make the best of it even though it seems like my world is ending.
what have I gotten myself into?
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2005 8 May :: 7.06 pm
It's the truth and I know it and you know it and the truth is what kills me. I can't accept that and I don't want to. I knew it would be this way it's just as for now it was keeping me happy but it can't keep me happy anymore. It's like I'm waiting for everything to fall, because I know it will happen, I just don't know when but I know it is going to and I can't stand that. I basically just had a reality check. I can't change anything, I can't change the way things are or the way things are going to be. It's going to happen and theres nothing I can do about it. So it's almost like now I'm just hanging on for nothing. I don't even know what you want from me anymore.
And I don't believe that everything happens for a reason.
I just think I'll tell you thank you.
It looks like the one person I need most isn't here for me anymore. To you, I screwed up and this is my fault, it always is. (notice the sarcasm) But w/e I need you but that doesn't matter anymore so next time you need me don't come running back to me like last time.
And thank you for noticing, you never have before so why would you now? You wouldn't and thats my point. You'll never get it. You'll never understand and you'll continue to see the reasons why I'm stupid for not letting go but I'll just pretend things are okay so I don't have to explain it to people like you, who could never understand.
I just want to talk to you really bad.
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2005 6 May :: 8.19 am
"Cause I love you and I need to know" 1st of all he don't love me, he can't love me when he doesn't even know me that much and 2nd of all he doesn't need to know.
Brad is talking to me. I haven't talked to him since last year. He wants to hang out soon and party. Hmm..ok.. Sounds like a plan!
This weekend is going to be awesome.
Jenna you are confusing me lol but correction: Zoe my cousins baby was born on my birthday, November 14th, 2004 and she wasn't supposed to be born until Dec. Or Jan.. Okay I think that makes sense now.
But Shelby just 2wayed me and was all whispering and was like "ashley, where are you" im like "at home but im going in soon" and shes like "okay you better" and in the background I could hear Mrs. Tanis talking and then not even 5 mins. later Tyler calls me. I swear if I'm not at school they're all gonna die or something. But I suppose I should go to school today since I can't miss 3rd hour and 6th hour.
But off to school I guess..
a.s.h.l.e.y
2 shooting stars |
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